A winter shock came in the form of Unni dear calling up and asking how my year was!
Well, we had a near meaningful conversation after that...albeit a shortish one. This was the second one after the one we had a few weeks ago, on that fight with his cousin etc.
Does this signal the change of tides...? This has been a significantly Unni-less (in fact, intimacy-less) year.....is the theme for next year going to be different?
More on this "year...theme...change..." thing next week
In the middle of this chaotic, muddy world, I create a small space where I hope inspite of everything....basically, i blabber on all and sundry and hope that somewhere i contribute something. To myself, at least.
Friday, December 26, 2003
Saturday, December 20, 2003
Poem
Went to a few blogs after a looooooong time today..!
Eric had posted a blog asking for poems....made me suddenly remember a poem which had really affected me. Posted it in his comments section (tho I know he probably wont like it)....copying it below. Love the words, they are an elegant reflections of my feelings.
(sigh!)
A Wistful Thought
I am wanting for a friend
whose nature is akin to mine
and likes the paths I wander in
of tall black forest trees
and ocean beaches combed by wind,
with rocks of drying seaweed
for a seat, to rest and talk.
We'd walk amongst the sandpipers
and speak of lonesome times,
of how, when mixed with
family or neighbor kind, we
each had often felt
most singular and set apart;
and how, though separate
and still unmet, the two of us
had shared a wish to be
in conversations, glad and free,
with one who'd feed the growing trust
of the other's pilgrim heart.
Eric had posted a blog asking for poems....made me suddenly remember a poem which had really affected me. Posted it in his comments section (tho I know he probably wont like it)....copying it below. Love the words, they are an elegant reflections of my feelings.
(sigh!)
A Wistful Thought
I am wanting for a friend
whose nature is akin to mine
and likes the paths I wander in
of tall black forest trees
and ocean beaches combed by wind,
with rocks of drying seaweed
for a seat, to rest and talk.
We'd walk amongst the sandpipers
and speak of lonesome times,
of how, when mixed with
family or neighbor kind, we
each had often felt
most singular and set apart;
and how, though separate
and still unmet, the two of us
had shared a wish to be
in conversations, glad and free,
with one who'd feed the growing trust
of the other's pilgrim heart.
Friday, December 19, 2003
On the verge
Suddenly......yes, suddenly....all the energy seems to have been sapped out of me. '
I drag myself out of bed each day, sleepwalk through the rest of day, a fixed smile on my face (that often slips, prompting the explanation "I am not well"), barely managing to get some work done, to keep the gaadi going...always on the verge just giving up, just sitting down and not getting up again.
Books dont thrill me, comedies don't make me laugh...the troubles of loved ones leave me with a sense of regret and a faint memory that I used to get affected more...in some lifetime.
Maybe this is my subconscious self reacting to the forced high levels of energy/positivity that I have sustained for several months now. Maybe its a reaction against the "dont think,dont feel" stance, which has resulted in an accumulation of sludge. Or then, it could be my self-preservation instinct kicking in, preparing for the onslaught of work and tension that is certain over the next 3-4 weeks.
Maybe. Who knows? I am certainly not thinking it through. And I certainly dont have people left who can help me think it through.
I drag myself out of bed each day, sleepwalk through the rest of day, a fixed smile on my face (that often slips, prompting the explanation "I am not well"), barely managing to get some work done, to keep the gaadi going...always on the verge just giving up, just sitting down and not getting up again.
Books dont thrill me, comedies don't make me laugh...the troubles of loved ones leave me with a sense of regret and a faint memory that I used to get affected more...in some lifetime.
Maybe this is my subconscious self reacting to the forced high levels of energy/positivity that I have sustained for several months now. Maybe its a reaction against the "dont think,dont feel" stance, which has resulted in an accumulation of sludge. Or then, it could be my self-preservation instinct kicking in, preparing for the onslaught of work and tension that is certain over the next 3-4 weeks.
Maybe. Who knows? I am certainly not thinking it through. And I certainly dont have people left who can help me think it through.
Thursday, December 18, 2003
When will I get free?
Drifting....shitty feeling....this is what my prev blogs were about.
I have no change to report, the feelings intensify with the added ingredient of a bit of confusion n regret thrown in.
First - it is a stranger (relatively...Vicky) who makes me realise the change in me...the automatic suppresion of feelings, the negation of involvement.
Second - it is a stranger (kpmg auditor) who makes me realise how less I think now.
Third - it is my best friend who makes me realise why this is so - why I have stopped thinking n feeling.
I have no change to report, the feelings intensify with the added ingredient of a bit of confusion n regret thrown in.
First - it is a stranger (relatively...Vicky) who makes me realise the change in me...the automatic suppresion of feelings, the negation of involvement.
Second - it is a stranger (kpmg auditor) who makes me realise how less I think now.
Third - it is my best friend who makes me realise why this is so - why I have stopped thinking n feeling.
Tuesday, December 02, 2003
welcome break and a shitty feeling
Rushed off to Ooty for the weekend with Darshan. Beautiful, relaxing. Chilly, misty weather. Chocolates and walks.
Now back to office - Irritation, exhaustion. No time for the rest of my life. No conversations. No thoughts, no ideas.
Shit.
Now back to office - Irritation, exhaustion. No time for the rest of my life. No conversations. No thoughts, no ideas.
Shit.
Tuesday, November 18, 2003
Drifting
The prev blog, posted more than 10 days ago, ended with me wanting to know and like myself again.
How?
You need to be in peace with yourself. You need to have silence within and without. (thats why the word "holy" is associated with silence).
And that silence is obvously missing from my life. Daily chaos - a host of crap cluttering up the mind - thats what life is all about right now.
And under the garb of this madness n pace, the boat is slowly drfiting. I am afraid that the boat will drfit too far to be retrievable. I need to catch the boat before that happens. I need to find that peace, and in that peace, connect with myself again.
That was the purpose behind running off to Chennai on the weekend. Bad decision. Had fun, all right.....but no peace. In fact, another element got added to the cauldron - strong emotion.
Maybe I will go somewhere quiet by myself next weekend.
Easier said than done.
How?
You need to be in peace with yourself. You need to have silence within and without. (thats why the word "holy" is associated with silence).
And that silence is obvously missing from my life. Daily chaos - a host of crap cluttering up the mind - thats what life is all about right now.
And under the garb of this madness n pace, the boat is slowly drfiting. I am afraid that the boat will drfit too far to be retrievable. I need to catch the boat before that happens. I need to find that peace, and in that peace, connect with myself again.
That was the purpose behind running off to Chennai on the weekend. Bad decision. Had fun, all right.....but no peace. In fact, another element got added to the cauldron - strong emotion.
Maybe I will go somewhere quiet by myself next weekend.
Easier said than done.
Monday, October 27, 2003
A new face in the mirror
Met someone last week who reminded me of....Me!!!
It was only when I met him and spoke to him, that I realised why I felt such a strong sense of connection & emotion at the same time....it was because I recognised in him what I used to be.
I knew I had changed over the years, especially over the past 2 years, but not to this extent! Its scary...its like something was happening within me,,,and though I was dimly aware, I didn't realise the sharpness. Me....who has spent unholy amounts of time scrambling & meticuluously examining the truth within. And now its as if I hv been caught sleeping!!! It would be funny if it weren;t so tragic. Black humor enters my life again.
But what was it that prompted this realisation? I think it was the sheer romanticism that shone from him, the "goofiness", the straight-from-the-heart conversation. In my reaction to him I recognised the reactions of others to me, till a few years ago - Shekhar, Avijit, Amit, Meet - all people who had the same expression on their faces that I had when I met Vicky.
And where & when did this change happen? I think it was like a slow but steady erosion of rock by strong, salty waves (I certainly havent lost my zest for yucky romantic similies!).
And why?? The answer lies partly in the past..partly in the future. Today, I am what I am because of certain things that happened...the grief, the disillusionments, the loss of trust, the sense of disbelief, that forced me to withdraw back into myself.
Also, I am what I am because I am preparing for the future - a future very different, a future I can nevertheless see the genesis of, right now.
In fact, the strongest example of this is reflected in my social life. I used to be a person v v clear abt who I wanted to be with, who I got intimate with. Hence, had many pleasant simple social relationships, had a few very strong, intimate relationships, used to go out often only with the people I am close to, liked to spend time at home if that wasnt possible.
Now, I have many friends, none of whom I am intimate with. Once in a while a conversation with Unni/L/Darshan...and rarely, Shekhar...thats the extent of my intimacy. And the ratio of my social contact with them is barely 10-20% in comparison to the rest of my hectic, "fun oriented" socialising.
And finally...do I regret it? Wellll....to be v v honest, Yes.
I liked myself, genuinely did. Now I dont know even know whether I know myself, so where;s the question of liking.
And if I can't say I like myself, will I ever see the intimacy, the affection, the loyalty that I have known from others in the past? Certainly wont.
But perhaps that was a foregone conclusion that I had made about the future. And changed myself to suit that vision. Deep workings of the mind that even the self isn't aware of.
It was only when I met him and spoke to him, that I realised why I felt such a strong sense of connection & emotion at the same time....it was because I recognised in him what I used to be.
I knew I had changed over the years, especially over the past 2 years, but not to this extent! Its scary...its like something was happening within me,,,and though I was dimly aware, I didn't realise the sharpness. Me....who has spent unholy amounts of time scrambling & meticuluously examining the truth within. And now its as if I hv been caught sleeping!!! It would be funny if it weren;t so tragic. Black humor enters my life again.
But what was it that prompted this realisation? I think it was the sheer romanticism that shone from him, the "goofiness", the straight-from-the-heart conversation. In my reaction to him I recognised the reactions of others to me, till a few years ago - Shekhar, Avijit, Amit, Meet - all people who had the same expression on their faces that I had when I met Vicky.
And where & when did this change happen? I think it was like a slow but steady erosion of rock by strong, salty waves (I certainly havent lost my zest for yucky romantic similies!).
And why?? The answer lies partly in the past..partly in the future. Today, I am what I am because of certain things that happened...the grief, the disillusionments, the loss of trust, the sense of disbelief, that forced me to withdraw back into myself.
Also, I am what I am because I am preparing for the future - a future very different, a future I can nevertheless see the genesis of, right now.
In fact, the strongest example of this is reflected in my social life. I used to be a person v v clear abt who I wanted to be with, who I got intimate with. Hence, had many pleasant simple social relationships, had a few very strong, intimate relationships, used to go out often only with the people I am close to, liked to spend time at home if that wasnt possible.
Now, I have many friends, none of whom I am intimate with. Once in a while a conversation with Unni/L/Darshan...and rarely, Shekhar...thats the extent of my intimacy. And the ratio of my social contact with them is barely 10-20% in comparison to the rest of my hectic, "fun oriented" socialising.
And finally...do I regret it? Wellll....to be v v honest, Yes.
I liked myself, genuinely did. Now I dont know even know whether I know myself, so where;s the question of liking.
And if I can't say I like myself, will I ever see the intimacy, the affection, the loyalty that I have known from others in the past? Certainly wont.
But perhaps that was a foregone conclusion that I had made about the future. And changed myself to suit that vision. Deep workings of the mind that even the self isn't aware of.
Monday, October 20, 2003
Bloody hell, its been a month since I blogged!!!!!!!!!! What the hell is the point of life if you cant even spare for yourself a few moments of introspection/rambling......?!!!
I feel like stamping my feet and crying loudly...!! There's so bloody much to think, think, think, worry, worry, work out, work out, plan,plan.......ALL the time......projects, people, workplans, PPTs, unread mails, un-returned phone calls, updates, timings, cold, cough, dolly, mummy, plan, finances, abn amro, shares, laundry, bookcase, sarees, shopping, relatives, friends, relationships.....in short, mental n physical exhaustion.
And at the end, do I have a smug satisfied look on my face? No, I dont...the harried, circle under the eyes, totally confidence unispiring look continues. I look like a weak idiot. And my performance review barely a month away.
Just spoke to Unni....his father's not well, he;s running around docs n clinics, he;s got a job opportunity at Oracle which he;s not sure abt pursuing because of most convoluted, contradictory, unconvincing reasons. So, whats new.
I can't make it to chennai/pondicherry this weekend. Hell - its better if I just stay in Del. There when I miss him, I can at least console myself with the 3000km distance between us. Now, 300km away, its frustrating - so near, yet still so far. He's a self desructive fool. And I hv become like him. My time in Chennai was so painful because of this itself - the experience of being so close to the person who could take me to the highest heights, yet the actual reality of being at the lowest point most of the time. And, once in a while, I wld ask him - what are we doing??? We know each other, care for each other, understand each other, and are nearby each other. Yet both of us wrapped up in our own miseries, not reaching out to the other.
After eons, went for a play yesterday, or rather a series of one-act plays. Rather an amateurish production (though you wldnt have thought it looking at the prices!), 2 of the plays were really good, 2 were all right, and 2 were bad.
The good ones :
"The Rut" by some Russian playwright.
An old couple sitting in the dark, conversing. They are sitting in the dark because the husband forgot to bring candles. And so begins the acidic conversation that brims with biting witticims, delivered with perfect timing by two seasoned actors. They had to hold up the act twice because of the applause n laughter that followed every second line!
"The Philadelphia" by.....god knows! (my memory remains as good as ever!)
While the Rut played upon words, the strength of this one came from its characters - a flirtatious, good natured charlie who loves giving advice; a bored, pretty, hardened waitress; and an earnest buffoon who is in "the philadelphia", a state of life where you get exactly the opposite of what you ask for. Extremely enjoyable because of effective casting....in fact, I mean to trace the mail id of the main actor and send him my compliments. Sigh! another "to do" for my list!
The bad ones were basically sophisticated topics, marred by the lack of depth in collegians.
Which brings me to Baghban - a typical "family" movie, about an old couple and their children etc etc etc. Yes, it was overdone; yes, it was a little exagerrated. But the core was true. And that core of strong, pure emotion was brought out by the excellent performances of the 2 lead actors. My companions, on the other hand, couldn't stop screaming "yuck" most of the time. They are the same 2 women who love picking up stray puppies in sympathy, who can't stop their tears when their boyfriends say a harsh word to them, claiming that they are "sensitive". But they couldn;t bring themselves to step into the shoes of a different generation, 2 of whom went through heart wrenching period of disillusionment & grief.
As I am sometimes amazed by the purity in people;s hearts, I am sometimes taken aback by the lack of imagination & sensitivity that exists in so many of these so-called well-eductaed, well-brought up people.
The movie also brought back horrific memories of people I have known and the suffering they have gone through. Made me all the more determined to spend lesser time thinking of my convoluted life, and more trying to genuinely look after the people that I love. Hence, the call with Unni, which ended in me getting upset. Great!!
Everything quiet on the US front....not much of war rhetoric etc.....oh yes! how cld I forget..it branded Dawood Ibrahim an international terrorist. Cool - one good thing it did. If only the other actions were consistent.
Outlook's latest cover story is what I have been dreaming of for years "Why Indians hate their politicians". Finally!! A reliable survey puts politicians just above pimps. But what I am feeling gleeful about? As if these bastards don't know what the people think of them. They do. It doesn't matter. Why are only the wrong people assassinated??? But then, who am I to decide who the "right" people are? Maybe the right people don't always do the right things. This ties in with my earlier theory of good people creating evil around them. I think the ways things evolve is just ok. Lot of things wrong, of course, but things are taking their own path, bringing times with them that bring their own dimensions of good n evil. Case in point: the IT boom. All magazines keep writing abt the "new life", the high flying professionals, the dominance of Indians etc etc - who;s going to write about the toil behind this life, the slave mentality that we refuse to let go of, the "factories" where men are machines.....? Outlook - I call to you!!
On that rambling call, let me end what was a satisfying blog. Of course, by now I am sleepy n tired, and have a huge bunch of documents to go through for tomorrow morning;s meeting.
Yippee.
I feel like stamping my feet and crying loudly...!! There's so bloody much to think, think, think, worry, worry, work out, work out, plan,plan.......ALL the time......projects, people, workplans, PPTs, unread mails, un-returned phone calls, updates, timings, cold, cough, dolly, mummy, plan, finances, abn amro, shares, laundry, bookcase, sarees, shopping, relatives, friends, relationships.....in short, mental n physical exhaustion.
And at the end, do I have a smug satisfied look on my face? No, I dont...the harried, circle under the eyes, totally confidence unispiring look continues. I look like a weak idiot. And my performance review barely a month away.
Just spoke to Unni....his father's not well, he;s running around docs n clinics, he;s got a job opportunity at Oracle which he;s not sure abt pursuing because of most convoluted, contradictory, unconvincing reasons. So, whats new.
I can't make it to chennai/pondicherry this weekend. Hell - its better if I just stay in Del. There when I miss him, I can at least console myself with the 3000km distance between us. Now, 300km away, its frustrating - so near, yet still so far. He's a self desructive fool. And I hv become like him. My time in Chennai was so painful because of this itself - the experience of being so close to the person who could take me to the highest heights, yet the actual reality of being at the lowest point most of the time. And, once in a while, I wld ask him - what are we doing??? We know each other, care for each other, understand each other, and are nearby each other. Yet both of us wrapped up in our own miseries, not reaching out to the other.
After eons, went for a play yesterday, or rather a series of one-act plays. Rather an amateurish production (though you wldnt have thought it looking at the prices!), 2 of the plays were really good, 2 were all right, and 2 were bad.
The good ones :
"The Rut" by some Russian playwright.
An old couple sitting in the dark, conversing. They are sitting in the dark because the husband forgot to bring candles. And so begins the acidic conversation that brims with biting witticims, delivered with perfect timing by two seasoned actors. They had to hold up the act twice because of the applause n laughter that followed every second line!
"The Philadelphia" by.....god knows! (my memory remains as good as ever!)
While the Rut played upon words, the strength of this one came from its characters - a flirtatious, good natured charlie who loves giving advice; a bored, pretty, hardened waitress; and an earnest buffoon who is in "the philadelphia", a state of life where you get exactly the opposite of what you ask for. Extremely enjoyable because of effective casting....in fact, I mean to trace the mail id of the main actor and send him my compliments. Sigh! another "to do" for my list!
The bad ones were basically sophisticated topics, marred by the lack of depth in collegians.
Which brings me to Baghban - a typical "family" movie, about an old couple and their children etc etc etc. Yes, it was overdone; yes, it was a little exagerrated. But the core was true. And that core of strong, pure emotion was brought out by the excellent performances of the 2 lead actors. My companions, on the other hand, couldn't stop screaming "yuck" most of the time. They are the same 2 women who love picking up stray puppies in sympathy, who can't stop their tears when their boyfriends say a harsh word to them, claiming that they are "sensitive". But they couldn;t bring themselves to step into the shoes of a different generation, 2 of whom went through heart wrenching period of disillusionment & grief.
As I am sometimes amazed by the purity in people;s hearts, I am sometimes taken aback by the lack of imagination & sensitivity that exists in so many of these so-called well-eductaed, well-brought up people.
The movie also brought back horrific memories of people I have known and the suffering they have gone through. Made me all the more determined to spend lesser time thinking of my convoluted life, and more trying to genuinely look after the people that I love. Hence, the call with Unni, which ended in me getting upset. Great!!
Everything quiet on the US front....not much of war rhetoric etc.....oh yes! how cld I forget..it branded Dawood Ibrahim an international terrorist. Cool - one good thing it did. If only the other actions were consistent.
Outlook's latest cover story is what I have been dreaming of for years "Why Indians hate their politicians". Finally!! A reliable survey puts politicians just above pimps. But what I am feeling gleeful about? As if these bastards don't know what the people think of them. They do. It doesn't matter. Why are only the wrong people assassinated??? But then, who am I to decide who the "right" people are? Maybe the right people don't always do the right things. This ties in with my earlier theory of good people creating evil around them. I think the ways things evolve is just ok. Lot of things wrong, of course, but things are taking their own path, bringing times with them that bring their own dimensions of good n evil. Case in point: the IT boom. All magazines keep writing abt the "new life", the high flying professionals, the dominance of Indians etc etc - who;s going to write about the toil behind this life, the slave mentality that we refuse to let go of, the "factories" where men are machines.....? Outlook - I call to you!!
On that rambling call, let me end what was a satisfying blog. Of course, by now I am sleepy n tired, and have a huge bunch of documents to go through for tomorrow morning;s meeting.
Yippee.
Thursday, September 25, 2003
bloody hell...i hv to keep motivating myself
In the beginning, life is all about "positive experiences".....when I think of all positive feelings - security, sense of belonging, undiluted love, achievement, clear headedness - I realise that I got acquainted with all these in my childhood itself.
And then, slowly...quietly, life kept throwing the negatives my way. There was grief ....heartbreak.....disillusionment....insecurity.....confusion.....lack of achievement.......as life goes on, I keep getting acquainted with these feelings one by one. During these times, the pain is immense, but then as I emerge out of the cloud, I realise it is an "experience", it is something that takes me further along my goal of being a better, stronger person.
Am I again rationalising the negative? Doesnt matter. What matters is the end result - that I remain positive.
What if this process had been reversed? Would I have been able to hold on to a positive value system? I am very thankful to God/fate/destiny etc etc, that I dont have to answer this question.
And then, slowly...quietly, life kept throwing the negatives my way. There was grief ....heartbreak.....disillusionment....insecurity.....confusion.....lack of achievement.......as life goes on, I keep getting acquainted with these feelings one by one. During these times, the pain is immense, but then as I emerge out of the cloud, I realise it is an "experience", it is something that takes me further along my goal of being a better, stronger person.
Am I again rationalising the negative? Doesnt matter. What matters is the end result - that I remain positive.
What if this process had been reversed? Would I have been able to hold on to a positive value system? I am very thankful to God/fate/destiny etc etc, that I dont have to answer this question.
Friday, September 19, 2003
Ramblings
This is Friday night of undoubtedly one of the worst weeks ever (work wise)...hectic workschedules, a hyper boss, a sarcastic super boss, lack of sleep, and bad eating habits, and absence of support systems like unni....all contributed.
As i am too exhausted, will just post extracts from one or two mails I wrote this week:
"This week is getting steadily worse.....yesterday, I nearly blew up at my hysterical boss......am giving it one more chance today....am really in a mood to just blow up, but i keep calming myself down......the worst part is, nothing I do is appreciated....for so many weeks, I was wracked with so many questions n self - doubt, to which I had no answers....and hence spent many days in agony........but yest, after 2/3 harsh incidents, came to the conclusion that I cant blame myself for everything.....
As it is, I am hardly communicating nowdays (except with you)......thank god i am not married etc, else I wld really have a real problem on my hands! I dont think I am made for marriage....for one, I want to do too many things in life and dont want to be constantly taking into consideration a "life partner", neither am i the type of person who wld just go ahead and live the way i want to, let the relatioship suffer.......i believe in making things work, and that goes for relationships......if I put it in typical "office style" terms - I dont have the bandwidth to take on critical things....I dont believe in doing things for the sake of doing it, and I wont take on things I cant do justice to"
"i am so sleepy.....left at 12 last night and came back at 9.....but whats the piont of working hard if it is still thought that i dont? I might as well prove them right. but somehow, am unable to bring myself to reach that point. my tenure here is a struggle to hold on to my sense of self, and the values n beliefs I have. I think thats essentially the struggle of life. I hope I hv been successful so far. I hope I wl continue to be."
Whats to look forward to? MOVIES!!!! 4 of them.......hallelujah!
As i am too exhausted, will just post extracts from one or two mails I wrote this week:
"This week is getting steadily worse.....yesterday, I nearly blew up at my hysterical boss......am giving it one more chance today....am really in a mood to just blow up, but i keep calming myself down......the worst part is, nothing I do is appreciated....for so many weeks, I was wracked with so many questions n self - doubt, to which I had no answers....and hence spent many days in agony........but yest, after 2/3 harsh incidents, came to the conclusion that I cant blame myself for everything.....
As it is, I am hardly communicating nowdays (except with you)......thank god i am not married etc, else I wld really have a real problem on my hands! I dont think I am made for marriage....for one, I want to do too many things in life and dont want to be constantly taking into consideration a "life partner", neither am i the type of person who wld just go ahead and live the way i want to, let the relatioship suffer.......i believe in making things work, and that goes for relationships......if I put it in typical "office style" terms - I dont have the bandwidth to take on critical things....I dont believe in doing things for the sake of doing it, and I wont take on things I cant do justice to"
"i am so sleepy.....left at 12 last night and came back at 9.....but whats the piont of working hard if it is still thought that i dont? I might as well prove them right. but somehow, am unable to bring myself to reach that point. my tenure here is a struggle to hold on to my sense of self, and the values n beliefs I have. I think thats essentially the struggle of life. I hope I hv been successful so far. I hope I wl continue to be."
Whats to look forward to? MOVIES!!!! 4 of them.......hallelujah!
Tuesday, September 16, 2003
Questions at work
This was Unni;s response to my description of the self-doubt I often feel now at work.
Creep.
Leo Employee Profile
Leo workers want to be first and at the center of the office.Even if they
can't lead, they'll look for every opportunity to increase their own status
-- and if someone else seems ahead of them, look out. They will make it
clear that they aren't happy by pouting and complaining. They want
advancement so much that they'll take on more responsibility and carry a
heavier load than anyone else does in the office. And they are
self-promoters. It is likely that they are telling everyone in the office
what a great job they are doing as well as giving everyone unwanted advice.
They know they are superior and want everyone to know it
as well. This arrogance can sometimes cause problems
when working with management. But typically, they are just
hard workers out to demonstrate just how good they really are.
They thrive in sales positions - they can promote a product
or company just as well as they promote themselves.
Their strength and arrogance isn't just show either. In a crisis
situation, Leos really demonstrate their true courage.
Leos want to lead and will be pushing for more responsibility
and rewards. They are happy to train and mentor new co-
workers as they enjoy giving advice and being in positions of
authority.
If you are trying to manage a Leo employee, you'll need to
give them plenty of praise, responsibility, and independence.
They will certainly want to help lighten your load of manage-
ment responsibilities. Just be careful- the next thing you know
they could be taking over your job.
Creep.
Leo Employee Profile
Leo workers want to be first and at the center of the office.Even if they
can't lead, they'll look for every opportunity to increase their own status
-- and if someone else seems ahead of them, look out. They will make it
clear that they aren't happy by pouting and complaining. They want
advancement so much that they'll take on more responsibility and carry a
heavier load than anyone else does in the office. And they are
self-promoters. It is likely that they are telling everyone in the office
what a great job they are doing as well as giving everyone unwanted advice.
They know they are superior and want everyone to know it
as well. This arrogance can sometimes cause problems
when working with management. But typically, they are just
hard workers out to demonstrate just how good they really are.
They thrive in sales positions - they can promote a product
or company just as well as they promote themselves.
Their strength and arrogance isn't just show either. In a crisis
situation, Leos really demonstrate their true courage.
Leos want to lead and will be pushing for more responsibility
and rewards. They are happy to train and mentor new co-
workers as they enjoy giving advice and being in positions of
authority.
If you are trying to manage a Leo employee, you'll need to
give them plenty of praise, responsibility, and independence.
They will certainly want to help lighten your load of manage-
ment responsibilities. Just be careful- the next thing you know
they could be taking over your job.
Monday, September 08, 2003
Thoughts that cram the mind
I have just been to 2 blogs, both throwing up issues that struck a chord.
An old man in Eric's class....the fragility, the feeling he evokes-similar to that of a lost puppy.
There are such people you meet - old, fragile, dependent - emotionally, physically, and the worst, financially. And naturally their dependence causes them to be treated more callously, or worse, ignored.
And it kills me.
When I see an old woman, leaning on her stick, quiet as she looks out at the world - it kills me. Why should someone with a lifetime (literally) of experience, thoughts n emotions in her, be quiet? Who silenced her? Unfortunately, that answer is mostly all too evident as you look at her children.
Thats one of the reasons why I sympathise less with my colleagues'/friends' grouses with their families n parents. All said and done, however unhappy you are, however badly you (think) you have been treated, at least you have yr health n 2 hands with you - you have a life ahead of you which u can build. An escape.
For the old n tired, the betrayals are that much harder, considering there;s not much time to look forward to. But they cope. And they cope better than the so-called healthy youth, most of whom moan and escape into therapy.
Second was on love - or rather, falling in love (I very distinctly separate the two - loving someone and being in love with someone are two entirely different ballgames). Why do we torture ourselves? But DO we torture ourselves? Eric (another one) is going hammer n tongs for this guy who is plainly good natured but self centred and intends to use Eric as a convenient devotee. But is he totally to blame? I somehow cant let go of the feeling that too much good in one brings out the evil in others. To do a crude extension of Adam's Invisible Hand theory, there has to be some evil in us that will keep the evil in others under check. Else, there is polarisation - there is a "Good" and a "Bad", and there is unhappiness and injustice. Go back to all the people u think are the sweetest n the most sensitive - prod further and you will hear a story/stories of terrible injustice n unhappiness they had gone at the hands of another. My personal take is that if u r too sweet n willing to take that extra step, u arouse people's bullying instincts. Or get used, as Eric is.
And yet, knowing all this, I will still do the same foolish things that I did before and got my ass kicked.
Bloody fool
An old man in Eric's class....the fragility, the feeling he evokes-similar to that of a lost puppy.
There are such people you meet - old, fragile, dependent - emotionally, physically, and the worst, financially. And naturally their dependence causes them to be treated more callously, or worse, ignored.
And it kills me.
When I see an old woman, leaning on her stick, quiet as she looks out at the world - it kills me. Why should someone with a lifetime (literally) of experience, thoughts n emotions in her, be quiet? Who silenced her? Unfortunately, that answer is mostly all too evident as you look at her children.
Thats one of the reasons why I sympathise less with my colleagues'/friends' grouses with their families n parents. All said and done, however unhappy you are, however badly you (think) you have been treated, at least you have yr health n 2 hands with you - you have a life ahead of you which u can build. An escape.
For the old n tired, the betrayals are that much harder, considering there;s not much time to look forward to. But they cope. And they cope better than the so-called healthy youth, most of whom moan and escape into therapy.
Second was on love - or rather, falling in love (I very distinctly separate the two - loving someone and being in love with someone are two entirely different ballgames). Why do we torture ourselves? But DO we torture ourselves? Eric (another one) is going hammer n tongs for this guy who is plainly good natured but self centred and intends to use Eric as a convenient devotee. But is he totally to blame? I somehow cant let go of the feeling that too much good in one brings out the evil in others. To do a crude extension of Adam's Invisible Hand theory, there has to be some evil in us that will keep the evil in others under check. Else, there is polarisation - there is a "Good" and a "Bad", and there is unhappiness and injustice. Go back to all the people u think are the sweetest n the most sensitive - prod further and you will hear a story/stories of terrible injustice n unhappiness they had gone at the hands of another. My personal take is that if u r too sweet n willing to take that extra step, u arouse people's bullying instincts. Or get used, as Eric is.
And yet, knowing all this, I will still do the same foolish things that I did before and got my ass kicked.
Bloody fool
Tuesday, September 02, 2003
Causing hurt
Shruti Dikshit just mailed me. She's got hold of some mail I wrote in Polaris in which I hv clubbed her with a group and spoken rather disparagingly about them. Naturally, she;s upset but was decent enuff to tell me about it.
My reaction to her :
Yo!!!
(a) god knows where u got this from. I dont remember even writing this....but the beginning and end sounds like me, so wont doubt the authencity....however, not knowing where this came from, maybe u could check the veracity of the exact words and that they hvnt been tampered with. the overall mail is definitely mine.
(b) I was certainly upset n disappointed by a lot of ppl there (and I had even spoken to u abt the depression I feel abt HR there) . this was mainly colored by namita and my impressions of her. and frankly, before I got to know u better, everyone else in that group - u, sonali, aditi - was associated with her. and again frankly, as far as ppl like sonali are concerned, these impressions didnt change. Thats the "grouping" part
(c) U as an individual I have liked (always) and respected (when I got to know u better). This is a fact, and u may choose to believe me or not. Thats up to you. But what do yr instincts say? Even rationally speaking, werent my feeling towards ppl I didnt like very evident - namita, poonam etc, even to an extent sonali?? Did u ever feel that with me? I cant prevent my feelings to show on my face, and u hv seen those expressions! Did u ever see that expression around you???
Again, I am not sure where u got this mail from. The mail is mine, but I am not sure of the words.
If u really want a defence, speak to Shweta Mishra, who I believe u interacted with in HCL. She;s my colleague here and naturally the first thing we spoke about was you. I didnt have anything negative to say about you.
But defence is nothing. Like accusations, defence can also be tampered with. Hence, I request you to go entirely by your instincts. In my experience, our instincts are right in 9 out of 10 cases.
I know that this mail would have been hurting. And I dont blame you for disliking me at this point. And I wont blame you either if u choose not to believe me. But please dont carry this in your heart, because you, after all u hv been thro at psl, dont deserve this.
And thank you for immediately reverting to me, rather than keeping it to yourself.
You may choose to reply or not.
Always
Sudeep
The sheer thought of another person (who I genuinely like) being hurt n upset is terrible. And when the source of that pain is me, I am consumed by sadness and guilt.
My reaction to her :
Yo!!!
(a) god knows where u got this from. I dont remember even writing this....but the beginning and end sounds like me, so wont doubt the authencity....however, not knowing where this came from, maybe u could check the veracity of the exact words and that they hvnt been tampered with. the overall mail is definitely mine.
(b) I was certainly upset n disappointed by a lot of ppl there (and I had even spoken to u abt the depression I feel abt HR there) . this was mainly colored by namita and my impressions of her. and frankly, before I got to know u better, everyone else in that group - u, sonali, aditi - was associated with her. and again frankly, as far as ppl like sonali are concerned, these impressions didnt change. Thats the "grouping" part
(c) U as an individual I have liked (always) and respected (when I got to know u better). This is a fact, and u may choose to believe me or not. Thats up to you. But what do yr instincts say? Even rationally speaking, werent my feeling towards ppl I didnt like very evident - namita, poonam etc, even to an extent sonali?? Did u ever feel that with me? I cant prevent my feelings to show on my face, and u hv seen those expressions! Did u ever see that expression around you???
Again, I am not sure where u got this mail from. The mail is mine, but I am not sure of the words.
If u really want a defence, speak to Shweta Mishra, who I believe u interacted with in HCL. She;s my colleague here and naturally the first thing we spoke about was you. I didnt have anything negative to say about you.
But defence is nothing. Like accusations, defence can also be tampered with. Hence, I request you to go entirely by your instincts. In my experience, our instincts are right in 9 out of 10 cases.
I know that this mail would have been hurting. And I dont blame you for disliking me at this point. And I wont blame you either if u choose not to believe me. But please dont carry this in your heart, because you, after all u hv been thro at psl, dont deserve this.
And thank you for immediately reverting to me, rather than keeping it to yourself.
You may choose to reply or not.
Always
Sudeep
The sheer thought of another person (who I genuinely like) being hurt n upset is terrible. And when the source of that pain is me, I am consumed by sadness and guilt.
Sunday, August 31, 2003
The Blurred Lines
Gangajal, the latest “realistic” fare to come from the art cinema turned commercial director, Prakash Jha, turned out to be thought provoking, literally.
Set in the interiors of Bihar, the film effectively captures the stench of corruption and terror that pervades the environment. A quietly courageous SP, recently posted there, unwittingly sets in motion a sequence of events that result in a group of young police officers using acid and stilettos to blind and maim 2 hard core criminals. This weapon, ironically called “gangajal” (which is water from the holy river of Ganga) acquires immense popularity amongst a population that suffers daily under the hands of criminals/politicians/police officers.
Not only did this acquire popularity in the fictional population of Tejpur, it drew cheers from the audience of thousand-odd that were gathered in the movie theatre. As the scale and intensity of brutalities steadily increased on screen, so did the crescendo of cheers and laughter in the hall. It was as if the anger and frustration of the mobs on screen connected with the spark of violence that resides within each of us, igniting it and drawing appreciation and comradeship in the acts of horrific brutality that were being committed. On screen, the lines between good and evil rapidly blurred. And in reality, it took just a 150-minute film to blur the lines between sanity and insanity, to transform the “family crowd” into a mob frothing at the mouth, seeking blood.
Everyday we live at the mercy of this precarious balance. Whether it is the French revolution centuries ago, or the recent Gujarat riots, the disturbance of this balance promises horror – a glimpse of which was seen in the theatre, the promise of which we see whenever that rush of blood to our heads causes mental and physical pain to someone else. Unfortunately, that seems to happen all too often.
Set in the interiors of Bihar, the film effectively captures the stench of corruption and terror that pervades the environment. A quietly courageous SP, recently posted there, unwittingly sets in motion a sequence of events that result in a group of young police officers using acid and stilettos to blind and maim 2 hard core criminals. This weapon, ironically called “gangajal” (which is water from the holy river of Ganga) acquires immense popularity amongst a population that suffers daily under the hands of criminals/politicians/police officers.
Not only did this acquire popularity in the fictional population of Tejpur, it drew cheers from the audience of thousand-odd that were gathered in the movie theatre. As the scale and intensity of brutalities steadily increased on screen, so did the crescendo of cheers and laughter in the hall. It was as if the anger and frustration of the mobs on screen connected with the spark of violence that resides within each of us, igniting it and drawing appreciation and comradeship in the acts of horrific brutality that were being committed. On screen, the lines between good and evil rapidly blurred. And in reality, it took just a 150-minute film to blur the lines between sanity and insanity, to transform the “family crowd” into a mob frothing at the mouth, seeking blood.
Everyday we live at the mercy of this precarious balance. Whether it is the French revolution centuries ago, or the recent Gujarat riots, the disturbance of this balance promises horror – a glimpse of which was seen in the theatre, the promise of which we see whenever that rush of blood to our heads causes mental and physical pain to someone else. Unfortunately, that seems to happen all too often.
Monday, August 25, 2003
A week rushes by and I am an year older
Rush,rush....so crooned Paula Abdul....and rush, rush....so I moan.
The birthday was one of the most uneventful ever.....my low key approach was quite successful this year (for a change) and celebration consisted of drinks n dinner with Darshan (3 Ds!) at Geoffrey's.
No gifts, though. Unni was suitably annoyed at what he calls an entire lack of enthu n imagination in my Blr friends!
The tension of preparing for the Cmty launches got over. they finally happened. and they happened well. got some appreciation, at last!
Life promises to be as irritatingly work oriented n exhausting for another 2/3 weeks at least. Many fires to fight.
Hvnt been to my fav blogs in a while - the 2 Erics, James, Nell.....what are they upto???!!!! Shall try to answer those questions tonite.
The birthday was one of the most uneventful ever.....my low key approach was quite successful this year (for a change) and celebration consisted of drinks n dinner with Darshan (3 Ds!) at Geoffrey's.
No gifts, though. Unni was suitably annoyed at what he calls an entire lack of enthu n imagination in my Blr friends!
The tension of preparing for the Cmty launches got over. they finally happened. and they happened well. got some appreciation, at last!
Life promises to be as irritatingly work oriented n exhausting for another 2/3 weeks at least. Many fires to fight.
Hvnt been to my fav blogs in a while - the 2 Erics, James, Nell.....what are they upto???!!!! Shall try to answer those questions tonite.
Tuesday, August 19, 2003
where are you?
where are the people I want the most in this state of mind, during this state of affairs?
Sitting on the airplane, looking at the moonlit clouds outside, I am wracked by sudden emotion. Is anybody there? No.
Then why do I myself and the world a disfavour by calling these people my closest ones, my support system etc etc. True, the very thought of them gives me strength. But shd it always be restricted to thought?
And I think all this. Yet, it doesnt matter. I am as much in love as I was before. I am consumed, possessed. What I think doesnt make an iota of difference to what I feel.
Sitting on the airplane, looking at the moonlit clouds outside, I am wracked by sudden emotion. Is anybody there? No.
Then why do I myself and the world a disfavour by calling these people my closest ones, my support system etc etc. True, the very thought of them gives me strength. But shd it always be restricted to thought?
And I think all this. Yet, it doesnt matter. I am as much in love as I was before. I am consumed, possessed. What I think doesnt make an iota of difference to what I feel.
Run Lola Run
I hvnt seen the movie yet, but it looks v interesting.
Unfortunately, there are lots of movies like that nowdays. This shd not become a regular practice.
Which brings me to what I want to say - who am I running for?
I am running for 12/14 hrs everyday. And
- my immediate boss/es arent happy - Lakshmi n Girish - things are NOT proceeding fast enough
- my management rep isnt happy
- my Ops Mgrs arent happy
- my people dont see much of me (they dont hv too many expectations from me, which is worse than being unhappy with me)
- my close ones are not happy - forget seeing me, they hardly hear fr me
- and I certainly am not happy - this is not me.
So who am I running for?
Unfortunately, there are lots of movies like that nowdays. This shd not become a regular practice.
Which brings me to what I want to say - who am I running for?
I am running for 12/14 hrs everyday. And
- my immediate boss/es arent happy - Lakshmi n Girish - things are NOT proceeding fast enough
- my management rep isnt happy
- my Ops Mgrs arent happy
- my people dont see much of me (they dont hv too many expectations from me, which is worse than being unhappy with me)
- my close ones are not happy - forget seeing me, they hardly hear fr me
- and I certainly am not happy - this is not me.
So who am I running for?
Wednesday, August 13, 2003
SO MUCH
There's SO MUCH to do right now, that I intimidate myself.
Content wise - hectic, tiring, but not so bad.
Communication wise - not so good.
Once again, I surprise myself. And not a very pleasant surprise, either.
Content wise - hectic, tiring, but not so bad.
Communication wise - not so good.
Once again, I surprise myself. And not a very pleasant surprise, either.
Thursday, August 07, 2003
From the blog geckoblue, who, while being a bit militaristic, does make some good arguments sometimes.
Below is his blog :
Friends With Benefits
Maybe someone can explain to me, rationally, the straight case against gay marriage.
The statements I've seen thus far have been rather vacuous, characterized more by well-I-just-think-it's-wrong dismissals than serious, thoughtful misgivings. Others put forward self-contradicting arguments that are absurd on their face, unwittingly making the case for gay marriage while underscoring the writer's own ignorance.
Here's what you commonly hear once you get the detractors to cease their frantic, seething, hair-pulling, Bible-thrusting frenzy and articulate their reasons for opposition:
Marriage is an institution between one man and one woman.
A non-argument. Simply re-stating the current definition of marriage does nothing to justify its exclusiveness.
It denigrates the institution of marriage.
I fail to see how husband and wife, upon hearing that the gay couple down the street just got hitched, will subsequently flush their rings down the toilet and call it quits. How does the prospect of someone else getting married make yours any less meaningful? And how does the idea that others can get married make it a less attractive option for men and women who love each other? Another non-argument.
Marriages are for ensuring the continuation of the species.
No, procreation is for ensuring our continuation, and I think nature has that part set on auto-pilot. I've seen some strange arguments against gay marriage, but I don't think even the most extreme conservatives would argue that gay marriage will cause people to stop fucking.
But marriage IS for procreation.
Wow, really? They should require fertility tests, then, when straight people apply for marriage licenses. And no old people, either. They need procreation like they need to be behind the wheel of a car.
Slippery slope: People will want to marry children.
There is an entire body of national and state law that states children do not have the right to make adult decisions until, well, they become adults. Those laws have never been eroded, and they won't be invalidated by gay marriage either.
Slippery slope: People will marry their dogs!
Riiight. Allow consenting adults to marry, and suddenly there will be no defense against inter-species marriage.
This is a silly, flailing argument that nevertheless needs to be addressed so we can move on to more serious discussion. Animals, like children, cannot legally give consent to such pairings. Therefore, I think we're on solid legal grounds when we exclude bestiality. Reductio ad absurdum is the last refuge of those who cannot put forth a rational case.
Slippery slope: Incestuous family members will want to marry!
Please. First, such relationships involving children are child abuse, plain and simple. And as a rule, adult incestuous relationships are discouraged, if not outlawed, because of the danger inbreeding poses to the potential offspring of such unions. Unfortunately for anti-gay zealots, gays don't have the capability to produce deformed offspring.
Slippery slope: Groups of people will marry!
Then why hasn't group marriage occurred in any of the countries that already allow gay marriage?
Besides, there are plenty of legal reasons to limit the number of individuals who can be part of a marriage contract, one of them being the need to prevent fraud -- groups of people getting together and sucking resources from the system like it's some group discount at BJ's.
Gay marriage allows gays to recruit more members.
Ah...now we're getting down to the real reasons people oppose gay marriage: fear and loathing of homosexuals, and a belief that gays simply wish to make their "lifestyle" more attractive to lure more straight folk.
This is the argument implied by Deb, the detractor I linked to above: "To me, being gay for some is the only way that otherwise really awkward people can 'fit in' to a group. Who wouldn't 'choose' that over being isolated, especially now that our entertainment industry has glorified being gay to such a huge extent."
So, all gays started out as "awkward" people who found their true calling in having sex with other men/women. Like I said, absurd.
Next, they'll want adoption.
And then, of course, gays will recruit the children and abuse them, much like the catholic church.
This argument is an appeal against gay adoption, the merits and drawbacks of which can be debated later. It does not directly address the issue of gay marriage, since many straight couples do not have children.
Second, the argument implies that exposure to gays is inherently harmful to children. Deb, the writer I linked to above, made a particularly revealing comment to this effect -- one that goes to her own laughable ignorance:
Case in point...I have a friend who's gay. He has pictures of naked men all over his apartment. He's a great guy, very nice, very responsible and very successful. Should he be allowed to adopt a child if he gets married to his boyfriend? Would you put a child in a hetero home with pictures of naked women (or men) all over the walls?
The none-too-clever insinuation is clear: Gays, while "nice" and "responsible" on the surface, are voracious horndogs whose obsession with sexuality would undoubtedly spill over into their child-rearing. Placing kids with these people is akin to child abuse.
And while I'm at it, I'll offer one final, damning quote from Deb:
I'm fairly sure those with my view are going to lose in the end. Can't put the genie back in the bottle and all...But I'm sad about it. I do see that our society/culture is taking a nosedive in the civility and focus on the common good sense. Not sure it was ever really that strong except for a time in the mid-fifties (if you were white), but still.
Uh-huh.
Overall, opponents of gay marriage can't offer a reasonable case against gay marriage because there is none. They appear to be motivated more by the "yuk" factor than any broader, rational concern for society.
It's been said elsewhere, and I think it bears repeating: "These arguments serve mainly to obscure the issue, not illuminate it. Conservatives say they abhor gay marriage because they value marriage. The truth is they abhor gay marriage because they abhor gays."
Deb;s reply to that thro the Comments column :
Ouch! Ok, fine, ten points to you. I'm not going to argue with you because you are entitled to your opinion, as am I to mine. You may disagree and think I'm wrong, but I was being honest.
I don't think this is an easy issue. I have vascillated back and forth on it myself for ages, asking the same questions: "What do I care? What harm would it do?" etc...But I keep coming back to the same conclusion that it bothers me.
Maybe you're right that it's the "yuk" factor as you put it, but let's be clear on one thing, I don't hate homosexuals, nor do I think they "recruit." I do think that exposing young children to overt homosexual behaviors can be confusing to them, sorry but I do. Does it convert them? Doubt it, but it's something that needs explaining to them because even small kids "get" the "it takes a mommy and a daddy to make a baby" concept (they don't know about IVF unfortunately). So lots of parents don't want to be forced to explain to their kids why so-and-so has two mommies, or two daddies, or whatever. Now all of this can happen without marriage, I grant you, and so I guess I wonder why do I harp on marriage if that's the case? Sure does throw my argument--as you said--out the window. I agree.
But something still bugs me about it. I'm just stream-of-consciousness writing here (as I was to a degree in my post and comments, but since you don't know me, you woudn't know that)--but it baffles me as to why homosexuals are asking to be married? Seems to me the same reasoning must apply in their case as applies in mine as a straight person, but since I'm obviously having so much trouble articulating it, I'd like to know what their explanation is. Is that too much to ask?
My initial point was merely to take apart the arguments we hear so often in the press...the ones about money and and the ones about "luuuuuv." I wanted to do that
a) Because I don't buy it for some reason
b) Because those really aren't the reasons straight people get married (not really, rarely occurs to 90% of married people I know, myself included, even love isn't enough when society allows for people--straight or gay--to NOT get married and live together without being stigmatized)
c) Because I can't help but feel the real reason is something else...Something more agenda driven, and I'm trying to figure out what it is!
Part of why I feel this way is that the statistics just don't bear out that homosexuals want to be married! In VT and Hawaii, they aren't marrying anywhere near the same percentage of their populations as straight people. Why is that? I have no idea, I just tried to posit answers, and you took that to mean I'm "anti-gay," that's not true. You can think it if you want, but it's not true.
I only know why I got married, and a large part of it had to do with validation, belonging, societal recognition, a sense of permanence between my husband and me, lots of esoteric shit in addition to love. Then there was the kids and legitimacy thing.
While I agree with you that marriage wasn't put in place for the purpose of perpetuating the species (I don't recall saying that exactly), I do think it was put in place to ensure that the offspring would be cared for once had. You're right, biology has us on autopilot to reproduce, but not to take responsibility (legal or otherwise) for the results of our coitus. I do think this was part of it way back when, and now it's psychological.
There is still stigma tied to divorce, and to bearing children out of wedlock. All sorts of statisticians will tell you that illegitimacy and various ills such as crime, drug abuse, etc...tend to go hand in hand. No, not just because the kids are born to unwed parents, but more likely because one of the two parents isn't legally bound to stick around and help raise that kid to be a productive member of society. Even single parents who are educated and well-off face difficulties in this area.
So to me, if we're going to allow gay couples to adopt, then we should allow them to marry. I do feel that a two parent household (or an intact, predictable environment, how's that) is important for a kid's self-esteem. Just want that to be clear.
What does worry me though is that "discrimination" as a word is being used right now like a weapon by the homosexual community. Rather than seeing that it's really hard for even thoughtful straight people (whatever you think of me, I hope I can get credit for TRYING to understand my own viewpoint) to wrap their brains around the concept of gay marriage (whether it's the "ick" factor or religion or whatever holding them back), and to be TOLERANT of that point of view long enough to work together to overcome it, they seem to go on the attack. Calling me names ("ignorant" "homophobe" etc...) only makes me more resistant, and validates my perception of an "us and them" culture!
If what homosexuals truly want is to be treated equally, then it seems they should stop going on the attack. Because when I hear "discrimination!!!" I start to think that this is the word that will be used to intimidate adoption case workers and others into making some pretty scary exceptions. But make no mistake, I have the same fear of ANY group that bandies about the term "discrimination" every time they don't instantly get what they want. I used to work in HR for a company, it was nearly impossible to fire someone who was gay for this reason (or black or hispanic or a woman, you name it). We settled more lawsuits than you can shake a stick at, ALL of which were totally unfounded. This experience colors my view.
I'm not saying straight people are perfect, just saying that because marriage for us is the status quo, the system tends not to take much shit from us when we abuse the institution or misuse it. If you want to interpret this as a privilege, that's your call. I don't.
I hope you better understand my views now. I also hope you can find a way to explore this complex, emotional issue without calling people names and casting aspersions on their intelligence in the process. It may win you the argument in a technical sense, but it doesn't do what I think you'd want it to do which is change the minds of people who are more inclined to share my views. Since I would hope that's what you want in the end, you might want to consider a more "tolerant" approach.
:-)
Posted by Deb at August 5, 2003 10:39 AM
Very interesting. My comments? I would love to, but barely had time to read it!
Keeping this for future records, and hopefully some analysis in the future
Below is his blog :
Friends With Benefits
Maybe someone can explain to me, rationally, the straight case against gay marriage.
The statements I've seen thus far have been rather vacuous, characterized more by well-I-just-think-it's-wrong dismissals than serious, thoughtful misgivings. Others put forward self-contradicting arguments that are absurd on their face, unwittingly making the case for gay marriage while underscoring the writer's own ignorance.
Here's what you commonly hear once you get the detractors to cease their frantic, seething, hair-pulling, Bible-thrusting frenzy and articulate their reasons for opposition:
Marriage is an institution between one man and one woman.
A non-argument. Simply re-stating the current definition of marriage does nothing to justify its exclusiveness.
It denigrates the institution of marriage.
I fail to see how husband and wife, upon hearing that the gay couple down the street just got hitched, will subsequently flush their rings down the toilet and call it quits. How does the prospect of someone else getting married make yours any less meaningful? And how does the idea that others can get married make it a less attractive option for men and women who love each other? Another non-argument.
Marriages are for ensuring the continuation of the species.
No, procreation is for ensuring our continuation, and I think nature has that part set on auto-pilot. I've seen some strange arguments against gay marriage, but I don't think even the most extreme conservatives would argue that gay marriage will cause people to stop fucking.
But marriage IS for procreation.
Wow, really? They should require fertility tests, then, when straight people apply for marriage licenses. And no old people, either. They need procreation like they need to be behind the wheel of a car.
Slippery slope: People will want to marry children.
There is an entire body of national and state law that states children do not have the right to make adult decisions until, well, they become adults. Those laws have never been eroded, and they won't be invalidated by gay marriage either.
Slippery slope: People will marry their dogs!
Riiight. Allow consenting adults to marry, and suddenly there will be no defense against inter-species marriage.
This is a silly, flailing argument that nevertheless needs to be addressed so we can move on to more serious discussion. Animals, like children, cannot legally give consent to such pairings. Therefore, I think we're on solid legal grounds when we exclude bestiality. Reductio ad absurdum is the last refuge of those who cannot put forth a rational case.
Slippery slope: Incestuous family members will want to marry!
Please. First, such relationships involving children are child abuse, plain and simple. And as a rule, adult incestuous relationships are discouraged, if not outlawed, because of the danger inbreeding poses to the potential offspring of such unions. Unfortunately for anti-gay zealots, gays don't have the capability to produce deformed offspring.
Slippery slope: Groups of people will marry!
Then why hasn't group marriage occurred in any of the countries that already allow gay marriage?
Besides, there are plenty of legal reasons to limit the number of individuals who can be part of a marriage contract, one of them being the need to prevent fraud -- groups of people getting together and sucking resources from the system like it's some group discount at BJ's.
Gay marriage allows gays to recruit more members.
Ah...now we're getting down to the real reasons people oppose gay marriage: fear and loathing of homosexuals, and a belief that gays simply wish to make their "lifestyle" more attractive to lure more straight folk.
This is the argument implied by Deb, the detractor I linked to above: "To me, being gay for some is the only way that otherwise really awkward people can 'fit in' to a group. Who wouldn't 'choose' that over being isolated, especially now that our entertainment industry has glorified being gay to such a huge extent."
So, all gays started out as "awkward" people who found their true calling in having sex with other men/women. Like I said, absurd.
Next, they'll want adoption.
And then, of course, gays will recruit the children and abuse them, much like the catholic church.
This argument is an appeal against gay adoption, the merits and drawbacks of which can be debated later. It does not directly address the issue of gay marriage, since many straight couples do not have children.
Second, the argument implies that exposure to gays is inherently harmful to children. Deb, the writer I linked to above, made a particularly revealing comment to this effect -- one that goes to her own laughable ignorance:
Case in point...I have a friend who's gay. He has pictures of naked men all over his apartment. He's a great guy, very nice, very responsible and very successful. Should he be allowed to adopt a child if he gets married to his boyfriend? Would you put a child in a hetero home with pictures of naked women (or men) all over the walls?
The none-too-clever insinuation is clear: Gays, while "nice" and "responsible" on the surface, are voracious horndogs whose obsession with sexuality would undoubtedly spill over into their child-rearing. Placing kids with these people is akin to child abuse.
And while I'm at it, I'll offer one final, damning quote from Deb:
I'm fairly sure those with my view are going to lose in the end. Can't put the genie back in the bottle and all...But I'm sad about it. I do see that our society/culture is taking a nosedive in the civility and focus on the common good sense. Not sure it was ever really that strong except for a time in the mid-fifties (if you were white), but still.
Uh-huh.
Overall, opponents of gay marriage can't offer a reasonable case against gay marriage because there is none. They appear to be motivated more by the "yuk" factor than any broader, rational concern for society.
It's been said elsewhere, and I think it bears repeating: "These arguments serve mainly to obscure the issue, not illuminate it. Conservatives say they abhor gay marriage because they value marriage. The truth is they abhor gay marriage because they abhor gays."
Deb;s reply to that thro the Comments column :
Ouch! Ok, fine, ten points to you. I'm not going to argue with you because you are entitled to your opinion, as am I to mine. You may disagree and think I'm wrong, but I was being honest.
I don't think this is an easy issue. I have vascillated back and forth on it myself for ages, asking the same questions: "What do I care? What harm would it do?" etc...But I keep coming back to the same conclusion that it bothers me.
Maybe you're right that it's the "yuk" factor as you put it, but let's be clear on one thing, I don't hate homosexuals, nor do I think they "recruit." I do think that exposing young children to overt homosexual behaviors can be confusing to them, sorry but I do. Does it convert them? Doubt it, but it's something that needs explaining to them because even small kids "get" the "it takes a mommy and a daddy to make a baby" concept (they don't know about IVF unfortunately). So lots of parents don't want to be forced to explain to their kids why so-and-so has two mommies, or two daddies, or whatever. Now all of this can happen without marriage, I grant you, and so I guess I wonder why do I harp on marriage if that's the case? Sure does throw my argument--as you said--out the window. I agree.
But something still bugs me about it. I'm just stream-of-consciousness writing here (as I was to a degree in my post and comments, but since you don't know me, you woudn't know that)--but it baffles me as to why homosexuals are asking to be married? Seems to me the same reasoning must apply in their case as applies in mine as a straight person, but since I'm obviously having so much trouble articulating it, I'd like to know what their explanation is. Is that too much to ask?
My initial point was merely to take apart the arguments we hear so often in the press...the ones about money and and the ones about "luuuuuv." I wanted to do that
a) Because I don't buy it for some reason
b) Because those really aren't the reasons straight people get married (not really, rarely occurs to 90% of married people I know, myself included, even love isn't enough when society allows for people--straight or gay--to NOT get married and live together without being stigmatized)
c) Because I can't help but feel the real reason is something else...Something more agenda driven, and I'm trying to figure out what it is!
Part of why I feel this way is that the statistics just don't bear out that homosexuals want to be married! In VT and Hawaii, they aren't marrying anywhere near the same percentage of their populations as straight people. Why is that? I have no idea, I just tried to posit answers, and you took that to mean I'm "anti-gay," that's not true. You can think it if you want, but it's not true.
I only know why I got married, and a large part of it had to do with validation, belonging, societal recognition, a sense of permanence between my husband and me, lots of esoteric shit in addition to love. Then there was the kids and legitimacy thing.
While I agree with you that marriage wasn't put in place for the purpose of perpetuating the species (I don't recall saying that exactly), I do think it was put in place to ensure that the offspring would be cared for once had. You're right, biology has us on autopilot to reproduce, but not to take responsibility (legal or otherwise) for the results of our coitus. I do think this was part of it way back when, and now it's psychological.
There is still stigma tied to divorce, and to bearing children out of wedlock. All sorts of statisticians will tell you that illegitimacy and various ills such as crime, drug abuse, etc...tend to go hand in hand. No, not just because the kids are born to unwed parents, but more likely because one of the two parents isn't legally bound to stick around and help raise that kid to be a productive member of society. Even single parents who are educated and well-off face difficulties in this area.
So to me, if we're going to allow gay couples to adopt, then we should allow them to marry. I do feel that a two parent household (or an intact, predictable environment, how's that) is important for a kid's self-esteem. Just want that to be clear.
What does worry me though is that "discrimination" as a word is being used right now like a weapon by the homosexual community. Rather than seeing that it's really hard for even thoughtful straight people (whatever you think of me, I hope I can get credit for TRYING to understand my own viewpoint) to wrap their brains around the concept of gay marriage (whether it's the "ick" factor or religion or whatever holding them back), and to be TOLERANT of that point of view long enough to work together to overcome it, they seem to go on the attack. Calling me names ("ignorant" "homophobe" etc...) only makes me more resistant, and validates my perception of an "us and them" culture!
If what homosexuals truly want is to be treated equally, then it seems they should stop going on the attack. Because when I hear "discrimination!!!" I start to think that this is the word that will be used to intimidate adoption case workers and others into making some pretty scary exceptions. But make no mistake, I have the same fear of ANY group that bandies about the term "discrimination" every time they don't instantly get what they want. I used to work in HR for a company, it was nearly impossible to fire someone who was gay for this reason (or black or hispanic or a woman, you name it). We settled more lawsuits than you can shake a stick at, ALL of which were totally unfounded. This experience colors my view.
I'm not saying straight people are perfect, just saying that because marriage for us is the status quo, the system tends not to take much shit from us when we abuse the institution or misuse it. If you want to interpret this as a privilege, that's your call. I don't.
I hope you better understand my views now. I also hope you can find a way to explore this complex, emotional issue without calling people names and casting aspersions on their intelligence in the process. It may win you the argument in a technical sense, but it doesn't do what I think you'd want it to do which is change the minds of people who are more inclined to share my views. Since I would hope that's what you want in the end, you might want to consider a more "tolerant" approach.
:-)
Posted by Deb at August 5, 2003 10:39 AM
Very interesting. My comments? I would love to, but barely had time to read it!
Keeping this for future records, and hopefully some analysis in the future
Friday, August 01, 2003
eod
the week ends, finally.
at the end of it....yes, life still sucks. yes, i am still confused, more than ever.
Sidharth called me...I just blabbed everything to him...shouldnt have....but it felt so nice just talking abt it.
But I shd keep quiet. Most of what is going on in my head is something only I can properly understand and place in the right context.
Hopefully a nice weekend. But the heart sinks at the thought of the Monday beyond.
at the end of it....yes, life still sucks. yes, i am still confused, more than ever.
Sidharth called me...I just blabbed everything to him...shouldnt have....but it felt so nice just talking abt it.
But I shd keep quiet. Most of what is going on in my head is something only I can properly understand and place in the right context.
Hopefully a nice weekend. But the heart sinks at the thought of the Monday beyond.
Low
Am so bloody low today its not funny.
As usual, it is not pure tension or pain which makes me low, rather it is the swirling cloud of grey in my head that causes irritation/anger/depression/loneliness in more or less equal measures.
Words that keep coming back -
girish....trust...respect.....shift timings....life....full stops....competence....adjustments.....reactions...options....
What I want to do (need to do) is to just curl up quietly with no expression on my face...watch a mindless movie or read a mindless magazine, and maybe think.
Instead, what I have to do is to have lunch with super-boss in a group, be pleasant and amicable...meet my new boss...be energetic and intelligent looking....work on my presentation...present the stuff tonite in front of the whole management, all the while keeping up a confident, intelligent exterior.
Fuck.
As usual, it is not pure tension or pain which makes me low, rather it is the swirling cloud of grey in my head that causes irritation/anger/depression/loneliness in more or less equal measures.
Words that keep coming back -
girish....trust...respect.....shift timings....life....full stops....competence....adjustments.....reactions...options....
What I want to do (need to do) is to just curl up quietly with no expression on my face...watch a mindless movie or read a mindless magazine, and maybe think.
Instead, what I have to do is to have lunch with super-boss in a group, be pleasant and amicable...meet my new boss...be energetic and intelligent looking....work on my presentation...present the stuff tonite in front of the whole management, all the while keeping up a confident, intelligent exterior.
Fuck.
Tuesday, July 29, 2003
2 days
2 days of just getting away from it all.
Brief, significant impressions....
- Reaching Darshan;s house at 1 pm, after a horrible, disgusting party that had left a bad taste in the mouth. ANYthing wld have been great after that.....that way it was a good start, as we left 5 hrs later.
- Getting money out of the ATM....an hour delayed....WHY cldnt this have been done a day before??Irritated.
- Shaan soothes me. "woh pehli baar" still gives me that knot in that stomach and that smile on my face. Thats followed by the Beatles. Its Darshan;s turn to hum. After that, George Michael is the unanimous choice! Freedom!
- A stop for breakfast. Lovely dosa...made all the more delicious by the fact that we were starving! I then went to the rest room...back....down a corridor....the yellow walls getting blacker....take a right and go into an iron door, rusted with age, into a small space that is as "clean" as it is cramped. On the way back, u take a look at whats on yr right....the scene is right out of Oliver Twist or one of those - a large stuffy room, walls blackened with soot(dust?tar?)...large, brown mechanisms producing food startlingly light in colour..flashes of fire and the smell of oil..and 2 teenagers staring at my shoes. I came out into the blinding light and bought a Sprite for the rest of the journey.
- Reached Yercaud exactly at 12....its not really chilly, but its cool. And v v windy. My poor hair (fast disappearing)....we saunter in confidently to Sterling resorts, talking about bargaining and getting a sexy room....our conversation dies down as we enter the parking lot - full. We spot 5 Mercs, several Skodas/Accents/Ikons etc. Fears confirmed at the reception - "full house, no vacancies".
We decide to grin and bear it. That grin is fast replaced by a frown as we get the same response EVERYWHERE - from budget hotels to hovels in the ground. What the fuck is happening? A kind soul enlightens us - the local elitist boarding school is having its Sports Day and Old Boys reunion. Hence, the deluge of visitors to this sleepy town.
- Resigned to going back at night, we are driving....when we come across this "holiday home" in the middle of nowhere, that hadnt been advertised ANYwhere in this billboard plastered town. Dar:"why do u want another no?" Me :"lets try".
It is empty. We are welcomed with a smile.
An empty hotel in a town chockful of visitors. Clean, bland rooms. 2 workers who dont have any additional service to offer. My antenna is perked.
- A short drive through intense flora (and fauna...was that the rustling in the trees?), listening to soft instrumental....a short trek leading to "Kiliyur Falls".....there;s no water! But there;s peace. Not a sound in the air except the click of our camera and the whoosh of the trees in the wind (Wordsworth anyone?!) Lying on the smooth rock, eyes closed, and the mind blank, for once.
Until Darshan has a "funny feeling that we should leave". In the middle of this green heaven, this gets curioser n curioser
- Lets not drive, lets walk - thats my suggestion.
And what a walk it was....at least for me! We go up n down, up n down..legs starting to ache at the mere thought of traversing this terrain on the way back. We pass 3 tall stone arches, just there, leading to nothing. Is it a trick? Thats my LOTR/HP hangover.
The Pagoda point - strong gusts of wind, and a view of the plains - twinkling lights in the fast fading light. Time for some crisp Lays (consumerism, hallelujah!) and quiet contemplation (!)
Time passes, and its cloudy night....there are no stars, just a dim grey light, and in this we start our walk back. On our way is a set of houses, about 20 of them, neatly laid out on proper streets. All empty. Broken panes and fading paint on never-lived homes. Blank windows staring at us as we pass them. I, of course, stare back.
This bravado is tinged with an over active imagination, which is certainly not quietened by the lane that awaits us. Thick foliage around us, with an occasional glimpse of a hut or a cottage, that has a dim yellow light shining inside. Else there is silence (eerie silence). Fireflies flit around, and we spot them in wonder. Scenes from movies - A/B/C/D grade - all welcome! - crowd my mind. Stephen King;s storytelling techniques prove their excellence. Thankfully, I enjoy it, and can smile.
But what about tomorrow? Wl I always smile?
I need to get less obsessed with the supernatural/morbid/dark stuff...I may "enjoy" it now, but what if that walk had turned me (or poor Dar) into a neurotic wreck?!!!
- Down the hill we go, listening to the rambunctious beats of bhangra and the quiet passion of ghazals. 2 hours and Tracy Chapmen later, we are at Hogenakal falls - there;s nothing to eat, the sun is disgustingly hot, and there are HORDES of people around, all chattering seemingly oblivious to the heat. A half a km walk through crowded market and we reach the river. Haggle,haggle with the boatwallas, then step gingerly into a round, bamboo-made boat (at least I think its bamboo) and we swish off into the swirling current (nicholas monsarrat, gentlemen?!)
- One of the most pleasurable rides I have had....not much falls due to lack of sufficient water, but enough to generate a current that pleasantly scares, and we watch anxiously at the boatman who confidently wields his oar. Never mind the multitude of boats-bogged-down-with-humanity that pass us, never mind the vistas of half naked men n women who are bathing, never mind the sun that BEATS down relentlessly.....I enjoy myself.
- We are hot n sweaty, but (and I speak confidently for myself) happy. Our chariot is not too hot, and while the AC does take time to cool, relief is instant.
Plunge back into the crazy combo of good n bad roads, sleepy n hungry.
Things improve for him after Massive Attack. I am now sleepy, hungry and edgy.
- A genuine Punjabi dhaba...hurrah! A request for Chicken Tikka at 4:30 pm, which is promptly accepted, and then politely refused. Nevertheless, hot sweet tea, oily pakoras and solid roti-bhurji down our throats, and life begins again. So does conversation.
- Which brings me to the common theme in this whole flow of thoughts n experiences - conversation. With someone who you connect to, who you care for, who is as much a part of you as your own self. Sometimes irreverent, sometimes edgy; sometimes sarcastic, sometimes intimate; mostly comfortable chatter.
As I said, I had a lovely weekend
Brief, significant impressions....
- Reaching Darshan;s house at 1 pm, after a horrible, disgusting party that had left a bad taste in the mouth. ANYthing wld have been great after that.....that way it was a good start, as we left 5 hrs later.
- Getting money out of the ATM....an hour delayed....WHY cldnt this have been done a day before??Irritated.
- Shaan soothes me. "woh pehli baar" still gives me that knot in that stomach and that smile on my face. Thats followed by the Beatles. Its Darshan;s turn to hum. After that, George Michael is the unanimous choice! Freedom!
- A stop for breakfast. Lovely dosa...made all the more delicious by the fact that we were starving! I then went to the rest room...back....down a corridor....the yellow walls getting blacker....take a right and go into an iron door, rusted with age, into a small space that is as "clean" as it is cramped. On the way back, u take a look at whats on yr right....the scene is right out of Oliver Twist or one of those - a large stuffy room, walls blackened with soot(dust?tar?)...large, brown mechanisms producing food startlingly light in colour..flashes of fire and the smell of oil..and 2 teenagers staring at my shoes. I came out into the blinding light and bought a Sprite for the rest of the journey.
- Reached Yercaud exactly at 12....its not really chilly, but its cool. And v v windy. My poor hair (fast disappearing)....we saunter in confidently to Sterling resorts, talking about bargaining and getting a sexy room....our conversation dies down as we enter the parking lot - full. We spot 5 Mercs, several Skodas/Accents/Ikons etc. Fears confirmed at the reception - "full house, no vacancies".
We decide to grin and bear it. That grin is fast replaced by a frown as we get the same response EVERYWHERE - from budget hotels to hovels in the ground. What the fuck is happening? A kind soul enlightens us - the local elitist boarding school is having its Sports Day and Old Boys reunion. Hence, the deluge of visitors to this sleepy town.
- Resigned to going back at night, we are driving....when we come across this "holiday home" in the middle of nowhere, that hadnt been advertised ANYwhere in this billboard plastered town. Dar:"why do u want another no?" Me :"lets try".
It is empty. We are welcomed with a smile.
An empty hotel in a town chockful of visitors. Clean, bland rooms. 2 workers who dont have any additional service to offer. My antenna is perked.
- A short drive through intense flora (and fauna...was that the rustling in the trees?), listening to soft instrumental....a short trek leading to "Kiliyur Falls".....there;s no water! But there;s peace. Not a sound in the air except the click of our camera and the whoosh of the trees in the wind (Wordsworth anyone?!) Lying on the smooth rock, eyes closed, and the mind blank, for once.
Until Darshan has a "funny feeling that we should leave". In the middle of this green heaven, this gets curioser n curioser
- Lets not drive, lets walk - thats my suggestion.
And what a walk it was....at least for me! We go up n down, up n down..legs starting to ache at the mere thought of traversing this terrain on the way back. We pass 3 tall stone arches, just there, leading to nothing. Is it a trick? Thats my LOTR/HP hangover.
The Pagoda point - strong gusts of wind, and a view of the plains - twinkling lights in the fast fading light. Time for some crisp Lays (consumerism, hallelujah!) and quiet contemplation (!)
Time passes, and its cloudy night....there are no stars, just a dim grey light, and in this we start our walk back. On our way is a set of houses, about 20 of them, neatly laid out on proper streets. All empty. Broken panes and fading paint on never-lived homes. Blank windows staring at us as we pass them. I, of course, stare back.
This bravado is tinged with an over active imagination, which is certainly not quietened by the lane that awaits us. Thick foliage around us, with an occasional glimpse of a hut or a cottage, that has a dim yellow light shining inside. Else there is silence (eerie silence). Fireflies flit around, and we spot them in wonder. Scenes from movies - A/B/C/D grade - all welcome! - crowd my mind. Stephen King;s storytelling techniques prove their excellence. Thankfully, I enjoy it, and can smile.
But what about tomorrow? Wl I always smile?
I need to get less obsessed with the supernatural/morbid/dark stuff...I may "enjoy" it now, but what if that walk had turned me (or poor Dar) into a neurotic wreck?!!!
- Down the hill we go, listening to the rambunctious beats of bhangra and the quiet passion of ghazals. 2 hours and Tracy Chapmen later, we are at Hogenakal falls - there;s nothing to eat, the sun is disgustingly hot, and there are HORDES of people around, all chattering seemingly oblivious to the heat. A half a km walk through crowded market and we reach the river. Haggle,haggle with the boatwallas, then step gingerly into a round, bamboo-made boat (at least I think its bamboo) and we swish off into the swirling current (nicholas monsarrat, gentlemen?!)
- One of the most pleasurable rides I have had....not much falls due to lack of sufficient water, but enough to generate a current that pleasantly scares, and we watch anxiously at the boatman who confidently wields his oar. Never mind the multitude of boats-bogged-down-with-humanity that pass us, never mind the vistas of half naked men n women who are bathing, never mind the sun that BEATS down relentlessly.....I enjoy myself.
- We are hot n sweaty, but (and I speak confidently for myself) happy. Our chariot is not too hot, and while the AC does take time to cool, relief is instant.
Plunge back into the crazy combo of good n bad roads, sleepy n hungry.
Things improve for him after Massive Attack. I am now sleepy, hungry and edgy.
- A genuine Punjabi dhaba...hurrah! A request for Chicken Tikka at 4:30 pm, which is promptly accepted, and then politely refused. Nevertheless, hot sweet tea, oily pakoras and solid roti-bhurji down our throats, and life begins again. So does conversation.
- Which brings me to the common theme in this whole flow of thoughts n experiences - conversation. With someone who you connect to, who you care for, who is as much a part of you as your own self. Sometimes irreverent, sometimes edgy; sometimes sarcastic, sometimes intimate; mostly comfortable chatter.
As I said, I had a lovely weekend
looking inwards
Every morning I arrive with a heavy stomach, dragging my feet. And its just the first month.
Is this a reflection of my incompetence?
or my lack of adjustment skills?(or rather, resistance to change)
or my alarmist/dramatic tendencies?(as people like Unni wld no doubt think)
Or is it a genuine problem..with Acn and particularly the boss being the culprit?
Or is neither at fault - just a fitment issue?
For one of the very few times in my life, (esp academic/professional life), I am woozy in the head on this. I dont know. Neither can I think of someone who I trust could help me clear my mind.
Is this a reflection of my incompetence?
or my lack of adjustment skills?(or rather, resistance to change)
or my alarmist/dramatic tendencies?(as people like Unni wld no doubt think)
Or is it a genuine problem..with Acn and particularly the boss being the culprit?
Or is neither at fault - just a fitment issue?
For one of the very few times in my life, (esp academic/professional life), I am woozy in the head on this. I dont know. Neither can I think of someone who I trust could help me clear my mind.
Monday, July 28, 2003
The good and the bad, but no time to record
Had a lovely weekend, which I wanted to write about.
But the week itself is going so horribly, that I dont have either the time or the inclination now to do so.
Hope the inclination returns by evening.
But the week itself is going so horribly, that I dont have either the time or the inclination now to do so.
Hope the inclination returns by evening.
Friday, July 25, 2003
Internal workings of the mind
Sejal - current flatmate - F,31
On the surface - well off, independent (tho fr a conservative family), loves to laugh, friendly, cheerful, good taste in aesthetics, passionate abt food,finicky abt cleanliness, well travelled, intelligent, wants like-minded people
Under the surface - senitive, romantic, scarred from a turbulent childhood, insecure abt herself- mentally n physically, on the verge of a terrible depression that wl take her over and make her a v bitter lady, if something drastically good doesnt happen soon (like finding a decent guy, instead of the ignorant assholes her parents keep forcing down her throat)
Eugene - v close for abt 6 months, and then slowly drifted away - M, 24
On the surface - smart alec, perceptive, intelligent, argumentative, cold, sharp sense of humor, typical MBA, all set to climb the corporate ladder
Under the surface - V sensitive, insecure, restless, big dreams, romantic - chucked up cool job to go to Tanzania (!!), where he;s selling cars, living a grt lifestyle with his girlfriend, and saving for another MBA fr London.
Whether it be long term relationships or short term friendships like these.....is it in my nature to be drawn to those who dont fit the mould, defy the stereotypes? Or do I fool myself - there ARE no stereotypes...I am just lucky(smart?) enuff to to dig a little and find the cores?
Doesnt really matter, either ways.
I love people - and I love immersing myself in people. It is often painful, but always, always enriching.
On the surface - well off, independent (tho fr a conservative family), loves to laugh, friendly, cheerful, good taste in aesthetics, passionate abt food,finicky abt cleanliness, well travelled, intelligent, wants like-minded people
Under the surface - senitive, romantic, scarred from a turbulent childhood, insecure abt herself- mentally n physically, on the verge of a terrible depression that wl take her over and make her a v bitter lady, if something drastically good doesnt happen soon (like finding a decent guy, instead of the ignorant assholes her parents keep forcing down her throat)
Eugene - v close for abt 6 months, and then slowly drifted away - M, 24
On the surface - smart alec, perceptive, intelligent, argumentative, cold, sharp sense of humor, typical MBA, all set to climb the corporate ladder
Under the surface - V sensitive, insecure, restless, big dreams, romantic - chucked up cool job to go to Tanzania (!!), where he;s selling cars, living a grt lifestyle with his girlfriend, and saving for another MBA fr London.
Whether it be long term relationships or short term friendships like these.....is it in my nature to be drawn to those who dont fit the mould, defy the stereotypes? Or do I fool myself - there ARE no stereotypes...I am just lucky(smart?) enuff to to dig a little and find the cores?
Doesnt really matter, either ways.
I love people - and I love immersing myself in people. It is often painful, but always, always enriching.
Thursday, July 24, 2003
headache
Have a headache that cld easily come into the 2003 top 10 category!
I know i am being too premature/alarmist/insecure/grumpy/ etc etc...but am seriously re thinking abt the sense of coming here.
am not thinking TOO much, coz whats done is done.
what i AM thinking abt it, whether i shd do something abt it, or try to float for some time...and then make a decision.
on one hand, looking out barely a month after joining sounds too much like quitting.
on the other hand, if i take this decision 3-6 months later, it sounds too half baked..i am neither here nor there.
which means i take a clear decision to either cry out for help now, or wait for a civilised year.
Am strongly tempted to do it NOW.
the headache, of course, is being pushy.
Wl blog tomorrow without the headache.
I know i am being too premature/alarmist/insecure/grumpy/ etc etc...but am seriously re thinking abt the sense of coming here.
am not thinking TOO much, coz whats done is done.
what i AM thinking abt it, whether i shd do something abt it, or try to float for some time...and then make a decision.
on one hand, looking out barely a month after joining sounds too much like quitting.
on the other hand, if i take this decision 3-6 months later, it sounds too half baked..i am neither here nor there.
which means i take a clear decision to either cry out for help now, or wait for a civilised year.
Am strongly tempted to do it NOW.
the headache, of course, is being pushy.
Wl blog tomorrow without the headache.
Wednesday, July 23, 2003
I get bugged so easily
Well, the weekend woes turned out to be true to anticipation (self fulfilling prophecy?) - it was exhausting...more than that, i didnt really relish the experience of cleaning the house, with madam making her critical comments as she herself cleaned the fans......i mean...what the fuck....when the maid hasnt come, and u hv to do the other stuff, y is cleaning the fans so bloody important right now? but no, it has to be done now. and on her timeline too...if i want to relax on a sunday morning and keep this for the afternoon....no siree...no can do....well, at least she had the grace to admit that she reminded herself of her mother...and then in the evening her comment "i told my friends u ran away for the day coz i nagged u"....defying my self destructively polite nature, i did not contradict her this time..hopefully this wl save me fr another weekend like this.
if that was ms. ajmera turning colors at home, worse was mr.girish turning into mr. sarcasm at office....WHY does he think I have no work? DO i have to constantly publicise the fact that I am working??? Sorry...to me that is as vulgar as showing off yr riches.....and if he thinks i am going to change some basic ethics I have to suit this environment, he;s got a rethink coming...i am not going to use 20 min to describe my activities when it can be done in 2 min...i am not going to keep making snide comments abt long working hours.....i firmly believe that no. of working hours have NOTHING to do with quality of work, and i dont see any reason here to change my beliefs, people like rinku and sameer notwithstanding.
and my basic panga is - if u have an issue with me, talk to me direct. sitting in a group with a sly smile on yr face, commenting "you seem to have some amount of time with you, y dont u take it up" is NOT my idea of a professional.
As this blog suggests, I am very particular abt what I like/dislike..what i want/dont want.
In fact, right now, a steaming cup of tea n some spicy pakoras wld be great...its raining outside...and Blr looks cool. Wish I had some good company though, today I am in the mood to crib!!!
Oh yes..just remembered another reason for me being so bugged..i have just discovered thart 15th August is NOT a holiday for us...and neither was 4 July, when my deal wasnt working...so WHEN does HR get a holiday? another sly smile fr mr.sarcasm "thats the way it goes"....and i was planning to take 14th and 15th aug off to visit home....everyone else has planned their activities around my anticipated visit.....i just hope that girish wl be decent abt it and i wont have to disappoint them/...creep.
if that was ms. ajmera turning colors at home, worse was mr.girish turning into mr. sarcasm at office....WHY does he think I have no work? DO i have to constantly publicise the fact that I am working??? Sorry...to me that is as vulgar as showing off yr riches.....and if he thinks i am going to change some basic ethics I have to suit this environment, he;s got a rethink coming...i am not going to use 20 min to describe my activities when it can be done in 2 min...i am not going to keep making snide comments abt long working hours.....i firmly believe that no. of working hours have NOTHING to do with quality of work, and i dont see any reason here to change my beliefs, people like rinku and sameer notwithstanding.
and my basic panga is - if u have an issue with me, talk to me direct. sitting in a group with a sly smile on yr face, commenting "you seem to have some amount of time with you, y dont u take it up" is NOT my idea of a professional.
As this blog suggests, I am very particular abt what I like/dislike..what i want/dont want.
In fact, right now, a steaming cup of tea n some spicy pakoras wld be great...its raining outside...and Blr looks cool. Wish I had some good company though, today I am in the mood to crib!!!
Oh yes..just remembered another reason for me being so bugged..i have just discovered thart 15th August is NOT a holiday for us...and neither was 4 July, when my deal wasnt working...so WHEN does HR get a holiday? another sly smile fr mr.sarcasm "thats the way it goes"....and i was planning to take 14th and 15th aug off to visit home....everyone else has planned their activities around my anticipated visit.....i just hope that girish wl be decent abt it and i wont have to disappoint them/...creep.
Friday, July 18, 2003
Morning music n weekend woes
what a corny title...but titles like this seem to abound in bookshelves nowdays as IWE become more n more fashonable.
Another thing that has been fashionable for some time is reverse snobbery, being proud of anything rural n looking down upon anything urban. I genuine;y find a glass of iced tea much more refreshing than a glass of "aam panna" freshly picked fr the trees. so sue me....does that make me an "urban snob". I wonder why every like/dislike has to have attached a judgement with it...why cant it just be? I like lassi more than iced tea.....i like blue more than earthy colours....i like socialising more than being alone.....i like non veg more than veg......our preference just IS. doesnt have to be good or bad.
I actually chatted with Sid for more than an hr today. How strange. But then chatting or even laughing with him has never been a problem. The problem is liking, of which there is none.
Office was so hectic for 2 and a half days....and then hardly done any work for the next 2 and a half days. I wonder if i am doing something wrong. How can everyone have so much work and me none? Is my natural laziness asserting itself? Scary. I hope I dont fall behind.
There...i used the word ...."fall behind" . Not I am self admittedly part of the "rat race". Shit.
A weekend coming up...lots of things to do, lots of people to meet.
I hope I am able to set up my room as I want to.
I hope I am able to set up my relationships as I want to.
I have not met a single decent looking girl in Acn who I cld get interested in. So a blank here too. Wl there ever be action on this front? I am beginning to seriously doubt it.
Another thing that has been fashionable for some time is reverse snobbery, being proud of anything rural n looking down upon anything urban. I genuine;y find a glass of iced tea much more refreshing than a glass of "aam panna" freshly picked fr the trees. so sue me....does that make me an "urban snob". I wonder why every like/dislike has to have attached a judgement with it...why cant it just be? I like lassi more than iced tea.....i like blue more than earthy colours....i like socialising more than being alone.....i like non veg more than veg......our preference just IS. doesnt have to be good or bad.
I actually chatted with Sid for more than an hr today. How strange. But then chatting or even laughing with him has never been a problem. The problem is liking, of which there is none.
Office was so hectic for 2 and a half days....and then hardly done any work for the next 2 and a half days. I wonder if i am doing something wrong. How can everyone have so much work and me none? Is my natural laziness asserting itself? Scary. I hope I dont fall behind.
There...i used the word ...."fall behind" . Not I am self admittedly part of the "rat race". Shit.
A weekend coming up...lots of things to do, lots of people to meet.
I hope I am able to set up my room as I want to.
I hope I am able to set up my relationships as I want to.
I have not met a single decent looking girl in Acn who I cld get interested in. So a blank here too. Wl there ever be action on this front? I am beginning to seriously doubt it.
Monday, July 14, 2003
Crazy weekend and some relief
Found acco...yay.
Finalised a place on Friday....all set to move in on Sunday...last minute call fr Sejal..her flatmate moving out....last minute changes - clarifications n apologies to landlord, waiting for flatmate to move out....moved in on Sunday evening....
and it was hot throughout the weekend!!! today, when i am indoors, its cool. The sun;s old enmity with me hasnt died down....
Its a nice place....small room, small cupboard (have to ask Sejal for xtra shelf space for clothes...)...there;s a lovely park just opposite the road....and next door, there;s an aerobics studio that blasts music at the ungodly hour of 6 30 a.m!!!!!!! i woke up with a start....today, it was my sheer exhaustion that allowed to me go back to sleep...what wl happen tomorrow onwards? i shudder.
cash flow has become easier because of this move...no deposit etc. thank god..this was a major tension in my mind for some time.
But..(why is there always a "but"?!)....i have yet to get full approval of her landlord who lives below....wl meet them today..hope they dont create problems.....
had martinis 2 evenings in a row...i had been so "thirsty"!
am rushing off to Cunnghm rd now...why is there always a tension knot in my stomach when i go there? creeps. me a moron too.
Finalised a place on Friday....all set to move in on Sunday...last minute call fr Sejal..her flatmate moving out....last minute changes - clarifications n apologies to landlord, waiting for flatmate to move out....moved in on Sunday evening....
and it was hot throughout the weekend!!! today, when i am indoors, its cool. The sun;s old enmity with me hasnt died down....
Its a nice place....small room, small cupboard (have to ask Sejal for xtra shelf space for clothes...)...there;s a lovely park just opposite the road....and next door, there;s an aerobics studio that blasts music at the ungodly hour of 6 30 a.m!!!!!!! i woke up with a start....today, it was my sheer exhaustion that allowed to me go back to sleep...what wl happen tomorrow onwards? i shudder.
cash flow has become easier because of this move...no deposit etc. thank god..this was a major tension in my mind for some time.
But..(why is there always a "but"?!)....i have yet to get full approval of her landlord who lives below....wl meet them today..hope they dont create problems.....
had martinis 2 evenings in a row...i had been so "thirsty"!
am rushing off to Cunnghm rd now...why is there always a tension knot in my stomach when i go there? creeps. me a moron too.
Wednesday, July 09, 2003
Irritants and learning and despondency and love
Its been some time since previous post...actually its just been 5 days, but feels like much more.
The irritants remain the same as they were last week....in fact, they hv increased in intensity causing further increase (imaginary) in BP etc...!
Am tied up, bored, restless, sleepy ...all at the same time.
Actually, its all a "learning experience"....as time goes by, its interesting to learn things abt oneself....i quite surprise myself sometimes. My first surprise was when i joined polaris, and realised that my inclination was to processes n systems, rather than designs n models as I had believed earlier.
Another surprise is when I am here, and realise that I value the "sense of ownership" in an Indian co., rather than the distanced, matter of fact approach of an MNC....a person being a decent character is as important to me as his level of competence as a professional.
Parish would have got married yesterday. Its such a strange feeling..to be so removed from the life of a person that you were once so involved with. I know I have mentioned this before, and I know I will mention this again, because this will keep happening - relationships will come and go, leaving me enriched n battered.
Nostalgia hit big time again 2 days ago, when a new video - shubha mudgal's kisson ki chadar - caught the eye.
I often project myself 20-30 years from now and think abt the kind of nostalgia I wl go thro then - the wealth of memories that I wl have to draw on - the roller coater ride my emotions will take me on.
This video was on a similar theme. Made me cry.
I sound like such a whiny sometimes!
Am still not feeling that settled in Acn. One, though I am an HR rep, the feeling of "being responsible" for people is not there...after all, how many can look after a bunch of 70 ppl?! tina is already there...and she;s sweet, but also a little wary of me, and i dont want to increase her wariness by being too assertive etc....otherwise, 2 prjs on my table...both interesting in theory but slightly irritation in action.
The exposure I am getting is excellent, no doubt...first hand understanding of sophisticated systems being used globally, a hard working;"achievement oriented" workforce with xcellent commn skills; being part of initiatives being set up fr scratch.
Hence, hv sternly told myself (i always have to talk to myself sternly, nobody else does so!) that i wont think too much...wl take it day by day and put in my best efforts...wl reevaluate after some time - kya paya, kya khoya....
I want to party too!! Just dance n drink a little n be with people I genuinely like....i repeat this statement every few months and it makes me sound like such a maladjusted person...! But I am not! I am quite sociable, and mix with different types of people....its just that there;s an inner me that often craves for things just perfect, just so.
that craving for perfection drives me, but doesnt spoil my present. ( or at least it doesnt most of the time..!)
I need....want (whatever!)...an ice cream. Shall have one today. Yippee.
The irritants remain the same as they were last week....in fact, they hv increased in intensity causing further increase (imaginary) in BP etc...!
Am tied up, bored, restless, sleepy ...all at the same time.
Actually, its all a "learning experience"....as time goes by, its interesting to learn things abt oneself....i quite surprise myself sometimes. My first surprise was when i joined polaris, and realised that my inclination was to processes n systems, rather than designs n models as I had believed earlier.
Another surprise is when I am here, and realise that I value the "sense of ownership" in an Indian co., rather than the distanced, matter of fact approach of an MNC....a person being a decent character is as important to me as his level of competence as a professional.
Parish would have got married yesterday. Its such a strange feeling..to be so removed from the life of a person that you were once so involved with. I know I have mentioned this before, and I know I will mention this again, because this will keep happening - relationships will come and go, leaving me enriched n battered.
Nostalgia hit big time again 2 days ago, when a new video - shubha mudgal's kisson ki chadar - caught the eye.
I often project myself 20-30 years from now and think abt the kind of nostalgia I wl go thro then - the wealth of memories that I wl have to draw on - the roller coater ride my emotions will take me on.
This video was on a similar theme. Made me cry.
I sound like such a whiny sometimes!
Am still not feeling that settled in Acn. One, though I am an HR rep, the feeling of "being responsible" for people is not there...after all, how many can look after a bunch of 70 ppl?! tina is already there...and she;s sweet, but also a little wary of me, and i dont want to increase her wariness by being too assertive etc....otherwise, 2 prjs on my table...both interesting in theory but slightly irritation in action.
The exposure I am getting is excellent, no doubt...first hand understanding of sophisticated systems being used globally, a hard working;"achievement oriented" workforce with xcellent commn skills; being part of initiatives being set up fr scratch.
Hence, hv sternly told myself (i always have to talk to myself sternly, nobody else does so!) that i wont think too much...wl take it day by day and put in my best efforts...wl reevaluate after some time - kya paya, kya khoya....
I want to party too!! Just dance n drink a little n be with people I genuinely like....i repeat this statement every few months and it makes me sound like such a maladjusted person...! But I am not! I am quite sociable, and mix with different types of people....its just that there;s an inner me that often craves for things just perfect, just so.
that craving for perfection drives me, but doesnt spoil my present. ( or at least it doesnt most of the time..!)
I need....want (whatever!)...an ice cream. Shall have one today. Yippee.
Friday, July 04, 2003
All fart, little shit
Everyone here keeps running around, muttering ominous sounding words like "calls" n meetings...everything is in the form of a "pitch"..u r illiterate until u master power point....(who cares abt xcel, thats just data)...they schedule meetings at 8 and 9 pm....and keep talking abt pizza lunches....
i do feel like a misfit here...!!!
i do feel like a misfit here...!!!
Thursday, July 03, 2003
Sore throat and Low morale
Why am i feeling so low?
I mean- there ARE irritants,....apprehensions of the new job n yr performance there, a bad cell connection, the nightmares of househunting, missing mummy a lot, missing gurgaon too.....
but then, i AM in Bangalore, a city i like ; i am with people i am close to and can rely on ; i am working with a brand name that wl increase value of my resume......
then why am i feeling so low?
maybe its more an "unsettled" feeling.....didnt get a comp till today morning....dont have an id card or a mail id yet.....hvmt made "real" friends in office yet.....uncertainty over house.....
maybe i'll be better next week.
I mean- there ARE irritants,....apprehensions of the new job n yr performance there, a bad cell connection, the nightmares of househunting, missing mummy a lot, missing gurgaon too.....
but then, i AM in Bangalore, a city i like ; i am with people i am close to and can rely on ; i am working with a brand name that wl increase value of my resume......
then why am i feeling so low?
maybe its more an "unsettled" feeling.....didnt get a comp till today morning....dont have an id card or a mail id yet.....hvmt made "real" friends in office yet.....uncertainty over house.....
maybe i'll be better next week.
About HR in Accenture :
4 days now, and what I can say is that its been an "interesting" experience.
The background :
They have ramped up 1500 people in Blr over the past 6 months. In between, they had a ramp up plan of 500/5 ..where they got 500 ppl in 5 weeks. The current headcount is abt 1500 in Blr (and abt 1000 in BBay)...the plan is to have 4000 ppl by Dec.....adding abt 200 a month to CRM and abt 150 a month to BPO ( and the rest to IT).
What is fascinating abt this place is that is a BIG (and BIG means 12 billion dollars revenue, 77000 ppl) and small ( India - 2500 ppl, growing rapidly) place at the same time., Hence, the pace and image of growth we saw in polaris is inverted here. An offer letter template is not in place, but the perf mgmt tool is. There;s a fabulous induction process, but the lotus notes id takes a week.
To help in the initial months, they brought in HR (mainly recruiters) ppl fr all around the world to chip in here, and set up things. The recruiting process, HR recruitment, perf mgmt tools, trng tools, etc have been set up and the expats are in the process of leaving over the next month.
Structure :
Currently, the HR is structure's like this..
each arm - IT (or IDC), BPO and CRM hv separate HR.
in addition, there is a "shared services" team, which is like corp hr..it has perf mgmt, comp n ben, recruitment processes, and pl note - HR capabilities ...all alloted to diff ppl.
BPO HR -
this is headed by Girish. and has 3 parts to it - (total ppl expected by 1 sep - 30)
1. shared services - where there r ppl working on policies, induction, emply commn, comp n ben, "HR for HR", processes etc (8)
2. Business HR - which is essentially HR reps for various deals.
Pl note : hr reps are part of the HR team, they hv dual responsibilities sometimes, but only one reporting- to girish. they dont even have dotted reporting to deal head.(8)
3. recruitment . - rect has a lot of emphasis - each rect team has people assigned to diff functions - sourcing, channel mgmt, candidate mgmt, transit coordinators, recruitment analyst, recruitment processes, executive search etc etc. seems to be working well till now.
and each of these arms wl hv "leads" who wl report to girish.
the current ratio of no. of hr ppl to total ppl is awful. but they r prepared for the days ahead. the hr teams shd be in place.
had the HR induction yest....15 HR ppl had joined across businesses....all these senior HR mgmt, i.e. the expats made prsns and shared the story so far and what is expected.
again, all roles are well mapped out...lines of responsibility well defined....but it has a unreal feeling abt it....as if some textbook is being read...can that textbook come alive? only time wl tell.
what one can certainly tell now, is that they are serious abt HR....and naturally hv high expectations...no HR person is xpected stay in more than one role for more than 15 months....either u move up or laterally, or go out. the message is v clear.
HRIS :
People in Polaris, count yr blessings that u arent HR rep in Acc....the HRIS here is sooo bad its diff to believe. Its designed by peoplesoft, captures half the relevant info in ugly visuals, and generates reports on which u hv to work for half n hr to get the info u want. that wld be ok if one says that its still in infant stage, and things wl be better once feedback goes.
where wl feedback go? it takes 3/4 months and innumerable meetings to get anything changed.
empower, where art thou?!!!
Me :
I am HR rep for a deal - it is an old BPO taken over by accenture recently. I hv to work with a lady who;s been here for 3 yrs. She;s not an mba, or a hot-shot HR exec, ...but v nice n pleasant. that makes a lot of diff to me.
The office - hmmm....for those in chennai, pl remember shakti towers..for those in delhi, pl remember nehru place.
goodbye, fancy lunches n coke n pizza meetings, dell flat screen comps n snazzy bathrooms.
well.....lets see how it turns out....in terms of environment, its definitely exciting...in terms of work, wl find out soon enough!!
4 days now, and what I can say is that its been an "interesting" experience.
The background :
They have ramped up 1500 people in Blr over the past 6 months. In between, they had a ramp up plan of 500/5 ..where they got 500 ppl in 5 weeks. The current headcount is abt 1500 in Blr (and abt 1000 in BBay)...the plan is to have 4000 ppl by Dec.....adding abt 200 a month to CRM and abt 150 a month to BPO ( and the rest to IT).
What is fascinating abt this place is that is a BIG (and BIG means 12 billion dollars revenue, 77000 ppl) and small ( India - 2500 ppl, growing rapidly) place at the same time., Hence, the pace and image of growth we saw in polaris is inverted here. An offer letter template is not in place, but the perf mgmt tool is. There;s a fabulous induction process, but the lotus notes id takes a week.
To help in the initial months, they brought in HR (mainly recruiters) ppl fr all around the world to chip in here, and set up things. The recruiting process, HR recruitment, perf mgmt tools, trng tools, etc have been set up and the expats are in the process of leaving over the next month.
Structure :
Currently, the HR is structure's like this..
each arm - IT (or IDC), BPO and CRM hv separate HR.
in addition, there is a "shared services" team, which is like corp hr..it has perf mgmt, comp n ben, recruitment processes, and pl note - HR capabilities ...all alloted to diff ppl.
BPO HR -
this is headed by Girish. and has 3 parts to it - (total ppl expected by 1 sep - 30)
1. shared services - where there r ppl working on policies, induction, emply commn, comp n ben, "HR for HR", processes etc (8)
2. Business HR - which is essentially HR reps for various deals.
Pl note : hr reps are part of the HR team, they hv dual responsibilities sometimes, but only one reporting- to girish. they dont even have dotted reporting to deal head.(8)
3. recruitment . - rect has a lot of emphasis - each rect team has people assigned to diff functions - sourcing, channel mgmt, candidate mgmt, transit coordinators, recruitment analyst, recruitment processes, executive search etc etc. seems to be working well till now.
and each of these arms wl hv "leads" who wl report to girish.
the current ratio of no. of hr ppl to total ppl is awful. but they r prepared for the days ahead. the hr teams shd be in place.
had the HR induction yest....15 HR ppl had joined across businesses....all these senior HR mgmt, i.e. the expats made prsns and shared the story so far and what is expected.
again, all roles are well mapped out...lines of responsibility well defined....but it has a unreal feeling abt it....as if some textbook is being read...can that textbook come alive? only time wl tell.
what one can certainly tell now, is that they are serious abt HR....and naturally hv high expectations...no HR person is xpected stay in more than one role for more than 15 months....either u move up or laterally, or go out. the message is v clear.
HRIS :
People in Polaris, count yr blessings that u arent HR rep in Acc....the HRIS here is sooo bad its diff to believe. Its designed by peoplesoft, captures half the relevant info in ugly visuals, and generates reports on which u hv to work for half n hr to get the info u want. that wld be ok if one says that its still in infant stage, and things wl be better once feedback goes.
where wl feedback go? it takes 3/4 months and innumerable meetings to get anything changed.
empower, where art thou?!!!
Me :
I am HR rep for a deal - it is an old BPO taken over by accenture recently. I hv to work with a lady who;s been here for 3 yrs. She;s not an mba, or a hot-shot HR exec, ...but v nice n pleasant. that makes a lot of diff to me.
The office - hmmm....for those in chennai, pl remember shakti towers..for those in delhi, pl remember nehru place.
goodbye, fancy lunches n coke n pizza meetings, dell flat screen comps n snazzy bathrooms.
well.....lets see how it turns out....in terms of environment, its definitely exciting...in terms of work, wl find out soon enough!!
Tuesday, July 01, 2003
Friday, June 27, 2003
Farewells and goodbyes. Charming gifts-some practical,some not, all thoughtful. Best wishes- some a formality, many genuine.
Fond memories, the uncomfortable ones forgotten. Some not-so-good people, many great people. I hope to remain in touch.
I cant turn my back and walk straight ahead. I keep looking back. It pains, but it enriches too.
No tears. Its raining outside - the sky cries because I cant.
Bye.
Fond memories, the uncomfortable ones forgotten. Some not-so-good people, many great people. I hope to remain in touch.
I cant turn my back and walk straight ahead. I keep looking back. It pains, but it enriches too.
No tears. Its raining outside - the sky cries because I cant.
Bye.
Wednesday, June 25, 2003
Am blogging at the end of a long, hard day..
Humbug!
Went out for nearly 2 hrs during the day..shopped n had ice cream.
But am actually going mad working n winding up at the same time.
But dont have time to think too much either- which is good.
Hv been going thro others' blogs (the regulars) yest.
Wish I cld know some of them.
People turn me ON. And I rarely find such people.
Wl blog in more detail tomorrow - I promise.
The problem is...I lie thinking in bed at night and often think to myself "hey...I shd record that in my blog".
and the next day, old man that i am, i forget.
Old man brings back memories of my grp that called me "thatha".
Though I am not too much of a grp person, I have really enjoyed the 2 grps I have been a part of - BBM, and MBA.
Sadly, neither lasted.
Me?
Them?
Cant universalise though, there are many that survive n thrive.
Humbug!
Went out for nearly 2 hrs during the day..shopped n had ice cream.
But am actually going mad working n winding up at the same time.
But dont have time to think too much either- which is good.
Hv been going thro others' blogs (the regulars) yest.
Wish I cld know some of them.
People turn me ON. And I rarely find such people.
Wl blog in more detail tomorrow - I promise.
The problem is...I lie thinking in bed at night and often think to myself "hey...I shd record that in my blog".
and the next day, old man that i am, i forget.
Old man brings back memories of my grp that called me "thatha".
Though I am not too much of a grp person, I have really enjoyed the 2 grps I have been a part of - BBM, and MBA.
Sadly, neither lasted.
Me?
Them?
Cant universalise though, there are many that survive n thrive.
Monday, June 23, 2003
Middle class weddings in the middle of summer.
V V V irritating.
The grotesque, sweating men and the badly painted, sweating women ; meaningless rituals followed half heartedly ; a confused DJ and an out of tune band ; forced smiles n garish decorations ; bouquets filled with flowers that cry for help ; lukewarm food and grey water.
Returning home at 1 with a headache.
Coming to office to do crappy things with crappy people.
Nightmare.
V V V irritating.
The grotesque, sweating men and the badly painted, sweating women ; meaningless rituals followed half heartedly ; a confused DJ and an out of tune band ; forced smiles n garish decorations ; bouquets filled with flowers that cry for help ; lukewarm food and grey water.
Returning home at 1 with a headache.
Coming to office to do crappy things with crappy people.
Nightmare.
Mixed feelings. the WORST to deal with.
I can (have) deal with tensions, difficulties, trauma etc etc. As long as one is able to pinpoint what one is feeling and accordingly react.
What happens when there are 2 bubbles.
One that is excited..looking forward...a little confident.
One that is sad....and a little guilty.
I cant bear to see pain on the faces of the people I love - I always claim that. Then how am I able to see mummy;s face? A pain that I know is being caused by me.
Worse, nostalgia is pulling me down. Flashes keep appearing - grandmother's terrace gorging on chocolate biscuits....a walk in Shimla.....the smiles on mummy;s face.....the tears....the talks at IMT....the midmorning tea with pekhna......and now a new chapter.
Its not going to be an easy week.
I can (have) deal with tensions, difficulties, trauma etc etc. As long as one is able to pinpoint what one is feeling and accordingly react.
What happens when there are 2 bubbles.
One that is excited..looking forward...a little confident.
One that is sad....and a little guilty.
I cant bear to see pain on the faces of the people I love - I always claim that. Then how am I able to see mummy;s face? A pain that I know is being caused by me.
Worse, nostalgia is pulling me down. Flashes keep appearing - grandmother's terrace gorging on chocolate biscuits....a walk in Shimla.....the smiles on mummy;s face.....the tears....the talks at IMT....the midmorning tea with pekhna......and now a new chapter.
Its not going to be an easy week.
Mixed feelings. the WORST to deal with.
I can (have) deal with tensions, difficulties, trauma etc etc. As long as one is able to pinpoint what one is feeling and accordingly react.
What happens when there are 2 bubbles.
One that is excited..looking forward...a little confident.
One that is sad....and a little guilty.
I cant bear to see pain on the faces of the people I love - I always claim that. Then how am I able to see mummy;s face? A pain that I know is being caused by me.
Worse, nostalgia is pulling me down. Flashes keep appearing - grandmother's terrace gorging on chocolate biscuits....a walk in Shimla.....the smiles on mummy;s face.....the tears....the talks at IMT....the midmorning tea with pekhna......and now a new chapter.
Its not going to be an easy week.
I can (have) deal with tensions, difficulties, trauma etc etc. As long as one is able to pinpoint what one is feeling and accordingly react.
What happens when there are 2 bubbles.
One that is excited..looking forward...a little confident.
One that is sad....and a little guilty.
I cant bear to see pain on the faces of the people I love - I always claim that. Then how am I able to see mummy;s face? A pain that I know is being caused by me.
Worse, nostalgia is pulling me down. Flashes keep appearing - grandmother's terrace gorging on chocolate biscuits....a walk in Shimla.....the smiles on mummy;s face.....the tears....the talks at IMT....the midmorning tea with pekhna......and now a new chapter.
Its not going to be an easy week.
Mixed feelings. the WORST to deal with.
I can (have) deal with tensions, difficulties, trauma etc etc. As long as one is able to pinpoint what one is feeling and accordingly react.
What happens when there are 2 bubbles.
One that is excited..looking forward...a little confident.
One that is sad....and a little guilty.
I cant bear to see pain on the faces of the people I love - I always claim that. Then how am I able to see mummy;s face? A pain that I know is being caused by me.
Worse, nostalgia is pulling me down. Flashes keep appearing - grandmother's terrace gorging on chocolate biscuits....a walk in Shimla.....the smiles on mummy;s face.....the tears....the talks at IMT....the midmorning tea with pekhna......and now a new chapter.
Its not going to be an easy week.
I can (have) deal with tensions, difficulties, trauma etc etc. As long as one is able to pinpoint what one is feeling and accordingly react.
What happens when there are 2 bubbles.
One that is excited..looking forward...a little confident.
One that is sad....and a little guilty.
I cant bear to see pain on the faces of the people I love - I always claim that. Then how am I able to see mummy;s face? A pain that I know is being caused by me.
Worse, nostalgia is pulling me down. Flashes keep appearing - grandmother's terrace gorging on chocolate biscuits....a walk in Shimla.....the smiles on mummy;s face.....the tears....the talks at IMT....the midmorning tea with pekhna......and now a new chapter.
Its not going to be an easy week.
Wednesday, June 18, 2003
Maughaum.
I have always loved Somerset Maughaum;s books - his writing is intelligent, compassionate, thought provoking, and has a strong narrative, peppered with humor.
Have just finished another one - the merry go around. While it is not so well written, it has its share of insightful, interesting quotes...
(describing a character)
"his deliberate placidity of expression masked a very emotional temperament. In this he recognised a weakness......He kept over himself unceasing watch, as though a dangerous prisoner were in his heart ever on the alert to break his chains. He felt himself the slave of a vivid imagination, and realised it stood against the enjoyment of life which is his philosophy told him was the only end of existence. Yet his passions were of the mind rather than of the body, and his spirit urged his flesh constantly to courses wherein it found nothing but disillusion."
(honest feedback/advice being given)
" Nowadays self sacrifice is a luxury which few have the strength to deny themselves ; people took to it when they left off sugar because it was fattening, and sacrifice themselves wantonly, however worthless the object. In fact, the object scarcely concerns them, they dont care how much harm they cause it as long as they can justify their own selfishness and cowardice".
(gentle conversation)
"People never realise that they have only one life, and mistakes are irreparable. They play with it as though it were a game of chess in which they could try this move and that, and when they get into a muddle, sweep the board clear and begin again.
But life is a game of chess in which one is always beaten. Death sits on the other side of the board, anf for every move he has a counter move"
(conversation on god and after life, bwn an atheist and a realist)
" A :How can a man lead his life uniformly if he is disturbed by the thought of another life to come?God is a force throwing man;s centre of gravity out of his own body
B : Man is a chess player with his definite number of pieces. With these rules, the wise man plays - not to win, for that is impossible, but to make a good fight for it. And if he is wise he will never forget that it is but a game, and therefore not to be taken too seriously.
(conv on truth)
"I think the most valuable thing I have learnt in my life is that there is so much to say on both sides of every question that there is little to choose between them. After all, how can i tell whether Truth has one shape or many?....My art and science is to live."
(stern advice to someone who;s confessions wl make someone else miserable)
"There are three good maxims in the conduct of life " never sin; but if u sin, never repent; and above all, if u repent, never, never confess"
(conv on death, bwn an atheist and a realist)
"After all, even if beliefs of men are childish and untrue, isnt it better to keep them? Surely superstition is a small price to pay for that wonderful support at the last hour, when all else fades to insignificance?
Most of us would give our very souls to believe. Of course we need it, and sometimes need it so intensely that we can hardly help praying to a God we know is not there"
(ref 2nd quote, the character went on with his self sacrifice and ended up causing death n misery)
"In this world we are made to act and think things because others have thought them good. For god's sake, let us be free. Let us do this and that because we want to and we must, not because other people think we ought.....Its because I tried to do my duty that all this misery came about. The world held up an ideal, and I thought they meant one to act up to it; it never occured to me that they would only sneer"
(dinner table conv)
"A common mistake with writers is to make their characters in moments of great emotion express themselves with good taste.....The utterance of violent passion is never artistic, but trite, ridiculous, vulgar and often silly"
(conv bwn 2 best friends)
" I have observed that whenever you're out of humour with yourself, you insult me"
I have always loved Somerset Maughaum;s books - his writing is intelligent, compassionate, thought provoking, and has a strong narrative, peppered with humor.
Have just finished another one - the merry go around. While it is not so well written, it has its share of insightful, interesting quotes...
(describing a character)
"his deliberate placidity of expression masked a very emotional temperament. In this he recognised a weakness......He kept over himself unceasing watch, as though a dangerous prisoner were in his heart ever on the alert to break his chains. He felt himself the slave of a vivid imagination, and realised it stood against the enjoyment of life which is his philosophy told him was the only end of existence. Yet his passions were of the mind rather than of the body, and his spirit urged his flesh constantly to courses wherein it found nothing but disillusion."
(honest feedback/advice being given)
" Nowadays self sacrifice is a luxury which few have the strength to deny themselves ; people took to it when they left off sugar because it was fattening, and sacrifice themselves wantonly, however worthless the object. In fact, the object scarcely concerns them, they dont care how much harm they cause it as long as they can justify their own selfishness and cowardice".
(gentle conversation)
"People never realise that they have only one life, and mistakes are irreparable. They play with it as though it were a game of chess in which they could try this move and that, and when they get into a muddle, sweep the board clear and begin again.
But life is a game of chess in which one is always beaten. Death sits on the other side of the board, anf for every move he has a counter move"
(conversation on god and after life, bwn an atheist and a realist)
" A :How can a man lead his life uniformly if he is disturbed by the thought of another life to come?God is a force throwing man;s centre of gravity out of his own body
B : Man is a chess player with his definite number of pieces. With these rules, the wise man plays - not to win, for that is impossible, but to make a good fight for it. And if he is wise he will never forget that it is but a game, and therefore not to be taken too seriously.
(conv on truth)
"I think the most valuable thing I have learnt in my life is that there is so much to say on both sides of every question that there is little to choose between them. After all, how can i tell whether Truth has one shape or many?....My art and science is to live."
(stern advice to someone who;s confessions wl make someone else miserable)
"There are three good maxims in the conduct of life " never sin; but if u sin, never repent; and above all, if u repent, never, never confess"
(conv on death, bwn an atheist and a realist)
"After all, even if beliefs of men are childish and untrue, isnt it better to keep them? Surely superstition is a small price to pay for that wonderful support at the last hour, when all else fades to insignificance?
Most of us would give our very souls to believe. Of course we need it, and sometimes need it so intensely that we can hardly help praying to a God we know is not there"
(ref 2nd quote, the character went on with his self sacrifice and ended up causing death n misery)
"In this world we are made to act and think things because others have thought them good. For god's sake, let us be free. Let us do this and that because we want to and we must, not because other people think we ought.....Its because I tried to do my duty that all this misery came about. The world held up an ideal, and I thought they meant one to act up to it; it never occured to me that they would only sneer"
(dinner table conv)
"A common mistake with writers is to make their characters in moments of great emotion express themselves with good taste.....The utterance of violent passion is never artistic, but trite, ridiculous, vulgar and often silly"
(conv bwn 2 best friends)
" I have observed that whenever you're out of humour with yourself, you insult me"
Pre monsoon showers, a "cooling off"..and it was time to let go of air conditioned environments and move out.
Met Shalini yest...first went to PVR anupam to buy loads of second hand books...didnt find ANY good books...still, bought abt 14 of them...realised later that i had picked 4 of Daphne du Maurier...do I like her books that much? hmmm...
Then to Dilli Haat...mecca..cldnt resist some shopping..got a smart black n white paper lantern...bamboo mats and holder...ate...hogged...chatted...talked....
As I once told Unni, "As i am sometimes amazed at man's capacity to raise himself and fight all battles (external n internal) and come out on top, i am sometimes depressingly surprised by man;s capacity to drive himself into the ground when he is determined to",
one of the best examples of the former that I have seen is Shalini.
Yest we were discussing a plot of land that she wants to buy into in Coorg, and develop it - first grow stuff that wl bring in money and then build a "back to the basics" weekend retreat there...lovely idea, and , considering circumstances, needs imagination and boldness and a positivity that amazes and delights me.
btw, also met Sidharth for lunch yest. We hogged and chatted, a pleasant chat. After months. And his office is 5 min fr mine. And we were once so close, I was the only one who he cld ever show his weak side to, and vice versa (which, I believe, is the test of strength of intimacy). Sad.
Shalini and Sidharth. Both in one day. Both so different. Both inducing such contrasting thoughts n feelings.
Met Shalini yest...first went to PVR anupam to buy loads of second hand books...didnt find ANY good books...still, bought abt 14 of them...realised later that i had picked 4 of Daphne du Maurier...do I like her books that much? hmmm...
Then to Dilli Haat...mecca..cldnt resist some shopping..got a smart black n white paper lantern...bamboo mats and holder...ate...hogged...chatted...talked....
As I once told Unni, "As i am sometimes amazed at man's capacity to raise himself and fight all battles (external n internal) and come out on top, i am sometimes depressingly surprised by man;s capacity to drive himself into the ground when he is determined to",
one of the best examples of the former that I have seen is Shalini.
Yest we were discussing a plot of land that she wants to buy into in Coorg, and develop it - first grow stuff that wl bring in money and then build a "back to the basics" weekend retreat there...lovely idea, and , considering circumstances, needs imagination and boldness and a positivity that amazes and delights me.
btw, also met Sidharth for lunch yest. We hogged and chatted, a pleasant chat. After months. And his office is 5 min fr mine. And we were once so close, I was the only one who he cld ever show his weak side to, and vice versa (which, I believe, is the test of strength of intimacy). Sad.
Shalini and Sidharth. Both in one day. Both so different. Both inducing such contrasting thoughts n feelings.
Pre monsoon showers, a "cooling off"..and it was time to let go of air conditioned environments and move out.
Met Shalini yest...first went to PVR anupam to buy loads of second hand books...didnt find ANY good books...still, bought abt 14 of them...realised later that i had picked 4 of Daphne du Maurier...do I like her books that much? hmmm...
Then to Dilli Haat...mecca..cldnt resist some shopping..got a smart black n white paper lantern...bamboo mats and holder...ate...hogged...chatted...talked....
As I once told Unni, "As i am sometimes amazed at man's capacity to raise himself and fight all battles (external n internal) and come out on top, i am sometimes depressingly surprised by man;s capacity to drive himself into the ground when he is determined to",
one of the best examples of the former that I have seen is Shalini.
Yest we were discussing a plot of land that she wants to buy into in Coorg, and develop it - first grow stuff that wl bring in money and then build a "back to the basics" weekend retreat there...lovely idea, and , considering circumstances, needs imagination and boldness and a positivity that amazes and delights me.
Met Shalini yest...first went to PVR anupam to buy loads of second hand books...didnt find ANY good books...still, bought abt 14 of them...realised later that i had picked 4 of Daphne du Maurier...do I like her books that much? hmmm...
Then to Dilli Haat...mecca..cldnt resist some shopping..got a smart black n white paper lantern...bamboo mats and holder...ate...hogged...chatted...talked....
As I once told Unni, "As i am sometimes amazed at man's capacity to raise himself and fight all battles (external n internal) and come out on top, i am sometimes depressingly surprised by man;s capacity to drive himself into the ground when he is determined to",
one of the best examples of the former that I have seen is Shalini.
Yest we were discussing a plot of land that she wants to buy into in Coorg, and develop it - first grow stuff that wl bring in money and then build a "back to the basics" weekend retreat there...lovely idea, and , considering circumstances, needs imagination and boldness and a positivity that amazes and delights me.
Tuesday, June 17, 2003
Back again.
Work doesnt seem to stop....2 weeks after handing in my regn, my relieving date has not been decided yet. all because a bitch cldnt handle negative feedback abt the co. and decided to become vindictive (why shd i say she decided? there was no choice, she IS like that)...and of course, all because I cldnt keep my mouth shut, because I tht that my policy of being open and giving feedback wl be appreciated by ppl like her. Dumb me, and Bitch her. explosive combo that has resulted in this mess.
Read abt this girl who had come to Del fr a small vilage, got hoodwinked n gangraped.
Another one- father n son got into a fight with truck drivers..the drivers ganged up and deliberately drove over the father (lying on the road) right in front of his son.
Such nightmarish stories appear every second day, and their regularity n frequency doesnt decrease the impact with which they hit me every single time. Just closing my eyes and putting myself in the place of the victims for a moment induces a depression n rage that, even if for a few moments, leaves me shaken. I shudder to think what these trauma victims go through in the context of harsh realities - corrupt, overworked police force ; social stigmas; absence of support systems; poverty.
News like this appears to tear apart the scenarios of progress n development that surround us. I have to remind myself that there is no question of what is reality/illusion. Both are a reality....gay groups fighting for change in penal code in Bombay ; caste wars in interiors of Bihar - a lower caste woman being forced to eat shit and parade naked, a high caste man getting slaughtered.
It is these contrasting realities that make this country so fascinating and rich. But when such news comes out, the romanticism is shredded. All that remains in my mind is the thought of the 16 year old girl, alone.
Work doesnt seem to stop....2 weeks after handing in my regn, my relieving date has not been decided yet. all because a bitch cldnt handle negative feedback abt the co. and decided to become vindictive (why shd i say she decided? there was no choice, she IS like that)...and of course, all because I cldnt keep my mouth shut, because I tht that my policy of being open and giving feedback wl be appreciated by ppl like her. Dumb me, and Bitch her. explosive combo that has resulted in this mess.
Read abt this girl who had come to Del fr a small vilage, got hoodwinked n gangraped.
Another one- father n son got into a fight with truck drivers..the drivers ganged up and deliberately drove over the father (lying on the road) right in front of his son.
Such nightmarish stories appear every second day, and their regularity n frequency doesnt decrease the impact with which they hit me every single time. Just closing my eyes and putting myself in the place of the victims for a moment induces a depression n rage that, even if for a few moments, leaves me shaken. I shudder to think what these trauma victims go through in the context of harsh realities - corrupt, overworked police force ; social stigmas; absence of support systems; poverty.
News like this appears to tear apart the scenarios of progress n development that surround us. I have to remind myself that there is no question of what is reality/illusion. Both are a reality....gay groups fighting for change in penal code in Bombay ; caste wars in interiors of Bihar - a lower caste woman being forced to eat shit and parade naked, a high caste man getting slaughtered.
It is these contrasting realities that make this country so fascinating and rich. But when such news comes out, the romanticism is shredded. All that remains in my mind is the thought of the 16 year old girl, alone.
Monday, June 16, 2003
Hvnt found time to blog all day.
and i am supposed to be on notice...supposedly "honeymoon" period.
bugger.
am reading Ken Follet's Dangerous Fortune (or something like that)...generally dont read kenfollet but the bookshop owner specially recommended.
and it IS so absorbing - its like a "Dyansty" set in the 19th century, without the allure of Joan Collins (yes, I, in all my adoloscent fantasy, adored her - replete with the 135kg make up!).
I hv realised I hv a real liking for "family dramas" which hv money n politics as background.....wld love to make an elegant, absorbing tele-series like that someday (with genuine designer wear, not glitzy cheap stuff!)
btw, had decent weekend....
i think i wl post tomorrow.
and i am supposed to be on notice...supposedly "honeymoon" period.
bugger.
am reading Ken Follet's Dangerous Fortune (or something like that)...generally dont read kenfollet but the bookshop owner specially recommended.
and it IS so absorbing - its like a "Dyansty" set in the 19th century, without the allure of Joan Collins (yes, I, in all my adoloscent fantasy, adored her - replete with the 135kg make up!).
I hv realised I hv a real liking for "family dramas" which hv money n politics as background.....wld love to make an elegant, absorbing tele-series like that someday (with genuine designer wear, not glitzy cheap stuff!)
btw, had decent weekend....
i think i wl post tomorrow.
Sunday, June 15, 2003
am irritated reading my prev post.
somehow my thoughts on the matter of "god being our purest, perfect core" didnt really come well on paper...i sound more like a teenage girl rehashing ideas which she came across in a prayer meeting.
am so bloody tied up today also. i am supposed to be handing over,yet the current batch of work (most of it crappy) doesnt seem to stop.
Again, I hv entered the bloody realm of uncertainty!! I hate it!!
somehow my thoughts on the matter of "god being our purest, perfect core" didnt really come well on paper...i sound more like a teenage girl rehashing ideas which she came across in a prayer meeting.
am so bloody tied up today also. i am supposed to be handing over,yet the current batch of work (most of it crappy) doesnt seem to stop.
Again, I hv entered the bloody realm of uncertainty!! I hate it!!
Friday, June 13, 2003
Recent posts on religion etc on Eric;s blog prompted me to remind myself what exactly is it that God means to me - after all, I believe in God, yet dont visit temples or participate in any rituals connected to (or supposed to be connected to) worship of Him.
Traced out this mail I had written some time ago to Meet where I had explored this -
I believe Love is God. God is Self. Love and God are both other names for purity and devotion, both found in our absolute Core. As we delve deep in ourselves (as we move along our path of mental and spiritual progress), we discover that Core, which we call God, and whose manifestation we call Love.
This often happens suddenly and instinctively too......a great piece of music, a vision of green valleys tinged with mist, the "high" in the middle of (not the end of) a great sexual experience, the holding of yr baby in yr arms, the sudden feeling that u and he/she are not separate but one. And sometimes it happens at the end of a loner time period.....the result of a massive creative effort, the survival of moments of trauma thro the power of sheer strength, the discovery of faith where we thought none existed, the touching selfless gesture of a stranger .....at all these moments, we "connect" with our core and suddenly discover ourselves. The instinctive statement "i hv attained nirvana" is not an idle claim. At such moments, we have understood the concepts of Love and God, the attendant heady feelings of delight, devotion and purity.
Thus, God and Love is all within ourself.....that purest core of our heart that is sculpted with perfection is the God that we worship, the outward manifestation of that core in our approach and behavior is Love. And the recognition of this is Faith.
Traced out this mail I had written some time ago to Meet where I had explored this -
I believe Love is God. God is Self. Love and God are both other names for purity and devotion, both found in our absolute Core. As we delve deep in ourselves (as we move along our path of mental and spiritual progress), we discover that Core, which we call God, and whose manifestation we call Love.
This often happens suddenly and instinctively too......a great piece of music, a vision of green valleys tinged with mist, the "high" in the middle of (not the end of) a great sexual experience, the holding of yr baby in yr arms, the sudden feeling that u and he/she are not separate but one. And sometimes it happens at the end of a loner time period.....the result of a massive creative effort, the survival of moments of trauma thro the power of sheer strength, the discovery of faith where we thought none existed, the touching selfless gesture of a stranger .....at all these moments, we "connect" with our core and suddenly discover ourselves. The instinctive statement "i hv attained nirvana" is not an idle claim. At such moments, we have understood the concepts of Love and God, the attendant heady feelings of delight, devotion and purity.
Thus, God and Love is all within ourself.....that purest core of our heart that is sculpted with perfection is the God that we worship, the outward manifestation of that core in our approach and behavior is Love. And the recognition of this is Faith.
Thursday, June 12, 2003
'The Wind and the Sea'
I stood by the shore at the death of day,
As the sun sank flaming red;
And the face of the waters that spread away
Was as gray as the face of the dead.
And I heard the cry of the wanton sea
And the moan of the wailing wind;
For love's sweet pain in his heart had he,
But the gray old sea had sinned.
The wind was young and the sea was old,
But their cries went up together;
The wind was warm and the sea was cold,
For age makes wintry weather.
So they cried aloud and they wept amain,
Till the sky grew dark to hear it;
And out of its folds crept the misty rain,
In its shroud, like a troubled spirit.
For the wind was wild with a hopeless love,
And the sea was sad at heart
At many a crime that he wot of,
Wherein he had played his part.
He thought of the gallant ships gone down
By the will of his wicked waves;
And he thought how the churchyard in the town
Held the sea-made widows' graves.
The wild wind thought of the love he had left
Afar in an Eastern land,
And he longed, as long the much bereft,
For the touch of her perfumed hand.
In his winding wail and his deep-heaved sigh
His aching grief found vent;
While the sea looked up at the bending sky
And murmured: "I repent."
But e'en as he spoke, a ship came by,
That bravely ploughed the main,
And a light came into the sea's green eye,
And his heart grew hard again.
Then he spoke to the wind: "Friend, seest thou not
Yon vessel is eastward bound?
Pray speed with it to the happy spot
Where thy loved one may be found."
And the wind rose up in a dear delight,
And after the good ship sped;
But the crafty sea by his wicked might
Kept the vessel ever ahead.
Till the wind grew fierce in his despair,
And white on the brow and lip.
He tore his garments and tore his hair,
And fell on the flying ship.
And the ship went down, for a rock was there,
And the sailless sea loomed black;
While burdened again with dole and care,
The wind came moaning back.
And still he moans from his bosom hot
Where his raging grief lies pent,
And ever when the ships come not,
The sea says: "I repent."
-- Paul Dunbar
Aish sent this poem today....thank god it was easier to understand than most of the modern stuff! ( I am not exactly a poetry-friendly person)
However, found this one extremely....ummmm....satisfying(yes, thats the word).
It was like having Death by Chocolate - cake, fudge, sauce, ice cream....pure, sinful pleasure where all senses are indulged.
This poem was one such indulgence - rich, dramatic, provoking both emotion n imagination.
I wish I cld hv recited this at a recital contest! Hopefully, somelike like Shalini wl do the honors
I stood by the shore at the death of day,
As the sun sank flaming red;
And the face of the waters that spread away
Was as gray as the face of the dead.
And I heard the cry of the wanton sea
And the moan of the wailing wind;
For love's sweet pain in his heart had he,
But the gray old sea had sinned.
The wind was young and the sea was old,
But their cries went up together;
The wind was warm and the sea was cold,
For age makes wintry weather.
So they cried aloud and they wept amain,
Till the sky grew dark to hear it;
And out of its folds crept the misty rain,
In its shroud, like a troubled spirit.
For the wind was wild with a hopeless love,
And the sea was sad at heart
At many a crime that he wot of,
Wherein he had played his part.
He thought of the gallant ships gone down
By the will of his wicked waves;
And he thought how the churchyard in the town
Held the sea-made widows' graves.
The wild wind thought of the love he had left
Afar in an Eastern land,
And he longed, as long the much bereft,
For the touch of her perfumed hand.
In his winding wail and his deep-heaved sigh
His aching grief found vent;
While the sea looked up at the bending sky
And murmured: "I repent."
But e'en as he spoke, a ship came by,
That bravely ploughed the main,
And a light came into the sea's green eye,
And his heart grew hard again.
Then he spoke to the wind: "Friend, seest thou not
Yon vessel is eastward bound?
Pray speed with it to the happy spot
Where thy loved one may be found."
And the wind rose up in a dear delight,
And after the good ship sped;
But the crafty sea by his wicked might
Kept the vessel ever ahead.
Till the wind grew fierce in his despair,
And white on the brow and lip.
He tore his garments and tore his hair,
And fell on the flying ship.
And the ship went down, for a rock was there,
And the sailless sea loomed black;
While burdened again with dole and care,
The wind came moaning back.
And still he moans from his bosom hot
Where his raging grief lies pent,
And ever when the ships come not,
The sea says: "I repent."
-- Paul Dunbar
Aish sent this poem today....thank god it was easier to understand than most of the modern stuff! ( I am not exactly a poetry-friendly person)
However, found this one extremely....ummmm....satisfying(yes, thats the word).
It was like having Death by Chocolate - cake, fudge, sauce, ice cream....pure, sinful pleasure where all senses are indulged.
This poem was one such indulgence - rich, dramatic, provoking both emotion n imagination.
I wish I cld hv recited this at a recital contest! Hopefully, somelike like Shalini wl do the honors
Came across this today on some site.....
ENVOI: WAKING AFTER SNOW
"When did we drift into each other's arms?
Snow, blue as morning, shakes down
in the branches, not a breath among them.
I can't tell if we're one body or two.
As soon as he's settled, the red bird puffs up
his whole heart to the cold. Don't move."
Just took my breath away, particularly the last 2 words.
Such sheer, hopeless romanticism increases my irritation at the plastic romance that seems to abound nowdays. Whether it be the "teen movies" or bestsellers, love is the second most abused word in the dictionary.
(the first being friends.....thats a diff story altogether)
Coming across such writings restores some of the romantic in the increasingly cynical ol' me!!
ENVOI: WAKING AFTER SNOW
"When did we drift into each other's arms?
Snow, blue as morning, shakes down
in the branches, not a breath among them.
I can't tell if we're one body or two.
As soon as he's settled, the red bird puffs up
his whole heart to the cold. Don't move."
Just took my breath away, particularly the last 2 words.
Such sheer, hopeless romanticism increases my irritation at the plastic romance that seems to abound nowdays. Whether it be the "teen movies" or bestsellers, love is the second most abused word in the dictionary.
(the first being friends.....thats a diff story altogether)
Coming across such writings restores some of the romantic in the increasingly cynical ol' me!!
Wednesday, June 11, 2003
Tuesday, June 10, 2003
Shefali sent snaps of her pregnant self yest-
it was nostalgia time once again.
I am breathless at the way time seems to rush past, making near strangers of once-intimately connected people....shef, shekhar, sidharth, ruchika, ashish, geeta, parish......all people with whom i used to have relationships that were "alive"....today they are all far away - literally/metaphorically.
Of course, in some cases there is the occasional "reconnection", like with shekhar.
With others, its all over.
And I remember, and feel, and think.
And suddenly I know I am wrong - what is over is the relationship, but the precious moments of those relationships are alive within me. To be relived, to be thought of with pain and pleasure.
This curiously satisfying, cathartic fusion of pain and pleasure through nostalgia - all the proponents of "I never look back, whats happened is over", do u know what u r missing out on???!!!!!
it was nostalgia time once again.
I am breathless at the way time seems to rush past, making near strangers of once-intimately connected people....shef, shekhar, sidharth, ruchika, ashish, geeta, parish......all people with whom i used to have relationships that were "alive"....today they are all far away - literally/metaphorically.
Of course, in some cases there is the occasional "reconnection", like with shekhar.
With others, its all over.
And I remember, and feel, and think.
And suddenly I know I am wrong - what is over is the relationship, but the precious moments of those relationships are alive within me. To be relived, to be thought of with pain and pleasure.
This curiously satisfying, cathartic fusion of pain and pleasure through nostalgia - all the proponents of "I never look back, whats happened is over", do u know what u r missing out on???!!!!!
Monday, June 09, 2003
Had a decent weekend.
Saturday- Delhi - heat, dust n humidity. I HATE SUMMERS!!!!
Met Dominic in the morning.....my "oldest" friend....most consistent. I am really v fond of him, though he tends to be scatterbrained and as a result, slightly thoughtless sometimes...but still, i remain consistently fond of him.
Spent a pleasant 2 hrs with him...he;s going to US for an onsite assignment again....hv asked him to get a nice camera for me. One of my biggest passions - photography, tho I dont care to develop it professionally at all.
Then, Priyanka (!) n Pekhna met me for lunch - Chinese at Lotus Pond....in Friends colony, where there are so many interesting places./...what a waste!
AND they came late.
Thank god for my habit of always carrying a book with me.
Then it was GK 1....3 of us roaming around in the sizzling heat, sucking on our "chuskis"!!! and finally, i didnt like any floaters (which was the ostensible purpose of the visit)
Then Shalini at Habitat Centre. LOVE the place....the look n the feel. After Dilli Haat (which btw, I know I am going to miss like CRAZY!), this is my fav place. Esp now that it has a food court called Eatopia...decent, cheerful place.
Came back exhausted and as usual, laden with goodies - pastries, kathi rolls etc.
Had a quiet Sunday at home....actually slept in the afternoon......thank god for the AC...
no movies....nothing worth going out for....hate that. I need minimum 2 movie outings/week.
this weekend Matrix reloaded is finally releasing.I am tired of reading reviews n comments.
Saturday- Delhi - heat, dust n humidity. I HATE SUMMERS!!!!
Met Dominic in the morning.....my "oldest" friend....most consistent. I am really v fond of him, though he tends to be scatterbrained and as a result, slightly thoughtless sometimes...but still, i remain consistently fond of him.
Spent a pleasant 2 hrs with him...he;s going to US for an onsite assignment again....hv asked him to get a nice camera for me. One of my biggest passions - photography, tho I dont care to develop it professionally at all.
Then, Priyanka (!) n Pekhna met me for lunch - Chinese at Lotus Pond....in Friends colony, where there are so many interesting places./...what a waste!
AND they came late.
Thank god for my habit of always carrying a book with me.
Then it was GK 1....3 of us roaming around in the sizzling heat, sucking on our "chuskis"!!! and finally, i didnt like any floaters (which was the ostensible purpose of the visit)
Then Shalini at Habitat Centre. LOVE the place....the look n the feel. After Dilli Haat (which btw, I know I am going to miss like CRAZY!), this is my fav place. Esp now that it has a food court called Eatopia...decent, cheerful place.
Came back exhausted and as usual, laden with goodies - pastries, kathi rolls etc.
Had a quiet Sunday at home....actually slept in the afternoon......thank god for the AC...
no movies....nothing worth going out for....hate that. I need minimum 2 movie outings/week.
this weekend Matrix reloaded is finally releasing.I am tired of reading reviews n comments.
Thursday, June 05, 2003
MTV's one tight slap is the BEST concept over.
My personal list - One tight slap to....
- Qualis/Sumo road maniacs who are ready to bump/maim/kill anyone n everyone.
- self appointed custodians of the "great indian culture" - esp sari-clad auntijis who play dirty politics and take out their frustrations by bitching abt young girls' "character"
- BTMs (bhaisaab turned mods) who adopt modernity in every way (clothes, talk, walk, studies) except in their attitude towards women.
- frustrated, lazy secys who use reflected power off their bosses to pretend they are the boss
- govt employees - esp in electricity n telephone boards - whiny, corrupted, lazy, apathetic weasels.
....many more, this list wl remain open for regular additions!
My personal list - One tight slap to....
- Qualis/Sumo road maniacs who are ready to bump/maim/kill anyone n everyone.
- self appointed custodians of the "great indian culture" - esp sari-clad auntijis who play dirty politics and take out their frustrations by bitching abt young girls' "character"
- BTMs (bhaisaab turned mods) who adopt modernity in every way (clothes, talk, walk, studies) except in their attitude towards women.
- frustrated, lazy secys who use reflected power off their bosses to pretend they are the boss
- govt employees - esp in electricity n telephone boards - whiny, corrupted, lazy, apathetic weasels.
....many more, this list wl remain open for regular additions!
Am bored. And its so damn hot outside, else I wld hv gone out...SOMEWHERE.
Going away fr delhi wont be easy. or rather, Gurgaon.
Hv grown to like this place.....most of the things i want are all within 15 min - restaurants, pubs, malls, multiplexes.....most of the things, except friends...people I can connect with. Thats in Blr.
And if i go there n discover that D is going onsite, wl kill him!!!!
dont want to do any work. just want to get away fr here. what purpose wl these people achieve by making an unhappy person stay against his will just to serve the notice period...??doesnt make any sense, not even business sense. No wonder this locn is stagnating. morons.
i want to have ice cream (i am an icecreamoholic). and i have , just HAVE to lose weight and get in shape. i am sure ice cream wl win. it always does. why cant they have no-fat, 1-calorie ice cream? morons too.
everybody;s a moron. i am the sole wise one. yay.
crap.
Going away fr delhi wont be easy. or rather, Gurgaon.
Hv grown to like this place.....most of the things i want are all within 15 min - restaurants, pubs, malls, multiplexes.....most of the things, except friends...people I can connect with. Thats in Blr.
And if i go there n discover that D is going onsite, wl kill him!!!!
dont want to do any work. just want to get away fr here. what purpose wl these people achieve by making an unhappy person stay against his will just to serve the notice period...??doesnt make any sense, not even business sense. No wonder this locn is stagnating. morons.
i want to have ice cream (i am an icecreamoholic). and i have , just HAVE to lose weight and get in shape. i am sure ice cream wl win. it always does. why cant they have no-fat, 1-calorie ice cream? morons too.
everybody;s a moron. i am the sole wise one. yay.
crap.
Wednesday, June 04, 2003
Just had a long discussion with my SEC head, Aruna K.
She starts, "what?"
Me : "I would like to put in my papers. I have a good opp, i think its time i move on"
she :"but why?"
and then, my biggest mistake - i told her.
I, being diplomatic at the same time, tried discussing the environment with her, what I felt was wrong, why it is not conducive to my growth, and why I did not find it useful to discuss this with anyone before. This took 5 min.
The next 40 min she spoke. Her evaluation :
- I am immature, ignorant, presumptuous, arrogant
- I am not a professional. I have cheated my family, by getting an MBA degree, because I lack perspective.
- I dont know how to deal with complexity and challenges. I dont have any skills to analyse the environment.
- I need counselling, which she;s trying to give. More than that, I need therapy sessions with a psychiatrist.
- I am an armchair critic who has no understanding of complexity, and cant appreciate the greatness of this orgn.
- I can only fit into a public sector, bureaucratic orgn where everything is handed to me on a silver platter, where I do personnel work and dont hv to take any decisions or initiatives.
- I think everyone is useless, all of us (the mgmt) are a bunch of jokers and idiots.
and etc etc etc.
At the end of it, the most priceless of statements- "No individual has a right to pass a judgement on another individual. I dont know you, I cant judge you".
Imagine!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Well, my reaction:
During her tirade, I refused to be bowed down, and kept interjecting my comments, which inflamed her more.
Finally I shut up and took the diplomatic middle stand of "maybe my perspective needs to change, I need additional exposure to appreciate the environment" etc etc.
She cooled down then and proceeded to spend the next 20 min on general gyan and on how great Polaris is.
What a BITCH!!!!!!!!!I mean,I cld hv dealt with -
- she getting pissed off that I didnt even speak to her before deciding(even tho i dont report to her) and being indifferent and curt.
- she giving me a genuine feedback on how maybe it is my perspective that needs changing etc.
ha!
instead she proceeds to spew a 1000 litres of smug, defensive, humiliating, judgemental venom. My fault anyways. I know how she is, I dont know why I thought I cld have a decent discussion with her.
One of the worst, useless 90 mins of my life.
God knows whats going to happen to my relieving etc. No one willing to take responsibility....jab kaam dena hai, sab boss. jab kaam karna hai, koi boss nahin. creeps all.
She starts, "what?"
Me : "I would like to put in my papers. I have a good opp, i think its time i move on"
she :"but why?"
and then, my biggest mistake - i told her.
I, being diplomatic at the same time, tried discussing the environment with her, what I felt was wrong, why it is not conducive to my growth, and why I did not find it useful to discuss this with anyone before. This took 5 min.
The next 40 min she spoke. Her evaluation :
- I am immature, ignorant, presumptuous, arrogant
- I am not a professional. I have cheated my family, by getting an MBA degree, because I lack perspective.
- I dont know how to deal with complexity and challenges. I dont have any skills to analyse the environment.
- I need counselling, which she;s trying to give. More than that, I need therapy sessions with a psychiatrist.
- I am an armchair critic who has no understanding of complexity, and cant appreciate the greatness of this orgn.
- I can only fit into a public sector, bureaucratic orgn where everything is handed to me on a silver platter, where I do personnel work and dont hv to take any decisions or initiatives.
- I think everyone is useless, all of us (the mgmt) are a bunch of jokers and idiots.
and etc etc etc.
At the end of it, the most priceless of statements- "No individual has a right to pass a judgement on another individual. I dont know you, I cant judge you".
Imagine!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Well, my reaction:
During her tirade, I refused to be bowed down, and kept interjecting my comments, which inflamed her more.
Finally I shut up and took the diplomatic middle stand of "maybe my perspective needs to change, I need additional exposure to appreciate the environment" etc etc.
She cooled down then and proceeded to spend the next 20 min on general gyan and on how great Polaris is.
What a BITCH!!!!!!!!!I mean,I cld hv dealt with -
- she getting pissed off that I didnt even speak to her before deciding(even tho i dont report to her) and being indifferent and curt.
- she giving me a genuine feedback on how maybe it is my perspective that needs changing etc.
ha!
instead she proceeds to spew a 1000 litres of smug, defensive, humiliating, judgemental venom. My fault anyways. I know how she is, I dont know why I thought I cld have a decent discussion with her.
One of the worst, useless 90 mins of my life.
God knows whats going to happen to my relieving etc. No one willing to take responsibility....jab kaam dena hai, sab boss. jab kaam karna hai, koi boss nahin. creeps all.
Tuesday, June 03, 2003
Came across this line in another blog :
"It is easy, with time, to forgive those who hurt you.
It is much harder, I think, to forgive those who make you hurt them"
Its so so true.
Its the worst feeling in the world - hurting someone u care
for...deliberately,slowly...so that more than the other, it causes pain to u.
why should i hurt someone i love? its that part of romanticism which is the darkest and fascinating
- when u want to get a reaction. when you want to know that u matter to the other......("love to see u cry" by enrique. horrible song, tho)
- when u have been thro so much pain, that u want the other to feel even a part of it, to be able to say "now u know how i felt" (this happens often, but in small measure)
and many other situations.
The height of the dark side of love is reached when u want to punish yrself for being so foolishly, madly, irretrievably in love with the other.
And the best way to punish someone is to cause pain to the one they love.
Skewed, right? yes, it is. and thats why, when this happens, it destroys u.
and thats y u hate the person who made you hurt him.
"It is easy, with time, to forgive those who hurt you.
It is much harder, I think, to forgive those who make you hurt them"
Its so so true.
Its the worst feeling in the world - hurting someone u care
for...deliberately,slowly...so that more than the other, it causes pain to u.
why should i hurt someone i love? its that part of romanticism which is the darkest and fascinating
- when u want to get a reaction. when you want to know that u matter to the other......("love to see u cry" by enrique. horrible song, tho)
- when u have been thro so much pain, that u want the other to feel even a part of it, to be able to say "now u know how i felt" (this happens often, but in small measure)
and many other situations.
The height of the dark side of love is reached when u want to punish yrself for being so foolishly, madly, irretrievably in love with the other.
And the best way to punish someone is to cause pain to the one they love.
Skewed, right? yes, it is. and thats why, when this happens, it destroys u.
and thats y u hate the person who made you hurt him.
Monday, June 02, 2003
I HATE a state of uncertainty. After "unavoidable" delays, this is one of my most irrational peeves. Irrational coz sometimes things DO hang in limbo....sometimes there ARE unavoidable delays.
At such times, I want to rock the earth and shake the heavens. And since I am but a mere, miniscule, insignificant lil mortal, I just have to internalise it and watch my BP shoot for no one's fault but my own.
Bugger.
At such times, I want to rock the earth and shake the heavens. And since I am but a mere, miniscule, insignificant lil mortal, I just have to internalise it and watch my BP shoot for no one's fault but my own.
Bugger.
Friday, May 30, 2003
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