Pause. Sink. Rewind. Move. Up.

Thats the routine, isn't it. After the whirlwind of the past few weeks, I get some time to myself. An unwelcome sms switches me off. I have made some attempts recently to re-invigorate myself, get some new blood into my life. Didn't really work. Now the past comes back. As its wont to do when the body is weary and the mind is weird. And I wonder whether it's really that sensible to stay at home, relax and watch a movie. Or shall I just go to some place that has people, lights, music; inject some alcohol, push the thoughts way and come back and collapse into bed. For yet another tomorrow. When I shall be drag myself up and move on. With a smile.

Anti social

I resisted Orkut for 2 years. Finally gave it just when it started to decline. Liked it reasonably well, used it to an extent. Started getting bored. Then they said "move to fb", you are so passe. I said no, I cant keep moving, I am not that interested in making so many "friend" anyway. Finally moved. The spectre of PR kept haunting me for several years. Many, including DB, insisted I should join, just for having fun. I mistook the word "fun". I joined two weeks and am hooked for now, it's like a bizarre twilight zone. I wonder when I will get bored...maybe in a couple of months. Sigh. What next guys?

Deja vu or full circle?

Having just sobbed my heart out, I wonder if this is a repeat of what happened 3 years ago or has life come round to where it started, a sort of cosmic joke on me.

All I know is that I have to make a way of living with this pain for some time until it ebbs into an occasional ache. I just have to keep reminding myself that this is temporary....when I have suffered much, much more and managed to survive well, this is ok, manageable. I think.

I guess part of it is just ambiguity.

Sigh. Cant even go out and enjoy a good meal or get drunk. Have to eat papaya, remain alert and go through this.

Where am I?

Its been more than 7 months since I last wrote here, the longest gap ever. Where am I??? It's not as if there hasn't been plenty to write about...if nothing else, the constant presence of change in my life provides many amusing, heart wrenching and irritating moments! So why not??

I dont know, to be honest. And instead of trying to figure out, I would rather devote my energy to re-starting this practice soon. As I figure that out, this is just a placeholder :) a reminder that I am going to be here soon, doing what most good bloggers do - hyperventilating and pontificating.

In continuation - Bobo at 18 months...

As I sit in my bedroom, I can hear the “mewing-like" noises Aarav is making outside. I can actually picture him doing so, crinkling up his button nose a bit and shutting half his eyes. The mewing noise is used for a variety of purposes, from animal sounds to car horns. Immediately after this, the expected “hoo” takes over, usually delivered with wide eyes and a finger pointing at either an object he seeks more explanation for or evidence of mischief he’s just conducted. In fact, though he’s mastered a smattering of words, communication between him and the world largely consists of such primitive sounds delivered with a wide range of tones and accompanied by an even-wider range of expressions. This communication is restricted to his “insider” gang though…for most of the world outside, he attempts to strike a more enigmatic figure – steadily walking (or pushing his toy car along) with a quiet determination to get somewhere, occasionally pausing to observe or pick up an object of interest, and greeting unsolicited companions with a cool stare and sometimes a shy smile before turning away and proceeding on his way. The contrast in personality with the baby we see giggling away at home is quite stark, especially when the giggles turn into fits of laughter at his mother’s antics , and he finally tumbles off the bed.

I have often been told that all babies are alike (and by implication, I shouldn’t get so excited by this little one’s antics). But there are times when we question that, and actually reject it – when he sees a baby or a dog, gets overcome by emotion and hugs you; when he starts dancing every time he hears music he likes, whether it be in a restaurant or the drawing room or a crowded engagement party; when he clearly observes what you are wearing and beams his appreciation sometimes; when he rejects everything sweet you give him and relishes onions and similar food items; when he resists any attempt at medical examinations and reacts with a ferocity that stuns the most experienced of doctors…

At such times, one wonders at the beauty of nature that created a full, unique specimen amongst billions of others. A specimen with his own specific looks and personality and behaviors and likes and dislikes. A specimen that easily gets used to being adored by every eye that lays eyes on it and yet in a way remains uncorrupted by it until a much-later stage. A 3 feet tall, one-and-a-half year old, 12 kilo heavy dynamo of a person who has the power to control all activity and emotion around him by just a flick of his finger or a lift of the eyebrow. Love, anger, irritation, humor, protectiveness, frustration, anxiety, calm – in a space of a day, Bobo’s companionship can take acquaint you with all these and more.

How will us willing slaves be treated in the future, I wonder? That remains to be seen. Right now, he’s tapping on the door, demanding the attention that’s rightfully is, along with the antics and the giggles.

Inner tension

Suddenly, there's this tight knot in my stomach.

Not entirely unexpected though...there was several indications over the last few months that this was coming. Silences/arguments with DB; irritation with friends; discussions over Anjan's predicament; searching for houses and being price sensitive; repeated calculations on excel on how to squeeze the max out of my salary; Dolly's face, pinched and white due to pain...yes, there were many indications that this time was coming.

Now that it's here, it's here. I am not that unused to it anyway. And this time, the secret weapon in my arsenal is Aarav...declogs my arteries and reduces the speed of blood! Work has also gone into hectic mode. So as I deal with the terrible trio of health, finances, relationships, I keep myself busy and occupied. The impact shows on the hair on my pillow each morning, but that's ok, I can live with that.