This has been an eventful month, though it may not appear to be. At the surface, I am working normal, regular hours…my next role change is awaited and I have taken up some projects meanwhile…the weather is delightfully pleasant…home front is stable…my finances are irregular…my going-out has come down…and so does the simple story continue.
Yet, so much has changed in the past month that I don’t know where to begin. I can start at the most obvious aspect – work. I continue to be surrounded by ambiguity and continue functioning in a consultant mode; I don’t particularly like either but force myself to get used to, because I am developing skills which I didn’t even existed within me. The RMG assignment is much tougher than my Manila one because it requires an equal degree of micro level work and macro level analysis from me, not to mention that its supposed to occupy only 50% of my time, and hence I need to keep thinking of and going back to my “HR” projects, pretty much landing myself in a tizzy!
Its becoming increasingly difficult though to pinpoint exactly where I stand. Feedback is now not just a function of what I am and how I am perceived, but variables such as how people want me to think I am being perceived, what people want me to do etc. also play a role. My deliverables are no longer limited to achieving certain objectives but now include areas like “influencing”. In the midst of this, my knowledge of HR concepts remains static and I am pretty sure that will catch up with me somewhere along the way.
For the first time too, I have put into practice what I have always believed and stood by – that people are not always driven by promotions and monetary growth, which become hygiene factors after a certain while in your career. I have consciously refused to take steps that would have ensured my promotion in a few months and instead taken decisions that may delay my vertical movement but will help me to explore new skills and areas. Considering that these other decisions are also in the BPO ambit (RMG project – business; DCN role – global), I guess I continue following my trend of experimenting within the framework…risk a little, gain a little.
On a side note, will I ever be a risk taker? And hence stand to “gain a lot”? hmmm…
Anyway, the pace of self discovery at work is matched by my personal life too. I am now getting scared of DB’s presence in my life. Somewhere along the way, the sense of madness and wonder got replaced by a feeling of being comfortable and completed, something that I cherish much much more than anything else. My feeling – attachment? involvement? submission? fusion? – scares me, especially because it’s unconscious. One thing I haven’t been able to change about myself (am not sure if I want to either) is that I can’t live wholly in the present. My judgment on the present is always in the context of the past and more importantly, the future. And thus, while I love today, I cannot find myself happy, because my mind keeps wandering to the “when…”, “what if…” questions.
I guess this is the reason why there is inherent instability in the DNA of all such relationships. It’s because these relationships are dictated by individual feelings and changes; lack the support of a socially approved or visible structure and framework; and are conducted within a community that is articulate but invisible, present but secret, progressive but duplicitous. Each person seems to be torn in two different directions…and one is human after all…the most “convenient” direction is the one we ultimately end up taking, never mind the compromise on character, or fulfillment or integrity.
I don’t think it is a coincidence that Mum (and Dolly and Anjan) finally asked, acknowledged and to a certain extent, accepted my inclinations. I have been pushing the envelope in every sphere of my life, and it had to happen here sooner or later. It’s just that the timing wasn’t the best, I would liked to be there in person to talk, discuss, guide, reassure and maybe even plead for forgiveness. Because, no matter how loving or supportive they have been, I cannot rid myself of this tremendous guilt that I have lied, that I have proved myself unworthy of the complete trust my loved ones have placed in me all their lives. Yes, there are logical explanations and no one is pointing fingers, but that doesn’t take away the fact that, for all my moral grandstanding about lies/dishonesty in others’ lives, I have conducted mine with a high degree of duplicity.
So tonight while I sit in familiar settings – my drawing room, eleven thirty on a Sunday night, listening to the soothing whispering of the trees – I am confronted by unfamiliar tableaux at all levels – my skills, my feelings, my character. This, in summary, is the story of 2007 so far.