> Move house (already in progress, to be done in Aug)
> Start going as guest/visiting faculty for BBA/MBA classes somewhere (effort started....fingers crossed)
> Instal an SIP (I actually know what this means. I also know the rates/sq feet for flats in different parts of the city. God help me....soon I will be talking about engines of cars and tax deduction policies. Sigh)
> Get sanity back into my life
In the middle of this chaotic, muddy world, I create a small space where I hope inspite of everything....basically, i blabber on all and sundry and hope that somewhere i contribute something. To myself, at least.
Wednesday, July 16, 2008
Monday, July 07, 2008
Less than myself
I have been meaning to sit down and blog for several days now. The trigger each day is different.
A few days ago I returned from my Hyd trip, and what an amazing break it was. D and I did exactly what we love to do - a road trip and many movies (on separate days of course!). I do so want to record the details of those days...the long drives on mostly good roads, the monuments and ruins with interesting histories, the villages and the intermingling of cultures and the eager children who would run after us and show us around, the usually bad food punctuated by surprising authentic Punjabi and Rajasthani meals, the movie marathon, the laziness...all of it.
And then, in direct contrast, there's L. A sudden absence in my life, future unknown. I want to explore my reaction to this - the thoughts and the emotions and the roots of that emotion. I want to explore the issue as well as the trigger and figure out if I can make sense.
The thought of the near future occupies my days - the prospective travel, the shifting, the purchases, the expenses, the possibilities, the risks, the settling down....how am I going to pull this all together?? I want to think that through.
If my future occupies my day thoughts, the sub conscious is most certainly reserved for family. I know the pressure and near-depression that Dolly's going through; I know the sense of pressure & frustration that Anjan would be feeling; I know how helpless and sad Mummy would be. All of us want the same thing; we also know that the right things happen at the right time and so we should not get down...yet it still rankles, the uncertainty irritates and upsets and in the meanwhile, you keep calculating the days/weeks until your next meeting.
In the meanwhile, work goes from 0 to 0.5 in the indifference index. Things hang in limbo...there's a little more clarity but not much action. I am not getting what I wanted from this role...yet am unable to give it up because of what it has given. How silly is that...and how contradictory to my normal style of functioning.
And that, of course, brings me to that eternal question - have I compromised on myself? Have I traded in for someone lesser? Or have I just been fooling others all this while? This me - the irritable, snappy me - is it really me???
What's cause, what's effect? What role does DB play here? Is he the victim of my troubled soul or a contributor to it or probably both? Even if both, is it his fault? Unintentionally, yes. Intentionally, no. So, by the logic of my usually just and controllable mind, he shouldn't be at the receiving end. But he is. And that hurts me as much as it does him.
So well...these are the things that flow through the mind as I eat, sleep, gym, work, drive etc. etc. The only time I am a little at peace is when I am absorbed in a good book or movie - what a blessing they are!
Ideally this blog should have been a full fledged exploration...this listing is something I do daily in my mind, so it's not really helpful. But maybe someday later, it will remind me of myself in a weak moment, a mirror to a point in time when I felt less than myself.
A few days ago I returned from my Hyd trip, and what an amazing break it was. D and I did exactly what we love to do - a road trip and many movies (on separate days of course!). I do so want to record the details of those days...the long drives on mostly good roads, the monuments and ruins with interesting histories, the villages and the intermingling of cultures and the eager children who would run after us and show us around, the usually bad food punctuated by surprising authentic Punjabi and Rajasthani meals, the movie marathon, the laziness...all of it.
And then, in direct contrast, there's L. A sudden absence in my life, future unknown. I want to explore my reaction to this - the thoughts and the emotions and the roots of that emotion. I want to explore the issue as well as the trigger and figure out if I can make sense.
The thought of the near future occupies my days - the prospective travel, the shifting, the purchases, the expenses, the possibilities, the risks, the settling down....how am I going to pull this all together?? I want to think that through.
If my future occupies my day thoughts, the sub conscious is most certainly reserved for family. I know the pressure and near-depression that Dolly's going through; I know the sense of pressure & frustration that Anjan would be feeling; I know how helpless and sad Mummy would be. All of us want the same thing; we also know that the right things happen at the right time and so we should not get down...yet it still rankles, the uncertainty irritates and upsets and in the meanwhile, you keep calculating the days/weeks until your next meeting.
In the meanwhile, work goes from 0 to 0.5 in the indifference index. Things hang in limbo...there's a little more clarity but not much action. I am not getting what I wanted from this role...yet am unable to give it up because of what it has given. How silly is that...and how contradictory to my normal style of functioning.
And that, of course, brings me to that eternal question - have I compromised on myself? Have I traded in for someone lesser? Or have I just been fooling others all this while? This me - the irritable, snappy me - is it really me???
What's cause, what's effect? What role does DB play here? Is he the victim of my troubled soul or a contributor to it or probably both? Even if both, is it his fault? Unintentionally, yes. Intentionally, no. So, by the logic of my usually just and controllable mind, he shouldn't be at the receiving end. But he is. And that hurts me as much as it does him.
So well...these are the things that flow through the mind as I eat, sleep, gym, work, drive etc. etc. The only time I am a little at peace is when I am absorbed in a good book or movie - what a blessing they are!
Ideally this blog should have been a full fledged exploration...this listing is something I do daily in my mind, so it's not really helpful. But maybe someday later, it will remind me of myself in a weak moment, a mirror to a point in time when I felt less than myself.
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