The mind does not rest. Scared to be alone, it immerses itself in long dinners conducted over numerous drinks, vicarious laughter. Loud conversations soaked in gossip, carefully avoiding a touch of the personal. Silly jokes, long drives, the smell of smoke, the frustrations of others.
Blackness lurks. Life goes on as usual.
Talented Mr. Ripley. One of my favorite movies, turns out that its adapted from a book. And as I read the book, I am awestruck. Not just by the clear, engrossing flow of the story, by the sharp, unemotional dissection of the characters....but by the sheer magic (or so it seems) by which the book got faithfully recreated on film. Either the book is superlative or Matt Damon, Jude Law are brilliant actors. Probably a bit of both.
Mindless data entry on the Satruday. Very inappropriate. Very soothing. The pleasure of actually completing a bit of work and seeing the effort translated into filled up data fields.
Warm Sunday afternoon. For once, I don't shy away from the sun. I let it fall on my face, body, warming me, bringing back memories.....sweat - drenched summers in Delhi, the slap of the hot dusty wind when you move it, the sudden relief of the coling airconditioner.....warm, endless summer holidays in Bangalore, "chilling out" with Darshan, English movies on VCR, Hindi movies in stuffy theatres....
Lord of the Rings. The few human touches in the middle of the overwhelming adventure strike the right (wrong?) note. Lump in the throat....thoughts of Mummy, Nanima, Unni....memories take over. So does imagination. The lurking blackness envelops me in an unsuspecting, unexpected moment.
And its back to office. I want to get up and go. Can't. Won't. Even if I make my cv right now and circulate it tomorrow, it will be at least 2 months before I can be out of here. That means the nightmares ahead look unavoidable. At least, they will keep the mind occupied. Disgusting optimist.
And of course, as I sit at 12 pm typing this, people around me look at me strangely. What the fuck is this guy upto? After all, what does he do??
I wonder.
In the middle of this chaotic, muddy world, I create a small space where I hope inspite of everything....basically, i blabber on all and sundry and hope that somewhere i contribute something. To myself, at least.
Tuesday, February 24, 2004
Wednesday, February 18, 2004
Crest n trough
The pace indicated in the prev blog quickened as D-Day - 14 Feb - drew closer.
The week preceding it was MAD!.....frenetic shopping, cross-city drives for personal invites, intense discussions on the action plan for events, last minute reminders n checks with vendors...coupled with Anjan's exhaustion n depression; Dolly' anger and Mummy's tension. Just in case the point wasnt clear - I went MAD!
Of course, the wedding took the cake. The mandap etc was supposed to be ready by 12:30 pm, and Anjan's family were to arrive at 3 pm. I reached venue at 11:15 to check on progress - there was nothing to check. Unshaven, hair oiled, the next 1 and a half hrs were spent screaming on the phone and getting hyper. Finally, Anjan's friend arrived who took over and I managed to go home to bathe and change.
Back at 2:15 pm, things still being set up. To give me company, dearest Bua arrived right on time at 2pm, sneer in full display, disparaging comments flowing like water. Hysteria intensified as the priest kept getting delayed, and the bride herself was far from ready. The main relatives stuck in a traffic jam, as Anjan kept calling me to check when his family could leave and come to the venue (matter of minutes for them, it was so close).
To cut a long story short (yes, it IS short - the tension I was feeling and thoughts flowing through my head could fill a hundred lines) Anjan finally arrived at 4 pm, and from then on, things went off well.
Next day's party was also great.
(More details on both the events hopefully in the next few blogs)
And then the next week arrived. The pace suddenly slowed, and one faced the prospect of getting back to a life that was as startlingly different from this heady, positive time as possible.
And now, am back here. Even more exhausted than I was when I left. Nothing to really look forward to unlike the previous few weeks. Thinking of Mummy who is alone for the next few days. Thinking of Nanima who is unwell and depressed herself. Getting back to a grind that offers "great exposure, great brand name" with a miserable day to day existence. Going back to a home which doesn't feel like one.
Solid, serious depression. And the thought that this was more or less expected does nothing to dilute it.
The week preceding it was MAD!.....frenetic shopping, cross-city drives for personal invites, intense discussions on the action plan for events, last minute reminders n checks with vendors...coupled with Anjan's exhaustion n depression; Dolly' anger and Mummy's tension. Just in case the point wasnt clear - I went MAD!
Of course, the wedding took the cake. The mandap etc was supposed to be ready by 12:30 pm, and Anjan's family were to arrive at 3 pm. I reached venue at 11:15 to check on progress - there was nothing to check. Unshaven, hair oiled, the next 1 and a half hrs were spent screaming on the phone and getting hyper. Finally, Anjan's friend arrived who took over and I managed to go home to bathe and change.
Back at 2:15 pm, things still being set up. To give me company, dearest Bua arrived right on time at 2pm, sneer in full display, disparaging comments flowing like water. Hysteria intensified as the priest kept getting delayed, and the bride herself was far from ready. The main relatives stuck in a traffic jam, as Anjan kept calling me to check when his family could leave and come to the venue (matter of minutes for them, it was so close).
To cut a long story short (yes, it IS short - the tension I was feeling and thoughts flowing through my head could fill a hundred lines) Anjan finally arrived at 4 pm, and from then on, things went off well.
Next day's party was also great.
(More details on both the events hopefully in the next few blogs)
And then the next week arrived. The pace suddenly slowed, and one faced the prospect of getting back to a life that was as startlingly different from this heady, positive time as possible.
And now, am back here. Even more exhausted than I was when I left. Nothing to really look forward to unlike the previous few weeks. Thinking of Mummy who is alone for the next few days. Thinking of Nanima who is unwell and depressed herself. Getting back to a grind that offers "great exposure, great brand name" with a miserable day to day existence. Going back to a home which doesn't feel like one.
Solid, serious depression. And the thought that this was more or less expected does nothing to dilute it.
Wednesday, February 04, 2004
Energy n exhaustion
Intensive shopping (to the extent that the credit card ppl called me to check on my "unusually high activity"!!).....going out...meeting friends....fires in office....massive inflow, peak load.....I could actually make a movie on this chaotic 2/3 weeks and title it HIGH ACTIVITY !!!! (except that the movie itself will need to have a chaotic feel, will not be understood by most ppl, and go into the arty-farty category!)
I am dreading list post-18th Feb when I return from Delhi. Sudden halt to the pace of personal life, sudden chaos all over the professional life. Yuck! Since I don't really have too many friends left, may as well ask God to help me through that time!!!
I am dreading list post-18th Feb when I return from Delhi. Sudden halt to the pace of personal life, sudden chaos all over the professional life. Yuck! Since I don't really have too many friends left, may as well ask God to help me through that time!!!
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