Grey...defines my internal state of mind and soul....defines the environment.....for the past 2 weeks (since my prev post).
That sharp surge of thought and emotion remained that - a surge. With no sustenance.
Basically, I got upset again, and thought to myself - "what the hell am I letting myself in for"? So went into a grey mood.
Mood further dampened after I heard of Nanaji's death and the details of the events 2/3 days after it. Such a long, rich, full life and such an undignified, sad exit. That lovely house filled with artifacts, mementos from all over the world; filled with bundles of "things" - clothes, equipment; filled with so so so many warm memories - the house now ransacked by greedy, insensitive nephews n nieces, the items that now grace the rooms of unpleasant wimps, or have been thrown off as useless.
Breaks my heart. And brings back memories, memories kept in that dark corner of the mind. Brings to the fore fears, fears best relegated to the corner of the heart.
Can I share with this anyone? These low, dark moments? I can - with the same people who I am running away from.
QED - I am grey.
In the middle of this chaotic, muddy world, I create a small space where I hope inspite of everything....basically, i blabber on all and sundry and hope that somewhere i contribute something. To myself, at least.
Tuesday, January 20, 2004
Saturday, January 03, 2004
New Year?
Why do so many of my blogs start with questions? Probably because questions are the first step to examination and then to expression. Duh!
I tend to attach a certain amount of significance to the concept of the new year. For one, it allows me to detect and form a pattern to life - experiences, attitudes, approach. For another, it is my superstitious self that reinforces the theme of the year following the pattern of the start.
To elaborate :
Just going back a few years, each year seemed to have a theme that flowed from the experiences at the end of the previous year and the consequent resolutions.....
I began 2001 crying. I was hurt, confused. Unni. I was apprehensive, insecure. Placements. Hence, the theme for the rest of the year - insecurities, apprehensions, turmoil - job (even though I got a good one easily) and Unni (even though he remained with me in Chennai)
I began 2002 alone. A little numb, tired from always thinking, always feeling. And thus started the process of distancing, detachment from people who used to be close to me, from work which I was passionate about. It started with Parish, and picked up momentum through the year. Mid way, I took one of my hardest decisions, and moved away from Chennai (yes, thats the right way to put it) and back to Delhi. Tore my guts out, but it had to be done.
2003 started pleasantly, chilled out at Manoshi's party. There was a lot to think about, there was a lot to feel....after all, I was shedding ppl left, right & centre! But then, there was also work. A career which I knew I had to make. Hence - systems shutdown. Did as much decent work at Polaris as I could....concentrated on getting into a better place. Again, the mid-year change - Accenture. Moved into overdrive - a pace that didnt allow me to think or feel or make any effort, thus sparing me the associated guilt and questions. The pace intensified, the shedding too. Approaches I earlier held dear, vanished, as I spent free time having a "good time", with "friends" with whom I shared hardly one decent conversation.
But now, 2004 is here. And I am forced to pause, to question.
Am I doing the right thing??? This deliberate hardening of the shield - the "it doesn't affect me", "I don't need you" approach - who is it hurting?
But do I have an option??? I have seen the direction the world, and the people, around me are moving. To spare myself too much pain, disillusionment in the future, isn't this what I have to do??
The year didn't start off too well anyways! 31st was office, a measly dinner, and then home. 1st was a pleasant lunch with old friends, followed by an irritating, tense drive to ISKON and back, followed by a broken dinner appointment, followed by a v pleasant evening reading & eating....all in all, a mix. Is that what the year's going to be? No common thread- just a mix?
Mix of what? As Unni said to me, a mix of approaches, not a standardised extremist approach?? (is the tendency to draw parallels becoming too strong?!) Maybe. For a change, I cant focus on what the theme for the year would be - and maybe thats the indication itself.
One resolution is clear - I have to focus more on myself and my health. Have really let myself go last year, with no thought on what I am eating & drinking. From now on, I will regain my old sense of always having a good mix of indulgence and caution!!
Cheers!
I tend to attach a certain amount of significance to the concept of the new year. For one, it allows me to detect and form a pattern to life - experiences, attitudes, approach. For another, it is my superstitious self that reinforces the theme of the year following the pattern of the start.
To elaborate :
Just going back a few years, each year seemed to have a theme that flowed from the experiences at the end of the previous year and the consequent resolutions.....
I began 2001 crying. I was hurt, confused. Unni. I was apprehensive, insecure. Placements. Hence, the theme for the rest of the year - insecurities, apprehensions, turmoil - job (even though I got a good one easily) and Unni (even though he remained with me in Chennai)
I began 2002 alone. A little numb, tired from always thinking, always feeling. And thus started the process of distancing, detachment from people who used to be close to me, from work which I was passionate about. It started with Parish, and picked up momentum through the year. Mid way, I took one of my hardest decisions, and moved away from Chennai (yes, thats the right way to put it) and back to Delhi. Tore my guts out, but it had to be done.
2003 started pleasantly, chilled out at Manoshi's party. There was a lot to think about, there was a lot to feel....after all, I was shedding ppl left, right & centre! But then, there was also work. A career which I knew I had to make. Hence - systems shutdown. Did as much decent work at Polaris as I could....concentrated on getting into a better place. Again, the mid-year change - Accenture. Moved into overdrive - a pace that didnt allow me to think or feel or make any effort, thus sparing me the associated guilt and questions. The pace intensified, the shedding too. Approaches I earlier held dear, vanished, as I spent free time having a "good time", with "friends" with whom I shared hardly one decent conversation.
But now, 2004 is here. And I am forced to pause, to question.
Am I doing the right thing??? This deliberate hardening of the shield - the "it doesn't affect me", "I don't need you" approach - who is it hurting?
But do I have an option??? I have seen the direction the world, and the people, around me are moving. To spare myself too much pain, disillusionment in the future, isn't this what I have to do??
The year didn't start off too well anyways! 31st was office, a measly dinner, and then home. 1st was a pleasant lunch with old friends, followed by an irritating, tense drive to ISKON and back, followed by a broken dinner appointment, followed by a v pleasant evening reading & eating....all in all, a mix. Is that what the year's going to be? No common thread- just a mix?
Mix of what? As Unni said to me, a mix of approaches, not a standardised extremist approach?? (is the tendency to draw parallels becoming too strong?!) Maybe. For a change, I cant focus on what the theme for the year would be - and maybe thats the indication itself.
One resolution is clear - I have to focus more on myself and my health. Have really let myself go last year, with no thought on what I am eating & drinking. From now on, I will regain my old sense of always having a good mix of indulgence and caution!!
Cheers!
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