A new face in the mirror

Met someone last week who reminded me of....Me!!!
It was only when I met him and spoke to him, that I realised why I felt such a strong sense of connection & emotion at the same time....it was because I recognised in him what I used to be.

I knew I had changed over the years, especially over the past 2 years, but not to this extent! Its scary...its like something was happening within me,,,and though I was dimly aware, I didn't realise the sharpness. Me....who has spent unholy amounts of time scrambling & meticuluously examining the truth within. And now its as if I hv been caught sleeping!!! It would be funny if it weren;t so tragic. Black humor enters my life again.

But what was it that prompted this realisation? I think it was the sheer romanticism that shone from him, the "goofiness", the straight-from-the-heart conversation. In my reaction to him I recognised the reactions of others to me, till a few years ago - Shekhar, Avijit, Amit, Meet - all people who had the same expression on their faces that I had when I met Vicky.

And where & when did this change happen? I think it was like a slow but steady erosion of rock by strong, salty waves (I certainly havent lost my zest for yucky romantic similies!).
And why?? The answer lies partly in the past..partly in the future. Today, I am what I am because of certain things that happened...the grief, the disillusionments, the loss of trust, the sense of disbelief, that forced me to withdraw back into myself.
Also, I am what I am because I am preparing for the future - a future very different, a future I can nevertheless see the genesis of, right now.

In fact, the strongest example of this is reflected in my social life. I used to be a person v v clear abt who I wanted to be with, who I got intimate with. Hence, had many pleasant simple social relationships, had a few very strong, intimate relationships, used to go out often only with the people I am close to, liked to spend time at home if that wasnt possible.

Now, I have many friends, none of whom I am intimate with. Once in a while a conversation with Unni/L/Darshan...and rarely, Shekhar...thats the extent of my intimacy. And the ratio of my social contact with them is barely 10-20% in comparison to the rest of my hectic, "fun oriented" socialising.

And finally...do I regret it? Wellll....to be v v honest, Yes.
I liked myself, genuinely did. Now I dont know even know whether I know myself, so where;s the question of liking.
And if I can't say I like myself, will I ever see the intimacy, the affection, the loyalty that I have known from others in the past? Certainly wont.
But perhaps that was a foregone conclusion that I had made about the future. And changed myself to suit that vision. Deep workings of the mind that even the self isn't aware of.