Chatter

I have made a checklist of all that I need to do before leaving. The checklist is divided between my prep for Manila and stuff that I need to put in place for Bangalore. It includes the list of items I need to buy as well. Despite all this, I know I will forget some stuff that I shall remember only later, but what the heck, imagine the chaos if I had NOT done this!

But do I leave with a clean, light heart? No. I am scared and apprehensive about what this will do to what is fast becoming one of the most critical relationships in life. Not that that itself is without some basic issues. In the sunshine of the day, I am able to balance these concerns with the "other shoe" approach and reason out the wrinkles into smooth silence. But in the twilight of sleep they sometimes come back to haunt me. They cause the occasional pouts and silences, otherwise remaining mournfully within. Most logical people will tell me that this is silly and destructive behavior, but when I know there is no resolution possible, I dont see the point of creating unnecessary friction by articulating them. This may be the approach of a quitter, in which I case surprise myself. At least I continue to have that capacity :)

One area where there's no surprise is my reaction to the "others" in his life. I had made a comment in Nov 06 which was a clear articulation of what I felt at that time, as well as what I knew I would continue to feel. There's no right or wrong to it, its just that I belong to a different planet and artlessly facing, literally or not, the past and potential loves of a loved one takes its toll on me. I know I cant do much about it, because this is inherently me, but I will at least try to control my expression of my emotions here and avoid potential fallouts due to this extremely silly (in hindsight) concern.

The entry of people like Man, Such and by extension, Shal, into my life reminds me of that period in 2005 when I felt that my values and priorities were inverted by the mirror of reality. Which is why I am clear that despite occasionally being with these people, they are not "friends" at least not yet. This constant reminder will keep me on my toes in the future...I do NOT want to face that crisis again where my emptiness at spending time with "non friends" causes me anguish and anger at myself. Time is a precious commodity to me, and I can think of many better ways to spend it, including just being with myself.

While on that subject, I have managed to spend time with what I call my "sanity" people - D, U - in the past few days. Today too, I will spend more time with D and hopefully meet L as well. I would be keen to get L's reaction to DB. While D may be more intelligent and U more sensitive, L's instincts are usually the best with people. Furthermore, its the context that makes his reaction more important to me. U has come around to being supportive, D continues to be an irritable ostrich.

At least I am reasonably more occupied at work, as I prepare for the trip - both from an assignment and logistical perspective. As usual, the last week I am sure will be much more hectic than all the previous 3 put together! I am glad, it will prevent me from thinking and worrying.

Right now, the focus is on this weekend. Last weekend was so so nice. This one will hopefully be decent too. At least Sunday evening onwards promises to be fun, provided a certain Kamat agrees - Filmfare awards, Coffee with Karan and Oscars :)

Iggly piggly stuff

There are so many impressions, opinions and thoughts doing the rounds of the concentric circles of my mind that I dont have the energy to even articulate them anymore, let alone record. The careful ironies of middle class "values", the conveniences of relationships, the intricasies of the infidel, the pain of loved ones, the romance vs comfort tussle in a relationship, the beauty of a human mind, the demons of the human soul.....

Some of these are a reaction to the events happening in other people's lives, others are an off shoot of bits of internal flotsam that keep rising to the surface now and then.

Right now, I shall have tea.

:)

Morning Ruminations

Its probably the first time I am blogging early in the morning! It’s a dull, slightly warm morning, very unlike the type I associate with Bangalore. DB’s just left and I am compiling the papers for my visa application while the maid cleans her way through the living room. A look at my last few posts confirms my suspicion – 9 to 5 jobs are not my style. I have barely worked for the past 2 weeks, just kept enough on my plate to get by the day, have been enjoying myself with a lovely evening life and been reading regularly. If I had read this on someone else’s blog while I was in my normal throes of working, I would have been heartily envious, but not now. In perfect alignment with my mother, my idle mind has been occupied with more devils than I care to count, all driving me to the verge of destructive behavior. Thankfully, the two weeks beginning today will be anything but idle, with the preparation for the (hopefully) travel. Prep work for the logistics/arrangements and prep work for the actual assignment. This shall keep the devils at bay, till I am suddenly free again and thought/emotion return. It scares me to even think about that day and so I wont. I shall now take out the clothes for the day and go for my bath.

Dramatic travails of a bruised heart

Picking up shards of broken glass. Snuffing out the blue tinted candle. The stillness in the air. The nagging tooth ache. Donning the black kurta. The aggression of memory – the switched off phone, the 2 day gaps. Yet - no feeling, just blankness. No doubts, just numbness. Sleepy, very sleepy. Woken up by the grind of the house being built next door. Tea, conversation against the backdrop of loud music, canned laughter and grinding. A drop in the car, then back to unhappy, sweaty sleep. Wake up, return to feeling. Doubts, anger. The back aches, the head pounds. Sour faced dentists deliver bad news and cranky horse cart owners dent the car. Meetings cancelled. Mails and messages of conflict and pain. Long drives in sticky weather. Now back to home. Wonder what awaits me? I long for a good ol’ fashioned cribbing session. But can cribbing lighten the load in my heart?

Auto self destruct mode....

I am so scared of being happy. Its as if I am this young, bitter child of the street who knows that the glimpse of luxury doesn't actually mean luxury, that the taste of happiness could be wiped away at one go by the cruel Gods who extract penance for unkn0wn sins I have committed in this or past life.

My fault, or "nadaani" as L would call it, has been that I have treated this fear of happiness logically. You are scared of water, you stay away from it. DOES NOT mean that if you fear happiness, you stay away from it. That's self destructive. And I am conscious that all of us, however "positive" or "optimistic" we may believe ourselves to be, have that self destructive streak in us.

I just hope that my fear doesn't destroy me.

Losing my war against the big C

I do what I think is right, what comes naturally to me. I act and I react impulsively, and I pretty much am myself most of the time. I rarely think about cost/benefit analysis on a day to day basis and I never hold others accountable for what I am doing or what I am responsible for. I express my likes/dislikes, pleasure/irritation points openly and usually let the flow of my thoughts and emotions be governed by the flow of the relationship and the other’s behavior. A lot of times I am told “you do a lot for me/him/her”. I don’t know…I just do what I feel like doing and I am usually willing to lay down my life for the people I love.

All this implies trust. And one trusts on the assumption that that trust wont be abused or broken. What really really gets my goat (as in, gets me genuinely angry as opposed to merely irritated) is when people push the limits on this front – taking my reactions for granted (for example, creating issues that they know are important enough to affect me but small enough for me not to act churlish); manipulating my activities to suit their convenience; physically or mentally exacting a lot from me when they know I cant afford that; making me compromise on what I believe/want, all the while knowing that if I refuse to compromise, I will be forced to make choices which they know I wont.

What they DON’T understand is that even if I am allowing this trust to be abused, my mind may forget but my heart wont. Cracks within always develop into cracks outside sooner or later, and you may think that “I will make up for it tomorrow” but honey, tomorrow cant mend the past, it can only soothe. Another thing – somewhere I would lose that respect for you, and a bit of respect for myself as well; and respect is very very very important to me, the day I feel a sense of loss on that front, I will end any relationship, no matter what the cost.

Naturally, my boiling points are different for different people. And so are my final reactions (for example, with U once, I reached that point after a LOT and even then, I just changed my tactic, I didn’t give up). But it would heed to remember that are LIMITS.

For the past few days, I have been thinking of that. Because a LOT of people, at work and outside, have been behaving this way. Unfortunately most of these people are those who have entered my life recently (i.e. in the past 1-1.5 yrs), making me question my judgment of people.

And the people I am closest to – Mum, U, D, L – continue to be the ones who set the benchmark for being impeccable guardians of my trust.

That’s what keeps me sane. The thought of these wonderful people – whose souls I love, whose characters I respect, whose lives bring me positive – keep the increasing cynicism at bay, the cynicism at the numerous people I find around me who are cheating, lying, manipulating, confusing, avoiding……yes I know this is unnecessarily dramatic, but SERIOUSLY. There is just TOO much negativity!!!! And its making me pissed because I DON’T want to be negative. I DON’T want to think twice before acting. I DON’T want to indulge in psychological warfare. I DON’T want to be careful about what I express. I DON’T want to think about give/take in relationships. I DON’T want to go in with the basic assumption that everyone is out to screw me.

But its becoming an increasingly difficult battle to fight.