fear

Silence, I say, is holy; its the path to purity. I also acknowledge that it breeds evil as well. And, in particular, it breeds fear. This thought occured to me a few moments ago, and was discarded instantly. But on hindsight, its not so peculiar. Most of the emotions that we would normally classify as "negative" can be traced back to fear in some form or the other. In fact, evil is synonymous with fear, and the host of that evil can either be the perpetrator or the victim.

Why is this thought uppermost in my mind on a seemingly peaceful Saturday night? Probably because of several unconnected emotions felt through the day. The thought of Mama, something I try to suppress most of the time, because of the sense of shock and loss that still accompanies it. The movie, Amityville Horror, a perfect symbolism of the madness that lurks within us ready to spring out with the right catalyst. The conversation with mum, when she told me the story of the 4 year old who was tortured by her stepmother. And finally, the depression that is now beginning to overwhelm me.

All fear.

and it's a happy new year

The end of another Sunday, this time a relatively relaxing one with mum...and ending with the predictable will n grace. I also have a new phone that I got pressured into buying by the collective nagging on friends n family over the past 2 years. ok, they just insisted on a new phone, i am the one who wanted a rs.10000 motorazor! a bad movie (15, park avenue) and a stunningly suprising bad conversation (with lord) thrown in. a lot of suspicions about self confirmed. apprehensions about my ability to do what i need to do rear their head. close ones seem to have disappeared. collectively, depression is settling in.

In and Out

(there's a nice movie with Kevin Kline by this name)

I will refrain (at least for now) to write about my thoughts on 2005 and plans for the year ahead. What should be interesting however is a check on the people in my life. (this has been one of the key things on my mind at the turn of the year).

I am tempted to make a "top 1o" and "bottom 10" list like a hollywood/bollywood mag, but will instead settle for a quick look to see who moved how....

Remained where they were (at the top) - Mum, U, D, L ; (the 2nd rung) - Sidh, Shal, Ven, Dom

Moved up (into the top rung) - Shw, Shk ; (the 2nd rung) - Jas, Rku, Nan

Moved down - H, Aish, Jyo, Poo (no pain)

Moved out - Sau (no pain), V (loads of it)

New entrants - Kit, N, Rosh

In n Out - M (pain)

Arian inscrutability

There suddenly seems to be plethora of arians in my life....I guess i have always had an attraction for this sign, the only one that doesn't get intimidated by me (however much I try!) but recently there have been quite a few additions. A quick look....

L (oldest, still around...I put it down to the fact that he's got a moon sign that's significantly more sensitive than his arian nature would otherwise allow!)

Amit (out)

Aish (barely in touch)

Ruch (out)

M (left this testimonial on friendster..."Look at this pic! it couldn't be cuter. Sudeep is the person who I have grown closest to in the past two years. Although we have been in and out of touch, I appreciate is friendship and support, especially at the worst of times. I really do wish, however that he would quit his job in corporate madness and open up a coffee shop/book store and allow me to run a small caf along side. Heres to you! Suds". I am pleasantly shocked...and I dont like surprises!)

Kit (new addition...growing)

N (new addition...growing)

Mon (team member...about to join)

Hence as on next week, I will be juggling 5 arians in my life. Promises to be blood curdling.

sound of silence

Its one thirty on a Sunday night and time for me to go to sleep. And yet the mind wanders; it chances upon a thought, pauses, examines, sets it free and then saunters off again. The heart does its own dance, playing with emotions as if they were colored balls to be juggled in the air. I can sense a slight chill in the air yet I dont want to wrap a quilt around me, I want instead to embrace the chill for it reminds me of something, it brings with it the scent of a memory. The memory itself I cannot trace, for it could very much be a dream, real nevertheless. For what is real after all? Is not what is there is our heart more real than the illusion we surround ourselves with?

I would like to go to sleep now, for my eyes are heavy and my notebook reminds me of the long week that lies ahead. Yet I cannot move from this moment, this stillness that has me rooted at this spot. I cannot call it a moment of peace, the cacophony of voices within me assures me of that. Moment of content it is neither, for nothing could be more discontent than the heart that silently loves and fumes. Yet it is a moment of truth; not the noble truth that a poet would describe, but the harsh, naked truth of a sunlight that restlessly intrudes into each inch of space and brings to view the dirt and the grime under the beauty.

Till when will this truth be present and hold off my sleep? When will the tranquilisers of daily life take over and do their grey duty?

They say silence is holy. Because it allows you to talk to the spirit within yourself, talk to God. And religion is, after all, the search for truth. Is this the sound of silence?