no sweet sorrow

i consider myself fortunate that i grew up within the loving cocoon of my family and close friends and got familiar with the pain of parting and distance only from the age of fifteen. (or maybe that's not very fortunate, because it meant that I was not used to it...)

either way, i wonder how my dear aarav will view it? will he rotate his head 360 degrees around the room so that he can spot me and cry out for attention like he used to? will he miss the sight of me standing in front of me and he gazing at me and waving his arms wildly in order to be picked up? will he sense that there is a pair of arms which are not around him anymore? will he look for the patterns of my shirts and kurtas which he lwas attracted to and loved attacking with his teething mouth? will he feel the absence of the 73kilos that would plump down beside him every morning to coo and wish him good morning? will he cry out for the specific paintings and wall hangings he had gotten fond of on his daily "walk"?

mum will cry, think about me and my life constantly, get distracted by bobo's needs and then resign herself to another few months of distance. i have cried, have been thinking about them constantly, will now get into work and try to reduce the number of occasions when i am struck by memory and seized with pain.

but i think of him, who doesnt even know what he's feeling.

Movies of 2007

Like presumably millions of others, I am quite fond of reading "top etc. etc." lists of movies, actors and so on, compiled by critics and audience polls. But recently, I have become extremely fond of generating my own too!

English movies are too much of an ocean...I have seen too many movies that I have liked to create a true favorites list, even though I have a few standard titles that I name when someone asks me. Hindi movies - uptil 2004 or so, I have a clear idea of what my top 10-20 favorite movies are. After that, age started catching up and its better if I have an annual list from which I can create another favorites list a decade down the line!

And, as I said, I am extremely fond of creating this list :)

Here's to 2007. Certainly not a year like 2006 was, wonderfully varied and exciting but sufficiently interesting to present a challenge. What I liked about 2007 was that there were some good roles for women, both on the commercial and not-so-commercial scene, which was a relief. Over the past few years, the declining quality of actresses and the roles they play (or maybe its the reverse cause and effect!) is something that's upsetting, mainly because it is at odds with the progress being made in real life. This year, some solid actresses asserted themselves, sometimes successfully like Tabu and Kareena and sometimes not so much like Rani. But the result was equally impactful - bimbos like Priyanka and Katrina were kept in their place.

Top 10

1. Chak De India - topical, entertaining and SRK was wonderful. Only thing that prevents it from being an all time favorite is the lack of a gripping climax
2. Jab We Met - I consider this as India's answer to Meg Ryan's rom coms. And like them, this has become one of my "anytime, anywhere" movies. And the songs are my favorite this year!!
3. Om Shanti Om - thorough entertainer; but again, just didnt have Dhoom's appeal for me without Hrithik's godliness and fab music
4. Manorama Six Feet Under - brilliantly made movie with perfect performances
5. Cheeni Kum - a lovely, lovely movie esp because of Tabu and great dialogues
6. Life in a Metro - very real, interesting characters played by good perfomers
7. Guru -again, a well made biopic on Hollywoodish lines, esp the strong supporting cast (incl Ash)
8. Taare Zameen Par - very very nice movie, well made and it genuinely touched me
9. Honeymoon Travels - because this is the kind of ensemble movie I always enjoy
10. Johny Gaddar - because I am a Chase fan and its high time we went back to these kind of movies (they did get made during the '80s art period but not after that)

Runners up

11. Gandhi My Father - A for effort and Akshaye's performance. If it had been better paced and more involving, it could have been a cracker
12. No Smoking - esoteric, yes. Un-understandable, yes. Did I have fun watching it? yes.
13. Ek Chaalis ki Last Local - nice enough movie, and Abhay is as usual good to watch
14. Khoya Khoya Chand - I love movies about movies and this was, like Gandhi My Father, a great effort
15. Saawariya - I didnt find it terrible. Quite watchable with some interesting ideas and Ranbir's good

Didnt see, they could have been in the favorites list -

Bheja Fry
Shootout at Lokhandwala
The Namesake
Jhoom Barabar Jhoom

from grey to growth to....?

I just re-read my last year's "new year" post, which I think has become a sort of ritual now, thanks to my insistence on this being the time of the year for 'reflection and thinking and planning" etc etc!

The biggest thing on my mind last year was the ambiguity around work and personal life...there was so much happening with no clue where all those threads would lead me.

And now I need to ask myself - where DID they lead? I actually dont have a top-of-the-mind response to this. At first glance, there are some basics that are not truly "right" today as a result of some choices I made. But then there are some moments of intense happiness I can look back upon, professional achievement and personal peace. I have never doubted myself as much as I did this year, yet there's a sense of pride in the way I handled several challenges with new people in my life, incl DB. So if I go the "report card" way, it's probably a never ending comparison on the two sides of the line.

But there IS one clear outcome - growth. Last year I had taken 2 leaps of faith. This year, I ventured into more uncharted territory, uncovering skills, inclination, attitudes and personality traits that hadn't existed or were dormant. I questioned myself a lot, trying to de-layer motives and arrive at the real factors that drove me. I checked myself too, trying to control reactions so that they are not too impulsive or damaging to myself and others. I learnt some new words - patience, for example :) and some new worlds too - DCN business for example. Not to mention visited new places, explored new cultured and vastly increased my wardrobe contents!!

And this growth is very, very satisfying. Because - more signifcant than my fear of ambiguity and greyness in life (which I mentioned in last year's note) is my fear of stagnation.

What next? What fear will drive this year? I think some demons from the past are surfacing...and hence my focus this year will be on building some sense of security and rejecting behaviors or decisions that make me feel unstable or unclear. This means taking some tough stands, not all of them positive. Will I be able to do that? Lets check a year later :)

On a side note, its interesting to note how negative triggers (fear) drive positive outcomes (focus, growth etc.) This keeps happening to me at work too!