Love is all around/Love just aint enough

Maybe it's my overdramatic persona or maybe its actually the way it happens with me - these times of intense contradictions at the same time. On one side, a new relationship with an adorable baby intensifies, setting me up for intense joy and pain in the future. As I enjoy and absorb these moments, I am also forced to finally acknowledge that another relationship with an "adored one", equally significant to my mind, is on the road to nowhere. There's a line in Cider House Rules - "Sometimes love just aint enough"

like a ferris wheel

For several months, things have been pretty ok. Naturally there were things that irritated....frustrating moments....sometimes anger, sometimes confusion...but all part of normal life. At a fundamental level, things were ok for some time...and at the back of my mind, I knew that like bad times, good times dont last either.

Well, here comes the lower end of the ride. Anger at rating, irritation with boss, disenchantment with work, despair at house, lowness at the indefinite postponement of Anjan's move, worry at financials....all mix to make daily life quite, quite stressful. I have gone back to a time about 1-1.5 yrs ago...always high strung, easily irritable, a little self absorbed, prone to making errors.

Hopefully this self awareness and some practicality will lift me out of these times soon. More than that, am counting on Bobo to do so! As long as he remains ok of course...

Hindi Chini bhai bhai :)

I consider myself quite fortunate that this year I have been able to travel to 4 interesting cities in Asia. Starting with a long stint Manila, which was a pleasant experience. Friends, shopping, general warmth and friendliness. A vacation in Hong Kong and the exhilaration of falling in love with that successful, classy, beautiful city. A quickie in Singapore (he he!), a whirlwind of walking and sightseeing.

And now Shanghai – probably the most complex of them all. Many adjectives are used for it in the sites I have been frequenting, but the one that comes to top of my mind is brassy. Like a bedecked, bejeweled good looking middle aged lady, with not-so-great teeth and a weakness for the colors red and black. A long history behind her, of turbulence and pain and some glory, but now her soul enjoys the present and looks firmly to the future. In short, for a visitor – easy to misjudge and difficult to decipher.

Well, in my limited time here, 4 evenings and one weekend, I will try to at least cover the surface, if not scratch it.

24 Nov

The first evening was a trip to a market that most would associate with “China:” – fake goods! It had actually closed down a year ago but my resourcefulness with the net told me where it had shifted!...well, it was the usual...found some stuff, restrained on others, came back.

The Friday evening I went glam :) The black jacket n blue jeans topped with my pink muffler, I am glad to report that heads did turn. Especially since I went to the hottest shopping area here…packed with top brands and department stores, both local and international. Broke my legs walking and finally landed up at the coolest “hangout” area I have seen – a collection of old buildings converted to watering holes! I explored the lanes, found a bar that had my long lost favorite – Absolut Peppar – and settled down to enjoy the variety of human species around, especially those easy on the eyes!

But there could be no better sample of the beauty of Shanghai than today! 12 hours of frenetic activity and walking that’s left my calves crying for mercy and my eyes laden with sleep. I started with the ultimate “tourist” thing – a trip up Pearl tower…a 470m high tower…with the top observation point being 360m! It was a very, very strange feeling being nearly half a km away from the ground, where you even looked down upon the skyscrapers! Dealt with the huge crowds, clicked snaps of every part of Shanghai (yes, one could see the entire city…and beyond) and finally came down (via a Space Museum that had cool games and even a mini roller coaster…ewww J) From the camera-friendly tourist to the thinking visitor, I next visited the Art Museum, a spectacularly beautiful British style building (little did I know how many more I would see through the day!) and then the Shanghai Museum, equally startling in its modern design. 3 exhibitions that provoked more thought and emotion than I have experienced in months – a set of sculptures using naked “man-babies” to reflect a cynical reality of our existence…a set of paintings by an artist reflecting the changing values and colors of Shanghai (accompanied by a very nice commentary)…and finally a huge collection of paintings from the Amsterdam museum – Dutch painters, including Rembrandt. After an afternoon of simple living – high thinking, the consumerist in me arose and off I went to the most crowded and famous shopping area here – Nanjing Road – a pedestrian-only street that has so many malls and shops that one needs a full day at the minimum! I spent 3 hours J walking up and down, gazing at people, examining interesting shops (like local medicine, food, jewellery) and doing a bit (yes, only a bit!) of shopping! Finally arrived at what can be called the showcase of Shanghai – the Bund, the riverfront area. If only one could just pretend the crowds didn’t exist (and that’s practically impossible). It’s cold and a little windy. The water, its dirty color hidden in the darkness, glistens under the lights of the surrounding buildings. Gaily colored cruise ships pass by. On one’s right is a row of colonial buildings, lit up in a uniform yellow in their magnificence. On the opposite bank is the futuristic row of China’s empire today – colorful skyscrapers, including the third highest tower and the third highest building in the world. Both sides reflect industry, enterprise and greed. And both, between them, create an immensely attractive area that’s truly symbolic I think. My last hour of the day was also symbolic of the Shanghai experience – first, a trip through the tourist Bund tunnel – a small cabin that travels through a laser-show tunnel under the water to the opposite bank. And then finally, a quiet coffee on the waterfront, looking at people, gazing at the lights, smiling at the cold.

25 Nov

Sunday was kind of a dampener after Saturday. The day started off well enough – deliberately late (had to give my legs some time to recover!) and with a stroll through the French Concession area. Wintry afternoon sun, tree lined streets, cozy buildings…could have been the perfect Sunday trip…but then, the shops! They are everywhere! The really hi-fi boutiques are easy – you gaze into their classy windows and move on. It’s the middle ones that wasted my time…not expensive or bad enough to be ignored but not good or amicable enough to be shopped at either! And by amicable, I mean just that – little overheated rooms, packed with clothes, and young girls who cant (and wont try to) understand you but want to outsmart you just the same…it puts me off even if there is good stuff around. Well, from that type of shops it was time to go to what’s politely called the “antiques”market…basically a street market filled with typical ethnic stuff…bought 2 very nice Buddhas and an assortment of stuff for gifts…it was nice but all the bargaining is exhausting, especially when you know at the end of the day you still have paid more than its worth!! There were some interesting touches to the walk though. There was an old Chinese man explaining an “antique” gramophone to a firang and singing a classical tune that reverberated through the street! Another young guy (firang) got completely fascinated by a long sword that actually looked old and was surrounded by the vendors as they discussed the price etc. with me. I had no clue how he would that through airport authorities and said as much to him; he naturally didn’t look too happy at the thought :)

Actually, come to think of it, firangs usually provided more entertainment than locals did…either because of their antics or simply because they were friendlier, tending to smile more and use “please” and “thank you” or even exchange notes on nice scenes. There’s an ease of behavior that comes with confidence and it’s easy to spot once you know what you are looking for.

Anyway, the result of this exhaustion and general irritation was that I canceled my plans for the evening…to do an evening out again. “Next time”, I say to myself and come back to my room. Count up what I have spent (debt for December), get online, chat with Mummy, eat some snacks, take a loooooong hot bath, have a cup of tea, chat some more, type this out, realize how late it is and prepare to turn in :)

27 Nov

Monday – it got very very cold! One of those evenings which are a spell of what’s in store for the city. Just that 5 minute walk from office to hotel in the howling, biting wind got me a headache! As I passed by the various vendors (yes, it’s just like India, even in the central business district, there are the street vendor hawking loads of stuff!), I was actually thinking that sometimes it’s difficult to grudge the amount of money (or at least profit) that these guys make by buying mass produced stuff at cheap rates and then selling them to ignorant tourists like me at much higher prices. After all, they deal with inherent unpredictability of existence (or at least lack of stability), there’s intense compeitition from others selling the same goods and no scope for differentiation, there’s the constant threat of police action and intervention, they have to think on their feet and deal with each customer separately depending on age, sex, nationality etc. I keep coming back to the same old adage – never grudge the people who earn more, because they have either taken more intelligent decisions than you have or bear risks or invest effort that’s more than you do…and that holds true of even grey areas (probably even more so!)
Tuesday was my last day here. Its quite interesting that I don’t feel a sense of regret like I normally do with every city I visit, even in India. My feeling towards Shanghai were instinctive and they have stayed same over the course of the trip – I am fascinated and impressed, but don’t necessarily like it.

As I think I mentioned earlier to K, part of it is to do with the irrational resentment I feel as an Indian at the amount China has been able to achieve despite having a similarly turbulent history as ours and carrying a similar load of baggage. Another part of it, contradictory though it may sound, is due to the similarities betweens Indians and Chinese. Yes, both are industrious and enterprising and focused on education…but unfortunately in habits too they tend to be similar – tending to be abrupt & rude, selfish in public areas, and making noise while eating!

Which brings me to another point – I didn’t indulge my love for food much. Partly because I was too conscious of cost this time (having had the Manila trip and the car damage earlier this month) and partly because, other than dimsums, I don’t think I particularly “authentic” Chinese food! Give me Mainland China any day…or even the Delhi “chowmein” vans.

On that note, I will end. It’s been a good trip in all respects.

For my soul

Three consecutive nights of partying. Funky music on loud speakers, comfortable couches, eye candy to ogle at (and to be ogled by!), cocktails that burn the throat, fish snacks, simple conversations, eye contact, probes and revelations, gossip, dim lights, drives, coffee search, heavy lidded eyes, late mornings.

Oh how I needed this!!!!!!!!!!!!

The tale of Bobo

He came out of the OT all bundled up in blue and white and was placed in a warmer. As if on cue, he stopped bawling, opened his eyes, and carefully surveyed the fast-increasing group around him, the walls, and anything else that caught his fancy. In a few minutes he was picked up again and taken to meet his mother formally. Pictures got clicked, he got cooed over, congratulations were exchanged, duties conducted; and through it all, Aarav soaked in the atmosphere (and maybe even the details) and finally went to sleep. Hopefully, positive impressions had been formed in the first half hour of his entry into our world.

In the next 2 weeks, he wasn’t as kind. To be fair, the world wasn’t that kind on him either. There was that little business with the feeding in the first few days that left him irritable and hungry and will no doubt come out as a psychological scar during teen therapy. And there were the irritants – the hiccups that interfered with his sleep and feeds sometimes, the visitors who liked to hold him and talk around him in loud voices, the 40 second delay in his feed if the milk had become too warm, the insistence of his family members to resort to cuddles and music to soothe him…the perfectionist (in this case, him) doesn’t approve of such interferences with his normal course of life and accordingly assumes a I-don’t-know-what-the-hell-this-world-is-coming-to expression.The world (to be more specific, his mother), in its desire to over-simplify matters of significance, started calling him Bobo during such times, a travesty that will no doubt be avenged during the mid-life crises a few decades later. Protest was registered even now, in loud, sudden cries that brought back the image of the angry young man.

Other than the Bobo/angry young man piece, there were so many other aspects to this growth of personality that his entire family became observational scientists overnight. He slept on the side with one hand firmly tucked under his head; occasionally, he would get disturbed by unpleasant dreams, when he would cry soundlessly and clutch at clothes/fingers of his companion, who would be in near tears at the sight of this pain being inflicted on innocence; he hated water at first sight and steadfastly refused to get cleaned, except under protest; he loved having conversations, or at least listening to them, and would listen with furious concentration as someone spoke to him; the intensity of concentration also made him cross eyed, which caused minor panic attacks around him; he suffered from gas or colic problems almost daily and got relief from the heeng mixture which his great grandmother would make and apply; his love of surveys and observations continued and he would twist and turn and twist and turn to ensure that he doesn’t miss a single trick around him; he preferred peeing when he was unencumbered by nappies/diapers, which meant universal soaking during nappy change; he liked the sound of the gayathri mantra, especially when it serenaded him while he was swayed in the jhoola; he looked best in pink and white and yellow, bright colors didn’t do him justice; he had long fingers and well shaped hands (in the eyes of his adoring family); he slept only as much was needed and preferred being awake, especially during night time, clearly setting expectations about his habits in his growing years; contradicting all child-management techniques, he didn’t particularly care for sweet stuff, making the process of giving sweetened medicines a little like administering discipline amongst a roomful of school boys; he liked being rocked to sleep while being carried around, any one of these two conditions not being met resulted in an instant awakening and reprimand; he did the crocodile dance when hungry and was nearly as ferocious if you took away the feed while he was drinking (even if it was he who had turned his mouth away); he got too cold and too warm quite fast and triggered real time analysis on linkages between room temperatures and his clothing; and most importantly, he photographed well, coming across as older and wiser, not to mention good looking.

So that’s where the narrative will move now, from words to photographs and videos capturing the life and growth of Aarav Umalker aka Bobo. In subsequent months and years, we will gaze at those images, imagining the gestures that accompanied those moments, and speculating on the personality that fuels those gestures. In the meanwhile, he will grow and form his opinions and likes and dislikes, and will start connecting and disconnecting and loving, and all the while, he will be loved by all and missed by those not with him in person.

I lied - I had a lot to post

This has been an eventful month, though it may not appear to be. At the surface, I am working normal, regular hours…my next role change is awaited and I have taken up some projects meanwhile…the weather is delightfully pleasant…home front is stable…my finances are irregular…my going-out has come down…and so does the simple story continue.

Yet, so much has changed in the past month that I don’t know where to begin. I can start at the most obvious aspect – work. I continue to be surrounded by ambiguity and continue functioning in a consultant mode; I don’t particularly like either but force myself to get used to, because I am developing skills which I didn’t even existed within me. The RMG assignment is much tougher than my Manila one because it requires an equal degree of micro level work and macro level analysis from me, not to mention that its supposed to occupy only 50% of my time, and hence I need to keep thinking of and going back to my “HR” projects, pretty much landing myself in a tizzy!

Its becoming increasingly difficult though to pinpoint exactly where I stand. Feedback is now not just a function of what I am and how I am perceived, but variables such as how people want me to think I am being perceived, what people want me to do etc. also play a role. My deliverables are no longer limited to achieving certain objectives but now include areas like “influencing”. In the midst of this, my knowledge of HR concepts remains static and I am pretty sure that will catch up with me somewhere along the way.

For the first time too, I have put into practice what I have always believed and stood by – that people are not always driven by promotions and monetary growth, which become hygiene factors after a certain while in your career. I have consciously refused to take steps that would have ensured my promotion in a few months and instead taken decisions that may delay my vertical movement but will help me to explore new skills and areas. Considering that these other decisions are also in the BPO ambit (RMG project – business; DCN role – global), I guess I continue following my trend of experimenting within the framework…risk a little, gain a little.

On a side note, will I ever be a risk taker? And hence stand to “gain a lot”? hmmm…

Anyway, the pace of self discovery at work is matched by my personal life too. I am now getting scared of DB’s presence in my life. Somewhere along the way, the sense of madness and wonder got replaced by a feeling of being comfortable and completed, something that I cherish much much more than anything else. My feeling – attachment? involvement? submission? fusion? – scares me, especially because it’s unconscious. One thing I haven’t been able to change about myself (am not sure if I want to either) is that I can’t live wholly in the present. My judgment on the present is always in the context of the past and more importantly, the future. And thus, while I love today, I cannot find myself happy, because my mind keeps wandering to the “when…”, “what if…” questions.

I guess this is the reason why there is inherent instability in the DNA of all such relationships. It’s because these relationships are dictated by individual feelings and changes; lack the support of a socially approved or visible structure and framework; and are conducted within a community that is articulate but invisible, present but secret, progressive but duplicitous. Each person seems to be torn in two different directions…and one is human after all…the most “convenient” direction is the one we ultimately end up taking, never mind the compromise on character, or fulfillment or integrity.

I don’t think it is a coincidence that Mum (and Dolly and Anjan) finally asked, acknowledged and to a certain extent, accepted my inclinations. I have been pushing the envelope in every sphere of my life, and it had to happen here sooner or later. It’s just that the timing wasn’t the best, I would liked to be there in person to talk, discuss, guide, reassure and maybe even plead for forgiveness. Because, no matter how loving or supportive they have been, I cannot rid myself of this tremendous guilt that I have lied, that I have proved myself unworthy of the complete trust my loved ones have placed in me all their lives. Yes, there are logical explanations and no one is pointing fingers, but that doesn’t take away the fact that, for all my moral grandstanding about lies/dishonesty in others’ lives, I have conducted mine with a high degree of duplicity.

So tonight while I sit in familiar settings – my drawing room, eleven thirty on a Sunday night, listening to the soothing whispering of the trees – I am confronted by unfamiliar tableaux at all levels – my skills, my feelings, my character. This, in summary, is the story of 2007 so far.

And I am going back....

It's debatable whether 3 months is considered a suitably long period for developing attachments or is too short or is "just right" to maintain a balance. Its also debatable whether 3 months is enough to bring about long term change or just trigger it off or is it just a stop-gap mechanism. Such questions have been the content of my discussions with colleagues and friends (and in Manila, its pretty much the same set) for the past few days.

For me, personally, I believe that I have developed enough of an attachment to really miss this place, and the people here, when I am gone, but not sufficient to grieve over it. I also believe I have been able to set up a framework for adequate change, provided the stakeholders actually follow it through. Yes, both these statements are guarded and that's probably the new me :)

Contrary to my expectations, Manila turned out to be a genuinely large, interesting city. The malls are I think its main tourist attraction and some of them are not bad at all! Mall of Asia is huge as an airport but pleasant and tasteful and Greenbelt of course is the most beautiful shopping area I have been to (except maybe Dilli Haat!). I have enjoyed the plentiful availability of iced tea, the ubiquity of ACed places/cabs, the Herschey's chocolates, the nice cafes with crepes, the convenience of my location, the ever-friendly people, the helpful staff....oh god, i sound like a travel brochure! But yes, there's very little unpleasant I can think about my stay here....I have a few more hours to go, so I hope I am not tempting fate!

And people. This has been such a challenging assignment, but never stressful. And thats UNPRECEDENTED for me! Its just the culture - more pleasant and calm compared to my motherland - no wonder they think Indians are crazy! Of course there are not-good side effects to this culture, but thats another story....

Thankfully, I made friends here as well, real friends. Pia, Allan etc...friends of a flavor very different from my others, but people I could be comfortable enough to share a lot of personal details with. I hope to continue these relationships.

So now my bags are packed, I will probably have an excess baggage for 10-20 kgs...sigh :) So symbolic, ha ha ha ha ha ha......

The holy trinity :)

I just finished reading It, I think for the second or third time in more than 12-13 years, I am not sure. But even as I was reading it, I could sense what was coming. Sometimes the actual event or incident that lurked in the next page, and nearly always the accompanied emotion. And even before I started the book, I knew I may cry a few time during the reading, and will surely sob at the end. I did. Not sobbing actually, just a very emotional revolt against what I knew to be inevitable, a sense of loss.

And so it is with Gone with the Wind too, equally dark, equally evocative of thoughts around survival, love, power, beauty, discipline, knowledge.

People would think I am crazy. At best, both books are considered huge bestsellers , highly influential in their genre and very respectable additions to any bookshelf. At worst, huge bestsellers. Period.

And yet this is how I feel. Raw involvement. Maybe its to do with the fact that I read them, along with The Fountainhead, at what’s considered the “formative” stage of my life and hence a lot of ideas and emotions expressed in these three books resonated strongly within my adolescent mindspace. I would also like to think, though I am sure it will be heavily argued, that all three are highly underrated in term of literary achievement, though the influence of all three over their respective genres cannot be questioned.

Anyway, suffice to say that in the list of thousands and thousands (and that’s how I say this, with a sweeping air, the words dying off to an awed silence…) of books that I have read, these three stand out for the impact they have on me.

Strangely, I no longer have the original copies which I read...have had to re-buy all three. Which is sad, because there's something about the well thumbed copy that seems so comfortable.

Betu

He grew up in front of me. Played "sabzi le lo". Teased me relentlessly, laughing at his own silliness and my over dramatized reactions. Sometimes I coached him, sometimes I reprimanded him, other times I clutched my head in frustration. I held him in my arms as we both wailed with grief, I made an internal promise that from this day I am responsible for him.

And today he's cocooned in pain. Limited by average intelligence, handicapped by emotional baggage, he's being driven further to insanity by the sheer cruelty of his own mother. We can just support him from afar, assure him of love, clarify his demons, ensure financial smoothness, push him to do better....but at the end of the day, he has to live there, live his own life, and manage to survive.

I wont spend time on how I feel. Terrible, is the best word.

But....what right do I have to expect anything from the DBs of the world, who havent even made a commitment, when I myself have not been able to live up to one of the strongest emotional commitments I have made in my life? I have enough common sense to realise the constraints, but even with those, Mummy, Dolly have been doing more than I am. I have always believed that one reaps as one sows. And its usually been true of my life. I may not have consciously given pain or changed, but I HAVE been negligent of people I truly love and am also sort of responsible for (not that I believe anyone is really responsible for anyone, but still...) and I guess I am just paying for that.

But can I ensure the reverse? Nope. Flaw in my "logic" as usual.

Punches - full blown

24th Jan, 15th March, 3rd May - well timed punches to my stomach, taking the wind out of me, leaving me gasping for breath, reaching out for support that didnt exist, asking myself how I ended up here...all the cliches of a lovelorn idiot.

The reaction detailed above aside, I am not really sure how I feel about all this. As usual, there's no clear overriding emotion. Some anger (but why?? Its not as if its a secret)...some sadness (but why? wasnt it expected?)...some frustration (but why? u r gonna get it anyway)...some feeling-foolish (but why? yr stupid ego is hurt?)...some fear (but why? u heard what he said, didnt u?)...some sense of loss....

Ya, this sense of loss. I think (though I am not sure) everything else I have been feeling is just an addendum to this core. If I hadnt been feeling this sense of loss, I would probably have been able to handle the rest. But this sense of change, of having lost something that I had allowed to become so integral to me - the companionship and communication, of witnessing a dramatic change in behavior - this is what has killed me.

But the worse I get within, the less I will allow it to show. The least I can maintain somehow is my dignity.

They lie...

This stupid TV serial preaches it. Smiling talk-show hosts say it convincingly. Self-help books revolve around it. Some others earn their badge of "fiction" by ending it with this message. Friends say it over cups of tea (or beer), mothers by loading you with food. Loved ones give you the message directly- sometimes explicitly, usually through convenient actions.

Its ok to be happy. YOU (the greatest being ever created) deserve to be happy. Be happy. Be happy. Be happy.

And then they pull the rug right from under your feet. You stumble, grinning wildly as you try to salvage your dignity. Dignity however, is the last thing that destiny has in store for you. You fall and usually get scraped. If you are unlucky, you get fractured. If you are really unlucky, you lose a limb. If you are really really unlucky, you are able to paint a smile and stand up straight again and walk on as if you are ok.

As is obvious, I like to use humor to view tragedy (weeellll....falling down badly IS a tragedy, isn't it?!). It gives me the illusion of being intelligent and in control.

a bunch of fun?

The HR outing yesterday was surprisingly nice! The tiring bus journeys aside, the 6 hours spent there were pretty decent, thanks to the lack of sun (and a spot of rain too!) through the afternoon...something that I had prayed for and the others against!!

But more thanks to the people who had organized it all, yet not organized it to death, another point of the difference in culture...people were inclusive, yet not insistent, everyone doing what they felt comfortable doing....I cheered on at the games (and for my team, which lost!), spent some time lying on the lounge chairs looking at the sea, chatted with friends, had coffee, sat on a rock and got the bottom part of me wet, took some pics....

It was also interesting to see people having fun in groups...thats something I have had relatively little of, partly due to choice and partly the lack of it. I had a lot of it in GK when a kid, thankfully blessed with a large group of friends around the house. The school was the other extreme, I just didnt belong to any group at all, and was pretty much a loner except for Dom. After that, I changed location so many times that its been on-off. 10th - no. PU - no. 1st yr - yes. 2nd and 3rd yr - no. MBA - partly. PSL - no. Acc - sometimes. So overall....sporadic...not too many choices given to me...and I myself usually tend to go for the 1-to-1 type of relationships! Like not gng with the U etc. to Goa, instead heading off to Blr - uff!!!

Most of the times, I am good with it. At the end of the day, I have a vast group of people who care about me, and that's really my blanket. But sometimes, like yesterday, I miss it. Unlike practically everyone else, I dont have any memories of "fun with the gang in Goa"

:)

Eventful week

The hide-n-seek game with DB intensified....

Went to the brink with L and then managed to recover and take a few steps back to safety...

Did some degree of "straight-talk" at work, got some icy responses in return...

Hina announced she's getting married on 27th April, quite quite the whirlwind...

Started feeling BORED...

Clear about the turmoil....

Sudeep: in the past few years, have u ever really compromised on yr beliefs? either did something or accepted something that was intrinsically not you, all the while knowing it wasnt you, yet doing it for compelling reasons?
nowlsays: I have, on quite a few occasions
mostly revolving around my marriage
and maybe a couple of times outside of it
Sudeep: ok...
nowlsays: when reason takes over belief
Sudeep: aah....ok
so u did it when u allowed reason or logic to take over belief
have u ever done it because u felt cornered
knowing that if u dont do it, u wl get hurt now. but i f u do it, u wl get hurt later?
nowlsays: yes, and you can also add love for a dear one as an important reason for it
the hurt was always taken for granted, then or later, mine or my loved ones..I made the choice of later and mine
Sudeep: dont u believe (as i think u used to, like me) that compromising on yr very self, while doing it to preserve something, can go on to actually damage it, thus rendering the compromise futile
nowlsays: yes, I still believe the same
I guess the decisions were to avert the futility right away, and maybe trya nd be indifferent to it.."I'll think abt it when I have tie"
tie=time
Sudeep: ok....
nowlsays: I have felt like Scarlett on so many occasions, and I feel I made choices she wld have as well...
Sudeep: but Scarlett made choices where she accepted 80% of somethig for compelling reasons...yet inside she kept yearning to get 100% of life..
nowlsays: wld be true in my case as well
Sudeep: but the interesting thing is - by accepting 80% at the surface, and internally yearning for 100%, she damaged the 80% as well, reducing it to 60, 40, 20 until nothing was left
nowlsays: yes, that's possible too; but its also possible that you salvage the 80% at least, at times...
Sudeep: yes
its possible
i guess its self control
nowlsays: I guess that happened far too less in her case...she always got what she wanted..but only when she wanted something else..
Sudeep: ok...
nowlsays: why do you ask?
Sudeep: gng thru a terrible time
forced to get down to the basics and questioning basics
Sudeep: which is not such a bad thing, naturally...
makes u get to know yrself better
and the choices that u make in yr tought times reveal yr true self
nowlsays: yes, we need it every so often...but as long as we find the answers and do not find ourselves much altered, its fine
trying times always expose you completely
Sudeep: yes and i dont like the alteration
Sudeep: but if i reject the alteration, i lose something now
if i accept the alteration, i lose myself
Sudeep: if it ultimately comes to this choice, losing myself or losing something that i hold dear -what does one choose
Sudeep: there's no answer to this question
its a gut reaction
nowlsays: I opted for losing a bit of myself, clinging on to the loved ones, coz they far outweighed the bit I was losing; though, on another ground, I may have chosen differently; we all stand our grounds, and the ground we stand decides our stand most of the time
Sudeep: yaaa.....
as of today, i choose to lose a bit of myself. a bit like a bargain with god, i guess. to hold on to something important....
maybe tomorrow, if forced to bargain again or further, i wl reverse the choice...
nowlsays: depending on the ground you stand on then...it sounds like you may not be firm about your beliefs, but I find it as a standing by the belief of having love n faith for your dearest ones
Sudeep: love yes, faith. dont know.
nowlsays: hmm..yes, its love; the faith anyways gets altered when you make the choice
Sudeep: exactly
exactly :(
how can love survive without the faith
wont one feel resentful at the love?
for affecting the faith
nowlsays: unbelievably, i does; may not be of the same thread; but it does remain nonetheless; the bitterness is for a lifetime, no doubt;
i=it
Sudeep: so basically one makes that basic compromise again - i will live with a bit of bitterness and the constant nagging of doubtful faith, because i have the love
nowlsays: yes, it may be in the subconcious, but it never goes away; how cld it, coz it never is the way you exactly wanted it to be...
but we are a strange being..
there are many shades of love, and there are many shades to us..
we only see what we like to see and feel what we want to, and we end up still living with that love, though the underlying faith is wavering
Sudeep: and to me, that state of being has been the ultimate subversion of life and love, the ultimate triumph of the realist of the romantic...and yet i am moving towards it, in wonder and dislike at my own self....
anyway, its an endless discussion.....but thanks for having clarified so much....at least i feel i am not alone....and someone understands the madness of what i am thinking.....

Hot Potato

I still smile when I think of Sidh impulsively calling me a Hot Potato after catching me looking at my cell practically every 10 seconds (ok, fifteen!).

But the laughter is not without its tinge of sadness. When Allan suddenly asked me on Friday night if I feel lonely, I was hardpressed to reply. Because I dont know want to appear as one of those sad, misfitting people in need for company...neither do I want to deny the fact that I AM someone who is close to several people who are my support system, and their absence makes me feel incomplete...and yes, then I do get lonely, like today.

And then I think about how Mum is the only one who consistently makes an effort to reach out to me and talk to me and listen to me while I am here. Other loved ones - DB, U, L, D - make an effort once in a while, but it's more like "this is the way I am, live with it". When they do make that effort, I feel happy and touched, and yet grateful, which is a terrible thing to feel. Yet others wake up to my existence only when I disappear. Like I admitted that I feel lonely sometimes, yes, I do feel hurt too.

Its also ironic how I am in regular touch with so many people I dont particularly care for...yet out of touch with so many close ones. I know whats happening in the lives of distant friends, yet the tragedies and the stresses of the lives of U, D, L pass me by, rendering me a stranger in the lives of the very people who have been part of me.

It saddens me, this breakdown of connect to the part of my life I consider most precious. It angers me, the price I am paying for genuinely great experience and exposure. It scares me, to think of the implications.

On a quiet Sunday evening, with six more weeks stretching before me, this is a good recipe for depression, isn't it. And I cant think of a single, constructive way of approaching this self-piteous mix of sadness/anger/fear. So much so for smart, sensible, positive Sudeep.

my HK trip :)

This was certainly one of the best holidays ever! Outings to attractive tourist places, shopping expeditions, exploratory walks, drinking evenings...all conducted in a cool weather, with convenient transport, polite people and in the company of one of my closest friends....this certainly was one of the BEST holidays ever!

But more than a holiday, its the city of Hong Kong that I am totally fascinated by (and like all my fascinations, maybe even a little in love with!). I dont know what part of my trip enamored me the most...

The area in and around the Central Business District - awe inspiring buildings, the intricasies of streets at multiple levels, the focus and sharpness of the people thronging the sidewalks, the convenient elevated walkways and escalators, the unique, cool eateries, the rightfully expensive stores - its a place that I spent two half-days walking there and yet could easily spend many more! I didn't really have to do anything, I just walked and absorbed and felt very comfortable, yet very turned on.

The sheer option of "things to do" (something I constantly feel the lack of in Blr). Within an hour of your decision, you could be walking along the Avenue of Stars walk along the sea, admiring the skyline and observing the people around you...or you could be on the peak, taking a walk in a quiet lane with the lights of the city twinkling beneath you...or you could be on an island, enjoying the small eateries and a long, picturesque walk...or you could choose from the multiple "types" of markets to explore...or you could visit an entertainment/theme park...sigh...I know I sound like a sales brochure, but I cant get over it.

Like Bombay and Delhi, HK also appeals for those like me who enjoy observing a melting pot of cultures....heavily Westernised, yet unique in its own skin...Chinese influence evident in a lot of explicit and implicit...containing a virtual army of expats, from finance/IT professionals to small time businessmen...this is one city where I could spend as much observing people, as the sights.

I am not denying the appeal of the trips to historical Hampi or breathtakingly beautiful Narkanda...but the appeal of a big, thriving, entertaining, interesting, convenient city is great altogether!

Another experience tick marked....

Last weekend was the quietest weekend I have EVER spent in my life.

There was shopping (!)...and books...and movies...to occupy my time, but NO conversations, NO social interactions, NO errands, NO chores, NO emails - nothing to really absorb the mind.

Hence, 2 days of silence. Complete silence.

I treat this as a positive experience for 3 different reasons...

One, I havent had a weekend like this in months! I vaguely remember having a relatively non-social, at-home weekend sometime in Jan :) but even then, there was plenty of social interaction, at least on the phone.

Two, I am glad of the experience. That, from ultra hyper weekends to ultra quiet ones, I have traversed the range!!

Three, I dont welcome this often though. And I take it as a good sign. Shows that I am alive, not existing. To exist, I just need my time to be occupied with reasonably interesting/entertaining activities. Instead, I still need my mind, my spirit to be turned on.

Cheers!

A pat on the back? or an ostrich egg for breakfast?

Its been 3 weeks. Exactly. To the t. I arrived in this room three Sundays ago at 3:30 pm.

Within a few days, I was comfortable. Actually, I was comfortable within 2 days. A comfy room, malls n theatres around, transportation to work taken care of, positive reaction from office...naturally I was! Then I got to Manila better...the eat, drink, shop and be merry culture...and I became more comfortable. Life became better as I made two good friends, P and Al, cheerful, articulate souls who engaged me and were good hosts. Interesting sightseeing trips, good evening-outs. Active weekends, pleasant weekdays. Chatty conversations and rambling chats. Absorbing books and mixed movies. Lots of avenues for shopping.

So...even though things will slow down after the initial hyperactivity...life seems ok for the coming weeks.

Except (and there's always that word, isnt it??)....except that I miss the comfort of close ones..I am worried that there's still scope for the assignment to be called ineffective...I long for the independence of my own apartment and my own car...I am scared of what this will do to us, to the core.

So, as I act, as I move, as I smile, as I explore....I think and I fear and I worry and I speculate.

But then, as L says, its only the tears and pangs that make the smile worthwhile.

Only I hope there's a smile at the end :)

Nothing works when it doesnt want to...

Movie in the packed darkness of a theatre, a well made, throbbing musical. Favorite songs on the player, eminently danceable. Fabulous top of the line brands with the coolest displays. Diverse crowds in a row of interesting-looking eating places and bars. A continued story line on the QAF soap, 2 episodes. A nice book, charming and funny. Distraction, absorption, entertainment, exhaustion....nothing worked. The mind still ticked, the heart still obsessed and the head still ached. I just wanted a hug.

Imtihaan - The Test :)

I feel cornered. As I indulged in breakfasts and malls, somewhere the ground was moving beneath my feet and I have ended up pinned against the wall, looking on in anguish as the things I love and the things I cherish are stripped away from my body, leaving exposed the hidden, trembling self.

But I call logic to my rescue. And my ego. I am not pinned. Yet. I am not drowning. Yet. What I have written above is probably a taste of what COULD happen. But whether it will happen or not is in MY hands. This time is a test. Of the validity of my professional expertise, of the endurance of my personal relationships, of the strength of my values, of the existence of my survival skills, of my level of awareness of self, of my faith in loved ones. Of my essential belief that the world around is a reflection of what we are, and not the reverse.

Putting structure and words around the nightmarish scenario doesn't make it less fearful, but at least gives me some inner strength to deal with the twilight demons. I wish I could call someone to help me through this, but they are also part of the test, and hence unpredictable.

I wish I could move on quickly and sharply like someone has. But I find it difficult to extricate myself from the deep wells of emotion I have been in. So I need to accept what I am and deal with this "test".

Success but a long way to go

Exactly a week has passed by. I have learnt more about myself this week than I normally would in several. Actually I have learnt more about myself in the past two months than I probably did the entire last year. But then, thats another post.

Right now, I feel a sense of relief - the project is not as complex as I had feared it would be; the situation her is more challenging that I had thought it was; Manila is turning out to be a place where I can think of spending several weeks in; I have started making friends in office; the weekend was not depressing.

But mixed with relief is reality too. Less than 10% of my time is done....eleven weeks are yet to go. Will I survive it well? And what will this do to us? That fear is my reality check.

Lets see....its fingers crossed and a hope in my heart :)

The kiss of memory

I was seized by nostalgia at breakfast. The constant chatter of the Filipino-American family on the next table took me back to that time, oh it feels like a dream, when I had sat in similar buffets with my family, happy about the sausages, smugly sipping black coffee, looking out of the picture windows at the city outside waiting to be explored by me. Many, many years later, I sit on a similar cane chair, looking out of a similar picture window onto a strange city. I am alone, there’s no chatter. Instead, there’s the morning paper and my glass of apple juice and my thoughts on how I will plan my day. Somewhere in the corner is heartache, which I ignore as I don’t want it to color my day. The heartache is kept for twilight hours.

How silly we are to try and visualize the future. How can we presume to think that we can predict the events fate can throw at us or the decisions that we will take? Life is not an algorithm, much to the dismay of control freaks like me. The variables can change mid way and the course of life can often be unalterably deviated in moments. And sometimes we don’t even know what these variables are. Do I know how I landed up here? Do I know how some people entered my life? Do I know why I did some things I did? I look back with surprise - I don’t know! All I know is that I am here. Carrying the past with me, a past filled with memories that come to greet me at the oddest of moments., plunging me into inexplicable sadness And hoping for the future. For love, for peace. And if not that, then faith and courage.

Chatter

I have made a checklist of all that I need to do before leaving. The checklist is divided between my prep for Manila and stuff that I need to put in place for Bangalore. It includes the list of items I need to buy as well. Despite all this, I know I will forget some stuff that I shall remember only later, but what the heck, imagine the chaos if I had NOT done this!

But do I leave with a clean, light heart? No. I am scared and apprehensive about what this will do to what is fast becoming one of the most critical relationships in life. Not that that itself is without some basic issues. In the sunshine of the day, I am able to balance these concerns with the "other shoe" approach and reason out the wrinkles into smooth silence. But in the twilight of sleep they sometimes come back to haunt me. They cause the occasional pouts and silences, otherwise remaining mournfully within. Most logical people will tell me that this is silly and destructive behavior, but when I know there is no resolution possible, I dont see the point of creating unnecessary friction by articulating them. This may be the approach of a quitter, in which I case surprise myself. At least I continue to have that capacity :)

One area where there's no surprise is my reaction to the "others" in his life. I had made a comment in Nov 06 which was a clear articulation of what I felt at that time, as well as what I knew I would continue to feel. There's no right or wrong to it, its just that I belong to a different planet and artlessly facing, literally or not, the past and potential loves of a loved one takes its toll on me. I know I cant do much about it, because this is inherently me, but I will at least try to control my expression of my emotions here and avoid potential fallouts due to this extremely silly (in hindsight) concern.

The entry of people like Man, Such and by extension, Shal, into my life reminds me of that period in 2005 when I felt that my values and priorities were inverted by the mirror of reality. Which is why I am clear that despite occasionally being with these people, they are not "friends" at least not yet. This constant reminder will keep me on my toes in the future...I do NOT want to face that crisis again where my emptiness at spending time with "non friends" causes me anguish and anger at myself. Time is a precious commodity to me, and I can think of many better ways to spend it, including just being with myself.

While on that subject, I have managed to spend time with what I call my "sanity" people - D, U - in the past few days. Today too, I will spend more time with D and hopefully meet L as well. I would be keen to get L's reaction to DB. While D may be more intelligent and U more sensitive, L's instincts are usually the best with people. Furthermore, its the context that makes his reaction more important to me. U has come around to being supportive, D continues to be an irritable ostrich.

At least I am reasonably more occupied at work, as I prepare for the trip - both from an assignment and logistical perspective. As usual, the last week I am sure will be much more hectic than all the previous 3 put together! I am glad, it will prevent me from thinking and worrying.

Right now, the focus is on this weekend. Last weekend was so so nice. This one will hopefully be decent too. At least Sunday evening onwards promises to be fun, provided a certain Kamat agrees - Filmfare awards, Coffee with Karan and Oscars :)

Iggly piggly stuff

There are so many impressions, opinions and thoughts doing the rounds of the concentric circles of my mind that I dont have the energy to even articulate them anymore, let alone record. The careful ironies of middle class "values", the conveniences of relationships, the intricasies of the infidel, the pain of loved ones, the romance vs comfort tussle in a relationship, the beauty of a human mind, the demons of the human soul.....

Some of these are a reaction to the events happening in other people's lives, others are an off shoot of bits of internal flotsam that keep rising to the surface now and then.

Right now, I shall have tea.

:)

Morning Ruminations

Its probably the first time I am blogging early in the morning! It’s a dull, slightly warm morning, very unlike the type I associate with Bangalore. DB’s just left and I am compiling the papers for my visa application while the maid cleans her way through the living room. A look at my last few posts confirms my suspicion – 9 to 5 jobs are not my style. I have barely worked for the past 2 weeks, just kept enough on my plate to get by the day, have been enjoying myself with a lovely evening life and been reading regularly. If I had read this on someone else’s blog while I was in my normal throes of working, I would have been heartily envious, but not now. In perfect alignment with my mother, my idle mind has been occupied with more devils than I care to count, all driving me to the verge of destructive behavior. Thankfully, the two weeks beginning today will be anything but idle, with the preparation for the (hopefully) travel. Prep work for the logistics/arrangements and prep work for the actual assignment. This shall keep the devils at bay, till I am suddenly free again and thought/emotion return. It scares me to even think about that day and so I wont. I shall now take out the clothes for the day and go for my bath.

Dramatic travails of a bruised heart

Picking up shards of broken glass. Snuffing out the blue tinted candle. The stillness in the air. The nagging tooth ache. Donning the black kurta. The aggression of memory – the switched off phone, the 2 day gaps. Yet - no feeling, just blankness. No doubts, just numbness. Sleepy, very sleepy. Woken up by the grind of the house being built next door. Tea, conversation against the backdrop of loud music, canned laughter and grinding. A drop in the car, then back to unhappy, sweaty sleep. Wake up, return to feeling. Doubts, anger. The back aches, the head pounds. Sour faced dentists deliver bad news and cranky horse cart owners dent the car. Meetings cancelled. Mails and messages of conflict and pain. Long drives in sticky weather. Now back to home. Wonder what awaits me? I long for a good ol’ fashioned cribbing session. But can cribbing lighten the load in my heart?

Auto self destruct mode....

I am so scared of being happy. Its as if I am this young, bitter child of the street who knows that the glimpse of luxury doesn't actually mean luxury, that the taste of happiness could be wiped away at one go by the cruel Gods who extract penance for unkn0wn sins I have committed in this or past life.

My fault, or "nadaani" as L would call it, has been that I have treated this fear of happiness logically. You are scared of water, you stay away from it. DOES NOT mean that if you fear happiness, you stay away from it. That's self destructive. And I am conscious that all of us, however "positive" or "optimistic" we may believe ourselves to be, have that self destructive streak in us.

I just hope that my fear doesn't destroy me.

Losing my war against the big C

I do what I think is right, what comes naturally to me. I act and I react impulsively, and I pretty much am myself most of the time. I rarely think about cost/benefit analysis on a day to day basis and I never hold others accountable for what I am doing or what I am responsible for. I express my likes/dislikes, pleasure/irritation points openly and usually let the flow of my thoughts and emotions be governed by the flow of the relationship and the other’s behavior. A lot of times I am told “you do a lot for me/him/her”. I don’t know…I just do what I feel like doing and I am usually willing to lay down my life for the people I love.

All this implies trust. And one trusts on the assumption that that trust wont be abused or broken. What really really gets my goat (as in, gets me genuinely angry as opposed to merely irritated) is when people push the limits on this front – taking my reactions for granted (for example, creating issues that they know are important enough to affect me but small enough for me not to act churlish); manipulating my activities to suit their convenience; physically or mentally exacting a lot from me when they know I cant afford that; making me compromise on what I believe/want, all the while knowing that if I refuse to compromise, I will be forced to make choices which they know I wont.

What they DON’T understand is that even if I am allowing this trust to be abused, my mind may forget but my heart wont. Cracks within always develop into cracks outside sooner or later, and you may think that “I will make up for it tomorrow” but honey, tomorrow cant mend the past, it can only soothe. Another thing – somewhere I would lose that respect for you, and a bit of respect for myself as well; and respect is very very very important to me, the day I feel a sense of loss on that front, I will end any relationship, no matter what the cost.

Naturally, my boiling points are different for different people. And so are my final reactions (for example, with U once, I reached that point after a LOT and even then, I just changed my tactic, I didn’t give up). But it would heed to remember that are LIMITS.

For the past few days, I have been thinking of that. Because a LOT of people, at work and outside, have been behaving this way. Unfortunately most of these people are those who have entered my life recently (i.e. in the past 1-1.5 yrs), making me question my judgment of people.

And the people I am closest to – Mum, U, D, L – continue to be the ones who set the benchmark for being impeccable guardians of my trust.

That’s what keeps me sane. The thought of these wonderful people – whose souls I love, whose characters I respect, whose lives bring me positive – keep the increasing cynicism at bay, the cynicism at the numerous people I find around me who are cheating, lying, manipulating, confusing, avoiding……yes I know this is unnecessarily dramatic, but SERIOUSLY. There is just TOO much negativity!!!! And its making me pissed because I DON’T want to be negative. I DON’T want to think twice before acting. I DON’T want to indulge in psychological warfare. I DON’T want to be careful about what I express. I DON’T want to think about give/take in relationships. I DON’T want to go in with the basic assumption that everyone is out to screw me.

But its becoming an increasingly difficult battle to fight.

Dilution of deserved rewards

I was very happy last night, yet wasnt really able to enjoy the happiness, because of the numerous other related issues clouding my mind. Am just not able to relax, my mind keeps going over those seemingly minor incidents (the 2 day gap, the wrong sms, the switch off) which somehow have a much larger symbolic significance in my mind. The problem is, that there's no clear solution except to make drastic choices, which I dont want to.

What the f**k is this....I deserve my happiness, dont I????? I have been good, I have made efforts, I have changed myself a lot, I have bloody hell been through a bloody hell of a lot....why the f**k cant I have my cake and eat it too for a change???????????

I dont know what this trip is gng to achieve, but even action for the sake of action seems like a diversion to me.

Conflicts and crunches

24th Jan will always be counted as the “sms” day for me. An sms that brought be right back to the basic – How far am I willing to go to save what I cherish? And to what extent will I compromise on my beliefs to do so? Do all such decisions ultimately come down to a cost benefit analysis? How far can I compartmentalize my life? And can I believe that someone else can compartmentalize me to the extent that I am always safe, no matter what happens in the other “compartments”? Can I really view a potentially explosive emotional situation (for me) with a detached eye and take a decision by brain, not heart? When confronted with a conflict between my instincts and my brain, who will I listen to, in a crunch? And, despite my outwardly calm demeanor, a crunch it is.

Yesterday was probably one of the most exhausting days of my life. I was fire fighting and coordinating from 8 in the morning onwards (after having closed the ppt at 2 am and slept at 3 am). I was talking, listening through the day. I was planning minutes/hours in advance. I hardly ate anything normal, mainly survived on cookies and muffins and coffee. I finally ended the day at 11:30 and slept under the influence of a few drinks. All this while, I was thinking….about the changes soon to come, about the possibility of a reunion in the coming week, about the plans that I need to make…..and then, from 4 pm onwards, of all of the questions/thoughts listed above….my brain was whizzing with thoughts I didn’t have time to structure, my heart was wrenched with emotions I didn’t have time classify, and all this while I was this smiling, efficient machine that ensured that the day was smooth and productive for the people I was taking care of.

Today, I will find the silence I need to absorb all of yesterday’s produce. And then I will respond. Yes, respond. Not react.

Judgment and compassion

Opinions vary on whether I am judgmental or not. Some people - having been able to talk to me about their foibles and falls without getting embarassed, having been recipients of a patient, quieter me - think I am not. Others - partners in my thought process, witness to my strong opinions, stand on controversial areas - think I most certainly am.

At the cost of sounding a cliche, I am myself not sure. Because I dont really understand what the word judgmental means. The dictionary confuses me further. It uses the term "to judge" in its meaning and the word "judgmental" includes "to judge" in its meaning :)

Yes, I am judgmental to the extent that I form opinions, I believe in right/wrong actions and I believe that good follows right and bad follows wrong. So I judge events, actions, even words. But people? I dont judge people. I dont classify them. I dont cast them as heroes or villians and I avoid stereotyping as much as possible. I realise people are fallible and they make mistakes, stupid mistakes, terrible one even, that destroy others as much as themselves, but I also believe that it's not my lot to carry out the sentence. Whether it be as a friend, son, brother, confidant or lover, I have to do what I believe is right for me - and that usually means just being there. Because that's what they need.

Has anyone thought about WHY i am so hung up on being clear as to right/wrong, forming opinions and passing judgment left, right and centre? It is not because I perceive myself to be a moral guardian of my world. Instead, its because I realise that most of us dont really have the ability to be truly detached and unemotional enough to carry out actions just as actions, without letting a moral connotation get attached to them.

What this implies is that wrong actions invariably lead to sadness all around. Simple as that. Doing something for the wrong reasons, lying to yourself, lying to someone else - this may get us convenient results in the immediate run (and we think "oh! I am so smart, having my cake and eating it too!") but sooner or later, our guilt or the others' instincts create a cycle of events that usually lead to either pain or inner death.

I realise that I am sounding like a sanctimonious saint here, but truly I am not. I just feel very very sad when I see people going through pain, especially pain that they could have avoided. Or when I see people living lives in a clinical fashion, deriving joy as per convenience...a death I would not wish on anyone.

Drunken ruminations

Friday was when it all struck me. Along with the martinis and the margaritas, I sipped at the crazy cocktail that my life had become. The chill of change, the hint of the past, the sharpness of emotions, the volume of activity, the taste of love, the flow of people...after a long, long time, I was in a state of near inebriation, something I can afford to be only with people I trust. This time, it was Nik.

My head didn't ache the next day, but my heart did, after the morning conversation. I guess one can never escape a hangover.

2006 lists!!

It gets a bit tiring obsessing about yourself and dissecting your thoughts and emotions…I don’t know how others stand it! Yes, am going through a depression….well, so be it. For now, am relegating it to the background. Soon my mind (sub conscious?) will tire itself and join the surface cooler waters.

In the meanwhile, I shall enjoy myself making lists.

The first one, to cheer the fab year that Bollywood has had, is my favorite movies of 2006 –

Top 10

Gangster – hopeless romanticism; Shiney’s eyes; lovely music; great shots and flow
Dhoom 2 – sheer adrenaline; beautiful people; Hrithik = God
Omkara – one of the most well made movies of all time; the intensity; the quieter performances
Rang De Basanti – the sheer idea; the lullaby song; the truly ensemble cast/performances
Don – so much fun!; SRK super cool; well picturised songs
Dor – the uniqueness and simplicity of the story and performanes
Corporate – simple, well told story; Bips’ look
Golmaal – genuinely good comedy; cute Tusshar
Fanaa – here only because of Kajol
Kabhi Alvida Na Kehna – surprisingly better than expected; beautiful to look at; dared to make a movie with dislikable main characters

Runner ups (!!)

Krrish
Lage Raho Munnabhai
Taxi no. 9211
Yun Hota Toh Kya Hota
Mixed Doubles

Disappointments

15 Park Avenue
Bas Ek Pal

Didn’t see (not that I missed anything)

Kabul Express
Babul
Vivah

Last year, I had made a list of "changes" in the list of people I am close to. This time, I am just making a list of all the people I am close to - at the cost of sounding offensive, an inventory so to speak!

Mum, U, D, L, DB (new)

Shk, Shw, Dom, Sidh

H, Sau (up), Nik (up) , Rku, M, Aish, Shal

Ven (down), Sej, Meet (new), Sid, Jas, Am (new), Ar, Ank

Sm (new), LC (new), Son, Poo (down), Shilpa, Amit, Man (new)

K, Lord, V (in and out)

Cant think of any other lists right now....its late at night, and after a highly satisfying conversation, I am happier :)

Stop the lift. Press the Down button

The low is coming on after ages of holding it in check for the constant stream of activities in my life. This time the catalyst is the book I just finished - The Married Man. This book, loaded with emotion and atmosphere, I read mainly in the compressed cabins of airplanes from which there was no escape.

I know that I felt as if I was floating through a graceful dance of recognition and pain, I know that I smiled sometimes and wept twice, I know that the reading of the book was given company by my own set of recollections and thoughts.....but it all seems so blurred now. What was I thinking? What were those memories that those lines triggered off, and why could I remember the feel of those memories but not the details? Mum leading Dad into the bathroom, emanciated and dependent....the phone call last year....the expression on DB's face when he turned around...the tear down L's cheek....the blank, pain hazed stare of Mum....why are all these memories so hazy yet feel so sharp? As time passes, will they morph into one long glaze of sweet pain, the kind that's recalled under the influence of love or alcohol? Will they even be true? Or will they become urban legends of my own mind?

I know I am tired. And angry. Yes, I have accepted the fact that I need to look at life as an overall package. Yes, I know that the deal is that you pay a price for everything you get, and the price gets higher as the things get better. And yes, I have got used to the feeling of always having my heart cut out across cities and always "missing" a loved one. But I am still angry. The anger is doubled because there is really no choice. Or rather, the choice is one that I care not to make.

I know that I need to slow down. But I already am uncomfortably aware that that's one resolution which is not getting actioned this year. If anything, the ambiguity is going to keep me even more on my toes than the last two years put together.

I know that today time stood still. The drive, the shopping, the food, the goodbye. Life is never going to be the same again.

I know this is a low that's not going away easily.

From black to white to grey...turn of the year

I have just finished watching The Squid and the Whale. Though I liked it, I am not sure why it’s been so acclaimed. I am sitting in a heated room under a green blanket with a blank white wall in front of me – the sheer lack of taste, good or bad, is itself depressing. The temperature outside is somewhere in the range of 1 to 5, and that cheers me. Its twelve on the night of the first of January 2007, and for some unfathomable reason I have been avoiding writing about it.

Is it the past?

2006 has had its fair share of ups and downs, but the one thing I am glad about is that, for the first time, I took not one but two leaps of faith and didn’t falter. The year had started with me getting settled into a role that was a significant distance from my responsibilities earlier. I was nervous, tense and yet, thanks to the kind of support being given to me, strangely confident as well. I didn’t think too much about it and just threw myself into work, waking up a few months later to realize that I had passed the litmus test somewhere on the way. I fought another battle with my insecure, cynical self in the second half of the year, when, out of the blue, I was faced with a prospect I had believed pretty much impossible till then. Once again I responded to someone else’s faith and took that leap, consciously avoided thinking about what I was doing and before I knew it, I was in the most wondrous experience of my life.

So why have I been avoiding writing?

Is it the present?

The ‘new year’ is always significant for me because my two most important objectives are to be at peace with myself (so I can think and feel clearly) and have a pleasant Day1 (that sets the tone for the year).

The turn of the year from 2006 to 2007 will symbolize many things for me – love, pain, thought, winter, fog, cold, food, love, activity, laughter, beauty, winter, food, walks, drives, pain.

The experience of being in Simla (and now Narkanda) with the people I am closest to has been great. The biting cold, the constant hunger, the silly laughter, the quiet companionship, the exhausting drives, the beautiful mountains…all have been equally welcome and equally enriching.

So why have I been avoiding writing?

Because of the future?

Well…there are no doubt some tensions. I continue to be worried about Mum’s health (and for that matter my own). My finances are yet to get in order and its high time they did, so that’s something I somehow need to achieve. But there’s a lot positive as well – including the upcoming event in the family and DB. So the overall balance is not too bad (though that too is marred by the anger of distant locations)

I finally arrive at the inevitable - the basic reason for avoidance is what has traditionally been the reason for avoiding anything – fear.

Never before in my life has the future looked so grey, so uncertain, so ambiguous and so marred with conflict. I have no clue what’s going to happen at work – which location or locations will I be in, what role or roles will I do, what my career path is going to be. I have no clue how my family role will pan out – how will mum’s health shape up, what will D & A’s plans work out, what locations we all will be in. I have no clue where I am going with DB or will this stand the test of time and conflicting priorities. And these three priorities….no, let me call them something else….these three parts of my soul may end up conflicting with each other. That’s something I have faced earlier too in my life but have worked hard (very hard) to ensure none suffered. For the first time, I sense a loss of control, a sense of being swept with tides that may dash me against the rocks and break my soul into three distinct parts, thus effectively killing it.

That is what I am scared of. Fundamentally, feverishly scared of.

In the meanwhile, I shall enjoy the balance 3 days of my holiday and start working out the broad “resolutions” for the coming year.

Que sera sera.