In restless dreams I walk alone. Eyes bleary and red, short
of breath for reasons that have no medical reasoning, a mind that refuses to
settle on one point, a heart that flutters but for the wrong reasons, both my
night and day are a stream of wakefulness and restlessness.
Is this as banal as a mid life crisis? Romanticized by me
into something bigger and deeper? As I sometimes sit opposite 25-year olds, I
often wonder whether, on the pretext of changing my mindset, am I struggling to
regain something I feel I have lost or losing or may lose? When I look into the
face of a 35 year old, do I feel that I am looking into a mirror, where lost
hopes and accepted realities and cautious confidence coalesces into the weight
that deadens the eyes and slows the heartbeat? Or is even the thought of that
feeling so horrifying that I , true to my habits, grab it and lock it away
before it has even had a chance to take a deep breath and express itself?
Or is this just change? As I transition from what realists
would call from “one phase to life” to another, am I bound to feel the effects
of those deeper, tectonic shifts that seem be to move the plates underground
and cause tremors on the weaker surface? Long silences with old friends and
skirmishes with new; a lack of projection of confidence for newer, bigger
opportunities; a frantic and unyielding search of what is easily recognizable
as online rubbish; an inability to stay disciplined to the cause of fitness;
the absence of any artistic expression; the conscious shying away from areas
that I know I want to develop; flashes of memory of beautiful times in the past…are they signs of something bigger and deeper
that is happening or about to happen? If yes, what may that be? What am I being
prepared for?
For all is not lost. This is not a life of daily gloom and
shadows that stalk me. Validation of
competence at work. A beautiful night that provides more energy than it takes. The
sudden appearance of an old friend precisely at the time when I need him the
most. A hug from a much-loved child. An unexpected compliment. These are signs
too. Again, I know not of what. Is Someone up there looking after me? Or is my
sub-conscious processing both the tectonic shifts and balancing it with
positive signals? Or am, as I keep reiterating, just a plain ol’ survivor, determinedly
fighting that light within the grey, existential dilemmas and deeper realities
be damned?
I don’t know. And I think my mind and heart is finally tired
of taking that “I don’t know” and shoving it aside for the common pleasantries of
daily life. So I keep walking. Restless. Unsure. Confident. Hopeful. Bored. Nostalgic.
Irritated. Restless. Searching for the sound of silence.