Once again, there are swirls of color around me. Red, green, purple...all tinged with grey and a hint of blackness. It is as if I am viewing a rich tapestry which on a closer look reveals a design that contains no beginning and no end...and when you turn it over, there's just a single color.
Yes, I am being dramatic. Maybe I am just influenced by the latest season of Project Runway that I am glued to right now. Or the hilarious Diary of a Social Butterfly that I am reading. Maybe it's the situations at work which could generate Dilbert strips for another decade. It could also be the virtual blue and orange worlds of the dating apps, reflection a range of sensibilities and attitudes so wide that it could either be the subject of an independent scholarly study or just drive a barely sane person over the tip. People play a part too, the grief and pain of loved ones seeping into your own experiences. Or it could just boil down to the dramatic 20 degrees difference between the maximum and minimum temperatures that eerily reflects the reality.
Because a dramatic difference there is. Even as life throttles along like an ageing Rajdhani determined to prove its worth in a faster world, I tip-toe along the sides of holes that promise an entry into a labyrinthe I most certainly don't want to get into. I dont even know where the darkened paths start and where they end, if they do. At each step, choices befuddle me as one appears more uninteresting than the other. And the ones that dont, seem to be closed to me. It could be some weird version of a video game too, where the moment I pay attention to a choice it becomes unavailable to me. In which case it's my own mind playing games with me. And that's another path altogether. A path that I probably do need to trudge down though. Because the others are not going anywhere. And by extension, neither are my career or relationships or my skills.
I remember the Katy series...which included a title called What Katy Did Next. For some reason, I keep remembering the series and that book. Because what I do next is something that's never clear to me. The gap between what I can do, want to do, should do, will do, and am offered to is often too wide. But again, maybe it isn't. Maybe the gap is only in my mind. But do I have the strength to try and deal with that gap, and all that it entails?
Or should I let it be? Sit on the train and get off at whatever station seems reasonably attractive? And till then, live with the swirls of color around me. Boredom, restlessness, inertia, irritation, energy, speed. All with that tinge.
Yes, I am being dramatic. Maybe I am just influenced by the latest season of Project Runway that I am glued to right now. Or the hilarious Diary of a Social Butterfly that I am reading. Maybe it's the situations at work which could generate Dilbert strips for another decade. It could also be the virtual blue and orange worlds of the dating apps, reflection a range of sensibilities and attitudes so wide that it could either be the subject of an independent scholarly study or just drive a barely sane person over the tip. People play a part too, the grief and pain of loved ones seeping into your own experiences. Or it could just boil down to the dramatic 20 degrees difference between the maximum and minimum temperatures that eerily reflects the reality.
Because a dramatic difference there is. Even as life throttles along like an ageing Rajdhani determined to prove its worth in a faster world, I tip-toe along the sides of holes that promise an entry into a labyrinthe I most certainly don't want to get into. I dont even know where the darkened paths start and where they end, if they do. At each step, choices befuddle me as one appears more uninteresting than the other. And the ones that dont, seem to be closed to me. It could be some weird version of a video game too, where the moment I pay attention to a choice it becomes unavailable to me. In which case it's my own mind playing games with me. And that's another path altogether. A path that I probably do need to trudge down though. Because the others are not going anywhere. And by extension, neither are my career or relationships or my skills.
I remember the Katy series...which included a title called What Katy Did Next. For some reason, I keep remembering the series and that book. Because what I do next is something that's never clear to me. The gap between what I can do, want to do, should do, will do, and am offered to is often too wide. But again, maybe it isn't. Maybe the gap is only in my mind. But do I have the strength to try and deal with that gap, and all that it entails?
Or should I let it be? Sit on the train and get off at whatever station seems reasonably attractive? And till then, live with the swirls of color around me. Boredom, restlessness, inertia, irritation, energy, speed. All with that tinge.