My sad moments

While it is not my place to decide what is sad and what is sadder, what is less painful and what is more, for me personally there is nothing more heartbreaking than the loss of a young life. I realise that I cant do much more here than recount clichés, but truly, whether it be in life or death, is there anything more de humanizing than the loss of potential?

The book I was reading on Saturday night ended with the death of the protagonist’s best friend, an eight year old girl. The entire scene and the ones leading up to it were so touchingly, simply described that I could not help breaking down. And could not help thinking about similar scenarios that I unfortunately have been part of.

My first encounter with the death of a young one was when I was 14. A younger boy who used to travel in the same school van as mine died, I don’t remember how. I remember feeling bad but not really thinking about it. Until, that is, when we passed his house the next day and saw his mother standing at the gate, sobbing and saving to the van passing by. That’s when the gaping hole hit me – between “being there” and then, suddenly, not being there.

A year later, I had just moved from Blr to Del when Dom wrote to me that Reetobhash, a classmate and a decent friend, had cancer. A few months later, he told me, in a tearful letter, that he had died. This time the sense of loss was more personal, more real. Again, a sense of wonderment – I had just left him a few months ago, and how he just didn’t exist anymore.

The next again, it was news of a friend in another city. This time it was Deepti, and I was in Del. I had been with her through some pretty tough times, with her bf and her parents. She had been a messed up kid but her life was finally back on track. And yet it was not be. Possibly due to her ex’s machinations, she died a sudden, painful death. A smart, pretty, fun loving girl – the flame was wiped out in seconds, leaving her loved ones devastated.

The same year, it was another death that rocked me – Ashu. We are still not sure how it happened, though it seems pretty certain it could have been murder. But that’s not important. What’s important is that he was mad in love, and mad is the right word. And despite the cautionings of well wishers like Mum, he hurtled down the mad path of love, till tragedy struck. This was someone I had grown up with, been intimate with, relied upon, fought with. He had his whole life in front of him – he was a kind, street smart, funny, crazy boy and he deserved his life. At the sight of his body, I experienced a near loss of control, a sense which I hope I shall not feel soon again.

And so it has been. Recently too, the incident regarding Prateek (Ank’s flatmate) and his death (dengue, for god’s sake!!!!) again shook me – a young guy with a tragic life behind me, starting out a afresh. And now LC’s friend’s daughter’s death – once again, a medical complication gone bad. And whoosh – a 21 year old life snuffed out.

I cry; for a moment, I imagine myself in the shoes of the parents and their grief stricken lives ahead. As I said, I cant be presumptuous enough to declare that any other kind of grief is any lesser. But there is a sadness to these deaths that strikes right at the middle of my stupid, cynical, tired heart.

And last night, those moments were very, very, very sad.

Pagalpan and peace

A few weeks ago I was going through some archives in this blog and realized that a significant change, amongst others, was the increasing frequency of posts around specific themes as opposed to generic updates when I started blogging! I guess its something to do with the fact that I refined my writing to a point where I wrote only when I felt I had something really substantial to share with myself.

Anyway, today I just want to take a quick snapshot of my life, especially this month!

More than anything else, its been mentally exhausting (there I go with my theme again!). But seriously, this month I have been thinking on all fronts possible!

Despite claiming to be completely switched off at work, I am still affected by the issues here, whether it be my business or my team. After all, I have been associated with both for so long and its certainly not possible to just detach myself and move on. Hence, concentrated thought has gone into team’s individual issues and points around coaching, development, promotions, transition and so on. More than thought, heartburn actually! At the fact that potential has still not been realized and long term growth is still not being taken into account. Mixed with the heartburn is some degree of guilt, because after all I am the supervisor and hence responsible. Maybe I haven’t done enough?? More thought, more introspection.

Similarly issues in the business continue to affect me – attrition, leadership, new initiatives, blah blah blah. This is not just thought but extensive meetings/discussions around these areas where I have been forced to think and articulate and in some cases, commit. More than the team, it is this area that has also caused some degree of emotional exhaustion because this is my baby that is being discussed and planned for. Its part of me.

Which is why the ongoing transition is critical to me – to ensure there are no slippages, no discontinuities and maybe, somewhere, I leave a legacy that’s remembered. Sigh.

Speaking of parts, there’s a new part of me which has surfaced which I never knew existed, a very demonstrative part. Forget about others who have known me for a long time, even I get slightly freaked out when I think about it or observe it from a distance. But then, why should I think or observe? When I am “in” it, I am perfectly comfortable and feel perfectly natural. Which is why I don’t say I have changed, its just that a part has come out with a catalyst called DB. Dealing with it, of course, has taken time, and yes, that’s part of the mental exhaustion thingy.

This also seems to be the time of the year for practically everyone to face upheavals/changes in their lives – Dolly, Sau, Ven, Nik, Rku, Ank, Arj, Mum, U, Dar – the past 3 weeks have had in depth conversations with ALL of them! And I constantly feel guilty about the ones who I know are going through a lot but haven’t reached out to me and so have not got attention – Shal, Shk, Betu. In addition, I am not practicing what I preach – that just because someone hasn’t got issues doesn’t mean they get neglected – Hin, Jas, L, Shw etc etc etc. All these above thoughts have been occupying a significant amount of mindspace.

Not that I have completely recovered from the emotional rigors of the previous few weeks - job, K, Mum etc etc. Every now and then, there's the sudden knot in stomach, a rush of recent memory drawing me into momentary pain and confusion.

Plans for the future – next 1 month, next 3 months, and next 1 year – are another focus area (yuck yuck yuck, I am fed up of my language!). First, Dec – trips to Bbay, Kerala, Hyd and Delhi – all in a space of 1 month!!!!!!!!!! Then the onsite thing –how, when and for how long….god knows. Then the next year – I need to make some decisions here, am just thinking the ratio of heart/mind that I should use. Or maybe I should use my basic principle – using the heart as a decision making tool is ultimately using the mind!!!

Thankfully, all this “thinking” - past, present and future - has ensured that I haven’t “felt” too much, especially the feelings of the negative variety!

Considering that the thinking is soon going to be accompanied by hectic physical activity as well, I hope that the emotional roller coaster is stable enough and doesn’t start moving too fast!!!!! Else I am surely headed for a breakdown.

Which will bring me back to one of the recurring themes of this blog! Ha! Ha! Ha!

But yes, in the middle of this constant "exhaustion", there's peace.

The morning sms and the night chat, the sense of peace and love.

The tea, the laughter, the bitching, the comfort.

The online chat with Mum, the connect, the familiarity, the depth.

The drive home, the clarity, the space, the music.

Its these crucial moments that make my day.

Another visit to my fantasy

Unusual positions, innovative environments and experimental foods aside, one area of so-called "fantasy" for me has been Bombay.

I maintain that this city calls out to me. The largeness/anonymity feel, the energy and the bustle, the contrasts, the studied attitudes, the worship of consumerism, the recognition of night as part of day, the presence of the sea and hence things to do - it resonates with me.

Others maintain its my fantasy. That I love Bbay because I view it as the ideal vacation place, that I dont know the realities of living there. That I belong to Blr and Bombay will "suck my soul" and leave me unhappy and drained.

I submit that both the realities above, contrasting as they might be, are equally real. First of all, cant fantasies become reality? And reality need not always turn out pleasant, right? Isnt taking risk a part of life?

I continue to be attracted to the idea of moving there, even if as an experiment. Recent events make me feel that destiny is finally giving me a push in a direction which, it realises, I havent been in for fear of moving out of comfort zones.

Is it time?

p.s. I had a lovely, lovely weekend in Bbay, hence the post.

Missing a part of myself...

The rumbunctious sounds of the Don soundtrack fill the room....I have just come back from a pleasant, activity laden afternoon with U...am looking forward to drinks n dinner with Nik...have got a book I cant wait to get my teeth into.

And yet, all the while, I carry this ache around with me, a small piece of me that remains empty, yearning for the missing link that will make it whole.

Unfortunately, my life across the cities of Del-Blr-Chn-Dhk (and now Bom) has ensured that I am uncomfortably familiar with this feeling. Its the feeling of being torn, of wanting to be in two places at once....its the feeling that first makes me want to hate life and what it does to me and ends up making me want to hate myself for what I am and why I let life do this to me. Its a sweet feeling for all the nice memories it brings to me and its incredibly sad when it reminds me of what I am missing. It tickles me alive all over when it strikes all of a sudden and leaves me dead when it gets defeated and recedes.

Its the feeling I had guarded against for so long and had even pretended to forget it existed. But its back now, and I can no more pretend it doesn't exist than I can that I myself dont. Like the one I love, this feeling too is a part of me. A constant reminder of the pain that accompanies all happiness.

Until I find the missing link, the piece that I believe makes me whole.

Me and the Zodiac

Over the years, my fascination with Zodiac signs has only strengthened, upsetting the common notion that such interests are usually just teenage fascination! Of course, this could also mean that I am stuck in time, which is not far from the truth either! I do wish, however, that I had carried this interest further and deeper and not just been restricted to the Linda Goodman’s brand of literature. However, even with that, I have enjoyed myself thoroughly and it’s been a highly interesting journey of revelations about others, and self.

I say self, because that’s the direction in which this interest has moved. From my energies being focused on “guessing” (with approx. 75% accuracy) other people’s zodiac signs, and then predicting their behavior etc, I have grown more and more interested in my own equations with zodiac signs, the impact that certain people have on me and patterns that develop over time.

In the past few years, some of the interesting observations I have noted are given below – the most significant element is that my relationship with a particular sign is so reflective of the behavior associated with the sign! It makes me wonder whether I am in control at all or not!

· Capris - The number of Capris I know or am friendly with are less....but I certainly get along well with them! I also have the strangest association with them as well – because they are diametrically opposite to me, but then that’s probably the root cause of the (fatal) attraction – as I keep saying, cold Capris are a perfect foil for my madness J. But seriously, I submit my soul only to the altar of the dominant Capri. – Shk, H, DB

· Aquarians – invariably the people I have an instinctive liking for in a new group. I guess that’s natural because of the kind of personalities they have. But it’s a little more too – their strong individuality combined with a sense of fun appeals to me! Another strange thing is that I know several Aquarians with the same birth dates – 23rd Jan and 4th Feb being the most common. However, the relationships are usually not that long lasting or deep (Sidh being an exception), once again a function of the sign itself I guess. – Shef, Sidh, K, Son, Vik.

· Geminis – all my life I have avoided them thanks to Dolly. And suddenly from 2003 onw, I have a plethora of G friends! And yes, there’s no pattern in my relationships with them, ranging from highly inconsistent to very stable. The only common element is – humor and conversation. – Shw, Ven, Poo, Rku, Dom

· Librans – like the sign itself, my relationships with them too are blow hot-blow cold. Sudden surges of affection or chemistry can be followed by stronger drafts of coldness or just “deadness”. But the depth of feeling is usually strong and in some cases the impact of things going wrong can be harsh. – Sid, Lord, Jassi, Vky, J

· Scorpios – intensity signifies the sign and that’s what I am attracted TO. Usually the “silent waters run deep” types, I have had plenty of the “meeting of the mind” conversations with people of this sign. The other trend here is – the relationship is either very short or very long. – D, Eug, Jyo, Meet, LC, Ar

· Arians – the proverbial dark horses are thus in my life as well. Never having top of the mind recall when I think about signs I get along best with, people belonging to this sign have had the maximum influence on my life. Some have been just catalytic in their influence, changing the entire course of my life with their words or actions while others are less direct, influencing my thoughts and actions on a day to day basis. – Amit, L, Ank, M, Nik, Aish, Ruch, Am

· Pisces, Virgos, Sagis – no patterns at all. U, Sau and Shal are the singular friends I have from these signs. I am not getting into why I don’t get along too well with these signs, that’s another (less interesting) analysis that I am unwilling to invest in!

And where are the Leos??? Ha ha ha ha ha!!!!!

The landing

Before I knew it, the music had reached its crescendo. But somehow, it didn't feel like a dramatic renouement. Instead it was smooth. Exciting, but smooth. Tingling, but smooth. Exuberant, but smooth. The eagle, to borrow a cliche, had landed.

DB's holiday turned out to be mine too, one of the bestest ever. In so many ways that I know I would be doing an injustice to try and put them down on paper, I just dont have the talent. I can close my eyes and remember the conversations, the incidents, the expressions, the laughter, the bitching, the wonder, the drives and the walks, the silences and the words.....but no, I just dont have it in me to capture it.

But naturally, nothing is absolute. Complications, and pain, comes with the package. I can just echo what I have said on this blog (unfortunately too many times) - nothing worthwhile ever comes easy.

And I haven't really been known to take the easy routes, have I?

:)