Yes, this feeling of "the body n soul re-awakening" described in my previous blog, continued. I know that for a fact because I have felt low/depressed/in turmoil several times over the past 2 weeks. Welcome back to the rollercoaster.
The weekend was great - a total orgy of eating and drinking. The momentum picked up slowly through Saturday - bowls of watermelon, mugs of beer. The evening, our quartet gathered at the latest watering hole (aptly titled Oblivion!) and made merry till the wee hours of the night, downing everything from rum to vodka to wine, dancing to everything from rock to bhangra to techno. Action moves to my place - long chats on everything under the sun (or moon!), a long drive on the highway, an early morning snack at the airport cafe and back to end when the oldies start coming out for their walks. 3 hours of sleep and I am up, reading the papers and sipping tea. The crowd awakens, a new addition to the orgy team. And we are off again - this time its a champagne brunch at the Leela Palace. 3 hours of gossip n laughter, 7 loaded plates of food - cheeses, salads, soup, rice n curry, desserts, accompanied by live music and pink champagne, spent in a lovely large room filled with a good crowd, looking out on landscaped gardens. Sleepy, happy, we congregated near the garden, lying quietly in the breeze, sipping coffee. The momentum was dying down. The evening was alone at home, with a good book, sipping tomato juice, feeling sick and happy.
And now its Monday and I am in office, clenching my fists as I read irritating mails or listen to nagging commands.
Sigh.
In the middle of this chaotic, muddy world, I create a small space where I hope inspite of everything....basically, i blabber on all and sundry and hope that somewhere i contribute something. To myself, at least.
Monday, March 22, 2004
Sunday, March 07, 2004
The old self peeped out
On Friday evening, at the end of a conversation (something which I haven't had for a long time), L told me "Wake up".
A little startled by this sharp, incisive, accurate comment of his, I spent the weekend observing how I had been sleeping.
Saturday was idyllic. Shopping with Venkat, then a long, leisurely lunch (Italian), then window shopping again....then dinner at Sameer's with the gang (and the crowd).
But then, the plan was to party through the night. And that didnt happen because Pooja wasnt well and Shweta said she was too tired. First disappointment, Venkat a little angry. Finally, the three of us just sat in the enclosed park under Sameer's apartment and had a gala time doing a post mortem of the party, plus sundry other topics! At the end of it, I felt like going for coffee, but no takers. Shweta sleepy n Venkat irritated.
But inspite of the overall good day, I reached home (at 2 am) feeling restless and vaguely unhappy. Didn't torture myself further that night, all under-the-surface thoughts n emotions were parked for the next day.
Sunday was a day of reflection. Had a lazy afternoon at Barrista. Read (and finished) "Ripley's Game". Lounged in the comfy chair, felt the wind, looked at the landscaped gardens & the waterfalls...and thought.
Sleep. "How" is one asleep and at the same time active??
By never remaining alone with one person for more than 2/3 hrs at a time. Because its difficult to keep up a charade after that time, its easier to lose a bit of control and let your self - your thoughts, your reactions - leak through the pancake.
By conditioning yourself not to depend/expect/demand. And if by any chance, you actually end up in a normal relationship, condition yourself not to show that you depend/expect/demand.
I slipped up on both on Saturday. I treated Venkat, Shweta like friends. And hence, the restlessness, the imminent hurt.
The theory (so to speak) was tested on Sunday evening, during an hour long conversation by Shekhar (our longest in 2/3 yrs, I think!). L's words ringing in my mind (wake up), I dispassionately dissected the conversation as it happened, comparing my responses and his impressions, with what I remembered 3/4 years ago. The drastic difference was not so suprising. As I have constantly noted in these blogs, the undercurrents of change have been swift, effective and not unnoticed.
But what was different now was that I was actually waking up. I actually wanted to scream, and explain and talk and cry. I didn't want to lie ; or pretend ; or present a controlled picture. I wanted to be myself.
Thankfully, I checked myself in time.
And today I am back. Back to being the self I have conditioned myself to be. With remembrances of the weekend when someone else peeked out.
Do I want to wake up?
Its scary.
A little startled by this sharp, incisive, accurate comment of his, I spent the weekend observing how I had been sleeping.
Saturday was idyllic. Shopping with Venkat, then a long, leisurely lunch (Italian), then window shopping again....then dinner at Sameer's with the gang (and the crowd).
But then, the plan was to party through the night. And that didnt happen because Pooja wasnt well and Shweta said she was too tired. First disappointment, Venkat a little angry. Finally, the three of us just sat in the enclosed park under Sameer's apartment and had a gala time doing a post mortem of the party, plus sundry other topics! At the end of it, I felt like going for coffee, but no takers. Shweta sleepy n Venkat irritated.
But inspite of the overall good day, I reached home (at 2 am) feeling restless and vaguely unhappy. Didn't torture myself further that night, all under-the-surface thoughts n emotions were parked for the next day.
Sunday was a day of reflection. Had a lazy afternoon at Barrista. Read (and finished) "Ripley's Game". Lounged in the comfy chair, felt the wind, looked at the landscaped gardens & the waterfalls...and thought.
Sleep. "How" is one asleep and at the same time active??
By never remaining alone with one person for more than 2/3 hrs at a time. Because its difficult to keep up a charade after that time, its easier to lose a bit of control and let your self - your thoughts, your reactions - leak through the pancake.
By conditioning yourself not to depend/expect/demand. And if by any chance, you actually end up in a normal relationship, condition yourself not to show that you depend/expect/demand.
I slipped up on both on Saturday. I treated Venkat, Shweta like friends. And hence, the restlessness, the imminent hurt.
The theory (so to speak) was tested on Sunday evening, during an hour long conversation by Shekhar (our longest in 2/3 yrs, I think!). L's words ringing in my mind (wake up), I dispassionately dissected the conversation as it happened, comparing my responses and his impressions, with what I remembered 3/4 years ago. The drastic difference was not so suprising. As I have constantly noted in these blogs, the undercurrents of change have been swift, effective and not unnoticed.
But what was different now was that I was actually waking up. I actually wanted to scream, and explain and talk and cry. I didn't want to lie ; or pretend ; or present a controlled picture. I wanted to be myself.
Thankfully, I checked myself in time.
And today I am back. Back to being the self I have conditioned myself to be. With remembrances of the weekend when someone else peeked out.
Do I want to wake up?
Its scary.
Thursday, March 04, 2004
Chewed up.
The wedding was a "milestone" sort of event, on which I would have a lot to say,think....record. No time.
At night, I say to the taxi driver "Induction" instead of my destination Indiranagar. This has happened thrice.
Yesterday, as I left the house in a zombie like state, I locked my flatmate in. Got called when I had reached office.
And today, I forgot Unni's birthday. More than anything else, this shook me.
My life has really got chewed up.
At night, I say to the taxi driver "Induction" instead of my destination Indiranagar. This has happened thrice.
Yesterday, as I left the house in a zombie like state, I locked my flatmate in. Got called when I had reached office.
And today, I forgot Unni's birthday. More than anything else, this shook me.
My life has really got chewed up.
Took a pysch test after ages!!!
Big 30 Test Results
Sociability ||||||||||||||| 46%
Aggressiveness |||||||||||||||||| 54%
Assertiveness ||||||||||||||||||||| 66%
Activity Level ||||||||||||||||||||| 66%
Excitement-Seeking ||||||||||||||| 50%
Enthusiasm ||||||||||||||||||||| 70%
Extroversion |||||||||||||||||| 58%
Trust ||||||||||||||| 50%
Morality |||||||||||||||||||||||| 74%
Altruism ||||||||||||||||||||| 70%
Cooperation ||||||||||||||||||||| 66%
Modesty ||||||||||||||| 50%
Sympathy |||||||||||||||||||||||||||| 86%
Friendliness ||||||||||||||||||||| 66%
Confidence ||||||||||||||||||||| 70%
Neatness |||||||||||||||||| 58%
Dutifulness |||||||||||||||||||||||| 74%
Achievement ||||||||||||||||||||| 70%
Self-Discipline |||||||||||||||||| 54%
Cautiousness |||||||||||| 38%
Orderliness |||||||||||||||||| 60%
Anxiety |||||||||||||||||| 58%
Volatility ||||||||||||||| 50%
Depression ||||||||||||||| 46%
Self-Consciousness ||||||||||||||||||||| 62%
Impulsiveness |||||||||||||||||||||||| 74%
Vulnerability ||||||||||||||| 50%
Emotional Stability ||||||||||||||| 44%
Imagination ||||||||||||||||||||| 70%
Artistic Interests |||||||||||||||||| 58%
Introspection |||||||||||||||||||||||| 78%
Adventurousness ||||||||||||||||||||| 70%
Intellect ||||||||||||||||||||| 66%
Liberalism ||||||||||||||| 50%
Openmindedness ||||||||||||||||||||| 65%
Accuracy: - 5 high 4 3 2 1 low
Big 30 Key
Sociability ||||||||||||||| 46%
Aggressiveness |||||||||||||||||| 54%
Assertiveness ||||||||||||||||||||| 66%
Activity Level ||||||||||||||||||||| 66%
Excitement-Seeking ||||||||||||||| 50%
Enthusiasm ||||||||||||||||||||| 70%
Extroversion |||||||||||||||||| 58%
Trust ||||||||||||||| 50%
Morality |||||||||||||||||||||||| 74%
Altruism ||||||||||||||||||||| 70%
Cooperation ||||||||||||||||||||| 66%
Modesty ||||||||||||||| 50%
Sympathy |||||||||||||||||||||||||||| 86%
Friendliness ||||||||||||||||||||| 66%
Confidence ||||||||||||||||||||| 70%
Neatness |||||||||||||||||| 58%
Dutifulness |||||||||||||||||||||||| 74%
Achievement ||||||||||||||||||||| 70%
Self-Discipline |||||||||||||||||| 54%
Cautiousness |||||||||||| 38%
Orderliness |||||||||||||||||| 60%
Anxiety |||||||||||||||||| 58%
Volatility ||||||||||||||| 50%
Depression ||||||||||||||| 46%
Self-Consciousness ||||||||||||||||||||| 62%
Impulsiveness |||||||||||||||||||||||| 74%
Vulnerability ||||||||||||||| 50%
Emotional Stability ||||||||||||||| 44%
Imagination ||||||||||||||||||||| 70%
Artistic Interests |||||||||||||||||| 58%
Introspection |||||||||||||||||||||||| 78%
Adventurousness ||||||||||||||||||||| 70%
Intellect ||||||||||||||||||||| 66%
Liberalism ||||||||||||||| 50%
Openmindedness ||||||||||||||||||||| 65%
Accuracy: - 5 high 4 3 2 1 low
Big 30 Key
Tuesday, March 02, 2004
A poem that Darshan sent me. Startling.
Why do I write
Is it because I have to
Is it because I love to
Is it because I am really good at it
Am I good at it
No I'm not
Yes I am
Not you're not
Yes you are
Who's that?
That was me
Talking to myself?
Was I
Am I neurotic
Or do I just pretend to be
To convince myself that
I have an interesting
personality Do I
Am I
Am I
Not I'm not
Yes I am
No you're not
Yes you are
Does it come naturally
Or is it just a stream of consiousness
One more of my fundas If you will
Is it because I have to
Is it because I love to
Is it because I am really good at it
Am I good at it
No I'm not
Yes I am
Not you're not
Yes you are
Who's that?
That was me
Talking to myself?
Was I
Am I neurotic
Or do I just pretend to be
To convince myself that
I have an interesting
personality Do I
Am I
Am I
Not I'm not
Yes I am
No you're not
Yes you are
Does it come naturally
Or is it just a stream of consiousness
One more of my fundas If you will
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