Saturday, May 09, 2015

In restless dreams I walked alone...


In restless dreams I walk alone. Eyes bleary and red, short of breath for reasons that have no medical reasoning, a mind that refuses to settle on one point, a heart that flutters but for the wrong reasons, both my night and day are a stream of wakefulness and restlessness.

Is this as banal as a mid life crisis? Romanticized by me into something bigger and deeper? As I sometimes sit opposite 25-year olds, I often wonder whether, on the pretext of changing my mindset, am I struggling to regain something I feel I have lost or losing or may lose? When I look into the face of a 35 year old, do I feel that I am looking into a mirror, where lost hopes and accepted realities and cautious confidence coalesces into the weight that deadens the eyes and slows the heartbeat? Or is even the thought of that feeling so horrifying that I , true to my habits, grab it and lock it away before it has even had a chance to take a deep breath and express itself?

Or is this just change? As I transition from what realists would call from “one phase to life” to another, am I bound to feel the effects of those deeper, tectonic shifts that seem be to move the plates underground and cause tremors on the weaker surface? Long silences with old friends and skirmishes with new; a lack of projection of confidence for newer, bigger opportunities; a frantic and unyielding search of what is easily recognizable as online rubbish; an inability to stay disciplined to the cause of fitness; the absence of any artistic expression; the conscious shying away from areas that I know I want to develop; flashes of memory of beautiful times in the past…are they signs of something bigger and deeper that is happening or about to happen? If yes, what may that be? What am I being prepared for?

For all is not lost. This is not a life of daily gloom and shadows that stalk me.  Validation of competence at work. A beautiful night that provides more energy than it takes. The sudden appearance of an old friend precisely at the time when I need him the most. A hug from a much-loved child. An unexpected compliment. These are signs too. Again, I know not of what. Is Someone up there looking after me? Or is my sub-conscious processing both the tectonic shifts and balancing it with positive signals? Or am, as I keep reiterating, just a plain ol’ survivor, determinedly fighting that light within the grey, existential dilemmas and deeper realities be damned?

I don’t know. And I think my mind and heart is finally tired of taking that “I don’t know” and shoving it aside for the common pleasantries of daily life. So I keep walking. Restless. Unsure. Confident. Hopeful. Bored. Nostalgic. Irritated. Restless. Searching for the sound of silence.

Monday, January 26, 2015

Vignettes from Rishikesh


The sugar sinks to the bottom of the glass of mint tea looking like white dust in a sky of green, eerily reflecting the color of the water a hundred feet below me. It’s a peaceful green somehow, not a weedy shade that one would expect from rivers in India, nor the pulsating green of the tormented seas. This is a green at peace with itself, serene in its own position as a symbol of what is possibly the most feted celebrity in this country, the river that gives its name to countless persons and establishments across the world, the river that provides livelihood to millions of people who serve the needs, and desires, of people like me.

That is a term that is hard to apply here though. “People like me” could mean just about anything and nothing. This cafĂ© for example, like many others, is like a brochure that paints a desperate picture of multi-culturalism, with a menu that echoes its customers. A pair of young and astonishingly pretty German boys is smoking, tucking into a hearty breakfast, exchanging occasional laconic sentences that are the result of years of familiarity. A group of Americans on another table converse excitedly about their footwear, therapies for a bad back, the symbolism of the color red and their love for omelettes. A Korean girl sitting alone at a table tries to figure out how much to pay for the bill, her embarrassed smile responding to the patient one of the waiter’s.

I can also hear the sounds of another group of people from the lane right below me. Large families trooping in from towns all around, seeking salvation or at least a glimpse of it in the temples and banks of the holy city, even as the foreigners take the path of yoga and weed. Everyone loves capturing the moments though. Even here, the old and the new collide and then co-exist. A random selection of pictures of Rishikesh will reveal many selfies with those familiar pouts, even as there are an equal number of the traditional poses of children with scowls and women with suspiciously narrowed eyes standing against objects which could be considered of interest, e.g. a bridge or a famous temple.

Looking into this melee of diverse humanity, one could fashion oneself as an “observer” or “interpreter” or “narrator”, or any other interesting word that found on the blurbs of brightly colored book covers. Until one steps right into it.

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A foot pokes into my back and then withdraws. A few seconds later, there it is again. I shift a few inches to the front. Then a flick from a cloth on my head. A poke from a foot again. I give up trying to concentrate on the bhajans and finally look up. A large purple flower printed on a synthetic yellow fabric pulsates in front of my eyes. Before I could congratulate myself of having got into a psychedelic trance without the ingestion of any substances, I realize that what I am seeing is a corner of a salwar kameez that belongs to a woman who is dancing. Now dancing is a rather vulgar term for someone who’s clearly under the spell of the evocative bhajans, being belted out at full volume by young priests (who interestingly look as well groomed as salesmen in an upmarket mall, but that’s another story). Then I realize there are actually two of them, pleasant looking, “healthy”, middle-class, middle-aged ladies dressed identically in brightly patterned salwar-kameezes, under a dark colored cardigan and a red shawl. The same shawl that flicked me, and I was happy to note, others.

I try hard to not keep looking; after all, religious fervor is a private and individual expression. But something about the dance makes look back again, some memory trying to surface into my consciousness through the sensory overload. I get it. Their moves are strikingly similar to those of the thousands (okay, hundreds) of women I have seen dancing to brass bands in wedding baraats. Come to think of it, it’s not just the moves. Here too, they seem to be enjoying themselves without a care in the world, even as they keep an eye who’s watching. Sure enough, a moment later, I hear the familiar strain of “aap bhi aao”, uttered to a young European girl whose eyes and mouth had been wide open for a few minutes now. Now the eyes gleam, the mouth snaps shut, and she jumps into cleared area (yes, we have all moved back a few feet) with all the determination (and grace) of a newly converted zumba dancer. The click of the smartphone cameras now takes on a new high, competing with the beats of the tabla and strain of the harmonium, and do I detect a hint of peevishness of the faces of the singing priests as the video camera moves from them to the whirling dervishes (sorry, ladies)? Never mind, I am sure it will generate more footfalls the next day for the “maha-arti”, absolutely the event of the day.

A few minutes later, the arti is completed. The yellow fire of the lamps burns brightly against the ochre of the sky and Ganga seems to approve. As I walk away from the brightly lit ghat where the arti was held into the darkness of the streets behind, the noise, the activity, the crowd, the smells just melt away. All that remains is the chanting in my ears, “gurudev bolo…” and it seems to calm and warm me on this winter night. I smile at the fast receding memory of the dancing ladies and walk on.

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Jagged rocks hang above me and if I were more imaginative, or this were night instead of day, I could attribute a more menacing air to them. But right now they are just pitiful, rocks ravaged by landslides, a rude reminder of how commerce has made this terrain so vulnerable that sights like this are as common as stray dogs feasting on piles of rubbish, children peeing on the sides of the road or SUVs filled with tourists causing traffic jams.

The urban chaos recedes into comparative silence as one keeps walking into the hills above the city. The concrete jungle of small hotels, guest houses, dharamshalas and “cafes” gives way to the boundary walls of more comfortable resorts where smartly dressed men and women go about their business of pampering travelers that seek salvation through comfort. Packs of younger boys and girls, many as part of corporate outings, drive by in vehicles imprinted with the names of the multitude of adventure companies that run their business in their area, promising a few hours of adrenalin pumping that could be perceived as exciting or terrifying (more the latter if I read the faces of the group correctly).

One keeps walking, the road on one side and the river on another. And suddenly I am at a corner where I can see the spread of the river across miles. The water glides majestically below me, resplendent in green, fresh from the exertions of rushing down the mountains, now seeming to pause and take a deep breath before it plunges into a landscape that’s weighed with expectation. As if to complete the picture, the rain stops suddenly and a rainbow appears, creating a perfect arch between two hills, a smile that speaks of wisdom far beyond the comprehension of the teeming masses below.

The smile disappears, and clouds gather again. The light falls steadily, and the chill in the wind is now driving people off the streets. I resolutely stand my ground on the hanging bridge, the Laxman Jhula, ignorant of the stiffness in my legs or the whistling in my ears. The river is now not just gliding, but tumbling in haste over hidden rocks. The moon makes a wistful appearance and casts a pale silvery glow on water that’s now as magically turbulent as it was serene a few hours ago. The temples bells ring out, possibly for the last time that day, seeking to drown out the strident murmurs of the remaining crowds, the screeching of the monkeys, the rattling of the vehicles in the distance, the insistent chatter of the inner voice. Only the sounds of the temple bells and the roar of the river remain, a divine reminder of our own insignificance, causing spirits to soar and sink at the same time.

There’s someone else walking by now. A sadhu. Brown eyes look kindly at me, under a head that’s piled with braids a stylist would approve of. In perfectly unaccented English, he asks me if I would like the best marijuana in the world. I smile and shake my head, thanking him for the offer. He smiles back, but his eyes don’t, as they search for someone, or something else. And I walk away too, searching for something, or someone else.