When I am down and out, I try all sorts of tricks to get myself back up again, but normally reserve the trump card for the rarest of circumstances, because I know how precious it is – i.e., just connecting with loved ones. The peace I get just listening to the voice of someone who genuinely cares…believes…loves…heals me.
Except now. With that terrible hollow feeling in the middle of my stomach, I spoke to several people over the weekend, starting Friday evening to now. No difference.
Maybe it’s because this hollowness springs entirely from within, with very little relation to the surface. An all-time low on confidence. This is the first time in my life, I think, that I feel completely “un-desired”. Desire is a fanciful word but I use it deliberately. I have always felt wanted and desired. By colleagues...by team members…by business partners…especially by my bosses…by friends…by acquaintances…by lovers…even by strangers. I am not saying that I was like a superstar…but at any particular moment in time, when I suffered a crisis of confidence, I could think of someone who desired me. Who wanted me.
I don’t mean to particularly sound like a self pitying victim, but that’s just not the case right now. Both at work and my social life, I have never felt so decimated, so mediocre. Like a member of the large masses who angle for a piece of the juicy cherry but need to remain satisfied with lesser fruits. And being a part of the large masses…now that’s a new feeling.
So maybe I set in motion more things than I had anticipated. As I deliberately threw myself out of a so-called “comfort zone” at the beginning of the year, I knew I would feel challenged, depressed, lonely, frustrated at different times for different reasons. But this – the decimation of self – is not something I had thought I would encounter. I didn’t want it either. I have a feeling this could lead to something more permanent. Something deeper. And not something I could swing around and give a silver lining. There’s no silver here. Only grey.
Except now. With that terrible hollow feeling in the middle of my stomach, I spoke to several people over the weekend, starting Friday evening to now. No difference.
Maybe it’s because this hollowness springs entirely from within, with very little relation to the surface. An all-time low on confidence. This is the first time in my life, I think, that I feel completely “un-desired”. Desire is a fanciful word but I use it deliberately. I have always felt wanted and desired. By colleagues...by team members…by business partners…especially by my bosses…by friends…by acquaintances…by lovers…even by strangers. I am not saying that I was like a superstar…but at any particular moment in time, when I suffered a crisis of confidence, I could think of someone who desired me. Who wanted me.
I don’t mean to particularly sound like a self pitying victim, but that’s just not the case right now. Both at work and my social life, I have never felt so decimated, so mediocre. Like a member of the large masses who angle for a piece of the juicy cherry but need to remain satisfied with lesser fruits. And being a part of the large masses…now that’s a new feeling.
So maybe I set in motion more things than I had anticipated. As I deliberately threw myself out of a so-called “comfort zone” at the beginning of the year, I knew I would feel challenged, depressed, lonely, frustrated at different times for different reasons. But this – the decimation of self – is not something I had thought I would encounter. I didn’t want it either. I have a feeling this could lead to something more permanent. Something deeper. And not something I could swing around and give a silver lining. There’s no silver here. Only grey.