absolutely unrelated collection of thoughts

1. "down, down, down, down....." - I went down, down, down, down....and when I hit rock bottom in the past 2-3 weeks, I am (hopefully) back on my way up, getting back on track.

2. Never, ever thought I would actually quote Sex n the City anywhere (so much pop philosophy irritates me, unless I am the source!), but last night's episodes has 2 lines that actually hit home - "why do we let the one thing we don't have affect our perceptions of everything else we do have?" and "why do we always jump to believe the worst we hear about ourselves but never the good things?"

3. Read Tuesdays with Morrie - another first. It was more of a reaffirmation of myself - I am a survivor; and I create my own culture, precedence be damned.

4. C3G - Chemistry, Comfort, Companionship and a sense of Growth. Isn't this a fabulous beginning?? Then why does the fairy tale have to crash????

Weather? or weather vane for my soul?

While I keep talking about the "glorious" weather and hows its not allowing me to work, this is actually not true at all.

Truly glorious weather means breezy days, partly cloudy/partly sunny, the brightness of gulmohar, the hint of smiles. Those days I feel cheerful and exuberant and most importantly, peaceful. That peace gives me the power (for want of a better word) to do anything I want - blissful vegetation or hectic socialising or even work!

Today's weather speaks glory in an entirely different way. Its the glory of grey skies that spread with deceptive calmness, hiding behind them the turmoil that gave birth to them. Its the glory of past sins and impending doom; the fury and the madness that precedes tears. This glory cajoles my soul into dancing on hot coals; it induces thought, and emotion...all somehow, inextricably, linked to pain. I cant work.

Three times lucky

This is the third "nice" weekend I have had and considering the roller coaster nature of daily life, I consider that quite lucky.

The first was slow, introspective, pleasurable, painful - a bit of solitude, a bit of partying, a lot of companionship.

The second was therapeutic - silent connect with strong foundations, books, movies.

And this one was...I cant find an appropriate word and will settle for "wide ranging"!

> A wide range of movies - from Fanaa (disappointing, Kajol great, some nice moments) to Da Vinci Code (boring; the book MUST be more interesting!) to X Men 3 (high voltage drama n action - great fun!) to Vaastu Shastra (2nd viewing, only the good scenes) to The Ring (watched at 1 am, surrounded by absolute silence, loved it!!)

> A wide range of people connect - from faffing with older n newer baggage (H, K); to short encounter with the online kiddo (A); to long chat with an occasional friend (Son).

> A wide range of meals (!) - from a steak n martini quickie in a packed, pulsating restaurant; to a typical pub lunch of fish n beer at my fav fp; to a long, leisurely multiple course dinner on a candle lit courtyard with the sound of trees as background music!

Missed -
People....U, D, L. Couldn't respond - Shk, Shw, Aish. Couldn't connect - sigh.
Books....old ones left pending; growing list.
House work...glass, bed, curtains.

Hence agenda for this week and the coming weekend is decided!

alive or just mad????

Thursday, 25 May.

I got depressed because of the blow to the pride caused by the lower ges scores. I laughed like a maniac at the crazy conversations with friends at work. I was irritated by being forced to act as PA to my team. I was intrigued by a short and unexpectedly positive conversation with someone i chatted with for the first time. I was upset by the changes in mood of a close friend. I watched helpless as a loved one struggled through his demons. I got involved in a project that actually set my grey cells working. And I got hugely embarassed (and panicky) at a stupid, stupid thing that I did.

So was I alive? Or was I mad??

I miss so many people today. I want to just chat and ramble.

Doomed by the demons

Two stories over the past few days - one real life (K n V) and one semi real (gangster) - propel me to feel the pain our demons inflict on love...and think about it.

Can we ever escape them? Or do they just become dormant after some time? Can they be overcome? As a romantic, I would like to believe that pure love supplies the strength to do so. But how many believe that? Its essentially our belief that drives us to survive. And how many recognise it? We spend our lives in relatioships with people who cannot provide (for want of a better word) us the strength and growth we need to defeat the demons; and ignore, for blinkered reasons, the ones who have the potential to.

These demons exist within us - the baggage and the history; the blinkers and the crisis of faith - and we end up becoming our worst enemy. Clutching to us what we want and driving away what we need.

This rational conclusion doesn't prevent me from feeling the pain; from crying at the pain of others; from laughing at the traps I knowingly step into; from clutching my body with the sheer effort it takes to just believe; from feeling helpless as I watch loved ones battle their demons, knowing that I have the answer but it's of no use unless they find it themselves.

pennies for my thoughts?

Even though I am steadily switching off at work, professional life continues to be a medium of self exploration and discovery.

My relationships, especially with my team, were viewed in a fresh light (how hackneyed can I be!) during the two days of leading edge workshop. I realized what I was doing right and I understood what I had to do more. More importantly, I figured out where I was coming from. So many of my actions are triggered by the thought of “this happened with me, I wont let it happen to my team” and this is in consonance with my feelings in my personal life as well. In both professional and personal spheres, the worst feelings I have encountered within myself have been that of loneliness and helplessness and my determination is not to let that happen to the people whose lives I do, or can, impact.

Another realization, more saddening, is that my relationships (team) still lack the depth I would ideally like them to have. I approach this with the practicality I apply to my life as a whole – one can’t have everything, it’s all a trade off – but when I think about what I really want to be, and have the potential to be, I feel sad about it. More than anything else, it is this thought that has made me determined to change the pattern of my work content and free up time. After all the arguments I have heard from Lak and Nav (and practically ignored), I finally found the most compelling one within myself. Typical of me.

Focus moved from internal me to others in the Friday offsite meeting. For the record (not that this record is being published anywhere), that was the best meeting I have ever been part of at Accenture. Watching R in action was a learning experience like no other. His control of the subject, his control of the room, the sense of inclusion, the constant thread of humor, the underlying positivism, the presence of perspective - I wish I could have video recorded that one hour performance to watch it again and again as I struggle to recall the key messages to be internalized. The ensuing discussion along with PV and RV was thought provoking in a different way. What makes some people decimate while others grow? What triggers the drive in a person as well as the self destruct button? How much of “me” is me and how much of “me’ is others? I don’t even know whether answers exist to these questions but I do know that these questions are a must to be asked, an internal checkpoint, a sort of weather vane.

And finally, this two day trip to Chn. My first visit to this centre and I am struck anew by the thought of organizational culture. The set of behaviors and practices that, day by painstaking day, builds up into something bigger and stronger that we loosely define as culture. And how this set of behaviors and actions is dictated by a myriad of influences, from individual personalities to cultural backgrounds to the physicality of the environment. In fact, do the wide corridors and large cabins of this centre have anything to do with the mess that this deal has been in since inception? Or is it the green psychedelic carpet? Colors, auras, aromas, vastu – so many areas to be explored, so much attraction. Like a beautiful young woman hidden by a veil a la music videos.

The other aspect of this visit was me. Again. My unexpected sense of alienation when I arrived there (despite the fact that this was my own organization, there were people there who I knew and who would take care of me, and the business was the same); my ability to adjust in a fresh physical space; my sense of connect with people I was meeting (and training) for the first time; my sense of challenge at conducting conversations with fresh customers who viewed me without baggage. All observed and recorded through a constant dialogue within myself. I am afraid that one day I will meet someone who can listen to this internal dialogue. And then I am gone.

More thought provoking were two conversations with Vip n Nkj, as we exchanged notes on people around us and the effect this lifestyle was having on them. Its really unusual how work, at a root concept, is meant to provide our lives with meaning and purpose and identity and yet increasingly it seems to be doing the opposite. Irrespective of the challenges we thrive on and the money we enjoy and the authority we exert, if we end up becoming someone we don’t like, is it really worth it?? Sooner or later, I find people asking this question. Some find the answer (usually a no) and then either make deep rooted changes or go into a downward spiral. Others do a cost benefit analysis of the effort involved when answering this question and choose to ignore it and go to sleep. I wonder which is wiser?

Linked to this is the thought of the balancing we do (or rather, need to do) internally. I realize that I am only scratching the surface here but the thought of this flow of positive and negative continues to fascinate me. Every single action, every single event – our work, our conversations, our food, our outing, our silences, our activities - takes something from us and gives something back. The trick is to keep it balanced…and maybe even positive….i.e., a state where you get more from life than you are putting in! I wonder how many of us reach that stage when most of our days are spent in just minimizing the negative inflow into us.

I should have more thoughts on this front, but I am shocked at how much I have written. This is probably my longest post ever. To be ended now.

Pain, relief and hope

I type this out bleary eyed in a plane seat, occasionally staring out at the grey skies, sometimes pausing to reflect how I am imitating the very action I get irritated by in others. As recent events have taught me (again), never say never.

There are jailbait like air hostesses (guest service associates?) in tight red outfits smiling pleasantly and handing out plastic goodies. People around me are absorbing the news of the day with an attention equal in intensity to the apathy they will show when finished with the papers. And I sit here typing away badly crafted sentences. I am hungry too.

And yet this normalcy on the surface makes me laugh as I contrast it with the swirl of thoughts and emotions that’s beneath it.

I can’t and don’t really want to capture the details of the past few weeks and the events that have tired me. I knew that the days were getting heavier, that I was feeling an increasing lack of control, that balls that juggled well earlier were slipping now, that I was approaching parts of my mind that had been carefully ignored so far.

But never did I realize the extent of the pain and exhaustion that had seeped my soul until I spent the last few hours with U. The sense of relief provided by his presence indicated how much I needed it, and yet hadn’t acknowledged. In a few hours, I had accomplished what would have otherwise been a life long exercise…stripping and dissecting and digging and crying and laughing.

Give me love any day. Over romance, over excitement, over sex, over adoration, over fun, over all these elements that provide us momentary relief as we struggle through our daily lives. Give me love – the purity, the security, the kindness – any day.

It has given me the strength to look at reality and wonder at the people who have dominated my mindspace for the past few days. And I smile to myself. It’s a smile of amusement, and sometimes of sadness. I remember fights, I remember animated conversations, I remember the chemistry, I remember the silences. With K, a recent whirlwind. With L, an old anchor. With Sm, a new presence.

I wonder what the future holds for me. With U’s decision, it’s actually a turning point in my life as well. I know that I have been moving towards this point for the past two years and I am mentally prepared for it. Coinciding as it does with other (equally emotional) events set in motion by M, I have a feeling this portends a far deeper, more significant shift in mindset, approach, behavior and lifestyle than even I expected. But I am prepared. In a way, the exhaustion of the soul over the past few weeks is welcome. It’s made me stronger.

I hope.

Cocoon?

For a day, just for a day, I made a bargain with God. And defied the laws of nature. I stopped time. I shut out the world and welcomed the pleasure...and the pain, from within.

I removed all context and viewed only the core of the being - the "real" person. I removed blinkers and adjusted multiple realities. I ignored the signboards of the mind and acknowledged only the signals of the eyes.

It may or may not be significant. It may or may not be right. It may or may not have implications. For once, I am not inclined to think through. Questions can be kept on hold. Right now, I will come back to reality and deal with the immediate week ahead. As will others.

After all, tomorrow's another day.

aakhir kyon??

I have no clue why I put this title...I am not wading through any existential crises neither am I submerged under the cruelties of the world. I am just in the mood to faff.

And why am I in the mood to faff?

Had a really crazy day. Had a crazy week. Am going to have a crazy fortnight. The cockroaches at work have been crawling up the skin. The loved ones are exploring their emotional demons to the fullest. The transactional issues lurk snake like beneath the surface, glittering with danger signals. The heart decides to add to the fun and drum up a storm worthy of gothic novels. The radar works...then fails...then works...then misses some signals.

Yes, I am in the mood to faff.

Kabhi Haan Kabhi Naa

I would like to post about the long weekend that just passed, but there's too much to record. All I can say is that parts of it were unexpectedly turmoilish and other parts of it were unexpectedly pleasant.

I seem to have wandered unawares to a point where there are clear choices to be made - professional, personal, emotional. And most are inter linked. I could lie awake at nights thinking each option through, exploring linkages and basically constructing decision trees in my mind. Or I could pretend that I have no choices, don my blinkers until they are ripped off by circumstances. Or I could operate on a gut n luck, as described (in a deceptively simple manner) by the poem below -

A Pyshcological Tip

Whenever you're called on to make up your mind,
and you're hampered by not having any,
the best way to solve the dilemma, you'll find,
is simply by spinning a penny.

No - not so that chance shall decide the affair
while you're passively standing there moping;
but the moment the penny is up in the air,
you suddenly know what you're hoping

-- Piet Hein

My state of mind in the coming months shall be an indication of the effectiveness of this approach. God Bless.