meaningful conversations?

A winter shock came in the form of Unni dear calling up and asking how my year was!

Well, we had a near meaningful conversation after that...albeit a shortish one. This was the second one after the one we had a few weeks ago, on that fight with his cousin etc.

Does this signal the change of tides...? This has been a significantly Unni-less (in fact, intimacy-less) year.....is the theme for next year going to be different?

More on this "year...theme...change..." thing next week

Poem

Went to a few blogs after a looooooong time today..!

Eric had posted a blog asking for poems....made me suddenly remember a poem which had really affected me. Posted it in his comments section (tho I know he probably wont like it)....copying it below. Love the words, they are an elegant reflections of my feelings.
(sigh!)


A Wistful Thought

I am wanting for a friend
whose nature is akin to mine
and likes the paths I wander in
of tall black forest trees
and ocean beaches combed by wind,
with rocks of drying seaweed
for a seat, to rest and talk.

We'd walk amongst the sandpipers
and speak of lonesome times,
of how, when mixed with
family or neighbor kind, we
each had often felt
most singular and set apart;

and how, though separate
and still unmet, the two of us
had shared a wish to be
in conversations, glad and free,
with one who'd feed the growing trust
of the other's pilgrim heart.

On the verge

Suddenly......yes, suddenly....all the energy seems to have been sapped out of me. '
I drag myself out of bed each day, sleepwalk through the rest of day, a fixed smile on my face (that often slips, prompting the explanation "I am not well"), barely managing to get some work done, to keep the gaadi going...always on the verge just giving up, just sitting down and not getting up again.

Books dont thrill me, comedies don't make me laugh...the troubles of loved ones leave me with a sense of regret and a faint memory that I used to get affected more...in some lifetime.

Maybe this is my subconscious self reacting to the forced high levels of energy/positivity that I have sustained for several months now. Maybe its a reaction against the "dont think,dont feel" stance, which has resulted in an accumulation of sludge. Or then, it could be my self-preservation instinct kicking in, preparing for the onslaught of work and tension that is certain over the next 3-4 weeks.

Maybe. Who knows? I am certainly not thinking it through. And I certainly dont have people left who can help me think it through.

When will I get free?

Drifting....shitty feeling....this is what my prev blogs were about.
I have no change to report, the feelings intensify with the added ingredient of a bit of confusion n regret thrown in.

First - it is a stranger (relatively...Vicky) who makes me realise the change in me...the automatic suppresion of feelings, the negation of involvement.
Second - it is a stranger (kpmg auditor) who makes me realise how less I think now.

Third - it is my best friend who makes me realise why this is so - why I have stopped thinking n feeling.

welcome break and a shitty feeling

Rushed off to Ooty for the weekend with Darshan. Beautiful, relaxing. Chilly, misty weather. Chocolates and walks.

Now back to office - Irritation, exhaustion. No time for the rest of my life. No conversations. No thoughts, no ideas.

Shit.