Dilution of deserved rewards

I was very happy last night, yet wasnt really able to enjoy the happiness, because of the numerous other related issues clouding my mind. Am just not able to relax, my mind keeps going over those seemingly minor incidents (the 2 day gap, the wrong sms, the switch off) which somehow have a much larger symbolic significance in my mind. The problem is, that there's no clear solution except to make drastic choices, which I dont want to.

What the f**k is this....I deserve my happiness, dont I????? I have been good, I have made efforts, I have changed myself a lot, I have bloody hell been through a bloody hell of a lot....why the f**k cant I have my cake and eat it too for a change???????????

I dont know what this trip is gng to achieve, but even action for the sake of action seems like a diversion to me.

Conflicts and crunches

24th Jan will always be counted as the “sms” day for me. An sms that brought be right back to the basic – How far am I willing to go to save what I cherish? And to what extent will I compromise on my beliefs to do so? Do all such decisions ultimately come down to a cost benefit analysis? How far can I compartmentalize my life? And can I believe that someone else can compartmentalize me to the extent that I am always safe, no matter what happens in the other “compartments”? Can I really view a potentially explosive emotional situation (for me) with a detached eye and take a decision by brain, not heart? When confronted with a conflict between my instincts and my brain, who will I listen to, in a crunch? And, despite my outwardly calm demeanor, a crunch it is.

Yesterday was probably one of the most exhausting days of my life. I was fire fighting and coordinating from 8 in the morning onwards (after having closed the ppt at 2 am and slept at 3 am). I was talking, listening through the day. I was planning minutes/hours in advance. I hardly ate anything normal, mainly survived on cookies and muffins and coffee. I finally ended the day at 11:30 and slept under the influence of a few drinks. All this while, I was thinking….about the changes soon to come, about the possibility of a reunion in the coming week, about the plans that I need to make…..and then, from 4 pm onwards, of all of the questions/thoughts listed above….my brain was whizzing with thoughts I didn’t have time to structure, my heart was wrenched with emotions I didn’t have time classify, and all this while I was this smiling, efficient machine that ensured that the day was smooth and productive for the people I was taking care of.

Today, I will find the silence I need to absorb all of yesterday’s produce. And then I will respond. Yes, respond. Not react.

Judgment and compassion

Opinions vary on whether I am judgmental or not. Some people - having been able to talk to me about their foibles and falls without getting embarassed, having been recipients of a patient, quieter me - think I am not. Others - partners in my thought process, witness to my strong opinions, stand on controversial areas - think I most certainly am.

At the cost of sounding a cliche, I am myself not sure. Because I dont really understand what the word judgmental means. The dictionary confuses me further. It uses the term "to judge" in its meaning and the word "judgmental" includes "to judge" in its meaning :)

Yes, I am judgmental to the extent that I form opinions, I believe in right/wrong actions and I believe that good follows right and bad follows wrong. So I judge events, actions, even words. But people? I dont judge people. I dont classify them. I dont cast them as heroes or villians and I avoid stereotyping as much as possible. I realise people are fallible and they make mistakes, stupid mistakes, terrible one even, that destroy others as much as themselves, but I also believe that it's not my lot to carry out the sentence. Whether it be as a friend, son, brother, confidant or lover, I have to do what I believe is right for me - and that usually means just being there. Because that's what they need.

Has anyone thought about WHY i am so hung up on being clear as to right/wrong, forming opinions and passing judgment left, right and centre? It is not because I perceive myself to be a moral guardian of my world. Instead, its because I realise that most of us dont really have the ability to be truly detached and unemotional enough to carry out actions just as actions, without letting a moral connotation get attached to them.

What this implies is that wrong actions invariably lead to sadness all around. Simple as that. Doing something for the wrong reasons, lying to yourself, lying to someone else - this may get us convenient results in the immediate run (and we think "oh! I am so smart, having my cake and eating it too!") but sooner or later, our guilt or the others' instincts create a cycle of events that usually lead to either pain or inner death.

I realise that I am sounding like a sanctimonious saint here, but truly I am not. I just feel very very sad when I see people going through pain, especially pain that they could have avoided. Or when I see people living lives in a clinical fashion, deriving joy as per convenience...a death I would not wish on anyone.

Drunken ruminations

Friday was when it all struck me. Along with the martinis and the margaritas, I sipped at the crazy cocktail that my life had become. The chill of change, the hint of the past, the sharpness of emotions, the volume of activity, the taste of love, the flow of people...after a long, long time, I was in a state of near inebriation, something I can afford to be only with people I trust. This time, it was Nik.

My head didn't ache the next day, but my heart did, after the morning conversation. I guess one can never escape a hangover.

2006 lists!!

It gets a bit tiring obsessing about yourself and dissecting your thoughts and emotions…I don’t know how others stand it! Yes, am going through a depression….well, so be it. For now, am relegating it to the background. Soon my mind (sub conscious?) will tire itself and join the surface cooler waters.

In the meanwhile, I shall enjoy myself making lists.

The first one, to cheer the fab year that Bollywood has had, is my favorite movies of 2006 –

Top 10

Gangster – hopeless romanticism; Shiney’s eyes; lovely music; great shots and flow
Dhoom 2 – sheer adrenaline; beautiful people; Hrithik = God
Omkara – one of the most well made movies of all time; the intensity; the quieter performances
Rang De Basanti – the sheer idea; the lullaby song; the truly ensemble cast/performances
Don – so much fun!; SRK super cool; well picturised songs
Dor – the uniqueness and simplicity of the story and performanes
Corporate – simple, well told story; Bips’ look
Golmaal – genuinely good comedy; cute Tusshar
Fanaa – here only because of Kajol
Kabhi Alvida Na Kehna – surprisingly better than expected; beautiful to look at; dared to make a movie with dislikable main characters

Runner ups (!!)

Krrish
Lage Raho Munnabhai
Taxi no. 9211
Yun Hota Toh Kya Hota
Mixed Doubles

Disappointments

15 Park Avenue
Bas Ek Pal

Didn’t see (not that I missed anything)

Kabul Express
Babul
Vivah

Last year, I had made a list of "changes" in the list of people I am close to. This time, I am just making a list of all the people I am close to - at the cost of sounding offensive, an inventory so to speak!

Mum, U, D, L, DB (new)

Shk, Shw, Dom, Sidh

H, Sau (up), Nik (up) , Rku, M, Aish, Shal

Ven (down), Sej, Meet (new), Sid, Jas, Am (new), Ar, Ank

Sm (new), LC (new), Son, Poo (down), Shilpa, Amit, Man (new)

K, Lord, V (in and out)

Cant think of any other lists right now....its late at night, and after a highly satisfying conversation, I am happier :)

Stop the lift. Press the Down button

The low is coming on after ages of holding it in check for the constant stream of activities in my life. This time the catalyst is the book I just finished - The Married Man. This book, loaded with emotion and atmosphere, I read mainly in the compressed cabins of airplanes from which there was no escape.

I know that I felt as if I was floating through a graceful dance of recognition and pain, I know that I smiled sometimes and wept twice, I know that the reading of the book was given company by my own set of recollections and thoughts.....but it all seems so blurred now. What was I thinking? What were those memories that those lines triggered off, and why could I remember the feel of those memories but not the details? Mum leading Dad into the bathroom, emanciated and dependent....the phone call last year....the expression on DB's face when he turned around...the tear down L's cheek....the blank, pain hazed stare of Mum....why are all these memories so hazy yet feel so sharp? As time passes, will they morph into one long glaze of sweet pain, the kind that's recalled under the influence of love or alcohol? Will they even be true? Or will they become urban legends of my own mind?

I know I am tired. And angry. Yes, I have accepted the fact that I need to look at life as an overall package. Yes, I know that the deal is that you pay a price for everything you get, and the price gets higher as the things get better. And yes, I have got used to the feeling of always having my heart cut out across cities and always "missing" a loved one. But I am still angry. The anger is doubled because there is really no choice. Or rather, the choice is one that I care not to make.

I know that I need to slow down. But I already am uncomfortably aware that that's one resolution which is not getting actioned this year. If anything, the ambiguity is going to keep me even more on my toes than the last two years put together.

I know that today time stood still. The drive, the shopping, the food, the goodbye. Life is never going to be the same again.

I know this is a low that's not going away easily.

From black to white to grey...turn of the year

I have just finished watching The Squid and the Whale. Though I liked it, I am not sure why it’s been so acclaimed. I am sitting in a heated room under a green blanket with a blank white wall in front of me – the sheer lack of taste, good or bad, is itself depressing. The temperature outside is somewhere in the range of 1 to 5, and that cheers me. Its twelve on the night of the first of January 2007, and for some unfathomable reason I have been avoiding writing about it.

Is it the past?

2006 has had its fair share of ups and downs, but the one thing I am glad about is that, for the first time, I took not one but two leaps of faith and didn’t falter. The year had started with me getting settled into a role that was a significant distance from my responsibilities earlier. I was nervous, tense and yet, thanks to the kind of support being given to me, strangely confident as well. I didn’t think too much about it and just threw myself into work, waking up a few months later to realize that I had passed the litmus test somewhere on the way. I fought another battle with my insecure, cynical self in the second half of the year, when, out of the blue, I was faced with a prospect I had believed pretty much impossible till then. Once again I responded to someone else’s faith and took that leap, consciously avoided thinking about what I was doing and before I knew it, I was in the most wondrous experience of my life.

So why have I been avoiding writing?

Is it the present?

The ‘new year’ is always significant for me because my two most important objectives are to be at peace with myself (so I can think and feel clearly) and have a pleasant Day1 (that sets the tone for the year).

The turn of the year from 2006 to 2007 will symbolize many things for me – love, pain, thought, winter, fog, cold, food, love, activity, laughter, beauty, winter, food, walks, drives, pain.

The experience of being in Simla (and now Narkanda) with the people I am closest to has been great. The biting cold, the constant hunger, the silly laughter, the quiet companionship, the exhausting drives, the beautiful mountains…all have been equally welcome and equally enriching.

So why have I been avoiding writing?

Because of the future?

Well…there are no doubt some tensions. I continue to be worried about Mum’s health (and for that matter my own). My finances are yet to get in order and its high time they did, so that’s something I somehow need to achieve. But there’s a lot positive as well – including the upcoming event in the family and DB. So the overall balance is not too bad (though that too is marred by the anger of distant locations)

I finally arrive at the inevitable - the basic reason for avoidance is what has traditionally been the reason for avoiding anything – fear.

Never before in my life has the future looked so grey, so uncertain, so ambiguous and so marred with conflict. I have no clue what’s going to happen at work – which location or locations will I be in, what role or roles will I do, what my career path is going to be. I have no clue how my family role will pan out – how will mum’s health shape up, what will D & A’s plans work out, what locations we all will be in. I have no clue where I am going with DB or will this stand the test of time and conflicting priorities. And these three priorities….no, let me call them something else….these three parts of my soul may end up conflicting with each other. That’s something I have faced earlier too in my life but have worked hard (very hard) to ensure none suffered. For the first time, I sense a loss of control, a sense of being swept with tides that may dash me against the rocks and break my soul into three distinct parts, thus effectively killing it.

That is what I am scared of. Fundamentally, feverishly scared of.

In the meanwhile, I shall enjoy the balance 3 days of my holiday and start working out the broad “resolutions” for the coming year.

Que sera sera.