In the beginning, life is all about "positive experiences".....when I think of all positive feelings - security, sense of belonging, undiluted love, achievement, clear headedness - I realise that I got acquainted with all these in my childhood itself.
And then, slowly...quietly, life kept throwing the negatives my way. There was grief ....heartbreak.....disillusionment....insecurity.....confusion.....lack of achievement.......as life goes on, I keep getting acquainted with these feelings one by one. During these times, the pain is immense, but then as I emerge out of the cloud, I realise it is an "experience", it is something that takes me further along my goal of being a better, stronger person.
Am I again rationalising the negative? Doesnt matter. What matters is the end result - that I remain positive.
What if this process had been reversed? Would I have been able to hold on to a positive value system? I am very thankful to God/fate/destiny etc etc, that I dont have to answer this question.
In the middle of this chaotic, muddy world, I create a small space where I hope inspite of everything....basically, i blabber on all and sundry and hope that somewhere i contribute something. To myself, at least.
Thursday, September 25, 2003
Friday, September 19, 2003
Ramblings
This is Friday night of undoubtedly one of the worst weeks ever (work wise)...hectic workschedules, a hyper boss, a sarcastic super boss, lack of sleep, and bad eating habits, and absence of support systems like unni....all contributed.
As i am too exhausted, will just post extracts from one or two mails I wrote this week:
"This week is getting steadily worse.....yesterday, I nearly blew up at my hysterical boss......am giving it one more chance today....am really in a mood to just blow up, but i keep calming myself down......the worst part is, nothing I do is appreciated....for so many weeks, I was wracked with so many questions n self - doubt, to which I had no answers....and hence spent many days in agony........but yest, after 2/3 harsh incidents, came to the conclusion that I cant blame myself for everything.....
As it is, I am hardly communicating nowdays (except with you)......thank god i am not married etc, else I wld really have a real problem on my hands! I dont think I am made for marriage....for one, I want to do too many things in life and dont want to be constantly taking into consideration a "life partner", neither am i the type of person who wld just go ahead and live the way i want to, let the relatioship suffer.......i believe in making things work, and that goes for relationships......if I put it in typical "office style" terms - I dont have the bandwidth to take on critical things....I dont believe in doing things for the sake of doing it, and I wont take on things I cant do justice to"
"i am so sleepy.....left at 12 last night and came back at 9.....but whats the piont of working hard if it is still thought that i dont? I might as well prove them right. but somehow, am unable to bring myself to reach that point. my tenure here is a struggle to hold on to my sense of self, and the values n beliefs I have. I think thats essentially the struggle of life. I hope I hv been successful so far. I hope I wl continue to be."
Whats to look forward to? MOVIES!!!! 4 of them.......hallelujah!
As i am too exhausted, will just post extracts from one or two mails I wrote this week:
"This week is getting steadily worse.....yesterday, I nearly blew up at my hysterical boss......am giving it one more chance today....am really in a mood to just blow up, but i keep calming myself down......the worst part is, nothing I do is appreciated....for so many weeks, I was wracked with so many questions n self - doubt, to which I had no answers....and hence spent many days in agony........but yest, after 2/3 harsh incidents, came to the conclusion that I cant blame myself for everything.....
As it is, I am hardly communicating nowdays (except with you)......thank god i am not married etc, else I wld really have a real problem on my hands! I dont think I am made for marriage....for one, I want to do too many things in life and dont want to be constantly taking into consideration a "life partner", neither am i the type of person who wld just go ahead and live the way i want to, let the relatioship suffer.......i believe in making things work, and that goes for relationships......if I put it in typical "office style" terms - I dont have the bandwidth to take on critical things....I dont believe in doing things for the sake of doing it, and I wont take on things I cant do justice to"
"i am so sleepy.....left at 12 last night and came back at 9.....but whats the piont of working hard if it is still thought that i dont? I might as well prove them right. but somehow, am unable to bring myself to reach that point. my tenure here is a struggle to hold on to my sense of self, and the values n beliefs I have. I think thats essentially the struggle of life. I hope I hv been successful so far. I hope I wl continue to be."
Whats to look forward to? MOVIES!!!! 4 of them.......hallelujah!
Tuesday, September 16, 2003
Questions at work
This was Unni;s response to my description of the self-doubt I often feel now at work.
Creep.
Leo Employee Profile
Leo workers want to be first and at the center of the office.Even if they
can't lead, they'll look for every opportunity to increase their own status
-- and if someone else seems ahead of them, look out. They will make it
clear that they aren't happy by pouting and complaining. They want
advancement so much that they'll take on more responsibility and carry a
heavier load than anyone else does in the office. And they are
self-promoters. It is likely that they are telling everyone in the office
what a great job they are doing as well as giving everyone unwanted advice.
They know they are superior and want everyone to know it
as well. This arrogance can sometimes cause problems
when working with management. But typically, they are just
hard workers out to demonstrate just how good they really are.
They thrive in sales positions - they can promote a product
or company just as well as they promote themselves.
Their strength and arrogance isn't just show either. In a crisis
situation, Leos really demonstrate their true courage.
Leos want to lead and will be pushing for more responsibility
and rewards. They are happy to train and mentor new co-
workers as they enjoy giving advice and being in positions of
authority.
If you are trying to manage a Leo employee, you'll need to
give them plenty of praise, responsibility, and independence.
They will certainly want to help lighten your load of manage-
ment responsibilities. Just be careful- the next thing you know
they could be taking over your job.
Creep.
Leo Employee Profile
Leo workers want to be first and at the center of the office.Even if they
can't lead, they'll look for every opportunity to increase their own status
-- and if someone else seems ahead of them, look out. They will make it
clear that they aren't happy by pouting and complaining. They want
advancement so much that they'll take on more responsibility and carry a
heavier load than anyone else does in the office. And they are
self-promoters. It is likely that they are telling everyone in the office
what a great job they are doing as well as giving everyone unwanted advice.
They know they are superior and want everyone to know it
as well. This arrogance can sometimes cause problems
when working with management. But typically, they are just
hard workers out to demonstrate just how good they really are.
They thrive in sales positions - they can promote a product
or company just as well as they promote themselves.
Their strength and arrogance isn't just show either. In a crisis
situation, Leos really demonstrate their true courage.
Leos want to lead and will be pushing for more responsibility
and rewards. They are happy to train and mentor new co-
workers as they enjoy giving advice and being in positions of
authority.
If you are trying to manage a Leo employee, you'll need to
give them plenty of praise, responsibility, and independence.
They will certainly want to help lighten your load of manage-
ment responsibilities. Just be careful- the next thing you know
they could be taking over your job.
Monday, September 08, 2003
Thoughts that cram the mind
I have just been to 2 blogs, both throwing up issues that struck a chord.
An old man in Eric's class....the fragility, the feeling he evokes-similar to that of a lost puppy.
There are such people you meet - old, fragile, dependent - emotionally, physically, and the worst, financially. And naturally their dependence causes them to be treated more callously, or worse, ignored.
And it kills me.
When I see an old woman, leaning on her stick, quiet as she looks out at the world - it kills me. Why should someone with a lifetime (literally) of experience, thoughts n emotions in her, be quiet? Who silenced her? Unfortunately, that answer is mostly all too evident as you look at her children.
Thats one of the reasons why I sympathise less with my colleagues'/friends' grouses with their families n parents. All said and done, however unhappy you are, however badly you (think) you have been treated, at least you have yr health n 2 hands with you - you have a life ahead of you which u can build. An escape.
For the old n tired, the betrayals are that much harder, considering there;s not much time to look forward to. But they cope. And they cope better than the so-called healthy youth, most of whom moan and escape into therapy.
Second was on love - or rather, falling in love (I very distinctly separate the two - loving someone and being in love with someone are two entirely different ballgames). Why do we torture ourselves? But DO we torture ourselves? Eric (another one) is going hammer n tongs for this guy who is plainly good natured but self centred and intends to use Eric as a convenient devotee. But is he totally to blame? I somehow cant let go of the feeling that too much good in one brings out the evil in others. To do a crude extension of Adam's Invisible Hand theory, there has to be some evil in us that will keep the evil in others under check. Else, there is polarisation - there is a "Good" and a "Bad", and there is unhappiness and injustice. Go back to all the people u think are the sweetest n the most sensitive - prod further and you will hear a story/stories of terrible injustice n unhappiness they had gone at the hands of another. My personal take is that if u r too sweet n willing to take that extra step, u arouse people's bullying instincts. Or get used, as Eric is.
And yet, knowing all this, I will still do the same foolish things that I did before and got my ass kicked.
Bloody fool
An old man in Eric's class....the fragility, the feeling he evokes-similar to that of a lost puppy.
There are such people you meet - old, fragile, dependent - emotionally, physically, and the worst, financially. And naturally their dependence causes them to be treated more callously, or worse, ignored.
And it kills me.
When I see an old woman, leaning on her stick, quiet as she looks out at the world - it kills me. Why should someone with a lifetime (literally) of experience, thoughts n emotions in her, be quiet? Who silenced her? Unfortunately, that answer is mostly all too evident as you look at her children.
Thats one of the reasons why I sympathise less with my colleagues'/friends' grouses with their families n parents. All said and done, however unhappy you are, however badly you (think) you have been treated, at least you have yr health n 2 hands with you - you have a life ahead of you which u can build. An escape.
For the old n tired, the betrayals are that much harder, considering there;s not much time to look forward to. But they cope. And they cope better than the so-called healthy youth, most of whom moan and escape into therapy.
Second was on love - or rather, falling in love (I very distinctly separate the two - loving someone and being in love with someone are two entirely different ballgames). Why do we torture ourselves? But DO we torture ourselves? Eric (another one) is going hammer n tongs for this guy who is plainly good natured but self centred and intends to use Eric as a convenient devotee. But is he totally to blame? I somehow cant let go of the feeling that too much good in one brings out the evil in others. To do a crude extension of Adam's Invisible Hand theory, there has to be some evil in us that will keep the evil in others under check. Else, there is polarisation - there is a "Good" and a "Bad", and there is unhappiness and injustice. Go back to all the people u think are the sweetest n the most sensitive - prod further and you will hear a story/stories of terrible injustice n unhappiness they had gone at the hands of another. My personal take is that if u r too sweet n willing to take that extra step, u arouse people's bullying instincts. Or get used, as Eric is.
And yet, knowing all this, I will still do the same foolish things that I did before and got my ass kicked.
Bloody fool
Tuesday, September 02, 2003
Causing hurt
Shruti Dikshit just mailed me. She's got hold of some mail I wrote in Polaris in which I hv clubbed her with a group and spoken rather disparagingly about them. Naturally, she;s upset but was decent enuff to tell me about it.
My reaction to her :
Yo!!!
(a) god knows where u got this from. I dont remember even writing this....but the beginning and end sounds like me, so wont doubt the authencity....however, not knowing where this came from, maybe u could check the veracity of the exact words and that they hvnt been tampered with. the overall mail is definitely mine.
(b) I was certainly upset n disappointed by a lot of ppl there (and I had even spoken to u abt the depression I feel abt HR there) . this was mainly colored by namita and my impressions of her. and frankly, before I got to know u better, everyone else in that group - u, sonali, aditi - was associated with her. and again frankly, as far as ppl like sonali are concerned, these impressions didnt change. Thats the "grouping" part
(c) U as an individual I have liked (always) and respected (when I got to know u better). This is a fact, and u may choose to believe me or not. Thats up to you. But what do yr instincts say? Even rationally speaking, werent my feeling towards ppl I didnt like very evident - namita, poonam etc, even to an extent sonali?? Did u ever feel that with me? I cant prevent my feelings to show on my face, and u hv seen those expressions! Did u ever see that expression around you???
Again, I am not sure where u got this mail from. The mail is mine, but I am not sure of the words.
If u really want a defence, speak to Shweta Mishra, who I believe u interacted with in HCL. She;s my colleague here and naturally the first thing we spoke about was you. I didnt have anything negative to say about you.
But defence is nothing. Like accusations, defence can also be tampered with. Hence, I request you to go entirely by your instincts. In my experience, our instincts are right in 9 out of 10 cases.
I know that this mail would have been hurting. And I dont blame you for disliking me at this point. And I wont blame you either if u choose not to believe me. But please dont carry this in your heart, because you, after all u hv been thro at psl, dont deserve this.
And thank you for immediately reverting to me, rather than keeping it to yourself.
You may choose to reply or not.
Always
Sudeep
The sheer thought of another person (who I genuinely like) being hurt n upset is terrible. And when the source of that pain is me, I am consumed by sadness and guilt.
My reaction to her :
Yo!!!
(a) god knows where u got this from. I dont remember even writing this....but the beginning and end sounds like me, so wont doubt the authencity....however, not knowing where this came from, maybe u could check the veracity of the exact words and that they hvnt been tampered with. the overall mail is definitely mine.
(b) I was certainly upset n disappointed by a lot of ppl there (and I had even spoken to u abt the depression I feel abt HR there) . this was mainly colored by namita and my impressions of her. and frankly, before I got to know u better, everyone else in that group - u, sonali, aditi - was associated with her. and again frankly, as far as ppl like sonali are concerned, these impressions didnt change. Thats the "grouping" part
(c) U as an individual I have liked (always) and respected (when I got to know u better). This is a fact, and u may choose to believe me or not. Thats up to you. But what do yr instincts say? Even rationally speaking, werent my feeling towards ppl I didnt like very evident - namita, poonam etc, even to an extent sonali?? Did u ever feel that with me? I cant prevent my feelings to show on my face, and u hv seen those expressions! Did u ever see that expression around you???
Again, I am not sure where u got this mail from. The mail is mine, but I am not sure of the words.
If u really want a defence, speak to Shweta Mishra, who I believe u interacted with in HCL. She;s my colleague here and naturally the first thing we spoke about was you. I didnt have anything negative to say about you.
But defence is nothing. Like accusations, defence can also be tampered with. Hence, I request you to go entirely by your instincts. In my experience, our instincts are right in 9 out of 10 cases.
I know that this mail would have been hurting. And I dont blame you for disliking me at this point. And I wont blame you either if u choose not to believe me. But please dont carry this in your heart, because you, after all u hv been thro at psl, dont deserve this.
And thank you for immediately reverting to me, rather than keeping it to yourself.
You may choose to reply or not.
Always
Sudeep
The sheer thought of another person (who I genuinely like) being hurt n upset is terrible. And when the source of that pain is me, I am consumed by sadness and guilt.
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