A pat on the back? or an ostrich egg for breakfast?

Its been 3 weeks. Exactly. To the t. I arrived in this room three Sundays ago at 3:30 pm.

Within a few days, I was comfortable. Actually, I was comfortable within 2 days. A comfy room, malls n theatres around, transportation to work taken care of, positive reaction from office...naturally I was! Then I got to Manila better...the eat, drink, shop and be merry culture...and I became more comfortable. Life became better as I made two good friends, P and Al, cheerful, articulate souls who engaged me and were good hosts. Interesting sightseeing trips, good evening-outs. Active weekends, pleasant weekdays. Chatty conversations and rambling chats. Absorbing books and mixed movies. Lots of avenues for shopping.

So...even though things will slow down after the initial hyperactivity...life seems ok for the coming weeks.

Except (and there's always that word, isnt it??)....except that I miss the comfort of close ones..I am worried that there's still scope for the assignment to be called ineffective...I long for the independence of my own apartment and my own car...I am scared of what this will do to us, to the core.

So, as I act, as I move, as I smile, as I explore....I think and I fear and I worry and I speculate.

But then, as L says, its only the tears and pangs that make the smile worthwhile.

Only I hope there's a smile at the end :)

Nothing works when it doesnt want to...

Movie in the packed darkness of a theatre, a well made, throbbing musical. Favorite songs on the player, eminently danceable. Fabulous top of the line brands with the coolest displays. Diverse crowds in a row of interesting-looking eating places and bars. A continued story line on the QAF soap, 2 episodes. A nice book, charming and funny. Distraction, absorption, entertainment, exhaustion....nothing worked. The mind still ticked, the heart still obsessed and the head still ached. I just wanted a hug.

Imtihaan - The Test :)

I feel cornered. As I indulged in breakfasts and malls, somewhere the ground was moving beneath my feet and I have ended up pinned against the wall, looking on in anguish as the things I love and the things I cherish are stripped away from my body, leaving exposed the hidden, trembling self.

But I call logic to my rescue. And my ego. I am not pinned. Yet. I am not drowning. Yet. What I have written above is probably a taste of what COULD happen. But whether it will happen or not is in MY hands. This time is a test. Of the validity of my professional expertise, of the endurance of my personal relationships, of the strength of my values, of the existence of my survival skills, of my level of awareness of self, of my faith in loved ones. Of my essential belief that the world around is a reflection of what we are, and not the reverse.

Putting structure and words around the nightmarish scenario doesn't make it less fearful, but at least gives me some inner strength to deal with the twilight demons. I wish I could call someone to help me through this, but they are also part of the test, and hence unpredictable.

I wish I could move on quickly and sharply like someone has. But I find it difficult to extricate myself from the deep wells of emotion I have been in. So I need to accept what I am and deal with this "test".

Success but a long way to go

Exactly a week has passed by. I have learnt more about myself this week than I normally would in several. Actually I have learnt more about myself in the past two months than I probably did the entire last year. But then, thats another post.

Right now, I feel a sense of relief - the project is not as complex as I had feared it would be; the situation her is more challenging that I had thought it was; Manila is turning out to be a place where I can think of spending several weeks in; I have started making friends in office; the weekend was not depressing.

But mixed with relief is reality too. Less than 10% of my time is done....eleven weeks are yet to go. Will I survive it well? And what will this do to us? That fear is my reality check.

Lets see....its fingers crossed and a hope in my heart :)

The kiss of memory

I was seized by nostalgia at breakfast. The constant chatter of the Filipino-American family on the next table took me back to that time, oh it feels like a dream, when I had sat in similar buffets with my family, happy about the sausages, smugly sipping black coffee, looking out of the picture windows at the city outside waiting to be explored by me. Many, many years later, I sit on a similar cane chair, looking out of a similar picture window onto a strange city. I am alone, there’s no chatter. Instead, there’s the morning paper and my glass of apple juice and my thoughts on how I will plan my day. Somewhere in the corner is heartache, which I ignore as I don’t want it to color my day. The heartache is kept for twilight hours.

How silly we are to try and visualize the future. How can we presume to think that we can predict the events fate can throw at us or the decisions that we will take? Life is not an algorithm, much to the dismay of control freaks like me. The variables can change mid way and the course of life can often be unalterably deviated in moments. And sometimes we don’t even know what these variables are. Do I know how I landed up here? Do I know how some people entered my life? Do I know why I did some things I did? I look back with surprise - I don’t know! All I know is that I am here. Carrying the past with me, a past filled with memories that come to greet me at the oddest of moments., plunging me into inexplicable sadness And hoping for the future. For love, for peace. And if not that, then faith and courage.