Switched on

I was tired, really really tired. Of what, I am not too sure. I was working long hours, sure, but had worked much harder for much longer earlier. No catastrophic events had shaken up my life recently, neither had any of the relationships become too complex. Nevertheless, I was exhausted - mentally, emotionally, physically. Instead of trying to arrive at root causes, I decided to take some time off. And this time actually translated the decision into action, at the cost of getting into the wrong books of the right people at the wrong time, i.e. the HR offsite.

Not only did I take time off, but I switched off as well, just vegetating for two days in a row, avoiding any form of art/conversation that made me think or feel...reading chick lits, watching QAF, indulging in mindless banter. The following weekend was nothing earth shattering either. People interactions ranged from polite social (H, D) to mildly complex (K) to thoroughly pleasant (U, Sau)...activities were a safe mix of shopping, salon, movies. So I remained switched off, and didnt think. Not at all.

Didnt think of the strange connection that we have with loved ones..that till date Nan just starts feeling funny and calls me/Mum up when we are not well...the episodes with Mum and Ashu....me and Ban, Amit. This connection that seems to operate at a different level that rationality finds difficult to explain and yet is not so unbelievable either.

Didnt think of the unexpected places where relationships land up. They start with some constants - your own self; some variables - the events; some assumptions - the other's personality, what he/she can do, will do. And using all this you form some sort of chart for the future, and yet deviations take you to places that could be unexpected, and not always inviting. This is happening more and more with me recently (and is probably due to the less-thought-more-passive approach that Shk pointed out today) - the emotional land mine (Lord), the emotional stability card (Sau), the sense of failure (K), the big brother perspective (A)....its happening with "older" people too...the sense of security (U), the sense of distance (L) for example. Yes, all unexpected places, leaving me amused at myself for thinking I am smarter and trying to hit moving targets. Also leaving me a little wide eyed as I wonder about the mysterious routes charted despite our best intentions...maybe God is ensuring our health by ensuring we DONT get what we want?

Didnt think of the sudden blurs surrounding my life, the several loose ends that currently sway loosely in the wind, while I watch and think that I must hold them tight and yet my hand doesnt move. Life, roles, career...and the numerous small activities that must add up to these larger decisions...conversations with boss, sending CVs, closing certs issue, talking to colleges...all hanging. Maybe I need this time off to get my energy back to do such stuff.

Nope. Didnt think at all. Just switched off.

Budday

I am struggling to keep awake as I write this. I am not even sure why I am writing this, considering that I have no concrete or comprehensive thoughts or feelings to record. Or maybe that's why I am here...trying to peer through the blur that has surrounded this day and make firmer shapes of the softer thoughts and memories that have clouded my mind.....what did I do today?

I felt the same sadness that has become a part of me for the past year or so. Despite control, despite catharsis, it continues to be alive, sending out painful feelers every few moments/days in the most unexpected times. Like today.

I got irritated at myself for getting irritated with things in people that I knew would irritate me but I had thought I had steeled myself against in advance. (Yes, that sentence does make sense to me)

I just dissolved into tears everytime someone said or did something sweet. A had "happy birthday sudeep" on all his chat ids...LC spoke to me about how she has seen me grow and evolve...D handed me a jacket and apologised for the time 2 years when he had tried to find me a suede jacket in China (which I had been looking for)but couldn't...Unni called twice, trying to create touch where none had existed for months...Mum sent a card that had the simplest, nicest words on it...

I vaguely felt that I should look at my resolutions for the year and figure out where I stand...and then I realised that that may not be such a good picture, so may as well let it be...but the seed had been planted and I thought about it and thought a little more...

I wore a bright pink shirt with striped grey trousers and a crisp smile that got me compliments of a nature I am certainly not used to.

I answered a lot more calls today than I remember doing last year (The day started with a conversation with Ank, ended with Sej. What a contrast!). So I guess the resolution of having lesser people in my life has not really worked out. However, I did restrain on going out. Last year I had met 6 different people. Today I went for a quiet dinner with D. Naturally the view for the next week doesn't look good.

So anyway, why am I making a big deal of this? It was a blurred day, it was a blurred day. BFD.

But. I dont like blurs. Unfortunate experience tells me blurs are usually our way of cutting out pain or avoiding decisive reality. Since there is no reason why I should feeling too much pain, I can only imagine the latter objective. In that case, I am determined to pierce out the exact thoughts that are lurking in this fog and face whatever I have to face, even if it is the harshest of realities. Bloody hell, my mind is trying to play games with me...doesn't it know what I made of!!!!

Lines on the face and shadows in the eyes

What a pyschedelic contrast the days can be when compared to one another...the dull grey of Saturday turned into a bright blue by evening. Sunday was a mellow pink with gashes of cruel purple. The purple fused into a brown on Monday that turned muddier in the evening. But the mud started glistening and turned into a strikingly cheerful yellow the entire Tuesday and like fools, I forgot that yellow's partner for maximum impact is - black. Remembered that useful fact today in retrospect.

Why today? Because I lost my temper which was avoidable. Because I got into a cold rage which was unavoidable. Because I was disappointed with people which was a lesson I should have learnt by now. Because I didnt do a lot of important personal stuff that I know I will regret later. Because I am letting my thoughts move in a direction in which they shouldn't. Because I handled a situation in a way that could have been handled better. Because my yesterday's heart breaking conversation with Nan keeps coming back to me and I keep thinking that if the loved ones in my life add to me as a person, doesn't it logically mean that the loved ones I have lost - Daddy, Dpt, Ashu, Mama - have decimated my life as well?

One emotion at a time?

I just saw Kank and am writing this late at night. Not because I am profoundly affected by the movie - no, I can always trust Karan Johar to ensure that despite a potentially moving storyline and highly competent actors, there will be a sheen of plastic on everything - but because, despite its inability to touch the heart, it does provoke thought with some extremely potent situations, scenes and dialogues.

If I try to capture all the thoughts it provoked, I will probably get tired and stop mid way, considering that it's a three hours plus movie! More importantly, the thoughts are so linked with each other, that I will probably get lost if I try to untangle them. So I will keep aside several interesting lines of thought for now - the loneliness of friendless hearts; the comfort of money in tough times; the sheer siliness of people who get into something without thinking it through; the instinctive intelligence of elders - and focus on the most obvious aspect - the characters and motivations of the leads, SRK and Rani, who are unfaithful to their spouses.

No act has one single emotion behind it. Not even two, I would argue. Multiple is usually the case. But one or two of those emotions are usually the trigger or the driver of the act. Amongst the rabble of emotions that SRK and Rani feel (or rather, appear to feel), which of those really drive them?

In softer moments, I would say - romance and a bit of madness (for our poets have taught us that they go together). They are stuck in marriages that they dont want, their relationships are degenerating by the day...they meet, they connect, they fall in love, they go through pain. One accepts that what they did was wrong, but somehow inevitable as well. And who can resist the lure of true love. These thoughts are picked up well by the movie itself, that crafts a sufiana feel to their romance, amidst a New York that encourages it.

Thankfully, the movie has its harsher moments, as do I. Its not important to look at the "what" to understand something, but instead ask the "why". Why are they in marriages where there wasn't love to start with? Why are they getting bitter and angry with their spouses (who, by the way, actually love them)? Why don't they recognise the connection at the start itself and deal with it? Why do they pretend as if the other needs them instead of admitting that they need the other? Why dont they stop when they feel they are doing something wrong? Why are they always upset and dissatisfied - when they were married, when they were having an affair, when they got divorced? There are plenty of more "whys" but the answer's pretty clear - weakness. No, I would not count stupidity or selfishness or roving eyes as the prime emotion. It all boils down to the way you deal with situations in your life, and if you respond weakly, you just wreak havoc, in your and everyone else's lives.

These characters seemed to have done just that - responded weakly to conflict ior pain ridden situations that really required frankness and self awareness and communication and decision. When they got married, when they went through a disaster, when the spouse grew distant, when they started a secret relationship...basically, all through.

In this weakness, I believe, lies the root of all other evils that afflicts them helplessly. For they are helpless as they watch their inner weakness drive them to be untrue, to be cruel, to be self absorbed. And unless they are highly unintelligent, they will watch, sooner or later. This destruction of self must be as obvious to them as it is to any other rational person. And this self image is the price they pay for the lack of strength, the lack of courage.

And this is where I find my stand somewhere between the soft and the harsh. I dont feel for the emptiness in their lives that drove them outside commitment; neither do I look down upon them for the selfishness and cruelty they display. I just feel compassion and sadness for this price they pay - the blow to the most precious of commodities, self respect.

And yes, who can really avoid falling in love? To me, thats the biggest change this symbolises in me...from the black & white approach I used to have earlier, I am now in that grey zone. The heart wants what the heart wants. No force on earth can fight it.

Othello and related thoughts

Othello seems to be the flavor of the season and I certainly cannot escape it.

Saw Omkara two weeks ago - its one of those movies which I may not like so much, but one that will stay in my mind for a long, long time.

I dont like it so much because of its uneven pace and because of the inevitable comparisons with Maqbool that had a subtlety about it which I enjoyed more than the in-your-face rawness of Omkara.

However, I admire the movie - unlike arty cinema, the rawness is not put on and just sucks you in naturally. There is also a tremendous, nearly sexual, energy in the movie. It's the most thrilling climax I have seen in a long long time (the last time I sat riveted in my chair like this was in Matrix, I think) and the performances - both the extroverted and the quiet - are effective.

Last evening, I went for the play Othello. Expecting the standard tragedy, I was pleasantly surprised to realise that there was quite an unusual plot - during the making of the play Othello, the story of Othello gets enacted by the cast's own personalities and personal lives. The plot could have backfired had it not been supported by a cast of fabulous professionals (even to my untrained eyes) who brought out nuances that a movie just can not.

Related thoughts - (considering that all art is essentially about discovery)

> I am not sure where my liking for darker, more complex stories started or stems from. I just know that I like them. However, such stories are the easiest to go wrong with. Example, Dangerous Liaisons which is brilliant and its remake - Cruel Intentions - which is trash.

> I know one thing for sure - I continue to be turned on by talent and intelligence (they usually go together) rather than by looks and charm.

> Beauty is often found in the most unexpected of places. The harsh landscapes of UP, the pained lines on a man's face - both can be incredibly alluring

Always a stranger to me...

Sex.
Money (linked to career)
Obligations.

The order of priority differs depending on gender, social conditioning, circumstance and individual aspirations. But these three are what occupies the mindspace of most people most of the time. And hence, relationships which fall into these three categories are the ones which get maximum attention as well. And the ones which dont, dont. Simple.

But not so simple for me. Because I ignore these three categories most of the time and focus my attention on people, on the connection to the core, rather than the external linkages. And thus prioritise accordingly as well.

Which is why, ladies and gentlemen, I am always, always, always, on a tangent with the rest of the world.

Once in a while, I have met people who are also aligned to this. Its happened seldom, but when it did, I felt....vindicated? happy? Nope. I felt nothing. Because its not as if this is a conscious effort on my path to be different. Its just me. And I dont feel particularly upset or proud or tormented or wonderful to be like this. Its just me.

So why do I still seek the someone who's aligned to me? Because I do have one thing in common with everyone else. The need for resonance. And the comfort it brings.

where do i go?

The incident on Monday with Ven n Nav shook me up completely. I can argue with myself that I am over reacting to a relatively not-so-big ussue or that it wasnt unexpected knowing the history, but the point is not about the incident or about them.

The point is, quite simply, about me. My focus on relationships, my emphasis on trust, my reliance on people, my role in others' lives.

And they are not isolated incidents or feelings - the anger at the unexpected betrayal, the stress due to incompetent professionals at work, the pain at seeing Mum off and knowing she's not with me for another few months. They are all part of the same story within one week, giving rise to questions that force me out of my comfort (blind?) zone every few months or so. Most of these questions are repeated and I have recorded several of them in various notes/tapes/posts over the past decade.

Why does my locus of control continue to be heavily external, despite me being my own best friend? Have I really come a long way from where I was a few years ago or have I just convinced myself I have? How much is the gap between what I feel and what I think I feel and what I want others to think I feel and what I show I feel? For how many people am I a "compartment", a part of the convenient slotting that I find so abhorrent? What's more me - to retreat when in pain or to confront?

Mum believes that I dont share myself with anyone, but I just want to cry and ask - what do I share when I have nothing to give? why should I share when I know there's pain at the end of the road? how should I share when I cant even trust? who should i share with, knowing that hardly anyone really cares or understands?

I sit in the early morning chill and express these questions and thoughts that revolve in my head, knowing that there are no answers, at least not definitive ones. Knowing that I will soon be immersed in a maelstrom of activity at work and outside. Knowing that the sharpness of this internal typhoon will get dulled with the bombardment of action. Knowing that a few days later, I will be in the flow again, and will maybe come back to this post to figure out what exactly it was that was killing me a week ago.

Until next time.