The re occurence of the old nightmare has against infused a tension into me that will not go away easily. As usual, it is not the event itself but the sense of helplessness and the lack of solution that causes the tension.
I know I have said this before and I will probably say this a thousand times till I die, but there's nothing more painful to me than the suffering of loved ones. This reminds of something that I read yesterday - it is the strong who suffer the most. To my shock, I realise this is one of the truest statements I have ever come across in all senses.
I dont know if its my disgusting (hallucinatory) positivity or the reality that life is beautiful (!), but I continue to be glad about the fact that for all these tensions, I have ways and means of dealing with it as well, whether it be my own common sense or the affection of loved ones.
That still doesnt take away the gut wrenching pain I feel when I know a loved one has slept with a disturbed mind....or is spending the day in a haze of suffering....and I stand by the side.
How am I going get out of this cycle and whether its in me to even try to do this, I dont know. For now, I live with it.
In the middle of this chaotic, muddy world, I create a small space where I hope inspite of everything....basically, i blabber on all and sundry and hope that somewhere i contribute something. To myself, at least.
Tuesday, December 26, 2006
Thursday, December 21, 2006
Painful ironies
There was so much wrong. And yet my mind just ignored it and focused on my attention on what could be right. Made me look beyond the surface, beyond the conventionalities of judgment, on the possibilities, the potential. In a way, I surrendered my will to a deeper, wiser instinct that guided me to where I am today.
Today, there is so much right. And yet my mind refuses to rest easy and keeps visiting the areas that could be wrong. Bitter irony it might be, it is also irritating and destructive. I strongly believe in self fulfilling prophecies and I DON’T want this one to be like that. As I keep saying, I can fight against the whole world but cant fight inwards.
But I don’t know what to do – the “could be wrong” areas are based on a maze of assumptions, possibly over-intellectualized thought, imagination, over reactive tendencies….or could be based on rational thought disguised as instinct, patterns that are below the surface and my understanding of people.
The thing is – I don’t know. And the best thing to do about such situations is to leave them alone. Yet those nagging fears and apprehensions don’t listen to such logic. They gnaw at me, snipe at me and at best, circle me warily if I react strongly.
Today, there is so much right. And yet my mind refuses to rest easy and keeps visiting the areas that could be wrong. Bitter irony it might be, it is also irritating and destructive. I strongly believe in self fulfilling prophecies and I DON’T want this one to be like that. As I keep saying, I can fight against the whole world but cant fight inwards.
But I don’t know what to do – the “could be wrong” areas are based on a maze of assumptions, possibly over-intellectualized thought, imagination, over reactive tendencies….or could be based on rational thought disguised as instinct, patterns that are below the surface and my understanding of people.
The thing is – I don’t know. And the best thing to do about such situations is to leave them alone. Yet those nagging fears and apprehensions don’t listen to such logic. They gnaw at me, snipe at me and at best, circle me warily if I react strongly.
Sunday, December 17, 2006
Looking inwards to predict
One doesn't write just to record, right? I write because it helps me articulate and define my internal thoughts and emotions, clarify ambiguity (as far as possible) with the final outcome of understanding what's happening to/around me and then figuring out the map - internal and external - for the future. My blog especially plays the role of a navigator through my life.
And the reason I am saying all of this is to get to the bottom of why I have not blogged recently. Even though I seem to be perpetually racing against time, I have always found the space to capture those reams of thought and emotion at signifcant times of my life. And the past one month certainly comes in that category.
Transition out from current role, Unni's wedding, DB.....all these have translated into a surprisingly complex mix of emotions...complex because at a time, i was operating at multiple levels, often trying to reconcile "good" and "bad" at the same time. Not that that's something new for me, but it usually is blog worthy as well.
Yet I have sensed an internal resistance to capturing it in words. Maybe its just laziness or exhaustion, but I thnk it's probably my sense of the pointlessness of doing so - after all, none of what i am feeling or going through right now will have a bearing on what I will feel or go through tomorrow. Its a very very unusual situation to be in, but probably for the first time in my life, I am more interested in looking ahead than looking back.
More on that front in my "end of 2006-beginning of 2007" post.
And the reason I am saying all of this is to get to the bottom of why I have not blogged recently. Even though I seem to be perpetually racing against time, I have always found the space to capture those reams of thought and emotion at signifcant times of my life. And the past one month certainly comes in that category.
Transition out from current role, Unni's wedding, DB.....all these have translated into a surprisingly complex mix of emotions...complex because at a time, i was operating at multiple levels, often trying to reconcile "good" and "bad" at the same time. Not that that's something new for me, but it usually is blog worthy as well.
Yet I have sensed an internal resistance to capturing it in words. Maybe its just laziness or exhaustion, but I thnk it's probably my sense of the pointlessness of doing so - after all, none of what i am feeling or going through right now will have a bearing on what I will feel or go through tomorrow. Its a very very unusual situation to be in, but probably for the first time in my life, I am more interested in looking ahead than looking back.
More on that front in my "end of 2006-beginning of 2007" post.
Monday, November 27, 2006
My sad moments
While it is not my place to decide what is sad and what is sadder, what is less painful and what is more, for me personally there is nothing more heartbreaking than the loss of a young life. I realise that I cant do much more here than recount clichés, but truly, whether it be in life or death, is there anything more de humanizing than the loss of potential?
The book I was reading on Saturday night ended with the death of the protagonist’s best friend, an eight year old girl. The entire scene and the ones leading up to it were so touchingly, simply described that I could not help breaking down. And could not help thinking about similar scenarios that I unfortunately have been part of.
My first encounter with the death of a young one was when I was 14. A younger boy who used to travel in the same school van as mine died, I don’t remember how. I remember feeling bad but not really thinking about it. Until, that is, when we passed his house the next day and saw his mother standing at the gate, sobbing and saving to the van passing by. That’s when the gaping hole hit me – between “being there” and then, suddenly, not being there.
A year later, I had just moved from Blr to Del when Dom wrote to me that Reetobhash, a classmate and a decent friend, had cancer. A few months later, he told me, in a tearful letter, that he had died. This time the sense of loss was more personal, more real. Again, a sense of wonderment – I had just left him a few months ago, and how he just didn’t exist anymore.
The next again, it was news of a friend in another city. This time it was Deepti, and I was in Del. I had been with her through some pretty tough times, with her bf and her parents. She had been a messed up kid but her life was finally back on track. And yet it was not be. Possibly due to her ex’s machinations, she died a sudden, painful death. A smart, pretty, fun loving girl – the flame was wiped out in seconds, leaving her loved ones devastated.
The same year, it was another death that rocked me – Ashu. We are still not sure how it happened, though it seems pretty certain it could have been murder. But that’s not important. What’s important is that he was mad in love, and mad is the right word. And despite the cautionings of well wishers like Mum, he hurtled down the mad path of love, till tragedy struck. This was someone I had grown up with, been intimate with, relied upon, fought with. He had his whole life in front of him – he was a kind, street smart, funny, crazy boy and he deserved his life. At the sight of his body, I experienced a near loss of control, a sense which I hope I shall not feel soon again.
And so it has been. Recently too, the incident regarding Prateek (Ank’s flatmate) and his death (dengue, for god’s sake!!!!) again shook me – a young guy with a tragic life behind me, starting out a afresh. And now LC’s friend’s daughter’s death – once again, a medical complication gone bad. And whoosh – a 21 year old life snuffed out.
I cry; for a moment, I imagine myself in the shoes of the parents and their grief stricken lives ahead. As I said, I cant be presumptuous enough to declare that any other kind of grief is any lesser. But there is a sadness to these deaths that strikes right at the middle of my stupid, cynical, tired heart.
And last night, those moments were very, very, very sad.
The book I was reading on Saturday night ended with the death of the protagonist’s best friend, an eight year old girl. The entire scene and the ones leading up to it were so touchingly, simply described that I could not help breaking down. And could not help thinking about similar scenarios that I unfortunately have been part of.
My first encounter with the death of a young one was when I was 14. A younger boy who used to travel in the same school van as mine died, I don’t remember how. I remember feeling bad but not really thinking about it. Until, that is, when we passed his house the next day and saw his mother standing at the gate, sobbing and saving to the van passing by. That’s when the gaping hole hit me – between “being there” and then, suddenly, not being there.
A year later, I had just moved from Blr to Del when Dom wrote to me that Reetobhash, a classmate and a decent friend, had cancer. A few months later, he told me, in a tearful letter, that he had died. This time the sense of loss was more personal, more real. Again, a sense of wonderment – I had just left him a few months ago, and how he just didn’t exist anymore.
The next again, it was news of a friend in another city. This time it was Deepti, and I was in Del. I had been with her through some pretty tough times, with her bf and her parents. She had been a messed up kid but her life was finally back on track. And yet it was not be. Possibly due to her ex’s machinations, she died a sudden, painful death. A smart, pretty, fun loving girl – the flame was wiped out in seconds, leaving her loved ones devastated.
The same year, it was another death that rocked me – Ashu. We are still not sure how it happened, though it seems pretty certain it could have been murder. But that’s not important. What’s important is that he was mad in love, and mad is the right word. And despite the cautionings of well wishers like Mum, he hurtled down the mad path of love, till tragedy struck. This was someone I had grown up with, been intimate with, relied upon, fought with. He had his whole life in front of him – he was a kind, street smart, funny, crazy boy and he deserved his life. At the sight of his body, I experienced a near loss of control, a sense which I hope I shall not feel soon again.
And so it has been. Recently too, the incident regarding Prateek (Ank’s flatmate) and his death (dengue, for god’s sake!!!!) again shook me – a young guy with a tragic life behind me, starting out a afresh. And now LC’s friend’s daughter’s death – once again, a medical complication gone bad. And whoosh – a 21 year old life snuffed out.
I cry; for a moment, I imagine myself in the shoes of the parents and their grief stricken lives ahead. As I said, I cant be presumptuous enough to declare that any other kind of grief is any lesser. But there is a sadness to these deaths that strikes right at the middle of my stupid, cynical, tired heart.
And last night, those moments were very, very, very sad.
Thursday, November 23, 2006
Pagalpan and peace
A few weeks ago I was going through some archives in this blog and realized that a significant change, amongst others, was the increasing frequency of posts around specific themes as opposed to generic updates when I started blogging! I guess its something to do with the fact that I refined my writing to a point where I wrote only when I felt I had something really substantial to share with myself.
Anyway, today I just want to take a quick snapshot of my life, especially this month!
More than anything else, its been mentally exhausting (there I go with my theme again!). But seriously, this month I have been thinking on all fronts possible!
Despite claiming to be completely switched off at work, I am still affected by the issues here, whether it be my business or my team. After all, I have been associated with both for so long and its certainly not possible to just detach myself and move on. Hence, concentrated thought has gone into team’s individual issues and points around coaching, development, promotions, transition and so on. More than thought, heartburn actually! At the fact that potential has still not been realized and long term growth is still not being taken into account. Mixed with the heartburn is some degree of guilt, because after all I am the supervisor and hence responsible. Maybe I haven’t done enough?? More thought, more introspection.
Similarly issues in the business continue to affect me – attrition, leadership, new initiatives, blah blah blah. This is not just thought but extensive meetings/discussions around these areas where I have been forced to think and articulate and in some cases, commit. More than the team, it is this area that has also caused some degree of emotional exhaustion because this is my baby that is being discussed and planned for. Its part of me.
Which is why the ongoing transition is critical to me – to ensure there are no slippages, no discontinuities and maybe, somewhere, I leave a legacy that’s remembered. Sigh.
Speaking of parts, there’s a new part of me which has surfaced which I never knew existed, a very demonstrative part. Forget about others who have known me for a long time, even I get slightly freaked out when I think about it or observe it from a distance. But then, why should I think or observe? When I am “in” it, I am perfectly comfortable and feel perfectly natural. Which is why I don’t say I have changed, its just that a part has come out with a catalyst called DB. Dealing with it, of course, has taken time, and yes, that’s part of the mental exhaustion thingy.
This also seems to be the time of the year for practically everyone to face upheavals/changes in their lives – Dolly, Sau, Ven, Nik, Rku, Ank, Arj, Mum, U, Dar – the past 3 weeks have had in depth conversations with ALL of them! And I constantly feel guilty about the ones who I know are going through a lot but haven’t reached out to me and so have not got attention – Shal, Shk, Betu. In addition, I am not practicing what I preach – that just because someone hasn’t got issues doesn’t mean they get neglected – Hin, Jas, L, Shw etc etc etc. All these above thoughts have been occupying a significant amount of mindspace.
Not that I have completely recovered from the emotional rigors of the previous few weeks - job, K, Mum etc etc. Every now and then, there's the sudden knot in stomach, a rush of recent memory drawing me into momentary pain and confusion.
Plans for the future – next 1 month, next 3 months, and next 1 year – are another focus area (yuck yuck yuck, I am fed up of my language!). First, Dec – trips to Bbay, Kerala, Hyd and Delhi – all in a space of 1 month!!!!!!!!!! Then the onsite thing –how, when and for how long….god knows. Then the next year – I need to make some decisions here, am just thinking the ratio of heart/mind that I should use. Or maybe I should use my basic principle – using the heart as a decision making tool is ultimately using the mind!!!
Thankfully, all this “thinking” - past, present and future - has ensured that I haven’t “felt” too much, especially the feelings of the negative variety!
Considering that the thinking is soon going to be accompanied by hectic physical activity as well, I hope that the emotional roller coaster is stable enough and doesn’t start moving too fast!!!!! Else I am surely headed for a breakdown.
Which will bring me back to one of the recurring themes of this blog! Ha! Ha! Ha!
But yes, in the middle of this constant "exhaustion", there's peace.
The morning sms and the night chat, the sense of peace and love.
The tea, the laughter, the bitching, the comfort.
The online chat with Mum, the connect, the familiarity, the depth.
The drive home, the clarity, the space, the music.
Its these crucial moments that make my day.
Anyway, today I just want to take a quick snapshot of my life, especially this month!
More than anything else, its been mentally exhausting (there I go with my theme again!). But seriously, this month I have been thinking on all fronts possible!
Despite claiming to be completely switched off at work, I am still affected by the issues here, whether it be my business or my team. After all, I have been associated with both for so long and its certainly not possible to just detach myself and move on. Hence, concentrated thought has gone into team’s individual issues and points around coaching, development, promotions, transition and so on. More than thought, heartburn actually! At the fact that potential has still not been realized and long term growth is still not being taken into account. Mixed with the heartburn is some degree of guilt, because after all I am the supervisor and hence responsible. Maybe I haven’t done enough?? More thought, more introspection.
Similarly issues in the business continue to affect me – attrition, leadership, new initiatives, blah blah blah. This is not just thought but extensive meetings/discussions around these areas where I have been forced to think and articulate and in some cases, commit. More than the team, it is this area that has also caused some degree of emotional exhaustion because this is my baby that is being discussed and planned for. Its part of me.
Which is why the ongoing transition is critical to me – to ensure there are no slippages, no discontinuities and maybe, somewhere, I leave a legacy that’s remembered. Sigh.
Speaking of parts, there’s a new part of me which has surfaced which I never knew existed, a very demonstrative part. Forget about others who have known me for a long time, even I get slightly freaked out when I think about it or observe it from a distance. But then, why should I think or observe? When I am “in” it, I am perfectly comfortable and feel perfectly natural. Which is why I don’t say I have changed, its just that a part has come out with a catalyst called DB. Dealing with it, of course, has taken time, and yes, that’s part of the mental exhaustion thingy.
This also seems to be the time of the year for practically everyone to face upheavals/changes in their lives – Dolly, Sau, Ven, Nik, Rku, Ank, Arj, Mum, U, Dar – the past 3 weeks have had in depth conversations with ALL of them! And I constantly feel guilty about the ones who I know are going through a lot but haven’t reached out to me and so have not got attention – Shal, Shk, Betu. In addition, I am not practicing what I preach – that just because someone hasn’t got issues doesn’t mean they get neglected – Hin, Jas, L, Shw etc etc etc. All these above thoughts have been occupying a significant amount of mindspace.
Not that I have completely recovered from the emotional rigors of the previous few weeks - job, K, Mum etc etc. Every now and then, there's the sudden knot in stomach, a rush of recent memory drawing me into momentary pain and confusion.
Plans for the future – next 1 month, next 3 months, and next 1 year – are another focus area (yuck yuck yuck, I am fed up of my language!). First, Dec – trips to Bbay, Kerala, Hyd and Delhi – all in a space of 1 month!!!!!!!!!! Then the onsite thing –how, when and for how long….god knows. Then the next year – I need to make some decisions here, am just thinking the ratio of heart/mind that I should use. Or maybe I should use my basic principle – using the heart as a decision making tool is ultimately using the mind!!!
Thankfully, all this “thinking” - past, present and future - has ensured that I haven’t “felt” too much, especially the feelings of the negative variety!
Considering that the thinking is soon going to be accompanied by hectic physical activity as well, I hope that the emotional roller coaster is stable enough and doesn’t start moving too fast!!!!! Else I am surely headed for a breakdown.
Which will bring me back to one of the recurring themes of this blog! Ha! Ha! Ha!
But yes, in the middle of this constant "exhaustion", there's peace.
The morning sms and the night chat, the sense of peace and love.
The tea, the laughter, the bitching, the comfort.
The online chat with Mum, the connect, the familiarity, the depth.
The drive home, the clarity, the space, the music.
Its these crucial moments that make my day.
Wednesday, November 22, 2006
Another visit to my fantasy
Unusual positions, innovative environments and experimental foods aside, one area of so-called "fantasy" for me has been Bombay.
I maintain that this city calls out to me. The largeness/anonymity feel, the energy and the bustle, the contrasts, the studied attitudes, the worship of consumerism, the recognition of night as part of day, the presence of the sea and hence things to do - it resonates with me.
Others maintain its my fantasy. That I love Bbay because I view it as the ideal vacation place, that I dont know the realities of living there. That I belong to Blr and Bombay will "suck my soul" and leave me unhappy and drained.
I submit that both the realities above, contrasting as they might be, are equally real. First of all, cant fantasies become reality? And reality need not always turn out pleasant, right? Isnt taking risk a part of life?
I continue to be attracted to the idea of moving there, even if as an experiment. Recent events make me feel that destiny is finally giving me a push in a direction which, it realises, I havent been in for fear of moving out of comfort zones.
Is it time?
p.s. I had a lovely, lovely weekend in Bbay, hence the post.
I maintain that this city calls out to me. The largeness/anonymity feel, the energy and the bustle, the contrasts, the studied attitudes, the worship of consumerism, the recognition of night as part of day, the presence of the sea and hence things to do - it resonates with me.
Others maintain its my fantasy. That I love Bbay because I view it as the ideal vacation place, that I dont know the realities of living there. That I belong to Blr and Bombay will "suck my soul" and leave me unhappy and drained.
I submit that both the realities above, contrasting as they might be, are equally real. First of all, cant fantasies become reality? And reality need not always turn out pleasant, right? Isnt taking risk a part of life?
I continue to be attracted to the idea of moving there, even if as an experiment. Recent events make me feel that destiny is finally giving me a push in a direction which, it realises, I havent been in for fear of moving out of comfort zones.
Is it time?
p.s. I had a lovely, lovely weekend in Bbay, hence the post.
Sunday, November 12, 2006
Missing a part of myself...
The rumbunctious sounds of the Don soundtrack fill the room....I have just come back from a pleasant, activity laden afternoon with U...am looking forward to drinks n dinner with Nik...have got a book I cant wait to get my teeth into.
And yet, all the while, I carry this ache around with me, a small piece of me that remains empty, yearning for the missing link that will make it whole.
Unfortunately, my life across the cities of Del-Blr-Chn-Dhk (and now Bom) has ensured that I am uncomfortably familiar with this feeling. Its the feeling of being torn, of wanting to be in two places at once....its the feeling that first makes me want to hate life and what it does to me and ends up making me want to hate myself for what I am and why I let life do this to me. Its a sweet feeling for all the nice memories it brings to me and its incredibly sad when it reminds me of what I am missing. It tickles me alive all over when it strikes all of a sudden and leaves me dead when it gets defeated and recedes.
Its the feeling I had guarded against for so long and had even pretended to forget it existed. But its back now, and I can no more pretend it doesn't exist than I can that I myself dont. Like the one I love, this feeling too is a part of me. A constant reminder of the pain that accompanies all happiness.
Until I find the missing link, the piece that I believe makes me whole.
And yet, all the while, I carry this ache around with me, a small piece of me that remains empty, yearning for the missing link that will make it whole.
Unfortunately, my life across the cities of Del-Blr-Chn-Dhk (and now Bom) has ensured that I am uncomfortably familiar with this feeling. Its the feeling of being torn, of wanting to be in two places at once....its the feeling that first makes me want to hate life and what it does to me and ends up making me want to hate myself for what I am and why I let life do this to me. Its a sweet feeling for all the nice memories it brings to me and its incredibly sad when it reminds me of what I am missing. It tickles me alive all over when it strikes all of a sudden and leaves me dead when it gets defeated and recedes.
Its the feeling I had guarded against for so long and had even pretended to forget it existed. But its back now, and I can no more pretend it doesn't exist than I can that I myself dont. Like the one I love, this feeling too is a part of me. A constant reminder of the pain that accompanies all happiness.
Until I find the missing link, the piece that I believe makes me whole.
Wednesday, November 08, 2006
Me and the Zodiac
Over the years, my fascination with Zodiac signs has only strengthened, upsetting the common notion that such interests are usually just teenage fascination! Of course, this could also mean that I am stuck in time, which is not far from the truth either! I do wish, however, that I had carried this interest further and deeper and not just been restricted to the Linda Goodman’s brand of literature. However, even with that, I have enjoyed myself thoroughly and it’s been a highly interesting journey of revelations about others, and self.
I say self, because that’s the direction in which this interest has moved. From my energies being focused on “guessing” (with approx. 75% accuracy) other people’s zodiac signs, and then predicting their behavior etc, I have grown more and more interested in my own equations with zodiac signs, the impact that certain people have on me and patterns that develop over time.
In the past few years, some of the interesting observations I have noted are given below – the most significant element is that my relationship with a particular sign is so reflective of the behavior associated with the sign! It makes me wonder whether I am in control at all or not!
· Capris - The number of Capris I know or am friendly with are less....but I certainly get along well with them! I also have the strangest association with them as well – because they are diametrically opposite to me, but then that’s probably the root cause of the (fatal) attraction – as I keep saying, cold Capris are a perfect foil for my madness J. But seriously, I submit my soul only to the altar of the dominant Capri. – Shk, H, DB
· Aquarians – invariably the people I have an instinctive liking for in a new group. I guess that’s natural because of the kind of personalities they have. But it’s a little more too – their strong individuality combined with a sense of fun appeals to me! Another strange thing is that I know several Aquarians with the same birth dates – 23rd Jan and 4th Feb being the most common. However, the relationships are usually not that long lasting or deep (Sidh being an exception), once again a function of the sign itself I guess. – Shef, Sidh, K, Son, Vik.
· Geminis – all my life I have avoided them thanks to Dolly. And suddenly from 2003 onw, I have a plethora of G friends! And yes, there’s no pattern in my relationships with them, ranging from highly inconsistent to very stable. The only common element is – humor and conversation. – Shw, Ven, Poo, Rku, Dom
· Librans – like the sign itself, my relationships with them too are blow hot-blow cold. Sudden surges of affection or chemistry can be followed by stronger drafts of coldness or just “deadness”. But the depth of feeling is usually strong and in some cases the impact of things going wrong can be harsh. – Sid, Lord, Jassi, Vky, J
· Scorpios – intensity signifies the sign and that’s what I am attracted TO. Usually the “silent waters run deep” types, I have had plenty of the “meeting of the mind” conversations with people of this sign. The other trend here is – the relationship is either very short or very long. – D, Eug, Jyo, Meet, LC, Ar
· Arians – the proverbial dark horses are thus in my life as well. Never having top of the mind recall when I think about signs I get along best with, people belonging to this sign have had the maximum influence on my life. Some have been just catalytic in their influence, changing the entire course of my life with their words or actions while others are less direct, influencing my thoughts and actions on a day to day basis. – Amit, L, Ank, M, Nik, Aish, Ruch, Am
· Pisces, Virgos, Sagis – no patterns at all. U, Sau and Shal are the singular friends I have from these signs. I am not getting into why I don’t get along too well with these signs, that’s another (less interesting) analysis that I am unwilling to invest in!
And where are the Leos??? Ha ha ha ha ha!!!!!
I say self, because that’s the direction in which this interest has moved. From my energies being focused on “guessing” (with approx. 75% accuracy) other people’s zodiac signs, and then predicting their behavior etc, I have grown more and more interested in my own equations with zodiac signs, the impact that certain people have on me and patterns that develop over time.
In the past few years, some of the interesting observations I have noted are given below – the most significant element is that my relationship with a particular sign is so reflective of the behavior associated with the sign! It makes me wonder whether I am in control at all or not!
· Capris - The number of Capris I know or am friendly with are less....but I certainly get along well with them! I also have the strangest association with them as well – because they are diametrically opposite to me, but then that’s probably the root cause of the (fatal) attraction – as I keep saying, cold Capris are a perfect foil for my madness J. But seriously, I submit my soul only to the altar of the dominant Capri. – Shk, H, DB
· Aquarians – invariably the people I have an instinctive liking for in a new group. I guess that’s natural because of the kind of personalities they have. But it’s a little more too – their strong individuality combined with a sense of fun appeals to me! Another strange thing is that I know several Aquarians with the same birth dates – 23rd Jan and 4th Feb being the most common. However, the relationships are usually not that long lasting or deep (Sidh being an exception), once again a function of the sign itself I guess. – Shef, Sidh, K, Son, Vik.
· Geminis – all my life I have avoided them thanks to Dolly. And suddenly from 2003 onw, I have a plethora of G friends! And yes, there’s no pattern in my relationships with them, ranging from highly inconsistent to very stable. The only common element is – humor and conversation. – Shw, Ven, Poo, Rku, Dom
· Librans – like the sign itself, my relationships with them too are blow hot-blow cold. Sudden surges of affection or chemistry can be followed by stronger drafts of coldness or just “deadness”. But the depth of feeling is usually strong and in some cases the impact of things going wrong can be harsh. – Sid, Lord, Jassi, Vky, J
· Scorpios – intensity signifies the sign and that’s what I am attracted TO. Usually the “silent waters run deep” types, I have had plenty of the “meeting of the mind” conversations with people of this sign. The other trend here is – the relationship is either very short or very long. – D, Eug, Jyo, Meet, LC, Ar
· Arians – the proverbial dark horses are thus in my life as well. Never having top of the mind recall when I think about signs I get along best with, people belonging to this sign have had the maximum influence on my life. Some have been just catalytic in their influence, changing the entire course of my life with their words or actions while others are less direct, influencing my thoughts and actions on a day to day basis. – Amit, L, Ank, M, Nik, Aish, Ruch, Am
· Pisces, Virgos, Sagis – no patterns at all. U, Sau and Shal are the singular friends I have from these signs. I am not getting into why I don’t get along too well with these signs, that’s another (less interesting) analysis that I am unwilling to invest in!
And where are the Leos??? Ha ha ha ha ha!!!!!
Monday, November 06, 2006
The landing
Before I knew it, the music had reached its crescendo. But somehow, it didn't feel like a dramatic renouement. Instead it was smooth. Exciting, but smooth. Tingling, but smooth. Exuberant, but smooth. The eagle, to borrow a cliche, had landed.
DB's holiday turned out to be mine too, one of the bestest ever. In so many ways that I know I would be doing an injustice to try and put them down on paper, I just dont have the talent. I can close my eyes and remember the conversations, the incidents, the expressions, the laughter, the bitching, the wonder, the drives and the walks, the silences and the words.....but no, I just dont have it in me to capture it.
But naturally, nothing is absolute. Complications, and pain, comes with the package. I can just echo what I have said on this blog (unfortunately too many times) - nothing worthwhile ever comes easy.
And I haven't really been known to take the easy routes, have I?
:)
DB's holiday turned out to be mine too, one of the bestest ever. In so many ways that I know I would be doing an injustice to try and put them down on paper, I just dont have the talent. I can close my eyes and remember the conversations, the incidents, the expressions, the laughter, the bitching, the wonder, the drives and the walks, the silences and the words.....but no, I just dont have it in me to capture it.
But naturally, nothing is absolute. Complications, and pain, comes with the package. I can just echo what I have said on this blog (unfortunately too many times) - nothing worthwhile ever comes easy.
And I haven't really been known to take the easy routes, have I?
:)
Tuesday, October 24, 2006
The Mango Tree
It's been weeks since my Hampi trip and I have been meaning to record my impressions. Yet one thing after another has overtaken me and my intentions didn't get translated to paper.
But I MUST write about one of the loveliest eating places I have ever been to - The Mango Tree.
After a few hours of tiring sightseeing, we were in dire need of a GOOD (yes, in capital letters) lunch. The cab driver didn't come up with any helpful suggestions until we got the brain wave of telling him to take us to where the "foreigners" go! Then off we were, a ten minute drive into the wild, passing an ancient rock painting, finally stopping at a large wrought iron gate. Walking through the gate, we realised we were on a small hill overlooking the river. We followed a tiny path through a banana plantation (of all things) and reached a suspiciously ordinary looking restaurant called the Mango Tree.
Suspicion turned to pleasant surprise as we took off our shoes and emerged into a small clearing that housed the joint. It is basically various levels of stone seating, with chatais underneath and the trees above. Your back is to the hill and you face the river and the rocky hills opposite. There is a swing in the middle, reminding you of the hundreds of movies you have seen on rural India and there is a plastic coated menu that reminds you very much of the urban India that you now inhabit. The range of food reflects the variety of clientele they get and is quite a relief for me (as to me holiday is synonymous with good food).
But this interesting, though factual, description doesn't even begin to capture the feel of the place. One can (and I did) just sit there for hours without feeling restless or compelled to move. You can eat leisurely, ordering in batches...finally ending up sipping mint tea as you look over the river (no interesting sight, though) and generally thinking about existentialism or about your pending to-do list. You can enjoy the muted conversations of other guests who dont stare at you or invade your space despite being close by. You can read peacefully and actually read without distraction, not just flip through magazines. You can enjoy the silence of the surrounding area and not miss music at all. You can put your feet up without worrying whether they are pedicured or not and you can listen to snatches of conversation that make you smile and think. You can basically take a break from life. And get served while doing so.
But I MUST write about one of the loveliest eating places I have ever been to - The Mango Tree.
After a few hours of tiring sightseeing, we were in dire need of a GOOD (yes, in capital letters) lunch. The cab driver didn't come up with any helpful suggestions until we got the brain wave of telling him to take us to where the "foreigners" go! Then off we were, a ten minute drive into the wild, passing an ancient rock painting, finally stopping at a large wrought iron gate. Walking through the gate, we realised we were on a small hill overlooking the river. We followed a tiny path through a banana plantation (of all things) and reached a suspiciously ordinary looking restaurant called the Mango Tree.
Suspicion turned to pleasant surprise as we took off our shoes and emerged into a small clearing that housed the joint. It is basically various levels of stone seating, with chatais underneath and the trees above. Your back is to the hill and you face the river and the rocky hills opposite. There is a swing in the middle, reminding you of the hundreds of movies you have seen on rural India and there is a plastic coated menu that reminds you very much of the urban India that you now inhabit. The range of food reflects the variety of clientele they get and is quite a relief for me (as to me holiday is synonymous with good food).
But this interesting, though factual, description doesn't even begin to capture the feel of the place. One can (and I did) just sit there for hours without feeling restless or compelled to move. You can eat leisurely, ordering in batches...finally ending up sipping mint tea as you look over the river (no interesting sight, though) and generally thinking about existentialism or about your pending to-do list. You can enjoy the muted conversations of other guests who dont stare at you or invade your space despite being close by. You can read peacefully and actually read without distraction, not just flip through magazines. You can enjoy the silence of the surrounding area and not miss music at all. You can put your feet up without worrying whether they are pedicured or not and you can listen to snatches of conversation that make you smile and think. You can basically take a break from life. And get served while doing so.
The "true" love?
In a recent conversation with DB, I had spoken about how all relationships are need based. That's natural. And yet, that is also the root of its downfall. I know this is idealistic, but the truest love is that which exists for its own sake. Maybe I was echoing this sonnet which I remember having read many many years ago and which I suddenly came across today.
Sonnet XIVI
f thou must love me, let it be for nought
Except for love's sake only. Do not sayI love her for her smile--her look--her way
Of speaking gently,--for a trick of thought
That falls in well with mine, and certes brought
A sense of ease on such a day--For these things in themselves, Belovèd, may
Be changed, or change for thee,--and love, so wrought,
May be unwrought so. Neither love me for
Thine own dear pity's wiping my cheek dry,--A creature might forget to weep, who bore
Thy comfort long, and lose thy love thereby!
But love me for love's sake, that evermore
Thou may'st love on, through love's eternity.
-- Elizabeth Barrett Browning
Sonnet XIVI
f thou must love me, let it be for nought
Except for love's sake only. Do not sayI love her for her smile--her look--her way
Of speaking gently,--for a trick of thought
That falls in well with mine, and certes brought
A sense of ease on such a day--For these things in themselves, Belovèd, may
Be changed, or change for thee,--and love, so wrought,
May be unwrought so. Neither love me for
Thine own dear pity's wiping my cheek dry,--A creature might forget to weep, who bore
Thy comfort long, and lose thy love thereby!
But love me for love's sake, that evermore
Thou may'st love on, through love's eternity.
-- Elizabeth Barrett Browning
Saturday, October 14, 2006
It's been a long, long time since I sat like this in the middle of the night, trying to capture the "whoosh" of thoughts and feelings swirling through my mind and soul.
And swirl they do, faster and faster. Both at work and outside, events are reaching a crescendo that will either peak with fulfilment or crash with disappointment. Whichever happens, the impact will be significant, sending ripples through my entire being, through my entire life; setting in motion a series of thoughts and actions that will define the pattern of my life over the next few years at least. Key words - Acn, Mer, DB.
I am scared. Honest to goodness scared. I so so want things to turn out in a certain way, but the way the music is playing, it's touch and go either way. I dont want to be hurt again. I dont want to feel I have compromised. I dont want to regret later. But I cant afford to want any of this. Because the music plays on....and it can go either way....I can keep wanting all I want, I can be as scared as I like. The music is ruthless even when it soothes.
And swirl they do, faster and faster. Both at work and outside, events are reaching a crescendo that will either peak with fulfilment or crash with disappointment. Whichever happens, the impact will be significant, sending ripples through my entire being, through my entire life; setting in motion a series of thoughts and actions that will define the pattern of my life over the next few years at least. Key words - Acn, Mer, DB.
I am scared. Honest to goodness scared. I so so want things to turn out in a certain way, but the way the music is playing, it's touch and go either way. I dont want to be hurt again. I dont want to feel I have compromised. I dont want to regret later. But I cant afford to want any of this. Because the music plays on....and it can go either way....I can keep wanting all I want, I can be as scared as I like. The music is ruthless even when it soothes.
Monday, October 02, 2006
and the wheels turn....
Hot coffee scalds my lips as I write this. The sun is shining and the breeze tousles my hair like a friendly lover. I am ensconced comfortably on this terrace café, in a cane chair, on plump cushions, slightly dazed after a heavy meal replete with dessert. It’s three thirty in the afternoon and all I have done till now is to wake up (at the unprecedented late hour of eleven), have tea, finish my novel, get picked up by Nkj, and indulge in a heavy lunch. And there are no specific plans for the rest of the day. And this is the third day in a row when I am doing this. To repeat the word, unprecedented. To use another word, blissful.
But things are never blissful, are they? The song playing in the background – Dire Strait’s Winds of Change – is eerily reflective of what I am thinking.
The intensely painful exchange of words with K….the sudden resurgence of V followed by the even more sudden bitter reaction…the two engaging, intelligent conversations with Shankar and Hema…the escalating quantity and quality of my interaction with DD – they have all been so unexpected, leaving me breathless with a cauldron of emotions – pain, anger, confidence, hope. There’s some pattern here, and the unexpectedness is just part of it. And it makes me certain that the tide is turning, that somewhere in the realms of the underground wheels are turning towards a direction I am as yet unaware of.
I will not try to indulge in either imaginative or intellectual forecasting, because it is of no use. Several of my previous posts indicate that I have been uncomfortably aware of these winds approaching. I am equally aware of the futility of trying to anticipate what the winds will bring or where they will take me. All I have are my basic anchors – my value system, my survivor instinct, my loved ones – and I shall go along making the best of whatever is thrown my way. And when I have reached (or rather, been taken to) some sort of destination, I will record it.
But things are never blissful, are they? The song playing in the background – Dire Strait’s Winds of Change – is eerily reflective of what I am thinking.
The intensely painful exchange of words with K….the sudden resurgence of V followed by the even more sudden bitter reaction…the two engaging, intelligent conversations with Shankar and Hema…the escalating quantity and quality of my interaction with DD – they have all been so unexpected, leaving me breathless with a cauldron of emotions – pain, anger, confidence, hope. There’s some pattern here, and the unexpectedness is just part of it. And it makes me certain that the tide is turning, that somewhere in the realms of the underground wheels are turning towards a direction I am as yet unaware of.
I will not try to indulge in either imaginative or intellectual forecasting, because it is of no use. Several of my previous posts indicate that I have been uncomfortably aware of these winds approaching. I am equally aware of the futility of trying to anticipate what the winds will bring or where they will take me. All I have are my basic anchors – my value system, my survivor instinct, my loved ones – and I shall go along making the best of whatever is thrown my way. And when I have reached (or rather, been taken to) some sort of destination, I will record it.
Monday, September 25, 2006
Pleasure trip
Weekend reading -
> The Know it All - an explosion of thoughts and information (both pretty much useless most of the time!) delivered in a series of succint paragraphs and pages that make you rock with laughter and caustically raise your brows in an equal measure. The book is essentially the author's (he is an Esquire editor, to make it even more surreal) journey through the Encyclopaedia Brittanica (did I spell that right?) and the totally lateral thinking he indulges in while doing so. The best thing about this book is that its extremely readable but not gripping as it's not in a "story" form. Hence, its become my coffee shop book - I carry it around in my car and pick it up for reading whenever I go for my regular coffee/tea outings (as I will tonight....its raining and so peaceful)
> Diplomatic Baggage - as hilarious as the book above, but as addictive as QAF! - "where does she go next?" "what happened to her next?" - these questions have driven me to read this book every night for the past five days and hence sleep much later than usual. The book is written by an EC diplomat's wife and is an account of her travels with him. What makes it more than just "funny", are the highly compassionate approach to all situations as well as the vicarious sense of pleasure one gets through a travel book!
Weekend outings -
> Opus - after a horrendously boring alumni dinner/presentation, going to Opus was like stumbling on to an Oasis. I dont know if it was the fact that I was near boredom-death when I reached there, but the place positively sparkled this Saturday! All elements converged somehow - the grey crouds against the palm trees, the twinkling lights in the hatch roof, the DJ belting out Boney M tunes, the purrfect Mojito, the good company (H). What sets this place apart from all other Blr joints is the unpredictability of the entertainment it has to offer. At the same time, it has the that beautiful aspect to it which is common to all good places here - the complete democracy in its clientele, a complete lack of homegeneity. I saw pierced-eyebrow-youngsters next to button-down-yuppies next to long-skirt-aunties, all shaking their booty to Grease Lightning! Loved it.
Weekend movies -
> Dor - to be honest, my first reaction to this movie is "its such a radical departure from Nagesh Kukunoor's style, I am sure he has got someone to ghost direct it". Having said that (not that I am not a fan of his style of movies, I am), this movie is one of the most surprising in a lot of other ways too - the sheer simplicity of its storytelling (I felt I was reading a well written novel), the evocative music, the fine performances, the sheer strength of its message. I thoroughly enjoyed it and it has suitably compensated for my recent disappointments.
> The Know it All - an explosion of thoughts and information (both pretty much useless most of the time!) delivered in a series of succint paragraphs and pages that make you rock with laughter and caustically raise your brows in an equal measure. The book is essentially the author's (he is an Esquire editor, to make it even more surreal) journey through the Encyclopaedia Brittanica (did I spell that right?) and the totally lateral thinking he indulges in while doing so. The best thing about this book is that its extremely readable but not gripping as it's not in a "story" form. Hence, its become my coffee shop book - I carry it around in my car and pick it up for reading whenever I go for my regular coffee/tea outings (as I will tonight....its raining and so peaceful)
> Diplomatic Baggage - as hilarious as the book above, but as addictive as QAF! - "where does she go next?" "what happened to her next?" - these questions have driven me to read this book every night for the past five days and hence sleep much later than usual. The book is written by an EC diplomat's wife and is an account of her travels with him. What makes it more than just "funny", are the highly compassionate approach to all situations as well as the vicarious sense of pleasure one gets through a travel book!
Weekend outings -
> Opus - after a horrendously boring alumni dinner/presentation, going to Opus was like stumbling on to an Oasis. I dont know if it was the fact that I was near boredom-death when I reached there, but the place positively sparkled this Saturday! All elements converged somehow - the grey crouds against the palm trees, the twinkling lights in the hatch roof, the DJ belting out Boney M tunes, the purrfect Mojito, the good company (H). What sets this place apart from all other Blr joints is the unpredictability of the entertainment it has to offer. At the same time, it has the that beautiful aspect to it which is common to all good places here - the complete democracy in its clientele, a complete lack of homegeneity. I saw pierced-eyebrow-youngsters next to button-down-yuppies next to long-skirt-aunties, all shaking their booty to Grease Lightning! Loved it.
Weekend movies -
> Dor - to be honest, my first reaction to this movie is "its such a radical departure from Nagesh Kukunoor's style, I am sure he has got someone to ghost direct it". Having said that (not that I am not a fan of his style of movies, I am), this movie is one of the most surprising in a lot of other ways too - the sheer simplicity of its storytelling (I felt I was reading a well written novel), the evocative music, the fine performances, the sheer strength of its message. I thoroughly enjoyed it and it has suitably compensated for my recent disappointments.
Sunday, September 24, 2006
Thinking - pause.
The more I think, the more negative the spiral. I don’t know why that should be so…in the past, thinking has often been my route to appreciate the world around me, the people, their characters, their achievements; it been my way of imbibing the impact of the arts, of examining and evolving myself.
For the past few weeks however, thinking has led me to get morose, regretful and much worse, disillusioned and disappointed. A significant contributor to this state of mind is the games that people play, an often recurring observation through the years. Usually they arouse in me amusement and fascination – the lies that people concoct about themselves, the way they use one emotion as an excuse for another, the multiple levels at which they lead their lives, the subversive tactics they employ even on their loved ones to get what they want, the twist that conventional philosophies are given to justify their own lies (e.g.” life is short so live it fully”, translated to “I will do whatever I want, at whatever cost, because life is short and I want to live it fully”!!!). But this amusement/fascination was probably the reaction from my arrogant ivory tower, which was earlier peopled with those I had carefully filtered, sifted through and developed as “close ones” who I “liked and respected”. Thanks to my changing behavior patterns over the years, today my circle is not just about these people…others are now directly touching my life too. And so do their games. And the snob that I am, it irks me, never mind that it’s my own doing.
So today I am caught somewhere in the middle. I don’t want to be cynical – that’s not me, and that’s not where I want to go either. But I don’t dare hope, because that hope is invariably crushed by disappointment.
Switching off is not a solution. As I have seen earlier, switching off did eliminate some of these negatives from my life but affected the positives too. And that’s a risk I am just not willing to take…life is too short and too unpredictable to take these positives for granted. (in positives, I include my relationships that are my anchor as well as my own essence, which is growth oriented and positive)
So what I probably need to do is some reverse filtering. It won’t be very painful because, quite logically, as the breadth of my acquaintance has widened, the depth has decreased. But it will be highly inconvenient, because I would need to give up on a way of life – actions, events, interactions – which I had enjoyed and gotten used to. It will also be cumbersome, taking up effort and mind space during a period when I need my energies and focus more than ever. But it’s something that I need to do, so I will do it.
For the past few weeks however, thinking has led me to get morose, regretful and much worse, disillusioned and disappointed. A significant contributor to this state of mind is the games that people play, an often recurring observation through the years. Usually they arouse in me amusement and fascination – the lies that people concoct about themselves, the way they use one emotion as an excuse for another, the multiple levels at which they lead their lives, the subversive tactics they employ even on their loved ones to get what they want, the twist that conventional philosophies are given to justify their own lies (e.g.” life is short so live it fully”, translated to “I will do whatever I want, at whatever cost, because life is short and I want to live it fully”!!!). But this amusement/fascination was probably the reaction from my arrogant ivory tower, which was earlier peopled with those I had carefully filtered, sifted through and developed as “close ones” who I “liked and respected”. Thanks to my changing behavior patterns over the years, today my circle is not just about these people…others are now directly touching my life too. And so do their games. And the snob that I am, it irks me, never mind that it’s my own doing.
So today I am caught somewhere in the middle. I don’t want to be cynical – that’s not me, and that’s not where I want to go either. But I don’t dare hope, because that hope is invariably crushed by disappointment.
Switching off is not a solution. As I have seen earlier, switching off did eliminate some of these negatives from my life but affected the positives too. And that’s a risk I am just not willing to take…life is too short and too unpredictable to take these positives for granted. (in positives, I include my relationships that are my anchor as well as my own essence, which is growth oriented and positive)
So what I probably need to do is some reverse filtering. It won’t be very painful because, quite logically, as the breadth of my acquaintance has widened, the depth has decreased. But it will be highly inconvenient, because I would need to give up on a way of life – actions, events, interactions – which I had enjoyed and gotten used to. It will also be cumbersome, taking up effort and mind space during a period when I need my energies and focus more than ever. But it’s something that I need to do, so I will do it.
Wednesday, September 20, 2006
Back on...
Yes its been ten days since I returned from Delhi and I have not yet been able to post anything. Writing even in its most superfluous forms is demanding and one of its foremost demands is for you to open your mind, if not your heart, to the power of the pen. And that’s something that I could not bring myself to. Not because I couldn’t handle it, but because I didn’t want to. I didn’t want to feel so strongly that something burnt inside; I didn’t want to think so hard that all energy got sapped out of me. I didn’t want to look at areas I was already uncomfortably familiar with and I didn’t want to visit places that I knew didn’t agree with me.
In some strange, ironic way, I seem to have found that release today, 20th Sep, exactly a year from that day. Maybe it’s some perverse sub conscious way of paying homage to the person whose company made me feel comfortable and secure and free. Or maybe it’s because daily affairs have consumed me to such an extent that anything deeper doesn’t seem to matter anymore. But the end result is that I am at least writing again.
I just saw Bas Ek Pal, a movie I had been looking forward to as its director had previously made My Brother Nikhil, one of my all time favorites. I was quite disappointed but I would not like to blame my high expectations for that. Despite an extremely interesting storyline and good performers, the director was just not able to craft it all together into an engaging movie.
But I also realize that, as a very rare occurrence, my current state of mind and mood has also influenced my reaction to the movie. To be very honest, as I grapple with my grief and anger and regret and loss, and the knowledge that I have been grappling with these and will continue to do so for a long time, I find myself more and more unable to bear the cast of loser characters in the movie. I realize it’s an unfair comparison and I will probably change my mind tomorrow, but as of now, I just feel irritation at people who are not content with the pain that life throws at us anyway, and allow their weaknesses to actually create pain where none could have been allowed to exist…how stupid!!! (the reason I say this logic is unfair is because pain created from any source is still painful, and that realization is the basis for compassion)
Off the cuff, I have recently seen some other movies too which had more or less a similar set of characters – KANK, Closer, Match Point. Each movie was cynical (as opposed to compassionate) in its view of human folly, each movie touched unerringly on the inherent ruthlessness and selfishness that seems to increase in direct proportion to the weakness in our character. People use people. People just use love as an excuse to be ruthless. Love rarely exists. And when it does, it’s marred immediately by infidel or unjust acts that destroy the purity it should ideally represent.
This irritation carries over (or maybe is a carry over from) into my personal life as well. I am tired of being “balanced” in my perspective, “holistic” in my judgment, “detached” in my view…or to put it plainly - I am tired of making excuses for people. I genuinely love people and I genuinely love relationships. I want to like people wholeheartedly. And I want to respect people wholeheartedly. This is not an unrealistic expectation. It’s just tough and requires discipline and effort. But then, everything that’s worthwhile does. The easy way is for the losers anyway.
In some strange, ironic way, I seem to have found that release today, 20th Sep, exactly a year from that day. Maybe it’s some perverse sub conscious way of paying homage to the person whose company made me feel comfortable and secure and free. Or maybe it’s because daily affairs have consumed me to such an extent that anything deeper doesn’t seem to matter anymore. But the end result is that I am at least writing again.
I just saw Bas Ek Pal, a movie I had been looking forward to as its director had previously made My Brother Nikhil, one of my all time favorites. I was quite disappointed but I would not like to blame my high expectations for that. Despite an extremely interesting storyline and good performers, the director was just not able to craft it all together into an engaging movie.
But I also realize that, as a very rare occurrence, my current state of mind and mood has also influenced my reaction to the movie. To be very honest, as I grapple with my grief and anger and regret and loss, and the knowledge that I have been grappling with these and will continue to do so for a long time, I find myself more and more unable to bear the cast of loser characters in the movie. I realize it’s an unfair comparison and I will probably change my mind tomorrow, but as of now, I just feel irritation at people who are not content with the pain that life throws at us anyway, and allow their weaknesses to actually create pain where none could have been allowed to exist…how stupid!!! (the reason I say this logic is unfair is because pain created from any source is still painful, and that realization is the basis for compassion)
Off the cuff, I have recently seen some other movies too which had more or less a similar set of characters – KANK, Closer, Match Point. Each movie was cynical (as opposed to compassionate) in its view of human folly, each movie touched unerringly on the inherent ruthlessness and selfishness that seems to increase in direct proportion to the weakness in our character. People use people. People just use love as an excuse to be ruthless. Love rarely exists. And when it does, it’s marred immediately by infidel or unjust acts that destroy the purity it should ideally represent.
This irritation carries over (or maybe is a carry over from) into my personal life as well. I am tired of being “balanced” in my perspective, “holistic” in my judgment, “detached” in my view…or to put it plainly - I am tired of making excuses for people. I genuinely love people and I genuinely love relationships. I want to like people wholeheartedly. And I want to respect people wholeheartedly. This is not an unrealistic expectation. It’s just tough and requires discipline and effort. But then, everything that’s worthwhile does. The easy way is for the losers anyway.
Saturday, September 09, 2006
Mama
In the midst of the turbulence, the irritation, the disappointments, the exhaustion, there's one thought that seeps through my body and mind...
Your absence has gone through me
Like a thread through a needle
Everything I do
Is stitched with its color
Your absence has gone through me
Like a thread through a needle
Everything I do
Is stitched with its color
Sunday, September 03, 2006
Just cant tolerate them!!!!!!
Next time someone gives me feedback that I need to improve my tolerance levels, I shall use Naveen's response - "I cant help it if the pace of growth of stupidity is faster than my tolerance levels!"
Seriously...I am generally a nice, reasonable guy who makes (ok, has learnt to make) allowances for imperfections in people (especially since I realise that only then will they make allowances for mine!!) and tries (operative word, unfortunately) to be non judgmental when they do stuff pretty much against my...ahem...morality (ya, ya, I still have some of those)
But...and this is a big but (no pun intended at all)...I will NOT change my tolerance levels for....
> People who tell me I should increase my tolerance levels to accomodate the growing stupidity around me
> People who are genuinely genuinely dumb and make no attempt whatsoever to change that status
> Men who under their tight shirts-trendy haircuts-English speaking-urban persona continue to be staunch MCPs
> People who are clannish - religion/region/sexual orientation/career/language
> People who act very nice with/about people they thoroughly dislike (for their own perverted, often gossipy, motives)
> Parents who force children to pursue a career/marry/produce kids for "my sake"
> People who ignore or mistreat their elderly parents/relatives
> Young women (20/30) who bitch/gossip about teenage and "morality"
> People who quickly declare themselves guilty (of being selfish/weak/not realising their potential/careless etc etc) and think the matter's closed
> People who love to advise others but never extend support/help
> People who try saving on petrol in their car
> People who always, always come late
> People who say (in a very profound way) "relationships are all about give and take"...or even better, "there is a right time for doing everything in life" or similar absurdities
Cant remember any more now, will add to this list later :)
Seriously...I am generally a nice, reasonable guy who makes (ok, has learnt to make) allowances for imperfections in people (especially since I realise that only then will they make allowances for mine!!) and tries (operative word, unfortunately) to be non judgmental when they do stuff pretty much against my...ahem...morality (ya, ya, I still have some of those)
But...and this is a big but (no pun intended at all)...I will NOT change my tolerance levels for....
> People who tell me I should increase my tolerance levels to accomodate the growing stupidity around me
> People who are genuinely genuinely dumb and make no attempt whatsoever to change that status
> Men who under their tight shirts-trendy haircuts-English speaking-urban persona continue to be staunch MCPs
> People who are clannish - religion/region/sexual orientation/career/language
> People who act very nice with/about people they thoroughly dislike (for their own perverted, often gossipy, motives)
> Parents who force children to pursue a career/marry/produce kids for "my sake"
> People who ignore or mistreat their elderly parents/relatives
> Young women (20/30) who bitch/gossip about teenage and "morality"
> People who quickly declare themselves guilty (of being selfish/weak/not realising their potential/careless etc etc) and think the matter's closed
> People who love to advise others but never extend support/help
> People who try saving on petrol in their car
> People who always, always come late
> People who say (in a very profound way) "relationships are all about give and take"...or even better, "there is a right time for doing everything in life" or similar absurdities
Cant remember any more now, will add to this list later :)
Hip hop of the mind
I am glad I took those 2 days off the previous week else I dont think I w0uld have survived the week that's just gone by. Each day of this week demanded complete immersion and attention of every faculty of my persona in every aspect.
There were the offsite/community events that required me to socialise, smile, be alert, be quick on the draw, observe and understand.
There were the multiple social occasions that got me into a "fun" mode that was exhausting nevertheless, whether it be the firangi paani outing with the team or the dance-for-3-hrs-at-a-stretch at the HR party.
There was the scary, pitiful incident of the girl who attempted suicide right in front of me, and whose life I now closely follow and narrate every day, keeping multiple stakeholders posted, discussing implications, actions etc etc. Through all these discussions, I just keep remembering her face, near-dead to the world.
There were the involved conversations with "friends" (yes, I have again fallen into the trap of using that word more loosely than it deserves to be) who had experiences, thoughts, emotions, events to share. I was sometimes a listener, sometimes a partner, sometimes a distraction....but through them all, I realised two things that haven't changed in me - I can never be completely detached and one thought always leads to another. For example, it wasn't enough that these conversations sometimes challenged me to a dangerous point (for example, what do you say to someone who tells you that if he died today, there would be no one to really really grieve over him?), I had to take them a step further and start figuring out who MY real friends are. And that, needless to say, is a long path.
There was the ever present pressure of work - rising attrition, upcoming compensation issues - that needed me to think, plan, think, plan, act, talk, shout, be calm, think, plan, write, talk.....
There was the upcoming trip to Delhi - planning work (which will be critical - moderations) around it, planning the logistics, deciding how to spend my time, who to meet.
There was the re-opened subject of my career - what to do next? and once I have decided that, where to do it? BPO/IDC/Shared Services? Accenture or outside? BPO or IT or FMCG or Consulting? Blr or Bom or Del? And once that's clearer, HOW????
So, at the cost of sounding like a broken record, I am exhausted - mentally, physically, emotionally. And the next week - Delhi - doesn't look better. And the week after that - moderation meetings - doesn't look restful either.
But, practical boy, that I am, I recharged myself a bit last week by taking 2 days off. I recharged myself a bit this weekend by spending time with D, U. Will think of something for next week too. Ha!
In the meanwhile, I will keep thinking and doing and talking and feeling and doing and thinking and feeling and talking......like I am doing right now...crying for some strange stupid reason.
There were the offsite/community events that required me to socialise, smile, be alert, be quick on the draw, observe and understand.
There were the multiple social occasions that got me into a "fun" mode that was exhausting nevertheless, whether it be the firangi paani outing with the team or the dance-for-3-hrs-at-a-stretch at the HR party.
There was the scary, pitiful incident of the girl who attempted suicide right in front of me, and whose life I now closely follow and narrate every day, keeping multiple stakeholders posted, discussing implications, actions etc etc. Through all these discussions, I just keep remembering her face, near-dead to the world.
There were the involved conversations with "friends" (yes, I have again fallen into the trap of using that word more loosely than it deserves to be) who had experiences, thoughts, emotions, events to share. I was sometimes a listener, sometimes a partner, sometimes a distraction....but through them all, I realised two things that haven't changed in me - I can never be completely detached and one thought always leads to another. For example, it wasn't enough that these conversations sometimes challenged me to a dangerous point (for example, what do you say to someone who tells you that if he died today, there would be no one to really really grieve over him?), I had to take them a step further and start figuring out who MY real friends are. And that, needless to say, is a long path.
There was the ever present pressure of work - rising attrition, upcoming compensation issues - that needed me to think, plan, think, plan, act, talk, shout, be calm, think, plan, write, talk.....
There was the upcoming trip to Delhi - planning work (which will be critical - moderations) around it, planning the logistics, deciding how to spend my time, who to meet.
There was the re-opened subject of my career - what to do next? and once I have decided that, where to do it? BPO/IDC/Shared Services? Accenture or outside? BPO or IT or FMCG or Consulting? Blr or Bom or Del? And once that's clearer, HOW????
So, at the cost of sounding like a broken record, I am exhausted - mentally, physically, emotionally. And the next week - Delhi - doesn't look better. And the week after that - moderation meetings - doesn't look restful either.
But, practical boy, that I am, I recharged myself a bit last week by taking 2 days off. I recharged myself a bit this weekend by spending time with D, U. Will think of something for next week too. Ha!
In the meanwhile, I will keep thinking and doing and talking and feeling and doing and thinking and feeling and talking......like I am doing right now...crying for some strange stupid reason.
I am glad I took those 2 days off the previous week else I dont think I w0uld have survived the week that's just gone by. Each day of this week demanded complete immersion and attention of every faculty of my persona in every aspect.
There were the offsite/community events that required me to socialise, smile, be alert, be quick on the draw, observe and understand.
There were the multiple social occasions that got me into a "fun" mode that was exhausting nevertheless, whether it be the firangi paani outing with the team or the dance-for-3-hrs-at-a-stretch at the HR party.
There was the scary, pitiful incident of the girl who attempted suicide right in front of me, and whose life I now closely follow and narrate every day, keeping multiple stakeholders posted, discussing implications, actions etc etc. Through all these discussions, I just keep remembering her face, near-dead to the world.
There were the involved conversations with "friends" (yes, I have again fallen into the trap of using that word more loosely than it deserves to be) who had experiences, thoughts, emotions, events to share. I was sometimes a listener, sometimes a partner, sometimes a distraction....but through them all, I realised two things that haven't changed in me - I can never be completely detached and one thought always leads to another. For example, it wasn't enough that these conversations sometimes challenged me to a dangerous point (for example, what do you say to someone who tells you that if he died today, there would be no one to really really grieve over him?), I had to take them a step further and start figuring out who MY real friends are. And that, needless to say, is a long path.
There was the ever present pressure of work - rising attrition, upcoming compensation issues - that needed me to think, plan, think, plan, act, talk, shout, be calm, think, plan, write, talk.....
There was the upcoming trip to Delhi - planning work (which will be critical - moderations) around it, planning the logistics, deciding how to spend my time, who to meet.
There was the re-opened subject of my career - what to do next? and once I have decided that, where to do it? BPO/IDC/Shared Services? Accenture or outside? BPO or IT or FMCG or Consulting? Blr or Bom or Del? And once that's clearer, HOW????
So, at the cost of sounding like a broken record, I am exhausted - mentally, physically, emotionally. And the next week - Delhi - doesn't look better. And the week after that - moderation meetings - doesn't look restful either.
But, practical boy, that I am, I recharged myself a bit last week by taking 2 days off. I recharged myself a bit this weekend by spending time with D, U. Will think of something for next week too. Ha!
In the meanwhile, I will keep thinking and doing and talking and feeling and doing and thinking and feeling and talking......like I am doing right now...crying for some strange stupid reason.
There were the offsite/community events that required me to socialise, smile, be alert, be quick on the draw, observe and understand.
There were the multiple social occasions that got me into a "fun" mode that was exhausting nevertheless, whether it be the firangi paani outing with the team or the dance-for-3-hrs-at-a-stretch at the HR party.
There was the scary, pitiful incident of the girl who attempted suicide right in front of me, and whose life I now closely follow and narrate every day, keeping multiple stakeholders posted, discussing implications, actions etc etc. Through all these discussions, I just keep remembering her face, near-dead to the world.
There were the involved conversations with "friends" (yes, I have again fallen into the trap of using that word more loosely than it deserves to be) who had experiences, thoughts, emotions, events to share. I was sometimes a listener, sometimes a partner, sometimes a distraction....but through them all, I realised two things that haven't changed in me - I can never be completely detached and one thought always leads to another. For example, it wasn't enough that these conversations sometimes challenged me to a dangerous point (for example, what do you say to someone who tells you that if he died today, there would be no one to really really grieve over him?), I had to take them a step further and start figuring out who MY real friends are. And that, needless to say, is a long path.
There was the ever present pressure of work - rising attrition, upcoming compensation issues - that needed me to think, plan, think, plan, act, talk, shout, be calm, think, plan, write, talk.....
There was the upcoming trip to Delhi - planning work (which will be critical - moderations) around it, planning the logistics, deciding how to spend my time, who to meet.
There was the re-opened subject of my career - what to do next? and once I have decided that, where to do it? BPO/IDC/Shared Services? Accenture or outside? BPO or IT or FMCG or Consulting? Blr or Bom or Del? And once that's clearer, HOW????
So, at the cost of sounding like a broken record, I am exhausted - mentally, physically, emotionally. And the next week - Delhi - doesn't look better. And the week after that - moderation meetings - doesn't look restful either.
But, practical boy, that I am, I recharged myself a bit last week by taking 2 days off. I recharged myself a bit this weekend by spending time with D, U. Will think of something for next week too. Ha!
In the meanwhile, I will keep thinking and doing and talking and feeling and doing and thinking and feeling and talking......like I am doing right now...crying for some strange stupid reason.
Sunday, August 27, 2006
Switched on
I was tired, really really tired. Of what, I am not too sure. I was working long hours, sure, but had worked much harder for much longer earlier. No catastrophic events had shaken up my life recently, neither had any of the relationships become too complex. Nevertheless, I was exhausted - mentally, emotionally, physically. Instead of trying to arrive at root causes, I decided to take some time off. And this time actually translated the decision into action, at the cost of getting into the wrong books of the right people at the wrong time, i.e. the HR offsite.
Not only did I take time off, but I switched off as well, just vegetating for two days in a row, avoiding any form of art/conversation that made me think or feel...reading chick lits, watching QAF, indulging in mindless banter. The following weekend was nothing earth shattering either. People interactions ranged from polite social (H, D) to mildly complex (K) to thoroughly pleasant (U, Sau)...activities were a safe mix of shopping, salon, movies. So I remained switched off, and didnt think. Not at all.
Didnt think of the strange connection that we have with loved ones..that till date Nan just starts feeling funny and calls me/Mum up when we are not well...the episodes with Mum and Ashu....me and Ban, Amit. This connection that seems to operate at a different level that rationality finds difficult to explain and yet is not so unbelievable either.
Didnt think of the unexpected places where relationships land up. They start with some constants - your own self; some variables - the events; some assumptions - the other's personality, what he/she can do, will do. And using all this you form some sort of chart for the future, and yet deviations take you to places that could be unexpected, and not always inviting. This is happening more and more with me recently (and is probably due to the less-thought-more-passive approach that Shk pointed out today) - the emotional land mine (Lord), the emotional stability card (Sau), the sense of failure (K), the big brother perspective (A)....its happening with "older" people too...the sense of security (U), the sense of distance (L) for example. Yes, all unexpected places, leaving me amused at myself for thinking I am smarter and trying to hit moving targets. Also leaving me a little wide eyed as I wonder about the mysterious routes charted despite our best intentions...maybe God is ensuring our health by ensuring we DONT get what we want?
Didnt think of the sudden blurs surrounding my life, the several loose ends that currently sway loosely in the wind, while I watch and think that I must hold them tight and yet my hand doesnt move. Life, roles, career...and the numerous small activities that must add up to these larger decisions...conversations with boss, sending CVs, closing certs issue, talking to colleges...all hanging. Maybe I need this time off to get my energy back to do such stuff.
Nope. Didnt think at all. Just switched off.
Not only did I take time off, but I switched off as well, just vegetating for two days in a row, avoiding any form of art/conversation that made me think or feel...reading chick lits, watching QAF, indulging in mindless banter. The following weekend was nothing earth shattering either. People interactions ranged from polite social (H, D) to mildly complex (K) to thoroughly pleasant (U, Sau)...activities were a safe mix of shopping, salon, movies. So I remained switched off, and didnt think. Not at all.
Didnt think of the strange connection that we have with loved ones..that till date Nan just starts feeling funny and calls me/Mum up when we are not well...the episodes with Mum and Ashu....me and Ban, Amit. This connection that seems to operate at a different level that rationality finds difficult to explain and yet is not so unbelievable either.
Didnt think of the unexpected places where relationships land up. They start with some constants - your own self; some variables - the events; some assumptions - the other's personality, what he/she can do, will do. And using all this you form some sort of chart for the future, and yet deviations take you to places that could be unexpected, and not always inviting. This is happening more and more with me recently (and is probably due to the less-thought-more-passive approach that Shk pointed out today) - the emotional land mine (Lord), the emotional stability card (Sau), the sense of failure (K), the big brother perspective (A)....its happening with "older" people too...the sense of security (U), the sense of distance (L) for example. Yes, all unexpected places, leaving me amused at myself for thinking I am smarter and trying to hit moving targets. Also leaving me a little wide eyed as I wonder about the mysterious routes charted despite our best intentions...maybe God is ensuring our health by ensuring we DONT get what we want?
Didnt think of the sudden blurs surrounding my life, the several loose ends that currently sway loosely in the wind, while I watch and think that I must hold them tight and yet my hand doesnt move. Life, roles, career...and the numerous small activities that must add up to these larger decisions...conversations with boss, sending CVs, closing certs issue, talking to colleges...all hanging. Maybe I need this time off to get my energy back to do such stuff.
Nope. Didnt think at all. Just switched off.
Monday, August 21, 2006
Budday
I am struggling to keep awake as I write this. I am not even sure why I am writing this, considering that I have no concrete or comprehensive thoughts or feelings to record. Or maybe that's why I am here...trying to peer through the blur that has surrounded this day and make firmer shapes of the softer thoughts and memories that have clouded my mind.....what did I do today?
I felt the same sadness that has become a part of me for the past year or so. Despite control, despite catharsis, it continues to be alive, sending out painful feelers every few moments/days in the most unexpected times. Like today.
I got irritated at myself for getting irritated with things in people that I knew would irritate me but I had thought I had steeled myself against in advance. (Yes, that sentence does make sense to me)
I just dissolved into tears everytime someone said or did something sweet. A had "happy birthday sudeep" on all his chat ids...LC spoke to me about how she has seen me grow and evolve...D handed me a jacket and apologised for the time 2 years when he had tried to find me a suede jacket in China (which I had been looking for)but couldn't...Unni called twice, trying to create touch where none had existed for months...Mum sent a card that had the simplest, nicest words on it...
I vaguely felt that I should look at my resolutions for the year and figure out where I stand...and then I realised that that may not be such a good picture, so may as well let it be...but the seed had been planted and I thought about it and thought a little more...
I wore a bright pink shirt with striped grey trousers and a crisp smile that got me compliments of a nature I am certainly not used to.
I answered a lot more calls today than I remember doing last year (The day started with a conversation with Ank, ended with Sej. What a contrast!). So I guess the resolution of having lesser people in my life has not really worked out. However, I did restrain on going out. Last year I had met 6 different people. Today I went for a quiet dinner with D. Naturally the view for the next week doesn't look good.
So anyway, why am I making a big deal of this? It was a blurred day, it was a blurred day. BFD.
But. I dont like blurs. Unfortunate experience tells me blurs are usually our way of cutting out pain or avoiding decisive reality. Since there is no reason why I should feeling too much pain, I can only imagine the latter objective. In that case, I am determined to pierce out the exact thoughts that are lurking in this fog and face whatever I have to face, even if it is the harshest of realities. Bloody hell, my mind is trying to play games with me...doesn't it know what I made of!!!!
I felt the same sadness that has become a part of me for the past year or so. Despite control, despite catharsis, it continues to be alive, sending out painful feelers every few moments/days in the most unexpected times. Like today.
I got irritated at myself for getting irritated with things in people that I knew would irritate me but I had thought I had steeled myself against in advance. (Yes, that sentence does make sense to me)
I just dissolved into tears everytime someone said or did something sweet. A had "happy birthday sudeep" on all his chat ids...LC spoke to me about how she has seen me grow and evolve...D handed me a jacket and apologised for the time 2 years when he had tried to find me a suede jacket in China (which I had been looking for)but couldn't...Unni called twice, trying to create touch where none had existed for months...Mum sent a card that had the simplest, nicest words on it...
I vaguely felt that I should look at my resolutions for the year and figure out where I stand...and then I realised that that may not be such a good picture, so may as well let it be...but the seed had been planted and I thought about it and thought a little more...
I wore a bright pink shirt with striped grey trousers and a crisp smile that got me compliments of a nature I am certainly not used to.
I answered a lot more calls today than I remember doing last year (The day started with a conversation with Ank, ended with Sej. What a contrast!). So I guess the resolution of having lesser people in my life has not really worked out. However, I did restrain on going out. Last year I had met 6 different people. Today I went for a quiet dinner with D. Naturally the view for the next week doesn't look good.
So anyway, why am I making a big deal of this? It was a blurred day, it was a blurred day. BFD.
But. I dont like blurs. Unfortunate experience tells me blurs are usually our way of cutting out pain or avoiding decisive reality. Since there is no reason why I should feeling too much pain, I can only imagine the latter objective. In that case, I am determined to pierce out the exact thoughts that are lurking in this fog and face whatever I have to face, even if it is the harshest of realities. Bloody hell, my mind is trying to play games with me...doesn't it know what I made of!!!!
Wednesday, August 16, 2006
Lines on the face and shadows in the eyes
What a pyschedelic contrast the days can be when compared to one another...the dull grey of Saturday turned into a bright blue by evening. Sunday was a mellow pink with gashes of cruel purple. The purple fused into a brown on Monday that turned muddier in the evening. But the mud started glistening and turned into a strikingly cheerful yellow the entire Tuesday and like fools, I forgot that yellow's partner for maximum impact is - black. Remembered that useful fact today in retrospect.
Why today? Because I lost my temper which was avoidable. Because I got into a cold rage which was unavoidable. Because I was disappointed with people which was a lesson I should have learnt by now. Because I didnt do a lot of important personal stuff that I know I will regret later. Because I am letting my thoughts move in a direction in which they shouldn't. Because I handled a situation in a way that could have been handled better. Because my yesterday's heart breaking conversation with Nan keeps coming back to me and I keep thinking that if the loved ones in my life add to me as a person, doesn't it logically mean that the loved ones I have lost - Daddy, Dpt, Ashu, Mama - have decimated my life as well?
Why today? Because I lost my temper which was avoidable. Because I got into a cold rage which was unavoidable. Because I was disappointed with people which was a lesson I should have learnt by now. Because I didnt do a lot of important personal stuff that I know I will regret later. Because I am letting my thoughts move in a direction in which they shouldn't. Because I handled a situation in a way that could have been handled better. Because my yesterday's heart breaking conversation with Nan keeps coming back to me and I keep thinking that if the loved ones in my life add to me as a person, doesn't it logically mean that the loved ones I have lost - Daddy, Dpt, Ashu, Mama - have decimated my life as well?
Sunday, August 13, 2006
One emotion at a time?
I just saw Kank and am writing this late at night. Not because I am profoundly affected by the movie - no, I can always trust Karan Johar to ensure that despite a potentially moving storyline and highly competent actors, there will be a sheen of plastic on everything - but because, despite its inability to touch the heart, it does provoke thought with some extremely potent situations, scenes and dialogues.
If I try to capture all the thoughts it provoked, I will probably get tired and stop mid way, considering that it's a three hours plus movie! More importantly, the thoughts are so linked with each other, that I will probably get lost if I try to untangle them. So I will keep aside several interesting lines of thought for now - the loneliness of friendless hearts; the comfort of money in tough times; the sheer siliness of people who get into something without thinking it through; the instinctive intelligence of elders - and focus on the most obvious aspect - the characters and motivations of the leads, SRK and Rani, who are unfaithful to their spouses.
No act has one single emotion behind it. Not even two, I would argue. Multiple is usually the case. But one or two of those emotions are usually the trigger or the driver of the act. Amongst the rabble of emotions that SRK and Rani feel (or rather, appear to feel), which of those really drive them?
In softer moments, I would say - romance and a bit of madness (for our poets have taught us that they go together). They are stuck in marriages that they dont want, their relationships are degenerating by the day...they meet, they connect, they fall in love, they go through pain. One accepts that what they did was wrong, but somehow inevitable as well. And who can resist the lure of true love. These thoughts are picked up well by the movie itself, that crafts a sufiana feel to their romance, amidst a New York that encourages it.
Thankfully, the movie has its harsher moments, as do I. Its not important to look at the "what" to understand something, but instead ask the "why". Why are they in marriages where there wasn't love to start with? Why are they getting bitter and angry with their spouses (who, by the way, actually love them)? Why don't they recognise the connection at the start itself and deal with it? Why do they pretend as if the other needs them instead of admitting that they need the other? Why dont they stop when they feel they are doing something wrong? Why are they always upset and dissatisfied - when they were married, when they were having an affair, when they got divorced? There are plenty of more "whys" but the answer's pretty clear - weakness. No, I would not count stupidity or selfishness or roving eyes as the prime emotion. It all boils down to the way you deal with situations in your life, and if you respond weakly, you just wreak havoc, in your and everyone else's lives.
These characters seemed to have done just that - responded weakly to conflict ior pain ridden situations that really required frankness and self awareness and communication and decision. When they got married, when they went through a disaster, when the spouse grew distant, when they started a secret relationship...basically, all through.
In this weakness, I believe, lies the root of all other evils that afflicts them helplessly. For they are helpless as they watch their inner weakness drive them to be untrue, to be cruel, to be self absorbed. And unless they are highly unintelligent, they will watch, sooner or later. This destruction of self must be as obvious to them as it is to any other rational person. And this self image is the price they pay for the lack of strength, the lack of courage.
And this is where I find my stand somewhere between the soft and the harsh. I dont feel for the emptiness in their lives that drove them outside commitment; neither do I look down upon them for the selfishness and cruelty they display. I just feel compassion and sadness for this price they pay - the blow to the most precious of commodities, self respect.
If I try to capture all the thoughts it provoked, I will probably get tired and stop mid way, considering that it's a three hours plus movie! More importantly, the thoughts are so linked with each other, that I will probably get lost if I try to untangle them. So I will keep aside several interesting lines of thought for now - the loneliness of friendless hearts; the comfort of money in tough times; the sheer siliness of people who get into something without thinking it through; the instinctive intelligence of elders - and focus on the most obvious aspect - the characters and motivations of the leads, SRK and Rani, who are unfaithful to their spouses.
No act has one single emotion behind it. Not even two, I would argue. Multiple is usually the case. But one or two of those emotions are usually the trigger or the driver of the act. Amongst the rabble of emotions that SRK and Rani feel (or rather, appear to feel), which of those really drive them?
In softer moments, I would say - romance and a bit of madness (for our poets have taught us that they go together). They are stuck in marriages that they dont want, their relationships are degenerating by the day...they meet, they connect, they fall in love, they go through pain. One accepts that what they did was wrong, but somehow inevitable as well. And who can resist the lure of true love. These thoughts are picked up well by the movie itself, that crafts a sufiana feel to their romance, amidst a New York that encourages it.
Thankfully, the movie has its harsher moments, as do I. Its not important to look at the "what" to understand something, but instead ask the "why". Why are they in marriages where there wasn't love to start with? Why are they getting bitter and angry with their spouses (who, by the way, actually love them)? Why don't they recognise the connection at the start itself and deal with it? Why do they pretend as if the other needs them instead of admitting that they need the other? Why dont they stop when they feel they are doing something wrong? Why are they always upset and dissatisfied - when they were married, when they were having an affair, when they got divorced? There are plenty of more "whys" but the answer's pretty clear - weakness. No, I would not count stupidity or selfishness or roving eyes as the prime emotion. It all boils down to the way you deal with situations in your life, and if you respond weakly, you just wreak havoc, in your and everyone else's lives.
These characters seemed to have done just that - responded weakly to conflict ior pain ridden situations that really required frankness and self awareness and communication and decision. When they got married, when they went through a disaster, when the spouse grew distant, when they started a secret relationship...basically, all through.
In this weakness, I believe, lies the root of all other evils that afflicts them helplessly. For they are helpless as they watch their inner weakness drive them to be untrue, to be cruel, to be self absorbed. And unless they are highly unintelligent, they will watch, sooner or later. This destruction of self must be as obvious to them as it is to any other rational person. And this self image is the price they pay for the lack of strength, the lack of courage.
And this is where I find my stand somewhere between the soft and the harsh. I dont feel for the emptiness in their lives that drove them outside commitment; neither do I look down upon them for the selfishness and cruelty they display. I just feel compassion and sadness for this price they pay - the blow to the most precious of commodities, self respect.
And yes, who can really avoid falling in love? To me, thats the biggest change this symbolises in me...from the black & white approach I used to have earlier, I am now in that grey zone. The heart wants what the heart wants. No force on earth can fight it.
Othello and related thoughts
Othello seems to be the flavor of the season and I certainly cannot escape it.
Saw Omkara two weeks ago - its one of those movies which I may not like so much, but one that will stay in my mind for a long, long time.
I dont like it so much because of its uneven pace and because of the inevitable comparisons with Maqbool that had a subtlety about it which I enjoyed more than the in-your-face rawness of Omkara.
However, I admire the movie - unlike arty cinema, the rawness is not put on and just sucks you in naturally. There is also a tremendous, nearly sexual, energy in the movie. It's the most thrilling climax I have seen in a long long time (the last time I sat riveted in my chair like this was in Matrix, I think) and the performances - both the extroverted and the quiet - are effective.
Last evening, I went for the play Othello. Expecting the standard tragedy, I was pleasantly surprised to realise that there was quite an unusual plot - during the making of the play Othello, the story of Othello gets enacted by the cast's own personalities and personal lives. The plot could have backfired had it not been supported by a cast of fabulous professionals (even to my untrained eyes) who brought out nuances that a movie just can not.
Related thoughts - (considering that all art is essentially about discovery)
> I am not sure where my liking for darker, more complex stories started or stems from. I just know that I like them. However, such stories are the easiest to go wrong with. Example, Dangerous Liaisons which is brilliant and its remake - Cruel Intentions - which is trash.
> I know one thing for sure - I continue to be turned on by talent and intelligence (they usually go together) rather than by looks and charm.
> Beauty is often found in the most unexpected of places. The harsh landscapes of UP, the pained lines on a man's face - both can be incredibly alluring
Saw Omkara two weeks ago - its one of those movies which I may not like so much, but one that will stay in my mind for a long, long time.
I dont like it so much because of its uneven pace and because of the inevitable comparisons with Maqbool that had a subtlety about it which I enjoyed more than the in-your-face rawness of Omkara.
However, I admire the movie - unlike arty cinema, the rawness is not put on and just sucks you in naturally. There is also a tremendous, nearly sexual, energy in the movie. It's the most thrilling climax I have seen in a long long time (the last time I sat riveted in my chair like this was in Matrix, I think) and the performances - both the extroverted and the quiet - are effective.
Last evening, I went for the play Othello. Expecting the standard tragedy, I was pleasantly surprised to realise that there was quite an unusual plot - during the making of the play Othello, the story of Othello gets enacted by the cast's own personalities and personal lives. The plot could have backfired had it not been supported by a cast of fabulous professionals (even to my untrained eyes) who brought out nuances that a movie just can not.
Related thoughts - (considering that all art is essentially about discovery)
> I am not sure where my liking for darker, more complex stories started or stems from. I just know that I like them. However, such stories are the easiest to go wrong with. Example, Dangerous Liaisons which is brilliant and its remake - Cruel Intentions - which is trash.
> I know one thing for sure - I continue to be turned on by talent and intelligence (they usually go together) rather than by looks and charm.
> Beauty is often found in the most unexpected of places. The harsh landscapes of UP, the pained lines on a man's face - both can be incredibly alluring
Saturday, August 05, 2006
Always a stranger to me...
Sex.
Money (linked to career)
Obligations.
The order of priority differs depending on gender, social conditioning, circumstance and individual aspirations. But these three are what occupies the mindspace of most people most of the time. And hence, relationships which fall into these three categories are the ones which get maximum attention as well. And the ones which dont, dont. Simple.
But not so simple for me. Because I ignore these three categories most of the time and focus my attention on people, on the connection to the core, rather than the external linkages. And thus prioritise accordingly as well.
Which is why, ladies and gentlemen, I am always, always, always, on a tangent with the rest of the world.
Once in a while, I have met people who are also aligned to this. Its happened seldom, but when it did, I felt....vindicated? happy? Nope. I felt nothing. Because its not as if this is a conscious effort on my path to be different. Its just me. And I dont feel particularly upset or proud or tormented or wonderful to be like this. Its just me.
So why do I still seek the someone who's aligned to me? Because I do have one thing in common with everyone else. The need for resonance. And the comfort it brings.
Money (linked to career)
Obligations.
The order of priority differs depending on gender, social conditioning, circumstance and individual aspirations. But these three are what occupies the mindspace of most people most of the time. And hence, relationships which fall into these three categories are the ones which get maximum attention as well. And the ones which dont, dont. Simple.
But not so simple for me. Because I ignore these three categories most of the time and focus my attention on people, on the connection to the core, rather than the external linkages. And thus prioritise accordingly as well.
Which is why, ladies and gentlemen, I am always, always, always, on a tangent with the rest of the world.
Once in a while, I have met people who are also aligned to this. Its happened seldom, but when it did, I felt....vindicated? happy? Nope. I felt nothing. Because its not as if this is a conscious effort on my path to be different. Its just me. And I dont feel particularly upset or proud or tormented or wonderful to be like this. Its just me.
So why do I still seek the someone who's aligned to me? Because I do have one thing in common with everyone else. The need for resonance. And the comfort it brings.
Thursday, August 03, 2006
where do i go?
The incident on Monday with Ven n Nav shook me up completely. I can argue with myself that I am over reacting to a relatively not-so-big ussue or that it wasnt unexpected knowing the history, but the point is not about the incident or about them.
The point is, quite simply, about me. My focus on relationships, my emphasis on trust, my reliance on people, my role in others' lives.
And they are not isolated incidents or feelings - the anger at the unexpected betrayal, the stress due to incompetent professionals at work, the pain at seeing Mum off and knowing she's not with me for another few months. They are all part of the same story within one week, giving rise to questions that force me out of my comfort (blind?) zone every few months or so. Most of these questions are repeated and I have recorded several of them in various notes/tapes/posts over the past decade.
Why does my locus of control continue to be heavily external, despite me being my own best friend? Have I really come a long way from where I was a few years ago or have I just convinced myself I have? How much is the gap between what I feel and what I think I feel and what I want others to think I feel and what I show I feel? For how many people am I a "compartment", a part of the convenient slotting that I find so abhorrent? What's more me - to retreat when in pain or to confront?
Mum believes that I dont share myself with anyone, but I just want to cry and ask - what do I share when I have nothing to give? why should I share when I know there's pain at the end of the road? how should I share when I cant even trust? who should i share with, knowing that hardly anyone really cares or understands?
I sit in the early morning chill and express these questions and thoughts that revolve in my head, knowing that there are no answers, at least not definitive ones. Knowing that I will soon be immersed in a maelstrom of activity at work and outside. Knowing that the sharpness of this internal typhoon will get dulled with the bombardment of action. Knowing that a few days later, I will be in the flow again, and will maybe come back to this post to figure out what exactly it was that was killing me a week ago.
Until next time.
The point is, quite simply, about me. My focus on relationships, my emphasis on trust, my reliance on people, my role in others' lives.
And they are not isolated incidents or feelings - the anger at the unexpected betrayal, the stress due to incompetent professionals at work, the pain at seeing Mum off and knowing she's not with me for another few months. They are all part of the same story within one week, giving rise to questions that force me out of my comfort (blind?) zone every few months or so. Most of these questions are repeated and I have recorded several of them in various notes/tapes/posts over the past decade.
Why does my locus of control continue to be heavily external, despite me being my own best friend? Have I really come a long way from where I was a few years ago or have I just convinced myself I have? How much is the gap between what I feel and what I think I feel and what I want others to think I feel and what I show I feel? For how many people am I a "compartment", a part of the convenient slotting that I find so abhorrent? What's more me - to retreat when in pain or to confront?
Mum believes that I dont share myself with anyone, but I just want to cry and ask - what do I share when I have nothing to give? why should I share when I know there's pain at the end of the road? how should I share when I cant even trust? who should i share with, knowing that hardly anyone really cares or understands?
I sit in the early morning chill and express these questions and thoughts that revolve in my head, knowing that there are no answers, at least not definitive ones. Knowing that I will soon be immersed in a maelstrom of activity at work and outside. Knowing that the sharpness of this internal typhoon will get dulled with the bombardment of action. Knowing that a few days later, I will be in the flow again, and will maybe come back to this post to figure out what exactly it was that was killing me a week ago.
Until next time.
Sunday, July 30, 2006
Romance movies
I saw the Lake House today...I had somehow been drawn to it after watching a trailer and for once, the movie turned out to be better than promised. It helped that I saw it with N.
At the surface, it had a lot of elements which I may not find agreeable...a slightly confusing plot line, Sandra Bullock and a tender background music score. Yet the characters were endearing and the connection between them astonishingly real and natural. It was a well made movie - flowed well, and had good performances - and became a lovely movie by the way it made you smile and gasp at the right places. Like all lovely movies, it was a little sad at times. Like all lovely movies, it made you look inward and feel and think about yourself and your actions and your motives. It also kind of made me believe (at least while the movie lasted) in love and its purity and its madness and its power, the kind I once thought possible.
Though I have seen plenty (many!) so called romantic movies through the years, there are very few that have genuinely touched me. Off the cuff, I remember the following -
The French Lieutenant's Woman - the madness of love, tinged with a sense of doom and enoblement at the same time....
Before Sunrise/Sunset - the chemistry, the connection, no context, no needs
When Harry Met Sally - the growth/change in relatioships...the synonym for love - comfort.
Love and Death on Long Island - the sweetness and pain and intimacy and longing of the ones who loves
Brokeback Mountain - the sudden-ness of it all, the denial, the quiet pain, the devotion
Roman Holiday - the lightness of first love, the exploration, the wonder.
I hope I can remember the others and make a good list.
At the surface, it had a lot of elements which I may not find agreeable...a slightly confusing plot line, Sandra Bullock and a tender background music score. Yet the characters were endearing and the connection between them astonishingly real and natural. It was a well made movie - flowed well, and had good performances - and became a lovely movie by the way it made you smile and gasp at the right places. Like all lovely movies, it was a little sad at times. Like all lovely movies, it made you look inward and feel and think about yourself and your actions and your motives. It also kind of made me believe (at least while the movie lasted) in love and its purity and its madness and its power, the kind I once thought possible.
Though I have seen plenty (many!) so called romantic movies through the years, there are very few that have genuinely touched me. Off the cuff, I remember the following -
The French Lieutenant's Woman - the madness of love, tinged with a sense of doom and enoblement at the same time....
Before Sunrise/Sunset - the chemistry, the connection, no context, no needs
When Harry Met Sally - the growth/change in relatioships...the synonym for love - comfort.
Love and Death on Long Island - the sweetness and pain and intimacy and longing of the ones who loves
Brokeback Mountain - the sudden-ness of it all, the denial, the quiet pain, the devotion
Roman Holiday - the lightness of first love, the exploration, the wonder.
I hope I can remember the others and make a good list.
Sunday, July 23, 2006
Collection
Its been quite some time since I posted, and there are several reasons for that; the main one probably being that when I have a lot to think about, I either vent it out furiously in a flow of language that mirrors the madness/excitement/maelstrom within, or go to the other extreme and just retreat until I collect the thoughts, bring some coherence and calmness into myself and then sort them out one by one.
The past few weeks have seen a lot of activity and interactions and decisions and steps on nearly all fronts - family visiting, conversations with close ones, deliberations with colleagues, role discussions, frenetic work pace. But contrary to standard belief, this hasn't meant that I have gone into switch off mode...instead, all the activity heightened my senses and enabled a flow of thought and emotion of a level I haven't experienced for quite some time.
So what have I been thinking of...?
Of changes to our personality, brought about by the gradual, consistent, insistent beating of waves against the surface, until we give in. And look at each other with surprise, regret, resigned acceptance tinged with a little shame.
Of role reversals. Of the child becoming the mother. Of the self consciousness of the child when doing so, against the natural instincts which the mother once had.
Of moving to another, higher level. Of taking a thought through, structured, well aimed leap. Of letting go of ropes that tie me down with the purpose of inhibiting me, and holding on to those that equip me to jump higher without letting go of the roots.
Of the unusual, inexplicable nature of true relationships and connections that defy classifications (in fact, I would say that classification is a defamation of sorts) to bring out the best in two people who are joined not by blood/worldly ties/proximity/common interests/romance/sex but by just their souls.
Of new "friends" and old anchors. Of thinking of one with sudden, inexplicable bitterness and thinking of the other with sudden, painful longing.
Of the self indulgent nature of emotional and intellectual dissections that after a point cease to be a decision making tool (as meant to be) and become a reason for delaying action.
Of the humbling companionship of better people, reminding us of what we want to be, should be, could be. Of how we often run away from such companionship because it makes us face a reality we would rather ignore.
Of the strange nature of my needs/wants. I know what I need, and I go all out to get it and acknowledge it when I dont. But I rarely know what I want, or rather ignore what I want. And thus my life runs in a tangent to the rest of the people around me, because everyone is so clued in to what they want, and never to what they need. Its dangerous sometimes. Mostly its convenient and makes me feel centered. The accompanying loneliness is a small price to pay.
Of living life in cliches that probably became cliches because they were so relevant. In my case, its my desire to live life as a journey and not a destination. Maybe its my way of justifying a lot of things, but this cliche allows me to be quite happy today. And that means a lot to me.
The past few weeks have seen a lot of activity and interactions and decisions and steps on nearly all fronts - family visiting, conversations with close ones, deliberations with colleagues, role discussions, frenetic work pace. But contrary to standard belief, this hasn't meant that I have gone into switch off mode...instead, all the activity heightened my senses and enabled a flow of thought and emotion of a level I haven't experienced for quite some time.
So what have I been thinking of...?
Of changes to our personality, brought about by the gradual, consistent, insistent beating of waves against the surface, until we give in. And look at each other with surprise, regret, resigned acceptance tinged with a little shame.
Of role reversals. Of the child becoming the mother. Of the self consciousness of the child when doing so, against the natural instincts which the mother once had.
Of moving to another, higher level. Of taking a thought through, structured, well aimed leap. Of letting go of ropes that tie me down with the purpose of inhibiting me, and holding on to those that equip me to jump higher without letting go of the roots.
Of the unusual, inexplicable nature of true relationships and connections that defy classifications (in fact, I would say that classification is a defamation of sorts) to bring out the best in two people who are joined not by blood/worldly ties/proximity/common interests/romance/sex but by just their souls.
Of new "friends" and old anchors. Of thinking of one with sudden, inexplicable bitterness and thinking of the other with sudden, painful longing.
Of the self indulgent nature of emotional and intellectual dissections that after a point cease to be a decision making tool (as meant to be) and become a reason for delaying action.
Of the humbling companionship of better people, reminding us of what we want to be, should be, could be. Of how we often run away from such companionship because it makes us face a reality we would rather ignore.
Of the strange nature of my needs/wants. I know what I need, and I go all out to get it and acknowledge it when I dont. But I rarely know what I want, or rather ignore what I want. And thus my life runs in a tangent to the rest of the people around me, because everyone is so clued in to what they want, and never to what they need. Its dangerous sometimes. Mostly its convenient and makes me feel centered. The accompanying loneliness is a small price to pay.
Of living life in cliches that probably became cliches because they were so relevant. In my case, its my desire to live life as a journey and not a destination. Maybe its my way of justifying a lot of things, but this cliche allows me to be quite happy today. And that means a lot to me.
Sunday, July 16, 2006
The mirror has many faces
D says Artemis Fowl reminds him of me. Since I take that as a compliment, I desist from probing further :)
Other real/fictitious characters I have been compared to...
Jughead
Basanti
Karan Johar (yuck!)
Aftab (in Mast)
Dominique (from The Fountainhead)
I have no clue what the pattern is!!!!
Other real/fictitious characters I have been compared to...
Jughead
Basanti
Karan Johar (yuck!)
Aftab (in Mast)
Dominique (from The Fountainhead)
I have no clue what the pattern is!!!!
Saturday, July 15, 2006
Aaye aur gaye
We chatted, laughted, fought a bit.
We went to MOST of my fav places - Zero G (twice!), Firangi Pani, Opus, 13th Floor, Koshy's, The Only Place, Mainland China, 100 ft, The Beach, Limelite etc etc.
We saw 3 movies - one good, one bad, one decent.
We shopped till our feet pleaded for mercy and wallets were parched.
We went for 2 trips - one planned to the point of paranoia. one impromptu to the point of madness.
We had a cards party, one of the best evenings we have had for a long long time.
They came like a whirlwind (55 kilos) and left drunk n loaded (75 kilos)
P.s. thanks to D, L, Nkj, H, Sau, Sm
We went to MOST of my fav places - Zero G (twice!), Firangi Pani, Opus, 13th Floor, Koshy's, The Only Place, Mainland China, 100 ft, The Beach, Limelite etc etc.
We saw 3 movies - one good, one bad, one decent.
We shopped till our feet pleaded for mercy and wallets were parched.
We went for 2 trips - one planned to the point of paranoia. one impromptu to the point of madness.
We had a cards party, one of the best evenings we have had for a long long time.
They came like a whirlwind (55 kilos) and left drunk n loaded (75 kilos)
P.s. thanks to D, L, Nkj, H, Sau, Sm
Sunday, June 25, 2006
Retreat to the Familiar
Am reading Gone with the Wind for the nth time. Its like getting back in touch with yourself...looking back at the linkages it had with your emotional evolution at that time...feeling the same rush of excitement you did when your first read it and hence realising that you are quite the same person!! I have been devouring it like a hungry animal, yet relishing each work, sometimes even re reading paras and lines that connect with me.
Also spending time with mum. Met L. Lovely weather for the past two days.
So...am out of it. Finally. This time the roller coaster was sharper, though shorter.
But I continue to be irritated. With the two selves within me that reside in conflict, sometimes with open war, sometimes with uneasy peace.
Also spending time with mum. Met L. Lovely weather for the past two days.
So...am out of it. Finally. This time the roller coaster was sharper, though shorter.
But I continue to be irritated. With the two selves within me that reside in conflict, sometimes with open war, sometimes with uneasy peace.
Saturday, June 17, 2006
I stand for....
Touched upon a nice game yesterday with J (a new speck) on people "symbolising" certain adjectives (the nice ones).
Recollected that today with 2 fabulous, underrated songs -
"Kuch kasmein hain jawan" from Aankhen. Smooth, well picturised song with Sushmita Sen and Arjun Rampal - they symbolise "God"
"Kaal dhamaal" from Kaal. Colorful, frenetic, pulsating....SRK and Malaika Arora. They are "HOT".
Some others...
"Beautiful" - Hema Malini, Shobana, Michelle Pfeiffer
"Superstar" - Sridevi, Liz Taylor, AB
"Talented" - Naseerudin Shah, Shabana Azmi, Meryl Streep
Recollected that today with 2 fabulous, underrated songs -
"Kuch kasmein hain jawan" from Aankhen. Smooth, well picturised song with Sushmita Sen and Arjun Rampal - they symbolise "God"
"Kaal dhamaal" from Kaal. Colorful, frenetic, pulsating....SRK and Malaika Arora. They are "HOT".
Some others...
"Beautiful" - Hema Malini, Shobana, Michelle Pfeiffer
"Superstar" - Sridevi, Liz Taylor, AB
"Talented" - Naseerudin Shah, Shabana Azmi, Meryl Streep
Friday, June 16, 2006
When big things pull me down, its the little things that help me get back
Had a long chat with Nan on domestic trifles and weather differences
Unexpectedly chanced upon old favorites on radio - Jawaani Jaaneman, Ankhiyan Milaoon, Akele Hum Akele Tum
Got a delightful forward with a half remembered tune from the DD days
Started reading Gone with the Wind for the umpteenth time
Ran out in the rain, got wet, dirty, laughed.
Smiled at the sweet thing a relative stranger said to me.
Unexpectedly chanced upon old favorites on radio - Jawaani Jaaneman, Ankhiyan Milaoon, Akele Hum Akele Tum
Got a delightful forward with a half remembered tune from the DD days
Started reading Gone with the Wind for the umpteenth time
Ran out in the rain, got wet, dirty, laughed.
Smiled at the sweet thing a relative stranger said to me.
Sunday, June 11, 2006
People connect. And people slotting.
3 conversations of depth. With a boss (M, 39), new friend (F, 30), and a relatively older friend (M, 31). They ranged across the widest of personal topics imaginable - career decisions, drivers of life's principles, relationship foundations, self flagellation, self love, romance and its relevance, peace, success factors and so on. They forced me to turn myself inside out and examine crevisses of facts that look entirely different under a different light. And they turn my thoughts beyond just the content, in another direction as well....
What significance do these conversations have in my life? Its not just about the conversations, is it....its about the people connect that over time has become more and more integral to my life. As I increasingly feel cocooned, I let myself (in fact, seek to) be pushed by people out of comfort zones. People across ages, backgrounds, orientation, lifestyles, and maybe even character (though I would not like to believe that). These conversations are just mediums of connecting to life experiences....the comfort of connect, thrill of exploration, the joy of commonalities, the wonderment at the spectrums, the sly inward glances; followed always by serious thought, many questions, some conclusions, and sometimes even emotion.
This is all fine and logical, but takes me to a more disturbing place of thought - for all my stated aversion to objectifying people or getting objectifyed by people, am I tolerating subtler (and hence more dangerous) versions of the same, from others and within myself? As I look around, we seem to have started reducing even people to tick marks in a checklist. The way I react to someone who goes through the "degree/car/job/wife/washing machine/onsite assignment" list, I should probably react the same way to someone who goes through the "drinking buddy/trophy case-wife/piggy bank-husband/soul confidante-best friend/bitching colleague/bed mate - girl-boy friend" list as well! I accept that we have our needs and different elements of our life fulfil those needs, and that would include people as well. But there's a line, not a fine one but an entire fence, between letting people fill voids in our life and actually slotting them conveniently. Even the thought angers me - what sobers me is the thought that even I may end up doing this if I don't look out. And what about the ones in my life who I see doing or going towards the same, usually with others and, horror of horrors, even with me?! I think I will use my new found mantra "respond, not react" and go ahead and drive my messages over time. If the messages are taken and actioned, its a vindication that my choices in life are thinking, genuine individuals (ha ha ha ha ha!!!!). If they are not, parting may not be such sweet sorrow.
What significance do these conversations have in my life? Its not just about the conversations, is it....its about the people connect that over time has become more and more integral to my life. As I increasingly feel cocooned, I let myself (in fact, seek to) be pushed by people out of comfort zones. People across ages, backgrounds, orientation, lifestyles, and maybe even character (though I would not like to believe that). These conversations are just mediums of connecting to life experiences....the comfort of connect, thrill of exploration, the joy of commonalities, the wonderment at the spectrums, the sly inward glances; followed always by serious thought, many questions, some conclusions, and sometimes even emotion.
This is all fine and logical, but takes me to a more disturbing place of thought - for all my stated aversion to objectifying people or getting objectifyed by people, am I tolerating subtler (and hence more dangerous) versions of the same, from others and within myself? As I look around, we seem to have started reducing even people to tick marks in a checklist. The way I react to someone who goes through the "degree/car/job/wife/washing machine/onsite assignment" list, I should probably react the same way to someone who goes through the "drinking buddy/trophy case-wife/piggy bank-husband/soul confidante-best friend/bitching colleague/bed mate - girl-boy friend" list as well! I accept that we have our needs and different elements of our life fulfil those needs, and that would include people as well. But there's a line, not a fine one but an entire fence, between letting people fill voids in our life and actually slotting them conveniently. Even the thought angers me - what sobers me is the thought that even I may end up doing this if I don't look out. And what about the ones in my life who I see doing or going towards the same, usually with others and, horror of horrors, even with me?! I think I will use my new found mantra "respond, not react" and go ahead and drive my messages over time. If the messages are taken and actioned, its a vindication that my choices in life are thinking, genuine individuals (ha ha ha ha ha!!!!). If they are not, parting may not be such sweet sorrow.
Dangerous
Its time to move various elements in the direction in which I want them to go in the long term. But comfort zones do exist, and the heart is fickle, and life is unexpected. Just three hours ago, I had asked K to understand his drivers. Do I know mine? I do, but sometimes refuse to acknowledge them, for some of those drivers are things that I want, not need. And that's dangerous, because it spells destruction, for the self and others, something that I observed in so many others as they moved down this path to death without realising it. I need to move out of this danger, hence this poem, filched from the other space I inhabit. It haunts me on this seemingly lazy Sunday evening, causing me to clench my fist in some parts, causing me to cry in some other. I am not ruthless, I am just a survivor.
Out of Danger
Heart be kind and sign the release
As the trees their loss approve.
Learn as leaves must learn to fall
Out of danger, out of love.
What belongs to frost and thaw
Sullen winter will not harm.
What belongs to wind and rain
Is out of danger from the storm.
Jealous passion, cruel need
Betray the heart they feed upon.
But what belongs to earth and death
Is out of danger from the sun.
I was cruel, I was wrong -
Hard to say and hard to know.
You do not belong to me.
You are out of danger now -
Out of danger from the wind,
Out of danger from the wave,
Out of danger from the heart
Falling, falling out of love.
- James Fenton
Out of Danger
Heart be kind and sign the release
As the trees their loss approve.
Learn as leaves must learn to fall
Out of danger, out of love.
What belongs to frost and thaw
Sullen winter will not harm.
What belongs to wind and rain
Is out of danger from the storm.
Jealous passion, cruel need
Betray the heart they feed upon.
But what belongs to earth and death
Is out of danger from the sun.
I was cruel, I was wrong -
Hard to say and hard to know.
You do not belong to me.
You are out of danger now -
Out of danger from the wind,
Out of danger from the wave,
Out of danger from the heart
Falling, falling out of love.
- James Fenton
Sunday, June 04, 2006
rap on my knuckles
I sit with silence surrounding me, a cool breeze ruffling my hair. Its 12 and its the end of another weekend. No, its not been fourth time lucky, though it was close. Could have been, though. If only I had remembered that lesson I have taught myself so many times before - never end on a low. Start with a low maybe...and then build up. But never, never, end on a low.
Anyway, Artemis Fowl awaits. Soooooo much fun. Thank god for the reliable things in life.
Good night.
Anyway, Artemis Fowl awaits. Soooooo much fun. Thank god for the reliable things in life.
Good night.
Saturday, June 03, 2006
The dance of perfection
Each day is another interlude as I set out, feet tapping to whatever genre of music life has decided to play for these moments, in search of perfection.
Today's instrumentals were a little warm, breezy, a little sunny, with fluffy clouds. My first step was hesitant, but I was in good hands with K. Short, pleasant yet provoking, it was ideal for the next, longer moves. Settled into wicker chairs in front of a vista of greenery, the beats moved faster. Challenges dealt with by thought through steps; unexpected discoveries that brought sudden smiles to the face; eyes furrowed, then relaxed, then furrowed again. I dont remember what all we spoke about (life, decisions, choices, careers, organizations, culture, awakenings....) but I know I learnt a lot...about R and about myself. I needed a break. Stepping onto the sidelines, I browsed through the books on display at the Strand book sale (an old favorite haunt), allowing myself to absorb the beauty of others. But one can only remain still for so long....and appropriately, it was L who brought me back to the floor in his own quiet, comforting way. Long drive, long walk, long conversation. About me, myself. About him. Current preoccupations, past baggage, future plans. A symphony so subtle that all moves felt effortless and untiring, each step yielding more energy than it used. Before I could sink to dangerous comfort levels, it was time to switch gears. A fast drive, racy music, loud, catchy, rocking. And then back home. A last conversation, that half - expected stumble after the heady moves. Ironically, with M. Again - short, provoking, disturbing.. there's so much one can do, but there's also so much one can't.
The music's toned down a bit but continues to play in the background. Tom and Jerry provides easy amusement as I look back at my four partners for the day - with fondness, and some irritation; with a lot of love, and a little anger; with a sense of comfort, and a bit of helplessness. With a lot of gratitude - for getting me this close to perfection.
Today's instrumentals were a little warm, breezy, a little sunny, with fluffy clouds. My first step was hesitant, but I was in good hands with K. Short, pleasant yet provoking, it was ideal for the next, longer moves. Settled into wicker chairs in front of a vista of greenery, the beats moved faster. Challenges dealt with by thought through steps; unexpected discoveries that brought sudden smiles to the face; eyes furrowed, then relaxed, then furrowed again. I dont remember what all we spoke about (life, decisions, choices, careers, organizations, culture, awakenings....) but I know I learnt a lot...about R and about myself. I needed a break. Stepping onto the sidelines, I browsed through the books on display at the Strand book sale (an old favorite haunt), allowing myself to absorb the beauty of others. But one can only remain still for so long....and appropriately, it was L who brought me back to the floor in his own quiet, comforting way. Long drive, long walk, long conversation. About me, myself. About him. Current preoccupations, past baggage, future plans. A symphony so subtle that all moves felt effortless and untiring, each step yielding more energy than it used. Before I could sink to dangerous comfort levels, it was time to switch gears. A fast drive, racy music, loud, catchy, rocking. And then back home. A last conversation, that half - expected stumble after the heady moves. Ironically, with M. Again - short, provoking, disturbing.. there's so much one can do, but there's also so much one can't.
The music's toned down a bit but continues to play in the background. Tom and Jerry provides easy amusement as I look back at my four partners for the day - with fondness, and some irritation; with a lot of love, and a little anger; with a sense of comfort, and a bit of helplessness. With a lot of gratitude - for getting me this close to perfection.
Thursday, June 01, 2006
survival tactics
I got appreciated today, but I didn't feel the sense of quiet contentment (or "maybe I am not that bad") that I normally do. Just felt nothing.
So I guess I am not really on the "up" swing that I thought I was. I am probably keeping my head in the ground and being absolutely occupied to prevent too much thought or emotion seeping through the surface. Its a bit like keeping a child distracted while he's being injected. By the time he loses interest in the distraction, the pain of the injection would be dimmed and he can look at the wound again.
So I guess I am not really on the "up" swing that I thought I was. I am probably keeping my head in the ground and being absolutely occupied to prevent too much thought or emotion seeping through the surface. Its a bit like keeping a child distracted while he's being injected. By the time he loses interest in the distraction, the pain of the injection would be dimmed and he can look at the wound again.
Wednesday, May 31, 2006
absolutely unrelated collection of thoughts
1. "down, down, down, down....." - I went down, down, down, down....and when I hit rock bottom in the past 2-3 weeks, I am (hopefully) back on my way up, getting back on track.
2. Never, ever thought I would actually quote Sex n the City anywhere (so much pop philosophy irritates me, unless I am the source!), but last night's episodes has 2 lines that actually hit home - "why do we let the one thing we don't have affect our perceptions of everything else we do have?" and "why do we always jump to believe the worst we hear about ourselves but never the good things?"
3. Read Tuesdays with Morrie - another first. It was more of a reaffirmation of myself - I am a survivor; and I create my own culture, precedence be damned.
4. C3G - Chemistry, Comfort, Companionship and a sense of Growth. Isn't this a fabulous beginning?? Then why does the fairy tale have to crash????
2. Never, ever thought I would actually quote Sex n the City anywhere (so much pop philosophy irritates me, unless I am the source!), but last night's episodes has 2 lines that actually hit home - "why do we let the one thing we don't have affect our perceptions of everything else we do have?" and "why do we always jump to believe the worst we hear about ourselves but never the good things?"
3. Read Tuesdays with Morrie - another first. It was more of a reaffirmation of myself - I am a survivor; and I create my own culture, precedence be damned.
4. C3G - Chemistry, Comfort, Companionship and a sense of Growth. Isn't this a fabulous beginning?? Then why does the fairy tale have to crash????
Sunday, May 28, 2006
Weather? or weather vane for my soul?
While I keep talking about the "glorious" weather and hows its not allowing me to work, this is actually not true at all.
Truly glorious weather means breezy days, partly cloudy/partly sunny, the brightness of gulmohar, the hint of smiles. Those days I feel cheerful and exuberant and most importantly, peaceful. That peace gives me the power (for want of a better word) to do anything I want - blissful vegetation or hectic socialising or even work!
Today's weather speaks glory in an entirely different way. Its the glory of grey skies that spread with deceptive calmness, hiding behind them the turmoil that gave birth to them. Its the glory of past sins and impending doom; the fury and the madness that precedes tears. This glory cajoles my soul into dancing on hot coals; it induces thought, and emotion...all somehow, inextricably, linked to pain. I cant work.
Truly glorious weather means breezy days, partly cloudy/partly sunny, the brightness of gulmohar, the hint of smiles. Those days I feel cheerful and exuberant and most importantly, peaceful. That peace gives me the power (for want of a better word) to do anything I want - blissful vegetation or hectic socialising or even work!
Today's weather speaks glory in an entirely different way. Its the glory of grey skies that spread with deceptive calmness, hiding behind them the turmoil that gave birth to them. Its the glory of past sins and impending doom; the fury and the madness that precedes tears. This glory cajoles my soul into dancing on hot coals; it induces thought, and emotion...all somehow, inextricably, linked to pain. I cant work.
Three times lucky
This is the third "nice" weekend I have had and considering the roller coaster nature of daily life, I consider that quite lucky.
The first was slow, introspective, pleasurable, painful - a bit of solitude, a bit of partying, a lot of companionship.
The second was therapeutic - silent connect with strong foundations, books, movies.
And this one was...I cant find an appropriate word and will settle for "wide ranging"!
> A wide range of movies - from Fanaa (disappointing, Kajol great, some nice moments) to Da Vinci Code (boring; the book MUST be more interesting!) to X Men 3 (high voltage drama n action - great fun!) to Vaastu Shastra (2nd viewing, only the good scenes) to The Ring (watched at 1 am, surrounded by absolute silence, loved it!!)
> A wide range of people connect - from faffing with older n newer baggage (H, K); to short encounter with the online kiddo (A); to long chat with an occasional friend (Son).
> A wide range of meals (!) - from a steak n martini quickie in a packed, pulsating restaurant; to a typical pub lunch of fish n beer at my fav fp; to a long, leisurely multiple course dinner on a candle lit courtyard with the sound of trees as background music!
Missed -
People....U, D, L. Couldn't respond - Shk, Shw, Aish. Couldn't connect - sigh.
Books....old ones left pending; growing list.
House work...glass, bed, curtains.
Hence agenda for this week and the coming weekend is decided!
The first was slow, introspective, pleasurable, painful - a bit of solitude, a bit of partying, a lot of companionship.
The second was therapeutic - silent connect with strong foundations, books, movies.
And this one was...I cant find an appropriate word and will settle for "wide ranging"!
> A wide range of movies - from Fanaa (disappointing, Kajol great, some nice moments) to Da Vinci Code (boring; the book MUST be more interesting!) to X Men 3 (high voltage drama n action - great fun!) to Vaastu Shastra (2nd viewing, only the good scenes) to The Ring (watched at 1 am, surrounded by absolute silence, loved it!!)
> A wide range of people connect - from faffing with older n newer baggage (H, K); to short encounter with the online kiddo (A); to long chat with an occasional friend (Son).
> A wide range of meals (!) - from a steak n martini quickie in a packed, pulsating restaurant; to a typical pub lunch of fish n beer at my fav fp; to a long, leisurely multiple course dinner on a candle lit courtyard with the sound of trees as background music!
Missed -
People....U, D, L. Couldn't respond - Shk, Shw, Aish. Couldn't connect - sigh.
Books....old ones left pending; growing list.
House work...glass, bed, curtains.
Hence agenda for this week and the coming weekend is decided!
Thursday, May 25, 2006
alive or just mad????
Thursday, 25 May.
I got depressed because of the blow to the pride caused by the lower ges scores. I laughed like a maniac at the crazy conversations with friends at work. I was irritated by being forced to act as PA to my team. I was intrigued by a short and unexpectedly positive conversation with someone i chatted with for the first time. I was upset by the changes in mood of a close friend. I watched helpless as a loved one struggled through his demons. I got involved in a project that actually set my grey cells working. And I got hugely embarassed (and panicky) at a stupid, stupid thing that I did.
So was I alive? Or was I mad??
I miss so many people today. I want to just chat and ramble.
I got depressed because of the blow to the pride caused by the lower ges scores. I laughed like a maniac at the crazy conversations with friends at work. I was irritated by being forced to act as PA to my team. I was intrigued by a short and unexpectedly positive conversation with someone i chatted with for the first time. I was upset by the changes in mood of a close friend. I watched helpless as a loved one struggled through his demons. I got involved in a project that actually set my grey cells working. And I got hugely embarassed (and panicky) at a stupid, stupid thing that I did.
So was I alive? Or was I mad??
I miss so many people today. I want to just chat and ramble.
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