The vagueness of last week has morphed into a very clear theme for this week - sadness and irritation....
> The characters in Raincoat, who scare you because you recognise them
> The natural disaster that caught everyone by surprise. How does one deal with the loss of 25000 people at one go? Is there a reason??? None.
> Grown men who have stopped growing...decimation of character, of skills. Reduced to blubbering idiots through romance/family demands/inner conflicts/general craziness etc. etc.
In the middle of this chaotic, muddy world, I create a small space where I hope inspite of everything....basically, i blabber on all and sundry and hope that somewhere i contribute something. To myself, at least.
Monday, December 27, 2004
Monday, December 20, 2004
Floating
I cannot identify any defining characteristic for last week.....in fact, if I have to remember the week and myself in it, the primary sensation is one of floating
Not really sure what I am feeling....what state of mind I am in.....what am I aiming it, what I am avoiding....who plays what role in my life....what's the future of the traditionally central players (Darshan....L...)....who from the periphery will move in (Vicky...Hina..Harneet...)...
The weekend was good.....a great movie (Swades), 2 great DVDs, a pacy book read at one go (Never Tear Us Apart), long chats with Shweta and Unni, a full 8-hours sleep, the house cleaned up, a Sunday morning at Coffee Day with newspapers and tea. Aah!
Upcoming - the Christmas weekend (hopefully I will get to try out some of the new eating joints) and the scheduled New Year weekend's trip. I can see plenty of opportunities that will force me out of the current state of ambiguity, into hopefully not-too-extreme states of mind.
Life rocks.
Not really sure what I am feeling....what state of mind I am in.....what am I aiming it, what I am avoiding....who plays what role in my life....what's the future of the traditionally central players (Darshan....L...)....who from the periphery will move in (Vicky...Hina..Harneet...)...
The weekend was good.....a great movie (Swades), 2 great DVDs, a pacy book read at one go (Never Tear Us Apart), long chats with Shweta and Unni, a full 8-hours sleep, the house cleaned up, a Sunday morning at Coffee Day with newspapers and tea. Aah!
Upcoming - the Christmas weekend (hopefully I will get to try out some of the new eating joints) and the scheduled New Year weekend's trip. I can see plenty of opportunities that will force me out of the current state of ambiguity, into hopefully not-too-extreme states of mind.
Life rocks.
Saturday, November 20, 2004
Reactions & Relationships
I had sent the following poem to a few people who I thought would appreciate it -
some kind of power
the world is just moving towards a destination
i am staying behind sitting on my side
the tv is on, and some song is playing
the worst bit is, i want the tv off.
my world is sometimes reduced to a room
and mountains and the tigers dont exist
talking to someone new is such a crazily good thing
but it happens lesser and lesser now.
the world is starting to bore me
not because i am fast but cause it just too slow
something new has to happen soon
or i will be old
Got some reactions from them and then I of course had to comment on their reactions too!
Have got interesting responses from all - interesting not because of the variety of reaction that poetry normally evokes but due to the consistent response - that this poem struck a resonant chord with everyone. Everyone could identify with it.
If everyone can identify with the sense of all-consuming boredom/cynical humor bordering on bitterness that is expressed here (not permanently I am sure, but occasionally at least), its cause for apprehension - why should friends who would otherwise be considered intelligent, sensitive & articulate express this as a "reaction" to a poem sent on mail instead of normal modes of expression, i.e. conversation?
Conversely, conversations with friends (am I using the right word now?) become suspect. How different are they from conversations with so-called acquaintances or even strangers? Though I speak from personal experience only, but my answer to this is "hardly any difference".
Hence, is the corollary to this that relationships and the extent of their depth don't matter any more? Or is it that we don't have faith in them any more? Or maybe the latter is the cause, and the former the effect.
To go further, is this (decreasing faith in and relevance of relationships) a conscious movement on our part? Or is it an unwitting vicious cycle we have got drawn into - did the quickened pace of life necessitate junk food communication to the extent that relationships ceased to act as reliable support systems.....in turn, the fabric of conversation becoming tissue-like under the weight of the banality of the relationship itself?
Thoughts and so many questions. On this and so many other things that affect us. Do you also have them? If yes, where are they?
some kind of power
the world is just moving towards a destination
i am staying behind sitting on my side
the tv is on, and some song is playing
the worst bit is, i want the tv off.
my world is sometimes reduced to a room
and mountains and the tigers dont exist
talking to someone new is such a crazily good thing
but it happens lesser and lesser now.
the world is starting to bore me
not because i am fast but cause it just too slow
something new has to happen soon
or i will be old
Got some reactions from them and then I of course had to comment on their reactions too!
Have got interesting responses from all - interesting not because of the variety of reaction that poetry normally evokes but due to the consistent response - that this poem struck a resonant chord with everyone. Everyone could identify with it.
If everyone can identify with the sense of all-consuming boredom/cynical humor bordering on bitterness that is expressed here (not permanently I am sure, but occasionally at least), its cause for apprehension - why should friends who would otherwise be considered intelligent, sensitive & articulate express this as a "reaction" to a poem sent on mail instead of normal modes of expression, i.e. conversation?
Conversely, conversations with friends (am I using the right word now?) become suspect. How different are they from conversations with so-called acquaintances or even strangers? Though I speak from personal experience only, but my answer to this is "hardly any difference".
Hence, is the corollary to this that relationships and the extent of their depth don't matter any more? Or is it that we don't have faith in them any more? Or maybe the latter is the cause, and the former the effect.
To go further, is this (decreasing faith in and relevance of relationships) a conscious movement on our part? Or is it an unwitting vicious cycle we have got drawn into - did the quickened pace of life necessitate junk food communication to the extent that relationships ceased to act as reliable support systems.....in turn, the fabric of conversation becoming tissue-like under the weight of the banality of the relationship itself?
Thoughts and so many questions. On this and so many other things that affect us. Do you also have them? If yes, where are they?
Low
Not sure why, have been extremely low for the past week or two......I am sure the sense of dullness and boredom is evident even at work. Part of it is due to standard people oriented reasons - Darshan, L, Vicky etc....a sense of futility and low self worth that somehow seems to get accentuated once in a while. Like this.
Even last night, after the Core party, tried a lot on my own to get myself energised....the music was good...could have danced...then sat at coffee day with a nice stephen king...spoke to mummy for a long time abt movies.....went for a long drive, with good music.....worked to some point and then it was back in the quicksand.
Have just spent the last few hours at the Flyer family day, getting more irritated with people, and even more than them, with myself. For being so unnecessarily complex and having such high standards, for thinking so much and feeling so much, or going to the other extreme and stopping the thought/emotion process altogether.
I got my horoscope for this week a few days ago (something which I usually dont check out) and it said that I will be prone to heavy mood swings this week due to movement in planetary energies. It certainly feels like that, because there is no specific cause for depression. It's just a sense of being low and being more sensitive than normal to the hits from life.
Even last night, after the Core party, tried a lot on my own to get myself energised....the music was good...could have danced...then sat at coffee day with a nice stephen king...spoke to mummy for a long time abt movies.....went for a long drive, with good music.....worked to some point and then it was back in the quicksand.
Have just spent the last few hours at the Flyer family day, getting more irritated with people, and even more than them, with myself. For being so unnecessarily complex and having such high standards, for thinking so much and feeling so much, or going to the other extreme and stopping the thought/emotion process altogether.
I got my horoscope for this week a few days ago (something which I usually dont check out) and it said that I will be prone to heavy mood swings this week due to movement in planetary energies. It certainly feels like that, because there is no specific cause for depression. It's just a sense of being low and being more sensitive than normal to the hits from life.
Monday, October 11, 2004
update
Had lots to say, but no time to actually write it out.....or maybe things were just so complex that putting it in linear written form would have taken too much effort....hence, dug out the dictaphone and used it after ages. Felt good to put into words all I had been feeling. Will try to return to blog properly, though.
Unni's traced this blog through Aish. Not sure how I feel about it. On one hand, have tried to keep this page only for myself. On the other, ideally there's nothing on my mind that I would actually keep from him (note: I used the word ideally.....whats been happening in reality is another matter!)....this may very well be the forum for resurgence of communication. And that's good. Coz I miss him terribly.
I really wish I could write well....Darshan's persona as he approaches his marriage (6 months away) can be a hilarious (albeit tinged with cynicism) study. However, here the heart rules the mind and I just feel bad at the multitude, often contradictory, thoughts & emotions that envelop him. As usual, the feeling of helplessness is frustrating. All I can do is be there. At least, unlike some others he doesnt push me away to drown alone in sorrow!
One of the common reactions I am experiencing towards people nowdays is anger. Anger at duplicity, at relentless self promotion, at hollowness of promises, at inability to stand up for themselves, at general wimpishness, at the use n throw attitude.........everything, all the time!!!! Honestly speaking, its not as if people have suddenly started displaying these attributes, hence its something within me that's driving this reaction. Not sure what, though. It's not very healthy, either. Either one should do something with the anger and make a genuine difference somewhere, else its just destructive to the self and the relationships.
Strangely, haven't been reading a lot lately either!! This is despite there being a host of interesting books lying at home which I haven't read! Including intricate murder mysteries!! Should pick up a Stephen King....thats always a good kick start into relentless reading.
Am really really worried about Mummy. Dolly too, actually. Its unfair that I make less of her tendency to depression because she's younger, healthier and has a hubby who takes care of her. That doesnt make internal turmoil any lesser.....(this is exactly the kind of trap most people fall into). Hence, am really worried about both Mummy & Dolly. I hope they get occupied soon. Thats the critical first step.
Unni's traced this blog through Aish. Not sure how I feel about it. On one hand, have tried to keep this page only for myself. On the other, ideally there's nothing on my mind that I would actually keep from him (note: I used the word ideally.....whats been happening in reality is another matter!)....this may very well be the forum for resurgence of communication. And that's good. Coz I miss him terribly.
I really wish I could write well....Darshan's persona as he approaches his marriage (6 months away) can be a hilarious (albeit tinged with cynicism) study. However, here the heart rules the mind and I just feel bad at the multitude, often contradictory, thoughts & emotions that envelop him. As usual, the feeling of helplessness is frustrating. All I can do is be there. At least, unlike some others he doesnt push me away to drown alone in sorrow!
One of the common reactions I am experiencing towards people nowdays is anger. Anger at duplicity, at relentless self promotion, at hollowness of promises, at inability to stand up for themselves, at general wimpishness, at the use n throw attitude.........everything, all the time!!!! Honestly speaking, its not as if people have suddenly started displaying these attributes, hence its something within me that's driving this reaction. Not sure what, though. It's not very healthy, either. Either one should do something with the anger and make a genuine difference somewhere, else its just destructive to the self and the relationships.
Strangely, haven't been reading a lot lately either!! This is despite there being a host of interesting books lying at home which I haven't read! Including intricate murder mysteries!! Should pick up a Stephen King....thats always a good kick start into relentless reading.
Am really really worried about Mummy. Dolly too, actually. Its unfair that I make less of her tendency to depression because she's younger, healthier and has a hubby who takes care of her. That doesnt make internal turmoil any lesser.....(this is exactly the kind of trap most people fall into). Hence, am really worried about both Mummy & Dolly. I hope they get occupied soon. Thats the critical first step.
Thursday, September 16, 2004
Saturday, September 04, 2004
Interesting play of words
Just finished a very interesting book - Peter Straub's The Hellfire Club...contrary to the pop-bestseller kind of look it had, it turned out to be a complicated, engaging mystery.
A couple of the recordable sentences fr the book....
"Dreams never give up. Like tigers, they simply lay in wait until fresh meat came along"
"If she had any feelings, they were like the little black, shriveled husks left behind by a fire. She supposed that someday they would turn into feelings"
A couple of the recordable sentences fr the book....
"Dreams never give up. Like tigers, they simply lay in wait until fresh meat came along"
"If she had any feelings, they were like the little black, shriveled husks left behind by a fire. She supposed that someday they would turn into feelings"
Shining Light
Without any envy/resentment/irritation/condescension/reservation/intimidation, I feel nothing but genuine whole hearted appreciation for Nanima and Mummy.
Without spouting adjectives about their abilities or listing facts that demonstrate them , I confidently feel they are the two finest ladies I have known.
My detached appreciation mingles with unconditional love as I think about the massive challenges that they have constantly faced throughout their lives, and the courage and dignity with which they have overcome them; the gentleness of their demeanour and the warmth of their relations even when they have had multiple cause to find bitterness or wariness; the ability to laugh, at the world and themselves, however low they might be; the choice they make to find pleasures in the smallest of things and thus retain the pure child in thir souls.
Of course, both are individuals and I could write much much more in detail about what their specfic strengths (and even weaknesses) are. But right now, I am just seized by the sense of gratitude and love borne out of having them being the fountainhead of my life.
Without spouting adjectives about their abilities or listing facts that demonstrate them , I confidently feel they are the two finest ladies I have known.
My detached appreciation mingles with unconditional love as I think about the massive challenges that they have constantly faced throughout their lives, and the courage and dignity with which they have overcome them; the gentleness of their demeanour and the warmth of their relations even when they have had multiple cause to find bitterness or wariness; the ability to laugh, at the world and themselves, however low they might be; the choice they make to find pleasures in the smallest of things and thus retain the pure child in thir souls.
Of course, both are individuals and I could write much much more in detail about what their specfic strengths (and even weaknesses) are. But right now, I am just seized by the sense of gratitude and love borne out of having them being the fountainhead of my life.
Vacation update
Well....vacation's nearly over....I have spent more than a week here, and the day after tomorrow I will be leaving.
It's so ironic. The so many times in my life when I have just been overtaken by the hundreds (seemingly thousands) of things happening, I manage to find words to sum it up and definie patterns/themes. Now, when I have basically been sitting around the house and spending time with 3 people, I find myself unable to do so. (i.e. sum it up neatly).
Hence, some impressions....
> Long conversations with Mummy, on...well, generally the state of the world - Dolly, Anjan, Dolly n Anjan (together), Nanima, Mama, Mami, Masi, Unni, Shweta, Deepti etc etc. Not so much on the "future". We are kind of agreed that we want to keep that open.
> Movies, movies, movies. Bought 35 DVDs. Saw 7 movies. Saw the entire Friends season 10. Saw entire Mad About You season 2.
> Rediscovery of the net - ryze (added 2 new friends, got added onto a network), blog (3 posts in one week....says it all), imdb (contributed to message boards, read daily news, searched for movies, read reviews etc etc.). I even got linked somehow to a few porn sites, so I finally saw what they look like.
>A look into the past, and it feels like a dream. The classrooms at Don Bosco, the grocery shop near the park in GK, the Dussehra program at TGApts, the long chats in Srinath's cramped drawing room, the picnics with the BBM group, the tuition classes at Vasundhra, the midnight walks at IMT, the meetings with HR Orion - I have snaps of all these, but was I really there??????????????? It just feels like a dream. And then suddenly, I feel exhausted. There's so much to remember, and hence so much to think about, so much to feel. And the feelings aren't always great. The pain comes back. Hard.
It's so ironic. The so many times in my life when I have just been overtaken by the hundreds (seemingly thousands) of things happening, I manage to find words to sum it up and definie patterns/themes. Now, when I have basically been sitting around the house and spending time with 3 people, I find myself unable to do so. (i.e. sum it up neatly).
Hence, some impressions....
> Long conversations with Mummy, on...well, generally the state of the world - Dolly, Anjan, Dolly n Anjan (together), Nanima, Mama, Mami, Masi, Unni, Shweta, Deepti etc etc. Not so much on the "future". We are kind of agreed that we want to keep that open.
> Movies, movies, movies. Bought 35 DVDs. Saw 7 movies. Saw the entire Friends season 10. Saw entire Mad About You season 2.
> Rediscovery of the net - ryze (added 2 new friends, got added onto a network), blog (3 posts in one week....says it all), imdb (contributed to message boards, read daily news, searched for movies, read reviews etc etc.). I even got linked somehow to a few porn sites, so I finally saw what they look like.
>A look into the past, and it feels like a dream. The classrooms at Don Bosco, the grocery shop near the park in GK, the Dussehra program at TGApts, the long chats in Srinath's cramped drawing room, the picnics with the BBM group, the tuition classes at Vasundhra, the midnight walks at IMT, the meetings with HR Orion - I have snaps of all these, but was I really there??????????????? It just feels like a dream. And then suddenly, I feel exhausted. There's so much to remember, and hence so much to think about, so much to feel. And the feelings aren't always great. The pain comes back. Hard.
Thursday, September 02, 2004
Mood
Dark clouds gather and promise a new beginning. Ghulam Ali sings of an erotic, romantic, dead past. PD James describes sin and loneliness in young priests. And a film on vampires awaits my indulgence.
In the evening, I will take a walk and try to find some interesting faces and think about the stories that could lie behind them.
The absorbed demons of the past and the hollow promises of the future fuse into a mellow present.
In the evening, I will take a walk and try to find some interesting faces and think about the stories that could lie behind them.
The absorbed demons of the past and the hollow promises of the future fuse into a mellow present.
Sunday, August 29, 2004
Vacation?
The vacation truly started when I entered the Calcutta international departure terminal and got an eyeful of the warehouse effect that the artistic natives had created. It got better when I went through the round of check in-immigration-customs with cheerful, helpful Bongs.
And reached its peak when I finally stepped into the state of the art Fokker aircraft that was going to transport me to Dhaka. If it hadn’t been so scary, it would have been hilarious. Rather, it was like living out my own liking for black humor. Some impressions – elephant women dressed in printed sarees, greeting you as you walk into the cabin, a meaningful glint the eyes…..- 2 pretty girls fanning themselves with newspapers in the absence of a working AC – a middle aged trying to stem the persistent water drops from a (non working) AC vent with napkins – elephant women rushing down the aisle, handing out green plastic tiffin boxes packed with plastic cheese sandwiches, and then a few minutes rushing back down the aisle with a huge plastic bag, throwing all the tiffin boxes back in. – the Britisher sitting next to me smiling gently and crossing his fingers as the plane swooped down towards the runway – and finally, stepping out onto the tarmac, gazing up into the sky and wondering that you came from up there in this gleaming contraption which stood beside you.
Dhaka itself is an interesting city. There is no middle class. That is evident by the lack of upmarket malls, movie theatres, coffee pubs etc., the normal trappings of the average Indian city. The presence of the both the upper and lower classes is of course highly visible. In some ways in fact, I am reminded of my stay in Chennai – people not speaking Hindi/English ; humid weather and an abundance of eating places. Lack of local industry (except garments) is another reason why the poor remain poor and the rich get to spend their money – everything is horrifyingly expensive. Some of my most interesting moments were spent in the supermarket as I compared prices here with those at home – a Lux bar is Rs.12/Tk.15 ; a Clean n Clear Face wash is Rs. 18/Tk 70 ; a Lay pack is Rs.20/Tk 65 - WHY??!!
At home, its been a mixed bag so far. I am sleeping 8 hrs and above, something that my body is going to rebel against very soon! Am relaxing, talking, gossping, surfing on net, reading, buying & watching movies…….however, the many concerns right now are also a bit draining – there’s Nanima’s health which has been down since Mummy & Dolly left and we all know its because she’s depressed ; Dolly’s job which appears to be a distant possibility unless she joins the omnipresent garments industry ; Mummy’s future, both short & long term, now that she’s no longer independent. Its evident that these concerns are felt and shared by all, which is why there is a sad lack of energy & positivity here. I think I came at the right time, will try to do something about all this before I leave. If nothing else, I can act as a sounding board. Mummy hadn’t been keeping well either for the past 2 weeks, thankfully she’s better today. We have spent the whole morning chatting. I have reacted suitably to the narrations of the incidents involving my sensitive Masi and she’s listened patiently to my long recollections of my office life.
And reached its peak when I finally stepped into the state of the art Fokker aircraft that was going to transport me to Dhaka. If it hadn’t been so scary, it would have been hilarious. Rather, it was like living out my own liking for black humor. Some impressions – elephant women dressed in printed sarees, greeting you as you walk into the cabin, a meaningful glint the eyes…..- 2 pretty girls fanning themselves with newspapers in the absence of a working AC – a middle aged trying to stem the persistent water drops from a (non working) AC vent with napkins – elephant women rushing down the aisle, handing out green plastic tiffin boxes packed with plastic cheese sandwiches, and then a few minutes rushing back down the aisle with a huge plastic bag, throwing all the tiffin boxes back in. – the Britisher sitting next to me smiling gently and crossing his fingers as the plane swooped down towards the runway – and finally, stepping out onto the tarmac, gazing up into the sky and wondering that you came from up there in this gleaming contraption which stood beside you.
Dhaka itself is an interesting city. There is no middle class. That is evident by the lack of upmarket malls, movie theatres, coffee pubs etc., the normal trappings of the average Indian city. The presence of the both the upper and lower classes is of course highly visible. In some ways in fact, I am reminded of my stay in Chennai – people not speaking Hindi/English ; humid weather and an abundance of eating places. Lack of local industry (except garments) is another reason why the poor remain poor and the rich get to spend their money – everything is horrifyingly expensive. Some of my most interesting moments were spent in the supermarket as I compared prices here with those at home – a Lux bar is Rs.12/Tk.15 ; a Clean n Clear Face wash is Rs. 18/Tk 70 ; a Lay pack is Rs.20/Tk 65 - WHY??!!
At home, its been a mixed bag so far. I am sleeping 8 hrs and above, something that my body is going to rebel against very soon! Am relaxing, talking, gossping, surfing on net, reading, buying & watching movies…….however, the many concerns right now are also a bit draining – there’s Nanima’s health which has been down since Mummy & Dolly left and we all know its because she’s depressed ; Dolly’s job which appears to be a distant possibility unless she joins the omnipresent garments industry ; Mummy’s future, both short & long term, now that she’s no longer independent. Its evident that these concerns are felt and shared by all, which is why there is a sad lack of energy & positivity here. I think I came at the right time, will try to do something about all this before I leave. If nothing else, I can act as a sounding board. Mummy hadn’t been keeping well either for the past 2 weeks, thankfully she’s better today. We have spent the whole morning chatting. I have reacted suitably to the narrations of the incidents involving my sensitive Masi and she’s listened patiently to my long recollections of my office life.
Vacation?
The vacation truly started when I entered the Calcutta international departure terminal and got an eyeful of the warehouse effect that the artistic natives had created. It got better when I went through the round of check in-immigration-customs with cheerful, helpful Bongs.
And reached its peak when I finally stepped into the state of the art Fokker aircraft that was going to transport me to Dhaka. If it hadn’t been so scary, it would have been hilarious. Rather, it was like living out my own liking for black humor. Some impressions – elephant women dressed in printed sarees, greeting you as you walk into the cabin, a meaningful glint the eyes…..- 2 pretty girls fanning themselves with newspapers in the absence of a working AC – a middle aged trying to stem the persistent water drops from a (non working) AC vent with napkins – elephant women rushing down the aisle, handing out green plastic tiffin boxes packed with plastic cheese sandwiches, and then a few minutes rushing back down the aisle with a huge plastic bag, throwing all the tiffin boxes back in. – the Britisher sitting next to me smiling gently and crossing his fingers as the plane swooped down towards the runway – and finally, stepping out onto the tarmac, gazing up into the sky and wondering that you came from up there in this gleaming contraption which stood beside you.
Dhaka itself is an interesting city. There is no middle class. That is evident by the lack of upmarket malls, movie theatres, coffee pubs etc., the normal trappings of the average Indian city. The presence of the both the upper and lower classes is of course highly visible. In some ways in fact, I am reminded of my stay in Chennai – people not speaking Hindi/English ; humid weather and an abundance of eating places. Lack of local industry (except garments) is another reason why the poor remain poor and the rich get to spend their money – everything is horrifyingly expensive. Some of my most interesting moments were spent in the supermarket as I compared prices here with those at home – a Lux bar is Rs.12/Tk.15 ; a Clean n Clear Face wash is Rs. 18/Tk 70 ; a Lay pack is Rs.20/Tk 65 - WHY??!! (Aish: any answers?)
At home, its been a mixed bag so far. I am sleeping 8 hrs and above, something that my body is going to rebel against very soon! Am relaxing, talking, gossping, surfing on net, reading, buying & watching movies…….however, the many concerns right now are also a bit draining – there’s Nanima’s health which has been down since Mummy & Dolly left and we all know its because she’s depressed ; Dolly’s job which appears to be a distant possibility unless she joins the omnipresent garments industry ; Mummy’s future, both short & long term, now that she’s no longer independent. Its evident that these concerns are felt and shared by all, which is why there is a sad lack of energy & positivity here. I think I came at the right time, will try to do something about all this before I leave. If nothing else, I can act as a sounding board. Mummy hadn’t been keeping well either for the past 2 weeks, thankfully she’s better today. We have spent the whole morning chatting. I have reacted suitably to the narrations of the incidents involving my sensitive Masi and she’s listened patiently to my long recollections of my office life.
And reached its peak when I finally stepped into the state of the art Fokker aircraft that was going to transport me to Dhaka. If it hadn’t been so scary, it would have been hilarious. Rather, it was like living out my own liking for black humor. Some impressions – elephant women dressed in printed sarees, greeting you as you walk into the cabin, a meaningful glint the eyes…..- 2 pretty girls fanning themselves with newspapers in the absence of a working AC – a middle aged trying to stem the persistent water drops from a (non working) AC vent with napkins – elephant women rushing down the aisle, handing out green plastic tiffin boxes packed with plastic cheese sandwiches, and then a few minutes rushing back down the aisle with a huge plastic bag, throwing all the tiffin boxes back in. – the Britisher sitting next to me smiling gently and crossing his fingers as the plane swooped down towards the runway – and finally, stepping out onto the tarmac, gazing up into the sky and wondering that you came from up there in this gleaming contraption which stood beside you.
Dhaka itself is an interesting city. There is no middle class. That is evident by the lack of upmarket malls, movie theatres, coffee pubs etc., the normal trappings of the average Indian city. The presence of the both the upper and lower classes is of course highly visible. In some ways in fact, I am reminded of my stay in Chennai – people not speaking Hindi/English ; humid weather and an abundance of eating places. Lack of local industry (except garments) is another reason why the poor remain poor and the rich get to spend their money – everything is horrifyingly expensive. Some of my most interesting moments were spent in the supermarket as I compared prices here with those at home – a Lux bar is Rs.12/Tk.15 ; a Clean n Clear Face wash is Rs. 18/Tk 70 ; a Lay pack is Rs.20/Tk 65 - WHY??!! (Aish: any answers?)
At home, its been a mixed bag so far. I am sleeping 8 hrs and above, something that my body is going to rebel against very soon! Am relaxing, talking, gossping, surfing on net, reading, buying & watching movies…….however, the many concerns right now are also a bit draining – there’s Nanima’s health which has been down since Mummy & Dolly left and we all know its because she’s depressed ; Dolly’s job which appears to be a distant possibility unless she joins the omnipresent garments industry ; Mummy’s future, both short & long term, now that she’s no longer independent. Its evident that these concerns are felt and shared by all, which is why there is a sad lack of energy & positivity here. I think I came at the right time, will try to do something about all this before I leave. If nothing else, I can act as a sounding board. Mummy hadn’t been keeping well either for the past 2 weeks, thankfully she’s better today. We have spent the whole morning chatting. I have reacted suitably to the narrations of the incidents involving my sensitive Masi and she’s listened patiently to my long recollections of my office life.
Thursday, August 19, 2004
Romance in the soul
Inspired by Aish's fundoo blog on abused words, I have decided to put down some of the romantic numbers which are my favorites.
The list is (a) not inclusive of a lot of conventionally considered great numbers (b) not exhaustive by a long way (c) inclusive of numbers which raise goose pimples on my body, which may or may not be in the great category...!
"Pretty Woman" - DONT ask me why...I just love the groove, and yes, I love singing along (pretending I am in black leather crooning to a PYT dressed in tights!)
"Bahon ke darmiyan..." - the ultimate mix of sweet romance n poetic sensuality. And if you close your eyes, you can feel the rain, the wind, the fingers......sigh.
"Nights in white satin..." - both the original & Richard Clayderman versions (yes, kill me) appeal to my sense of rhythm & drama.
"Fever..." - (boney m version) - gets the blood running. A different fantasy each time its played.
"Yeh vaada raha..." - a hot cup of tea, sitting on a balcony with green fields spread out before you, and a view of the majestic mountains, a chill in the air, and warmth in your heart.
"Woh pehli baar...." - cheerful, sunny, you sing it with a smile on your face and foot on the pedal (as you shout the words out loud while driving at full speed, laughing...!)
"Yeh ishq ishq hai..." - the only truly oldie in this list and the most complicated song to sing....a heavy quawwali if u try understanding the words....but you need not, the energy & passion touches your heart directly.
"Not a dry eye in the house..." - a sensitive guy has a cynical smile as he sings this. Hits me.
The list is (a) not inclusive of a lot of conventionally considered great numbers (b) not exhaustive by a long way (c) inclusive of numbers which raise goose pimples on my body, which may or may not be in the great category...!
"Pretty Woman" - DONT ask me why...I just love the groove, and yes, I love singing along (pretending I am in black leather crooning to a PYT dressed in tights!)
"Bahon ke darmiyan..." - the ultimate mix of sweet romance n poetic sensuality. And if you close your eyes, you can feel the rain, the wind, the fingers......sigh.
"Nights in white satin..." - both the original & Richard Clayderman versions (yes, kill me) appeal to my sense of rhythm & drama.
"Fever..." - (boney m version) - gets the blood running. A different fantasy each time its played.
"Yeh vaada raha..." - a hot cup of tea, sitting on a balcony with green fields spread out before you, and a view of the majestic mountains, a chill in the air, and warmth in your heart.
"Woh pehli baar...." - cheerful, sunny, you sing it with a smile on your face and foot on the pedal (as you shout the words out loud while driving at full speed, laughing...!)
"Yeh ishq ishq hai..." - the only truly oldie in this list and the most complicated song to sing....a heavy quawwali if u try understanding the words....but you need not, the energy & passion touches your heart directly.
"Not a dry eye in the house..." - a sensitive guy has a cynical smile as he sings this. Hits me.
Tuesday, August 17, 2004
A good conv after a long time
Long conversation with Shekhar last night on this "changes" concept...and i really appreciated it. More than just the content, it was the depth, perspective & sensitivity in the conversation that helped.
Sigh.
Sigh.
Monday, August 16, 2004
Change - again
The concept of change - especially within oneself - keeps coming back to haunt me.
Yesterday, it hit me again. Bad.
The sound of rain, the sight of trees....and it hit me. Thoughts, emotions. One moment I am sitting coolly and thinking about when to wake up Shweta and the next moment I am ready to put a bullet through my head.
I have put in a tremendous effort in terms of control & conditioning over the past 12 to 18 months. And have seen evidence of requisite success - not only from my own, but from others' perspective - e.g.shweta, venkat etc. who would never associate the term 'emotional extremity' with me, unlike anyone else who knows me.
But such incidents cast shadows - Vicky's messages ; Mummy's shifting ; Shweta' s movement ; Darshan's behavior - all culminating in yesterday's afternoon turmoil, casting doubt over whether the supposed change is synthetic or fundamental.
Spoke to L, who says its the result of me trying to negate my own personality. But then, its something I have to live with. My previous way of life is not sustainable. Dont know whether this one is, but its inevitable, I dont think its a choice any more.
Yesterday, it hit me again. Bad.
The sound of rain, the sight of trees....and it hit me. Thoughts, emotions. One moment I am sitting coolly and thinking about when to wake up Shweta and the next moment I am ready to put a bullet through my head.
I have put in a tremendous effort in terms of control & conditioning over the past 12 to 18 months. And have seen evidence of requisite success - not only from my own, but from others' perspective - e.g.shweta, venkat etc. who would never associate the term 'emotional extremity' with me, unlike anyone else who knows me.
But such incidents cast shadows - Vicky's messages ; Mummy's shifting ; Shweta' s movement ; Darshan's behavior - all culminating in yesterday's afternoon turmoil, casting doubt over whether the supposed change is synthetic or fundamental.
Spoke to L, who says its the result of me trying to negate my own personality. But then, its something I have to live with. My previous way of life is not sustainable. Dont know whether this one is, but its inevitable, I dont think its a choice any more.
Wednesday, June 23, 2004
Conversations
Some interesting thoughts/conversations I had with myself/various people over the past one month...
> I find it absolutely amazing how large organizations start developing a character of their own, like children in the same house. The way Accenture functions is so starkly different from the approach of other entities in the space it inhabits. Does it actually act on "ideas"? No. The approach to anything new is cautious, conservative, strewn with reviews and more reviews, and then a series of approvals, each step a carefully considered cost n benefit analysis. Its the approach of an accountant. Nothing like the approach of an i-flex, or even ge, or even polaris, where entrepreneurship is oft-practiced trait.
> The only human being till date about whom I find myself unable to make a definitive statement is Vicky. I keep reaching a conclusion, and then keep doubting myself. The closest I have come to definition is to think of him like a unique kaleidoscope. There are no standard stereotype keys to unlock him. In fact, there's nothing to unlock. Its all there in front of you. All you need is one glimpse of the truth, one sudden n strong connection, and the madness can get resolved into a pattern....a pattern that could be chaotic n contradictory, but colorful n fascinating, provided you can think out of the box. I believe I can, at least when it comes to people. And definitely when it comes to people like him. But how many others will be able to resolve this kaleidoscope? They will keep looking from different angles and see a different picture each time, finally giving rise to strained or half-dead relationships. Thats scary....for Vicky. And I think, somewhere, he recognises this fact, and that is the cause for the incredible sadness that I sometimes sense within him.
But the bugger also has to give people a chance, which he is hesitant to. I would like to add that this is because he has a core of arrogance within him, which I will immediately retract in 15 min. Thats my quandary when it comes to this incredibly fascinating (to me) person. Hence, only the first para of this section is true.
> Dev (movie) succeeded in getting me angry with myself, for having let my social conscience lie dormat for such a long time, as I get steeped into daily trivia. I have always believed that its not always necessary for people to "do" anything for social good ; being aware/educated, and spreading the word, is itself a step in the right direction. I also believed that I would at least continue to do the latter, if not the former. I am now disappointed in myself.
Dev's stark potrayal of the communal situation - the politics behind the riots ; the corruption in the police force ; the horrors of the violence ; the core of humanity found in the unexpected places ; the courage of a few - all this viewed through the eyes of a clear headed, idealistic police office - is one of the most impactful films I have seen. Though Gangajal was better-made (and thats so strange, because Govind is a much more mature director than Prakash), it didn't rouse the emotions that Dev was able to.
I just hope there are more people like me outside. If this films flops at the box office, I will be severely disillusioned by my country.
> Had an extensive feedback discussion with Shilpa and Lakshmi, the details of which I will try to put down in some other blog sometime. One interesting aspect, however, which I thought about later, was when I ran through the list of outstanding skills and abilities I have been told I have. And as I thought of each one of them and traced them back to the core where they would have sprung from, I realised that the core for all of them lay in the values and experiences (especially the tough times) I was exposed to as I grew up. Not that this is an earth shattering revelation - the skills/abilities one has being traced back to the upbringing - but its an opportunity for me to be grateful that I was brought up the way I was, with all the bad times included. The bad times made me tougher, and the good people showed me the way. Thank you God, thank you Mummy.
> I find it absolutely amazing how large organizations start developing a character of their own, like children in the same house. The way Accenture functions is so starkly different from the approach of other entities in the space it inhabits. Does it actually act on "ideas"? No. The approach to anything new is cautious, conservative, strewn with reviews and more reviews, and then a series of approvals, each step a carefully considered cost n benefit analysis. Its the approach of an accountant. Nothing like the approach of an i-flex, or even ge, or even polaris, where entrepreneurship is oft-practiced trait.
> The only human being till date about whom I find myself unable to make a definitive statement is Vicky. I keep reaching a conclusion, and then keep doubting myself. The closest I have come to definition is to think of him like a unique kaleidoscope. There are no standard stereotype keys to unlock him. In fact, there's nothing to unlock. Its all there in front of you. All you need is one glimpse of the truth, one sudden n strong connection, and the madness can get resolved into a pattern....a pattern that could be chaotic n contradictory, but colorful n fascinating, provided you can think out of the box. I believe I can, at least when it comes to people. And definitely when it comes to people like him. But how many others will be able to resolve this kaleidoscope? They will keep looking from different angles and see a different picture each time, finally giving rise to strained or half-dead relationships. Thats scary....for Vicky. And I think, somewhere, he recognises this fact, and that is the cause for the incredible sadness that I sometimes sense within him.
But the bugger also has to give people a chance, which he is hesitant to. I would like to add that this is because he has a core of arrogance within him, which I will immediately retract in 15 min. Thats my quandary when it comes to this incredibly fascinating (to me) person. Hence, only the first para of this section is true.
> Dev (movie) succeeded in getting me angry with myself, for having let my social conscience lie dormat for such a long time, as I get steeped into daily trivia. I have always believed that its not always necessary for people to "do" anything for social good ; being aware/educated, and spreading the word, is itself a step in the right direction. I also believed that I would at least continue to do the latter, if not the former. I am now disappointed in myself.
Dev's stark potrayal of the communal situation - the politics behind the riots ; the corruption in the police force ; the horrors of the violence ; the core of humanity found in the unexpected places ; the courage of a few - all this viewed through the eyes of a clear headed, idealistic police office - is one of the most impactful films I have seen. Though Gangajal was better-made (and thats so strange, because Govind is a much more mature director than Prakash), it didn't rouse the emotions that Dev was able to.
I just hope there are more people like me outside. If this films flops at the box office, I will be severely disillusioned by my country.
> Had an extensive feedback discussion with Shilpa and Lakshmi, the details of which I will try to put down in some other blog sometime. One interesting aspect, however, which I thought about later, was when I ran through the list of outstanding skills and abilities I have been told I have. And as I thought of each one of them and traced them back to the core where they would have sprung from, I realised that the core for all of them lay in the values and experiences (especially the tough times) I was exposed to as I grew up. Not that this is an earth shattering revelation - the skills/abilities one has being traced back to the upbringing - but its an opportunity for me to be grateful that I was brought up the way I was, with all the bad times included. The bad times made me tougher, and the good people showed me the way. Thank you God, thank you Mummy.
Wednesday, June 16, 2004
a quickie full of emotions
i just came back from a delhi trip.....took friday n monday off and went for 4 days to basically meet dolly n mummy before they go to dhaka in 1st week of july.....i was pretty unwell when i left fr here, primarily due to sheer exhaustion, and have come back even more exhausted.,,,,dont know where this will end, have a sneaky suspicion it will end where all things end, at the doors of death.
decent trip...not unbearably hot in delhi, abt 39 degrees......spent time with both of them and of course met nanima, masi n mama etc....went for movie (dev - excellent) n dilli haat as usual......mummy's of course apprehensive n emotional abt the near future, basically i had gone just for the comfort level.....all 3 of us are mainly thinking of nanima who wl be left alone now, thats whats killing all of us,.....
had been looking fwd to seeing shekhar's son (harshit) but was v disappointed when i reached there and got to know that SS is in china......then got to know he's coming back monday night.....so i went to pick him up at 11 last nite, then went to his place, met kiddo (who was thankfully awake) and came back...(yes, got just 1 hr of sleep last nite, and am back in office now)..kiddo is really cute. my heart went out to him n i am a devoted slave for the rest of his life.....on first instinct, he looks like cheenu, but features are a bit like shekhar's. but shekhar's life is in a mess...key cause being of course the early marriage n fatherhood, which he cant handle along with his work.
now am back at work...v tired....mentally, physically n emotionally.........keeping control on emotions n thoughts ; making tough decisions ; living up to yr own expectations as a human being, professional, son, friend ; living a strenuous physical life....all of this is getting to me now and i dont know how far i wl be able to keep this up. for the past 2/3 weeks, its like all the strong emotions n thoughts which i had kept at bay for the past year are now flooding me in one instant. this happens when u dont obey your own self. serves me right for ignoring myself.
decent trip...not unbearably hot in delhi, abt 39 degrees......spent time with both of them and of course met nanima, masi n mama etc....went for movie (dev - excellent) n dilli haat as usual......mummy's of course apprehensive n emotional abt the near future, basically i had gone just for the comfort level.....all 3 of us are mainly thinking of nanima who wl be left alone now, thats whats killing all of us,.....
had been looking fwd to seeing shekhar's son (harshit) but was v disappointed when i reached there and got to know that SS is in china......then got to know he's coming back monday night.....so i went to pick him up at 11 last nite, then went to his place, met kiddo (who was thankfully awake) and came back...(yes, got just 1 hr of sleep last nite, and am back in office now)..kiddo is really cute. my heart went out to him n i am a devoted slave for the rest of his life.....on first instinct, he looks like cheenu, but features are a bit like shekhar's. but shekhar's life is in a mess...key cause being of course the early marriage n fatherhood, which he cant handle along with his work.
now am back at work...v tired....mentally, physically n emotionally.........keeping control on emotions n thoughts ; making tough decisions ; living up to yr own expectations as a human being, professional, son, friend ; living a strenuous physical life....all of this is getting to me now and i dont know how far i wl be able to keep this up. for the past 2/3 weeks, its like all the strong emotions n thoughts which i had kept at bay for the past year are now flooding me in one instant. this happens when u dont obey your own self. serves me right for ignoring myself.
Monday, May 31, 2004
Book
Just finished A Prayer for Owen Meany (John Irving) last night.
The prolific nature and frenetic pace of my reading has been instrumental in desensitising me to most of the books I read nowdays....rarely does a book impact me - make me pause, think & feel - the way this one did. Disturbing, yes. But disturbing because it forced me to look at myself, something which I avoid doing nowdays. Disturbing because it made me acknowledge what was missing.
It was a book about love and faith, both of which I believe go hand in hand. Faith is not just a matter of religious beliefs, about whether one believes in miracles or not - did Moses make the sea part? did Ravana have 10 heads which Ram cut off? etc.etc.
One cannot love without faith. Whoever loves, he also "believes". Thats what this book reminded me. More than the crappy Nicholas Sparks mush.
I am also reading William Dalrymple's City of Djinns. A compelling, albeit amateur, view of Delhi.
Hence, these days I am indulging in 2 elements which used to be a permanent feature once upon a time - the love/faith concept ; and a sense of history.
Unni would be glad.
The prolific nature and frenetic pace of my reading has been instrumental in desensitising me to most of the books I read nowdays....rarely does a book impact me - make me pause, think & feel - the way this one did. Disturbing, yes. But disturbing because it forced me to look at myself, something which I avoid doing nowdays. Disturbing because it made me acknowledge what was missing.
It was a book about love and faith, both of which I believe go hand in hand. Faith is not just a matter of religious beliefs, about whether one believes in miracles or not - did Moses make the sea part? did Ravana have 10 heads which Ram cut off? etc.etc.
One cannot love without faith. Whoever loves, he also "believes". Thats what this book reminded me. More than the crappy Nicholas Sparks mush.
I am also reading William Dalrymple's City of Djinns. A compelling, albeit amateur, view of Delhi.
Hence, these days I am indulging in 2 elements which used to be a permanent feature once upon a time - the love/faith concept ; and a sense of history.
Unni would be glad.
Wednesday, May 26, 2004
Songs
Some of my all time favorite Hindi romantic numbers....
"Yeh Vaada Raha" - a smile on your face, mischief in your eyes, sunshine all around, the kind of song that is 'our song'!
"Bahon Ke Darmiyan" - slow, deep bliss ; being a part of one another ; whats there on your face? Is it the rain or tears?
"Jab koi baat..." - a pleasing tune, easily hummable. simple, poetic lyrics that dont make you stretch. sung with a slight smile and genuine emotion
"Woh pehli baar.." - sheer exuberance of first love, all the ecstacy without the pain
I dont know why I am posting now, especially now when I am in the middle of a tense, harrowing day. Or maybe thats the reason.
"Yeh Vaada Raha" - a smile on your face, mischief in your eyes, sunshine all around, the kind of song that is 'our song'!
"Bahon Ke Darmiyan" - slow, deep bliss ; being a part of one another ; whats there on your face? Is it the rain or tears?
"Jab koi baat..." - a pleasing tune, easily hummable. simple, poetic lyrics that dont make you stretch. sung with a slight smile and genuine emotion
"Woh pehli baar.." - sheer exuberance of first love, all the ecstacy without the pain
I dont know why I am posting now, especially now when I am in the middle of a tense, harrowing day. Or maybe thats the reason.
Friday, April 16, 2004
More...
How cld I forget John Irving......some of the most magical books I have read have been his....The Hotel New Hampshire, and of course the The World According to Garp.
Dont know how I have found the time to actually blog....today's been the most hectic of days, thanks to madam shilpa. Shall blog abt that in detail sometime later.
For now, happy weekend.....though I am working tomorrow...sob!
Dont know how I have found the time to actually blog....today's been the most hectic of days, thanks to madam shilpa. Shall blog abt that in detail sometime later.
For now, happy weekend.....though I am working tomorrow...sob!
Wednesday, April 14, 2004
Authors
Just finished Cujo by Stephen King yest (read for the second time and enjoyed as much..!) and am on the verge of finishing Salman Rushdie's Shame (very very dark, good fun!).
Let me try and list down some of the authors whose books I am devoted to....have read each book of theirs I could get my hands on....
- Stephen King
- Sidney Sheldon (only his first 6 books were good, though)
- Somerset Maughaum
- John Grisham
- Erich Segal
- Salman Rushdie
- Shashi Tharoor
- Agatha Christie
- P G Wodehouse
- Jackie Collins (so sue me!!!!!!!!!!!)
- Enid Blyton (yes, till date remains a favorite)
- Ayn Rand
- Oscar Wilde
- Roald Dahl (esp the stories)
Hmmm....thats quite a list and extremely varied....I am sure a lot of purists shall disown me if they see this.....!!!! But I genuinely reading ALL of these authors....and I am sure there are more......
In fact, its been ages since I made "lists"!! - favorite movies, books, songs, actors etc. etc. The last time I remember doig it was around 8-9 years ago!! Let me try doing that over the next few blogs..!!
Let me try and list down some of the authors whose books I am devoted to....have read each book of theirs I could get my hands on....
- Stephen King
- Sidney Sheldon (only his first 6 books were good, though)
- Somerset Maughaum
- John Grisham
- Erich Segal
- Salman Rushdie
- Shashi Tharoor
- Agatha Christie
- P G Wodehouse
- Jackie Collins (so sue me!!!!!!!!!!!)
- Enid Blyton (yes, till date remains a favorite)
- Ayn Rand
- Oscar Wilde
- Roald Dahl (esp the stories)
Hmmm....thats quite a list and extremely varied....I am sure a lot of purists shall disown me if they see this.....!!!! But I genuinely reading ALL of these authors....and I am sure there are more......
In fact, its been ages since I made "lists"!! - favorite movies, books, songs, actors etc. etc. The last time I remember doig it was around 8-9 years ago!! Let me try doing that over the next few blogs..!!
Friday, April 09, 2004
A trip to Chennai
Wee hours of Tuesday morning, we stepped out from the train onto the Chennai platform bursting with energy...and humidity. A rush of memories accompanied the beads of perspiration that ran down my face.
Out into the waiting arms of the autowallas. A look at the sky confirms the imminent sunrise, hence a rush to the Marina beach. The fact that it was my first visit is evident, otherwise never in my right mind would I have undertaken that 10 km long walk from the road to the sea front, loaded with bags like donkeys, panting like dogs, dragging feet like prisoners of feudal lords. The sight was pleasant though, and soothing. The vastness of the sea in the early morning makes you pause, feel great and humble at the same time.
On to Vermeen's place, and a quick nap in the AC! Shake out the dust from damp jeans/churidars, take a refreshing bath and back into the great outdoors. The rest of the day was a nostalgia trip for me, playing host to Shweta, and proving my repeated assertions of Chennai being a civilised city!
- Roam around Spencers, incl. the new phase III which is really cool
- Juice n shakes at the Fruit Shop - chilled, refreshing n without alcohol content (yay!!our foray into the "healthy" world)
- A get-down-to-basics lunch at Ponnuswamy - the same table where Unni and I sat on my first day in Chennai, and of course the same menu - rice, gravy, prawns n fried chicken!
- a trip to Mocha - iced coffee n tea on the verandah of the old bungalow. A look at Amethyst, with suitable exclamations of delight at the designs n shock at the prices!
Thankfully, Chennai was on its best behavior - cloudy n occasionally drizzling. And the wind actually made an appearance!
Back home, dress up and move on to the "kalyan mandapam" where Venkat's wedding was taking place. Preceded, of course, by the mandatory roam-around in the auto as the driver & I shouted at each other in mutually unitellgible tongues, trying to find the venue!
Entry into the world of zari loaded sarees n sparkling gold jewellery (on both the sexes) ; of heat n humidity ; of blazing fires surrounded by white-clad droning priests ; of "rock" music in the background and then "popular film" music in the foreground ; all under the calm, soothing lights of the videographer, who treated us to a spectacular display of his creative skills (e.g. the bride n groom's pictures being telecast on the TV screens, against a changing backdrop of Hong Kong, Bombay, Vienna......)
Venkat - excited, tired, sleepy, sweaty, panic stricken, communicative, moody, apprehensive, irritated, happy.......all at the same time. Dressed first in a mundu/shirt combo, then in a shirt/trousers/tie combo, then in maroon n black kurta churidar. Constantly accompanied by a towel to wipe away the sweat n a bottle of water to re-hydrate!
Subhashini - (looked) happy, calm, tired, sleepy, communicative, not-so-sweaty.....in short, much more in control inspite of the series of heavy, gorgeous sarees with diamond/gold jewellery that she wore...!
Snacks, then dinner, then a detailed display of personal n fashion photography (with bride n groom as models) and then out again into memory lane. Determined to stay awake (as we had to be back at 4:30 am anyways), our first stop was Zara. A couple of Sangrias - savored by me, rejected by the alcohol-saturated Shweta - we spent a comfortable 45 minutes in the green n brown interiors and were on the road again. Now to Matchpoint - nearly deserted (Tuesday night!) but with the same Chinki threesome mutilating/enhancing songs in equal measure....!! A sinful chocolate terrine for the lady, a liquer coffee for me. Clutch-at-the-heart-and-scream incident of the evening : The Rs.300 coffee had 70% tax slapped on it due to the foreign liquor...thus I had coffee for Rs.500, half the price of the Leela brunch. Sob!
Home (Vermeen's) at 1:15, into bed at 1:30, alarms set for 3:30, targeted ETA at wedding : 4:30 am.
Reality check : alarms did not ring/were ignored. Late getting up, a rush to get dressed (the first time either of us took 10 minutes to get ready for a wedding, I am sure!!) and a mad drive to the venue (Sudeep's Super Fast express - Adyar to T Nagar in 10 minutes!).
Coffee, breakfast and a crash course in "how to get full value for money out of a wedding mandapam by conducting as many rituals as possible". Quick hellos, whispered conversations n hurried goodbyes to Venkat.
Stop at the flat for changing clothes n relieving stomachs and its on the ECR now! A spirited drive on the toll road, and we reached the Fisherman's Cove. Smilingly paid up Rs.800, deposited our possessions with the security and proceeded to the waiting catamaran, the sight of which shocked us out of our wits! 4 logs tied together by a rope, run by a rusty looking motor, taking us 2 km into the sea!?!?! No way!! Somehow, we got convinced into bundling up into life jackets ("they will float for 150 hrs in the sea, saar!"), the only consolation was that if we dont return, at least we wont have office tomorrow.
Straight through the crashing waves (they literally crashed into us), and suddenly we were out into the sea, the shoreline fast receding (like hairlines, but thats another story..). The fisherman in charge made us stand on the frighteningly swaying boat (can we call it that?), prompting the cliched "I am the king of the world" reaction from both of us. And then we stopped. In the middle of nowhere (okay, I am exagerrating, but it certainly appeared that way), we let ourselves into the water (to the theme music from Jaws thumping inside my mind) and then spent a very very pleasant half n hour floating n chatting. Beer of course was sorely missed. Our cellphones weren't. On the way back, we were like calm professionals - not even holding on to the rope! To sum the experience - "awesome".
A cool shower n a hot cup of tea at the bar (yes, the bar), followed by a lovely lunch in their beachfront restaurant. In the middle of the afternoon, we finally left that place and moved back to Chennai.
A stopover at Daskhin Chitra - a heritage village showcasing houses n structures from various parts of South India. We strolled through Tamil Nadu - a brahmin street, merchant;s house, agriculturist's abode, potter;s shed etc....then Kerala - houses from Trivandrum, Calicut etc. The Kerala houses - their cool, wooden interiors, with unusual furniture n lofts n windows....were extremely interesting. In the case of Tamil Nadu, it was more like going into movie sets - have seen these kind of houses so often in movies!! Though we agreed this is one place we could spend a day at, we just HAD to escape - it was too hot!!!
Into the city, a quick nap for Shweta while I visited Aishwariya. 45 minutes wasted at Hertz as I returned the car which wasnt starting and got a replacement (shouted my lungs out imagining my bosses in front of me...very satisfying). Back home, packed up, and then struggled with traffic to finally reach the mecca of sarees- Nalli. 1 hour & 3 gorgeous sarees later, met up with Jyotsna & Vermeen for a Rajasthani thali dinner. Rush to the station, a long, sweaty walk to our bogey at the end of the train. 7 hours later, we alight on the Bangalore station - cool, fresh air greeted us. And we were home!
Out into the waiting arms of the autowallas. A look at the sky confirms the imminent sunrise, hence a rush to the Marina beach. The fact that it was my first visit is evident, otherwise never in my right mind would I have undertaken that 10 km long walk from the road to the sea front, loaded with bags like donkeys, panting like dogs, dragging feet like prisoners of feudal lords. The sight was pleasant though, and soothing. The vastness of the sea in the early morning makes you pause, feel great and humble at the same time.
On to Vermeen's place, and a quick nap in the AC! Shake out the dust from damp jeans/churidars, take a refreshing bath and back into the great outdoors. The rest of the day was a nostalgia trip for me, playing host to Shweta, and proving my repeated assertions of Chennai being a civilised city!
- Roam around Spencers, incl. the new phase III which is really cool
- Juice n shakes at the Fruit Shop - chilled, refreshing n without alcohol content (yay!!our foray into the "healthy" world)
- A get-down-to-basics lunch at Ponnuswamy - the same table where Unni and I sat on my first day in Chennai, and of course the same menu - rice, gravy, prawns n fried chicken!
- a trip to Mocha - iced coffee n tea on the verandah of the old bungalow. A look at Amethyst, with suitable exclamations of delight at the designs n shock at the prices!
Thankfully, Chennai was on its best behavior - cloudy n occasionally drizzling. And the wind actually made an appearance!
Back home, dress up and move on to the "kalyan mandapam" where Venkat's wedding was taking place. Preceded, of course, by the mandatory roam-around in the auto as the driver & I shouted at each other in mutually unitellgible tongues, trying to find the venue!
Entry into the world of zari loaded sarees n sparkling gold jewellery (on both the sexes) ; of heat n humidity ; of blazing fires surrounded by white-clad droning priests ; of "rock" music in the background and then "popular film" music in the foreground ; all under the calm, soothing lights of the videographer, who treated us to a spectacular display of his creative skills (e.g. the bride n groom's pictures being telecast on the TV screens, against a changing backdrop of Hong Kong, Bombay, Vienna......)
Venkat - excited, tired, sleepy, sweaty, panic stricken, communicative, moody, apprehensive, irritated, happy.......all at the same time. Dressed first in a mundu/shirt combo, then in a shirt/trousers/tie combo, then in maroon n black kurta churidar. Constantly accompanied by a towel to wipe away the sweat n a bottle of water to re-hydrate!
Subhashini - (looked) happy, calm, tired, sleepy, communicative, not-so-sweaty.....in short, much more in control inspite of the series of heavy, gorgeous sarees with diamond/gold jewellery that she wore...!
Snacks, then dinner, then a detailed display of personal n fashion photography (with bride n groom as models) and then out again into memory lane. Determined to stay awake (as we had to be back at 4:30 am anyways), our first stop was Zara. A couple of Sangrias - savored by me, rejected by the alcohol-saturated Shweta - we spent a comfortable 45 minutes in the green n brown interiors and were on the road again. Now to Matchpoint - nearly deserted (Tuesday night!) but with the same Chinki threesome mutilating/enhancing songs in equal measure....!! A sinful chocolate terrine for the lady, a liquer coffee for me. Clutch-at-the-heart-and-scream incident of the evening : The Rs.300 coffee had 70% tax slapped on it due to the foreign liquor...thus I had coffee for Rs.500, half the price of the Leela brunch. Sob!
Home (Vermeen's) at 1:15, into bed at 1:30, alarms set for 3:30, targeted ETA at wedding : 4:30 am.
Reality check : alarms did not ring/were ignored. Late getting up, a rush to get dressed (the first time either of us took 10 minutes to get ready for a wedding, I am sure!!) and a mad drive to the venue (Sudeep's Super Fast express - Adyar to T Nagar in 10 minutes!).
Coffee, breakfast and a crash course in "how to get full value for money out of a wedding mandapam by conducting as many rituals as possible". Quick hellos, whispered conversations n hurried goodbyes to Venkat.
Stop at the flat for changing clothes n relieving stomachs and its on the ECR now! A spirited drive on the toll road, and we reached the Fisherman's Cove. Smilingly paid up Rs.800, deposited our possessions with the security and proceeded to the waiting catamaran, the sight of which shocked us out of our wits! 4 logs tied together by a rope, run by a rusty looking motor, taking us 2 km into the sea!?!?! No way!! Somehow, we got convinced into bundling up into life jackets ("they will float for 150 hrs in the sea, saar!"), the only consolation was that if we dont return, at least we wont have office tomorrow.
Straight through the crashing waves (they literally crashed into us), and suddenly we were out into the sea, the shoreline fast receding (like hairlines, but thats another story..). The fisherman in charge made us stand on the frighteningly swaying boat (can we call it that?), prompting the cliched "I am the king of the world" reaction from both of us. And then we stopped. In the middle of nowhere (okay, I am exagerrating, but it certainly appeared that way), we let ourselves into the water (to the theme music from Jaws thumping inside my mind) and then spent a very very pleasant half n hour floating n chatting. Beer of course was sorely missed. Our cellphones weren't. On the way back, we were like calm professionals - not even holding on to the rope! To sum the experience - "awesome".
A cool shower n a hot cup of tea at the bar (yes, the bar), followed by a lovely lunch in their beachfront restaurant. In the middle of the afternoon, we finally left that place and moved back to Chennai.
A stopover at Daskhin Chitra - a heritage village showcasing houses n structures from various parts of South India. We strolled through Tamil Nadu - a brahmin street, merchant;s house, agriculturist's abode, potter;s shed etc....then Kerala - houses from Trivandrum, Calicut etc. The Kerala houses - their cool, wooden interiors, with unusual furniture n lofts n windows....were extremely interesting. In the case of Tamil Nadu, it was more like going into movie sets - have seen these kind of houses so often in movies!! Though we agreed this is one place we could spend a day at, we just HAD to escape - it was too hot!!!
Into the city, a quick nap for Shweta while I visited Aishwariya. 45 minutes wasted at Hertz as I returned the car which wasnt starting and got a replacement (shouted my lungs out imagining my bosses in front of me...very satisfying). Back home, packed up, and then struggled with traffic to finally reach the mecca of sarees- Nalli. 1 hour & 3 gorgeous sarees later, met up with Jyotsna & Vermeen for a Rajasthani thali dinner. Rush to the station, a long, sweaty walk to our bogey at the end of the train. 7 hours later, we alight on the Bangalore station - cool, fresh air greeted us. And we were home!
Monday, March 22, 2004
2 weeks later...
Yes, this feeling of "the body n soul re-awakening" described in my previous blog, continued. I know that for a fact because I have felt low/depressed/in turmoil several times over the past 2 weeks. Welcome back to the rollercoaster.
The weekend was great - a total orgy of eating and drinking. The momentum picked up slowly through Saturday - bowls of watermelon, mugs of beer. The evening, our quartet gathered at the latest watering hole (aptly titled Oblivion!) and made merry till the wee hours of the night, downing everything from rum to vodka to wine, dancing to everything from rock to bhangra to techno. Action moves to my place - long chats on everything under the sun (or moon!), a long drive on the highway, an early morning snack at the airport cafe and back to end when the oldies start coming out for their walks. 3 hours of sleep and I am up, reading the papers and sipping tea. The crowd awakens, a new addition to the orgy team. And we are off again - this time its a champagne brunch at the Leela Palace. 3 hours of gossip n laughter, 7 loaded plates of food - cheeses, salads, soup, rice n curry, desserts, accompanied by live music and pink champagne, spent in a lovely large room filled with a good crowd, looking out on landscaped gardens. Sleepy, happy, we congregated near the garden, lying quietly in the breeze, sipping coffee. The momentum was dying down. The evening was alone at home, with a good book, sipping tomato juice, feeling sick and happy.
And now its Monday and I am in office, clenching my fists as I read irritating mails or listen to nagging commands.
Sigh.
The weekend was great - a total orgy of eating and drinking. The momentum picked up slowly through Saturday - bowls of watermelon, mugs of beer. The evening, our quartet gathered at the latest watering hole (aptly titled Oblivion!) and made merry till the wee hours of the night, downing everything from rum to vodka to wine, dancing to everything from rock to bhangra to techno. Action moves to my place - long chats on everything under the sun (or moon!), a long drive on the highway, an early morning snack at the airport cafe and back to end when the oldies start coming out for their walks. 3 hours of sleep and I am up, reading the papers and sipping tea. The crowd awakens, a new addition to the orgy team. And we are off again - this time its a champagne brunch at the Leela Palace. 3 hours of gossip n laughter, 7 loaded plates of food - cheeses, salads, soup, rice n curry, desserts, accompanied by live music and pink champagne, spent in a lovely large room filled with a good crowd, looking out on landscaped gardens. Sleepy, happy, we congregated near the garden, lying quietly in the breeze, sipping coffee. The momentum was dying down. The evening was alone at home, with a good book, sipping tomato juice, feeling sick and happy.
And now its Monday and I am in office, clenching my fists as I read irritating mails or listen to nagging commands.
Sigh.
Sunday, March 07, 2004
The old self peeped out
On Friday evening, at the end of a conversation (something which I haven't had for a long time), L told me "Wake up".
A little startled by this sharp, incisive, accurate comment of his, I spent the weekend observing how I had been sleeping.
Saturday was idyllic. Shopping with Venkat, then a long, leisurely lunch (Italian), then window shopping again....then dinner at Sameer's with the gang (and the crowd).
But then, the plan was to party through the night. And that didnt happen because Pooja wasnt well and Shweta said she was too tired. First disappointment, Venkat a little angry. Finally, the three of us just sat in the enclosed park under Sameer's apartment and had a gala time doing a post mortem of the party, plus sundry other topics! At the end of it, I felt like going for coffee, but no takers. Shweta sleepy n Venkat irritated.
But inspite of the overall good day, I reached home (at 2 am) feeling restless and vaguely unhappy. Didn't torture myself further that night, all under-the-surface thoughts n emotions were parked for the next day.
Sunday was a day of reflection. Had a lazy afternoon at Barrista. Read (and finished) "Ripley's Game". Lounged in the comfy chair, felt the wind, looked at the landscaped gardens & the waterfalls...and thought.
Sleep. "How" is one asleep and at the same time active??
By never remaining alone with one person for more than 2/3 hrs at a time. Because its difficult to keep up a charade after that time, its easier to lose a bit of control and let your self - your thoughts, your reactions - leak through the pancake.
By conditioning yourself not to depend/expect/demand. And if by any chance, you actually end up in a normal relationship, condition yourself not to show that you depend/expect/demand.
I slipped up on both on Saturday. I treated Venkat, Shweta like friends. And hence, the restlessness, the imminent hurt.
The theory (so to speak) was tested on Sunday evening, during an hour long conversation by Shekhar (our longest in 2/3 yrs, I think!). L's words ringing in my mind (wake up), I dispassionately dissected the conversation as it happened, comparing my responses and his impressions, with what I remembered 3/4 years ago. The drastic difference was not so suprising. As I have constantly noted in these blogs, the undercurrents of change have been swift, effective and not unnoticed.
But what was different now was that I was actually waking up. I actually wanted to scream, and explain and talk and cry. I didn't want to lie ; or pretend ; or present a controlled picture. I wanted to be myself.
Thankfully, I checked myself in time.
And today I am back. Back to being the self I have conditioned myself to be. With remembrances of the weekend when someone else peeked out.
Do I want to wake up?
Its scary.
A little startled by this sharp, incisive, accurate comment of his, I spent the weekend observing how I had been sleeping.
Saturday was idyllic. Shopping with Venkat, then a long, leisurely lunch (Italian), then window shopping again....then dinner at Sameer's with the gang (and the crowd).
But then, the plan was to party through the night. And that didnt happen because Pooja wasnt well and Shweta said she was too tired. First disappointment, Venkat a little angry. Finally, the three of us just sat in the enclosed park under Sameer's apartment and had a gala time doing a post mortem of the party, plus sundry other topics! At the end of it, I felt like going for coffee, but no takers. Shweta sleepy n Venkat irritated.
But inspite of the overall good day, I reached home (at 2 am) feeling restless and vaguely unhappy. Didn't torture myself further that night, all under-the-surface thoughts n emotions were parked for the next day.
Sunday was a day of reflection. Had a lazy afternoon at Barrista. Read (and finished) "Ripley's Game". Lounged in the comfy chair, felt the wind, looked at the landscaped gardens & the waterfalls...and thought.
Sleep. "How" is one asleep and at the same time active??
By never remaining alone with one person for more than 2/3 hrs at a time. Because its difficult to keep up a charade after that time, its easier to lose a bit of control and let your self - your thoughts, your reactions - leak through the pancake.
By conditioning yourself not to depend/expect/demand. And if by any chance, you actually end up in a normal relationship, condition yourself not to show that you depend/expect/demand.
I slipped up on both on Saturday. I treated Venkat, Shweta like friends. And hence, the restlessness, the imminent hurt.
The theory (so to speak) was tested on Sunday evening, during an hour long conversation by Shekhar (our longest in 2/3 yrs, I think!). L's words ringing in my mind (wake up), I dispassionately dissected the conversation as it happened, comparing my responses and his impressions, with what I remembered 3/4 years ago. The drastic difference was not so suprising. As I have constantly noted in these blogs, the undercurrents of change have been swift, effective and not unnoticed.
But what was different now was that I was actually waking up. I actually wanted to scream, and explain and talk and cry. I didn't want to lie ; or pretend ; or present a controlled picture. I wanted to be myself.
Thankfully, I checked myself in time.
And today I am back. Back to being the self I have conditioned myself to be. With remembrances of the weekend when someone else peeked out.
Do I want to wake up?
Its scary.
Thursday, March 04, 2004
Chewed up.
The wedding was a "milestone" sort of event, on which I would have a lot to say,think....record. No time.
At night, I say to the taxi driver "Induction" instead of my destination Indiranagar. This has happened thrice.
Yesterday, as I left the house in a zombie like state, I locked my flatmate in. Got called when I had reached office.
And today, I forgot Unni's birthday. More than anything else, this shook me.
My life has really got chewed up.
At night, I say to the taxi driver "Induction" instead of my destination Indiranagar. This has happened thrice.
Yesterday, as I left the house in a zombie like state, I locked my flatmate in. Got called when I had reached office.
And today, I forgot Unni's birthday. More than anything else, this shook me.
My life has really got chewed up.
Took a pysch test after ages!!!
Big 30 Test Results
Sociability ||||||||||||||| 46%
Aggressiveness |||||||||||||||||| 54%
Assertiveness ||||||||||||||||||||| 66%
Activity Level ||||||||||||||||||||| 66%
Excitement-Seeking ||||||||||||||| 50%
Enthusiasm ||||||||||||||||||||| 70%
Extroversion |||||||||||||||||| 58%
Trust ||||||||||||||| 50%
Morality |||||||||||||||||||||||| 74%
Altruism ||||||||||||||||||||| 70%
Cooperation ||||||||||||||||||||| 66%
Modesty ||||||||||||||| 50%
Sympathy |||||||||||||||||||||||||||| 86%
Friendliness ||||||||||||||||||||| 66%
Confidence ||||||||||||||||||||| 70%
Neatness |||||||||||||||||| 58%
Dutifulness |||||||||||||||||||||||| 74%
Achievement ||||||||||||||||||||| 70%
Self-Discipline |||||||||||||||||| 54%
Cautiousness |||||||||||| 38%
Orderliness |||||||||||||||||| 60%
Anxiety |||||||||||||||||| 58%
Volatility ||||||||||||||| 50%
Depression ||||||||||||||| 46%
Self-Consciousness ||||||||||||||||||||| 62%
Impulsiveness |||||||||||||||||||||||| 74%
Vulnerability ||||||||||||||| 50%
Emotional Stability ||||||||||||||| 44%
Imagination ||||||||||||||||||||| 70%
Artistic Interests |||||||||||||||||| 58%
Introspection |||||||||||||||||||||||| 78%
Adventurousness ||||||||||||||||||||| 70%
Intellect ||||||||||||||||||||| 66%
Liberalism ||||||||||||||| 50%
Openmindedness ||||||||||||||||||||| 65%
Accuracy: - 5 high 4 3 2 1 low
Big 30 Key
Sociability ||||||||||||||| 46%
Aggressiveness |||||||||||||||||| 54%
Assertiveness ||||||||||||||||||||| 66%
Activity Level ||||||||||||||||||||| 66%
Excitement-Seeking ||||||||||||||| 50%
Enthusiasm ||||||||||||||||||||| 70%
Extroversion |||||||||||||||||| 58%
Trust ||||||||||||||| 50%
Morality |||||||||||||||||||||||| 74%
Altruism ||||||||||||||||||||| 70%
Cooperation ||||||||||||||||||||| 66%
Modesty ||||||||||||||| 50%
Sympathy |||||||||||||||||||||||||||| 86%
Friendliness ||||||||||||||||||||| 66%
Confidence ||||||||||||||||||||| 70%
Neatness |||||||||||||||||| 58%
Dutifulness |||||||||||||||||||||||| 74%
Achievement ||||||||||||||||||||| 70%
Self-Discipline |||||||||||||||||| 54%
Cautiousness |||||||||||| 38%
Orderliness |||||||||||||||||| 60%
Anxiety |||||||||||||||||| 58%
Volatility ||||||||||||||| 50%
Depression ||||||||||||||| 46%
Self-Consciousness ||||||||||||||||||||| 62%
Impulsiveness |||||||||||||||||||||||| 74%
Vulnerability ||||||||||||||| 50%
Emotional Stability ||||||||||||||| 44%
Imagination ||||||||||||||||||||| 70%
Artistic Interests |||||||||||||||||| 58%
Introspection |||||||||||||||||||||||| 78%
Adventurousness ||||||||||||||||||||| 70%
Intellect ||||||||||||||||||||| 66%
Liberalism ||||||||||||||| 50%
Openmindedness ||||||||||||||||||||| 65%
Accuracy: - 5 high 4 3 2 1 low
Big 30 Key
Tuesday, March 02, 2004
A poem that Darshan sent me. Startling.
Why do I write
Is it because I have to
Is it because I love to
Is it because I am really good at it
Am I good at it
No I'm not
Yes I am
Not you're not
Yes you are
Who's that?
That was me
Talking to myself?
Was I
Am I neurotic
Or do I just pretend to be
To convince myself that
I have an interesting
personality Do I
Am I
Am I
Not I'm not
Yes I am
No you're not
Yes you are
Does it come naturally
Or is it just a stream of consiousness
One more of my fundas If you will
Is it because I have to
Is it because I love to
Is it because I am really good at it
Am I good at it
No I'm not
Yes I am
Not you're not
Yes you are
Who's that?
That was me
Talking to myself?
Was I
Am I neurotic
Or do I just pretend to be
To convince myself that
I have an interesting
personality Do I
Am I
Am I
Not I'm not
Yes I am
No you're not
Yes you are
Does it come naturally
Or is it just a stream of consiousness
One more of my fundas If you will
Tuesday, February 24, 2004
Snapshots
The mind does not rest. Scared to be alone, it immerses itself in long dinners conducted over numerous drinks, vicarious laughter. Loud conversations soaked in gossip, carefully avoiding a touch of the personal. Silly jokes, long drives, the smell of smoke, the frustrations of others.
Blackness lurks. Life goes on as usual.
Talented Mr. Ripley. One of my favorite movies, turns out that its adapted from a book. And as I read the book, I am awestruck. Not just by the clear, engrossing flow of the story, by the sharp, unemotional dissection of the characters....but by the sheer magic (or so it seems) by which the book got faithfully recreated on film. Either the book is superlative or Matt Damon, Jude Law are brilliant actors. Probably a bit of both.
Mindless data entry on the Satruday. Very inappropriate. Very soothing. The pleasure of actually completing a bit of work and seeing the effort translated into filled up data fields.
Warm Sunday afternoon. For once, I don't shy away from the sun. I let it fall on my face, body, warming me, bringing back memories.....sweat - drenched summers in Delhi, the slap of the hot dusty wind when you move it, the sudden relief of the coling airconditioner.....warm, endless summer holidays in Bangalore, "chilling out" with Darshan, English movies on VCR, Hindi movies in stuffy theatres....
Lord of the Rings. The few human touches in the middle of the overwhelming adventure strike the right (wrong?) note. Lump in the throat....thoughts of Mummy, Nanima, Unni....memories take over. So does imagination. The lurking blackness envelops me in an unsuspecting, unexpected moment.
And its back to office. I want to get up and go. Can't. Won't. Even if I make my cv right now and circulate it tomorrow, it will be at least 2 months before I can be out of here. That means the nightmares ahead look unavoidable. At least, they will keep the mind occupied. Disgusting optimist.
And of course, as I sit at 12 pm typing this, people around me look at me strangely. What the fuck is this guy upto? After all, what does he do??
I wonder.
Blackness lurks. Life goes on as usual.
Talented Mr. Ripley. One of my favorite movies, turns out that its adapted from a book. And as I read the book, I am awestruck. Not just by the clear, engrossing flow of the story, by the sharp, unemotional dissection of the characters....but by the sheer magic (or so it seems) by which the book got faithfully recreated on film. Either the book is superlative or Matt Damon, Jude Law are brilliant actors. Probably a bit of both.
Mindless data entry on the Satruday. Very inappropriate. Very soothing. The pleasure of actually completing a bit of work and seeing the effort translated into filled up data fields.
Warm Sunday afternoon. For once, I don't shy away from the sun. I let it fall on my face, body, warming me, bringing back memories.....sweat - drenched summers in Delhi, the slap of the hot dusty wind when you move it, the sudden relief of the coling airconditioner.....warm, endless summer holidays in Bangalore, "chilling out" with Darshan, English movies on VCR, Hindi movies in stuffy theatres....
Lord of the Rings. The few human touches in the middle of the overwhelming adventure strike the right (wrong?) note. Lump in the throat....thoughts of Mummy, Nanima, Unni....memories take over. So does imagination. The lurking blackness envelops me in an unsuspecting, unexpected moment.
And its back to office. I want to get up and go. Can't. Won't. Even if I make my cv right now and circulate it tomorrow, it will be at least 2 months before I can be out of here. That means the nightmares ahead look unavoidable. At least, they will keep the mind occupied. Disgusting optimist.
And of course, as I sit at 12 pm typing this, people around me look at me strangely. What the fuck is this guy upto? After all, what does he do??
I wonder.
Wednesday, February 18, 2004
Crest n trough
The pace indicated in the prev blog quickened as D-Day - 14 Feb - drew closer.
The week preceding it was MAD!.....frenetic shopping, cross-city drives for personal invites, intense discussions on the action plan for events, last minute reminders n checks with vendors...coupled with Anjan's exhaustion n depression; Dolly' anger and Mummy's tension. Just in case the point wasnt clear - I went MAD!
Of course, the wedding took the cake. The mandap etc was supposed to be ready by 12:30 pm, and Anjan's family were to arrive at 3 pm. I reached venue at 11:15 to check on progress - there was nothing to check. Unshaven, hair oiled, the next 1 and a half hrs were spent screaming on the phone and getting hyper. Finally, Anjan's friend arrived who took over and I managed to go home to bathe and change.
Back at 2:15 pm, things still being set up. To give me company, dearest Bua arrived right on time at 2pm, sneer in full display, disparaging comments flowing like water. Hysteria intensified as the priest kept getting delayed, and the bride herself was far from ready. The main relatives stuck in a traffic jam, as Anjan kept calling me to check when his family could leave and come to the venue (matter of minutes for them, it was so close).
To cut a long story short (yes, it IS short - the tension I was feeling and thoughts flowing through my head could fill a hundred lines) Anjan finally arrived at 4 pm, and from then on, things went off well.
Next day's party was also great.
(More details on both the events hopefully in the next few blogs)
And then the next week arrived. The pace suddenly slowed, and one faced the prospect of getting back to a life that was as startlingly different from this heady, positive time as possible.
And now, am back here. Even more exhausted than I was when I left. Nothing to really look forward to unlike the previous few weeks. Thinking of Mummy who is alone for the next few days. Thinking of Nanima who is unwell and depressed herself. Getting back to a grind that offers "great exposure, great brand name" with a miserable day to day existence. Going back to a home which doesn't feel like one.
Solid, serious depression. And the thought that this was more or less expected does nothing to dilute it.
The week preceding it was MAD!.....frenetic shopping, cross-city drives for personal invites, intense discussions on the action plan for events, last minute reminders n checks with vendors...coupled with Anjan's exhaustion n depression; Dolly' anger and Mummy's tension. Just in case the point wasnt clear - I went MAD!
Of course, the wedding took the cake. The mandap etc was supposed to be ready by 12:30 pm, and Anjan's family were to arrive at 3 pm. I reached venue at 11:15 to check on progress - there was nothing to check. Unshaven, hair oiled, the next 1 and a half hrs were spent screaming on the phone and getting hyper. Finally, Anjan's friend arrived who took over and I managed to go home to bathe and change.
Back at 2:15 pm, things still being set up. To give me company, dearest Bua arrived right on time at 2pm, sneer in full display, disparaging comments flowing like water. Hysteria intensified as the priest kept getting delayed, and the bride herself was far from ready. The main relatives stuck in a traffic jam, as Anjan kept calling me to check when his family could leave and come to the venue (matter of minutes for them, it was so close).
To cut a long story short (yes, it IS short - the tension I was feeling and thoughts flowing through my head could fill a hundred lines) Anjan finally arrived at 4 pm, and from then on, things went off well.
Next day's party was also great.
(More details on both the events hopefully in the next few blogs)
And then the next week arrived. The pace suddenly slowed, and one faced the prospect of getting back to a life that was as startlingly different from this heady, positive time as possible.
And now, am back here. Even more exhausted than I was when I left. Nothing to really look forward to unlike the previous few weeks. Thinking of Mummy who is alone for the next few days. Thinking of Nanima who is unwell and depressed herself. Getting back to a grind that offers "great exposure, great brand name" with a miserable day to day existence. Going back to a home which doesn't feel like one.
Solid, serious depression. And the thought that this was more or less expected does nothing to dilute it.
Wednesday, February 04, 2004
Energy n exhaustion
Intensive shopping (to the extent that the credit card ppl called me to check on my "unusually high activity"!!).....going out...meeting friends....fires in office....massive inflow, peak load.....I could actually make a movie on this chaotic 2/3 weeks and title it HIGH ACTIVITY !!!! (except that the movie itself will need to have a chaotic feel, will not be understood by most ppl, and go into the arty-farty category!)
I am dreading list post-18th Feb when I return from Delhi. Sudden halt to the pace of personal life, sudden chaos all over the professional life. Yuck! Since I don't really have too many friends left, may as well ask God to help me through that time!!!
I am dreading list post-18th Feb when I return from Delhi. Sudden halt to the pace of personal life, sudden chaos all over the professional life. Yuck! Since I don't really have too many friends left, may as well ask God to help me through that time!!!
Tuesday, January 20, 2004
Grey
Grey...defines my internal state of mind and soul....defines the environment.....for the past 2 weeks (since my prev post).
That sharp surge of thought and emotion remained that - a surge. With no sustenance.
Basically, I got upset again, and thought to myself - "what the hell am I letting myself in for"? So went into a grey mood.
Mood further dampened after I heard of Nanaji's death and the details of the events 2/3 days after it. Such a long, rich, full life and such an undignified, sad exit. That lovely house filled with artifacts, mementos from all over the world; filled with bundles of "things" - clothes, equipment; filled with so so so many warm memories - the house now ransacked by greedy, insensitive nephews n nieces, the items that now grace the rooms of unpleasant wimps, or have been thrown off as useless.
Breaks my heart. And brings back memories, memories kept in that dark corner of the mind. Brings to the fore fears, fears best relegated to the corner of the heart.
Can I share with this anyone? These low, dark moments? I can - with the same people who I am running away from.
QED - I am grey.
That sharp surge of thought and emotion remained that - a surge. With no sustenance.
Basically, I got upset again, and thought to myself - "what the hell am I letting myself in for"? So went into a grey mood.
Mood further dampened after I heard of Nanaji's death and the details of the events 2/3 days after it. Such a long, rich, full life and such an undignified, sad exit. That lovely house filled with artifacts, mementos from all over the world; filled with bundles of "things" - clothes, equipment; filled with so so so many warm memories - the house now ransacked by greedy, insensitive nephews n nieces, the items that now grace the rooms of unpleasant wimps, or have been thrown off as useless.
Breaks my heart. And brings back memories, memories kept in that dark corner of the mind. Brings to the fore fears, fears best relegated to the corner of the heart.
Can I share with this anyone? These low, dark moments? I can - with the same people who I am running away from.
QED - I am grey.
Saturday, January 03, 2004
New Year?
Why do so many of my blogs start with questions? Probably because questions are the first step to examination and then to expression. Duh!
I tend to attach a certain amount of significance to the concept of the new year. For one, it allows me to detect and form a pattern to life - experiences, attitudes, approach. For another, it is my superstitious self that reinforces the theme of the year following the pattern of the start.
To elaborate :
Just going back a few years, each year seemed to have a theme that flowed from the experiences at the end of the previous year and the consequent resolutions.....
I began 2001 crying. I was hurt, confused. Unni. I was apprehensive, insecure. Placements. Hence, the theme for the rest of the year - insecurities, apprehensions, turmoil - job (even though I got a good one easily) and Unni (even though he remained with me in Chennai)
I began 2002 alone. A little numb, tired from always thinking, always feeling. And thus started the process of distancing, detachment from people who used to be close to me, from work which I was passionate about. It started with Parish, and picked up momentum through the year. Mid way, I took one of my hardest decisions, and moved away from Chennai (yes, thats the right way to put it) and back to Delhi. Tore my guts out, but it had to be done.
2003 started pleasantly, chilled out at Manoshi's party. There was a lot to think about, there was a lot to feel....after all, I was shedding ppl left, right & centre! But then, there was also work. A career which I knew I had to make. Hence - systems shutdown. Did as much decent work at Polaris as I could....concentrated on getting into a better place. Again, the mid-year change - Accenture. Moved into overdrive - a pace that didnt allow me to think or feel or make any effort, thus sparing me the associated guilt and questions. The pace intensified, the shedding too. Approaches I earlier held dear, vanished, as I spent free time having a "good time", with "friends" with whom I shared hardly one decent conversation.
But now, 2004 is here. And I am forced to pause, to question.
Am I doing the right thing??? This deliberate hardening of the shield - the "it doesn't affect me", "I don't need you" approach - who is it hurting?
But do I have an option??? I have seen the direction the world, and the people, around me are moving. To spare myself too much pain, disillusionment in the future, isn't this what I have to do??
The year didn't start off too well anyways! 31st was office, a measly dinner, and then home. 1st was a pleasant lunch with old friends, followed by an irritating, tense drive to ISKON and back, followed by a broken dinner appointment, followed by a v pleasant evening reading & eating....all in all, a mix. Is that what the year's going to be? No common thread- just a mix?
Mix of what? As Unni said to me, a mix of approaches, not a standardised extremist approach?? (is the tendency to draw parallels becoming too strong?!) Maybe. For a change, I cant focus on what the theme for the year would be - and maybe thats the indication itself.
One resolution is clear - I have to focus more on myself and my health. Have really let myself go last year, with no thought on what I am eating & drinking. From now on, I will regain my old sense of always having a good mix of indulgence and caution!!
Cheers!
I tend to attach a certain amount of significance to the concept of the new year. For one, it allows me to detect and form a pattern to life - experiences, attitudes, approach. For another, it is my superstitious self that reinforces the theme of the year following the pattern of the start.
To elaborate :
Just going back a few years, each year seemed to have a theme that flowed from the experiences at the end of the previous year and the consequent resolutions.....
I began 2001 crying. I was hurt, confused. Unni. I was apprehensive, insecure. Placements. Hence, the theme for the rest of the year - insecurities, apprehensions, turmoil - job (even though I got a good one easily) and Unni (even though he remained with me in Chennai)
I began 2002 alone. A little numb, tired from always thinking, always feeling. And thus started the process of distancing, detachment from people who used to be close to me, from work which I was passionate about. It started with Parish, and picked up momentum through the year. Mid way, I took one of my hardest decisions, and moved away from Chennai (yes, thats the right way to put it) and back to Delhi. Tore my guts out, but it had to be done.
2003 started pleasantly, chilled out at Manoshi's party. There was a lot to think about, there was a lot to feel....after all, I was shedding ppl left, right & centre! But then, there was also work. A career which I knew I had to make. Hence - systems shutdown. Did as much decent work at Polaris as I could....concentrated on getting into a better place. Again, the mid-year change - Accenture. Moved into overdrive - a pace that didnt allow me to think or feel or make any effort, thus sparing me the associated guilt and questions. The pace intensified, the shedding too. Approaches I earlier held dear, vanished, as I spent free time having a "good time", with "friends" with whom I shared hardly one decent conversation.
But now, 2004 is here. And I am forced to pause, to question.
Am I doing the right thing??? This deliberate hardening of the shield - the "it doesn't affect me", "I don't need you" approach - who is it hurting?
But do I have an option??? I have seen the direction the world, and the people, around me are moving. To spare myself too much pain, disillusionment in the future, isn't this what I have to do??
The year didn't start off too well anyways! 31st was office, a measly dinner, and then home. 1st was a pleasant lunch with old friends, followed by an irritating, tense drive to ISKON and back, followed by a broken dinner appointment, followed by a v pleasant evening reading & eating....all in all, a mix. Is that what the year's going to be? No common thread- just a mix?
Mix of what? As Unni said to me, a mix of approaches, not a standardised extremist approach?? (is the tendency to draw parallels becoming too strong?!) Maybe. For a change, I cant focus on what the theme for the year would be - and maybe thats the indication itself.
One resolution is clear - I have to focus more on myself and my health. Have really let myself go last year, with no thought on what I am eating & drinking. From now on, I will regain my old sense of always having a good mix of indulgence and caution!!
Cheers!
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