Negative energy

It started early this year. Flickers of irritation, fueled by unwelcome insights; creeping sense of discontentment, pushed away with disbelieving hands. A refusal to make resolutions, simply because of the realization that I still had baggage from the previous two years. All this simmered under the surface...till a few weeks ago, when it exploded into full fledged emotion.

Anger, at myself. Irritation, with people. Dislike, of my environment. Dissatisfaction, with the returns.

At the face of it, I could call this a "phase" and think of practical ways to get beyond it, like an unpleasant terrain. But...this is something deeper. This is one of those times, which are going to determine the course of my next couple of years. Which is why I am not fighting it too much. There's a lot of energy floating right now, and its natural that some of it would turn negative, as it is focuses my "switched on" mind on the lost potential, unrealised wishes, repressed disappointments, unexpressed envy, harsh realities and so on.

But I am hopeful that my mind will be reasonable the way its always been in such negative situations and remind me that these things, after all, are a part and parcel of everyone's life. Thus bringing out a different facet to this energy - a stronger will, a clearer purpose and greater strength to deal with the significant trials that I know lie before me this year.

It's not going to be easy though. Moving in a positive mode. It's as if I took off last year - in a state of enthusiasm and dizzy excitement - and now I am unsure of what direction to take. All around me I see people moving in purposeful directions, not always happy, but then happiness is usually an accident. What one controls and can achieve is control, a moral compass, a sense of doing what's right, a feeling of being at peace with oneself. It's that what I miss right now and probably that's why other, more material benchmarks of life, pinch me more. Its quite ironical actually!! I am actually going through what I believe most other people go through most of the time (and what I always believed I wouldn't be so prone to!). So again - this is like a grounding. And that's an interesting word - does it imply I was flying too high? Or too rashly? Or too aimlessly? Or too carelessly? I dont know, and I dont think its that relevant.

What's important is that I end this state of mind - this anger, dissatisfaction, irritation, dislike. I slowly let the cacophony of shouts and whispers that haunt me daily nowdays melt into a murmur and finally get silenced; allowing myself to listen to my core, that tells me what to do, what I can do. That allows me to smile, and plan, and have fun, and act, and love, and take love, and achieve, and create, and focus - all at the same time.

Again.

Barkha n thoughts n trends...

Rediscovering likes and habits of previous years seems to becoming a trend now. First it was the trips...then the "spending time with close friends"...and now its thought provoking encounters/conversations.

First it was Shk. For all his irritating habits and conversation, he has a knack of asking me questions or delivering insights that leave me questioning established thoughts and impressions. Part of it is due to my vulnerability with him (which I think I hide well) and partly due to his credibility - because, despite the aforementioned irritants, he is the most intelligent person I know. And an intelligence that has also translated into material success (though he doesn't agree), which makes it more credible. This time it was about relationships and I how I view them. He was particularly interested in knowing more about DB, and I realised how guarded and cautious I am in my responses. And that's with such a close friend! I keep saying that I am pretty open but I think when it comes to really private and important things, I am not that open. Even someone like a Shk has to make an effort.

Completely opposite was Barkha Dutt as the key note speaker at our IWD event yesterday. Her narrative of the role that gender has played in her worklife was warm, absorbing and intensely personal...I wonder if I can ever stand up and be so candid about my experiences, both positive and unsavory in a larger audience? Maybe I can, if the purpose behind the candidness is to talk about an issue. In fact, I have been, come to think of it. Anyway, contrary to the image that she seems to have developed, her speech and then her responses during Q&A and the panel discussion were sensible, balanced and nuanced. A lot of it resonated with me and this is what I enjoy the most - when someone is able to intelligently articulate and express something that I had felt. Its quite rare though :(

Some thoughts and viewpoints that struck a chord -

• Stop seeing gender as being just about women; gender should not become a dogma; it should be an agent of dialogue leading to change for the betterment of society as a whole (Both at work and in personal life, I feel many people dont realize that the issues we discuss are rarely reflective of reality - the reality is often complex and linked to many other issues that need to be tackled collectively)
• Dont ghettoise me; becoming closeted with no entry signs reinforces the same issue or problem we are fighting against; we need to work at integration with the mainstream and not away from it (I have always been against the tendency of every minority/silent/"victimised" community to create a world-within-the-world. I recognise the need for that safety but disliked it nevertheless. I finally found words to describe it)
• Avoiding the victimhood mentality; Creating a space for myself; Organizations and institutions need to help create spaces that deconstruct notions and sensitise the environment as a whole; tokenisms dont help (If you feel like a victim, you become one. Its one of the many self fulfiling prophecies I believe in. That doesnt mean I dont fall prey to it. I do. And thats why I keep saying it -cautioning myself as much as others)
• I had so many twists and turns in what I believed in (why is everyone forced to take a stand on everything? While I believe that being opinionated is usually a sign of intelligence, being able to admit that one's stand can change depending on which side of an issue influences you more is also a sign of mature intelligence. And I was go glad she admitted it too)
• Gender is synonymous with choices and one influence the other. The choices are of both personal and professional nature (I dont think there's right or wrong. There are just choices. If the choice is made with conviction and doesnt infringe on someone else's freedom, its usually "right")

I hope to continue this - pleasant, comfortable, thought provoking times with people I like. Inshallah!

Two Trips

For quite a while, I had been extremely irritated that my "weekend" trips have become a thing of the past. These were brief holidays and respites from the daily madness of life, that I used to enjoy a lot...partly for the trip itself and the sightseeing etc. and partly for the company of close friends. Over several years, these trips, particularly the ones with D, formed a cherished part of my memories, both in my heart and photo albums!

Recently I got the chance to do two quick trips like this, and I took the chance. They were not the typical "driving out of Blr" trips that I used to have, but that doesn't matter...the end intent was the same...to be in a new environment and spend time close friends.

The first was Hyd...a city where I was going for the first time. We started the weekend with our first love - Jodha Akbar - and the "shahenshahi" flavor continued through the day with Qutab Shahi Tombs and Golconda Fort. It was very, very nice to explore an area of history that we weren't so familiar with...and as we racked our brains to establish linkages with pieces of history that we DID know, we realised how out of touch we were with something that we have both interest and inclination towards. Sometimes I think of the boring conversations I have had recently and wonder if that time wouldn't have been better spent doing some interesting stuff like this...unfortunately, Blr is sadly bereft of history :( Anyway, the history lesson continued through to Charminar which i found to be much more impressive than I expected. Its not majestic or imposing but instead an extremely charming structure with very good detail. The surrounding areas are of course fascinating, not the least because of the good food. Two strong impressions that these trips have left behind are of pride and regret. Pride because of our truly interesting and complex heritage...Hyderabad for example, is named after a queen Hyder Begum, who was first a Hindu princess married to a Sultan who was much in love with her. This is such a prime example of the confluence of cultures that symbolise our history and which is now being distorted by wily politicians and an extremely dumb and witless mass of people. The regret is due to our sheer inability to preserve and present this heritage and use it for awareness, education and tourism. Despite having so many resources like these, our country is still "undeveloped" as a society and that again is due to the wily politicians taking advantage of dumb people. Case in point - how many middle class families pay any importance to history and culture in their children's upbringing?

The Hyd trip had other good aspects too - the Ramoji Film City (strangely exciting to even a jaded person like me!) and Firangi Pani, where I saw people DANCE!!!!!! Wow...people in other worlds dance...and that too without fear...wow....

:)

Another aspect that hit me about Hyd was the crowd - the mass of young men clad in synthetic brightly colored shirts, with colored hair, and tight pants and nasal accent ceased to be "exotic" within a few hours and moved to "ewwww!" category for the most part! The women are pretty though!!

Spending time with D was great too...more than anything else, his presence, like Mum, L, Unni etc...calms me and makes me feel sane again. Its not as if we have long, involved conversations - we dont! - its just his quiet understanding, dry humor, insightful observations on the world around and the common love of books and movies that has this effect.

Delhi trip came about by chance - I have Rinku to thank for it!! A CAW workshop became a 4-day trip of which I spent two with Shweta - sensible, funny, grounded, intelligent conversations about the world in general, and our life in particular! Thursday was a perfect day - a loooooooong lunch with wine and music, a drive to CP, Metro ride to Old Delhi, Red Fort, the Sound n Light show, rickshaw to Jama Masjid, dinner at Karim's. Like a silly tourist, I am again so overwhelmed by the sights, sounds and smells of that area that I can hardly find descriptions! (actually I can, but I am so lazy that I dont want to type them...anyway, who cares about exact descriptions anyway, its not as if I am writing a column!). Friday night out was fun too...drinks at Buzz (incl. Absolut Pepper, yay!!), movie at PVR (at 12 at night - cool, I am such a country bumpkin) and paranthas n tea at a highway dhaba at 3 am!

The weekend was with Shk, accompanying him on shopping trips through the malls. I am pleased to announce that I crossed a milestone in my shopping career when I facilitated the purchase of Bulgari shades with numbered lenses worth about Rs.30k in total!! I was also present when about 50% of the Body Shop outlet was bought out (ok, I exaggerate, it was 20!!). More than the shopping, I actually unwinded at his nice house and in the pleasant company of Ch, his kiddo Harshit and of course, him. No, I didnt unwind with him. He winds me up instead!!! Because of his nature, and also because of the increasing distance between our worlds, he is SOOOO irritating, especially since he uses that as a route to get attention and make conversation!! I always lose my temper with him and then regret it later when I have said "bye" because I genuinely miss him a lot. Like D, his presence is also important for me, mainly because of the simplicity and genuineness of his emotions.

So...these were my trips. Not captured on camera for a change...dont know why...but important nevertheless. Hope this sets the trend for this year :)