Farewells and goodbyes. Charming gifts-some practical,some not, all thoughtful. Best wishes- some a formality, many genuine.
Fond memories, the uncomfortable ones forgotten. Some not-so-good people, many great people. I hope to remain in touch.
I cant turn my back and walk straight ahead. I keep looking back. It pains, but it enriches too.
No tears. Its raining outside - the sky cries because I cant.
Bye.
In the middle of this chaotic, muddy world, I create a small space where I hope inspite of everything....basically, i blabber on all and sundry and hope that somewhere i contribute something. To myself, at least.
Friday, June 27, 2003
Wednesday, June 25, 2003
Am blogging at the end of a long, hard day..
Humbug!
Went out for nearly 2 hrs during the day..shopped n had ice cream.
But am actually going mad working n winding up at the same time.
But dont have time to think too much either- which is good.
Hv been going thro others' blogs (the regulars) yest.
Wish I cld know some of them.
People turn me ON. And I rarely find such people.
Wl blog in more detail tomorrow - I promise.
The problem is...I lie thinking in bed at night and often think to myself "hey...I shd record that in my blog".
and the next day, old man that i am, i forget.
Old man brings back memories of my grp that called me "thatha".
Though I am not too much of a grp person, I have really enjoyed the 2 grps I have been a part of - BBM, and MBA.
Sadly, neither lasted.
Me?
Them?
Cant universalise though, there are many that survive n thrive.
Humbug!
Went out for nearly 2 hrs during the day..shopped n had ice cream.
But am actually going mad working n winding up at the same time.
But dont have time to think too much either- which is good.
Hv been going thro others' blogs (the regulars) yest.
Wish I cld know some of them.
People turn me ON. And I rarely find such people.
Wl blog in more detail tomorrow - I promise.
The problem is...I lie thinking in bed at night and often think to myself "hey...I shd record that in my blog".
and the next day, old man that i am, i forget.
Old man brings back memories of my grp that called me "thatha".
Though I am not too much of a grp person, I have really enjoyed the 2 grps I have been a part of - BBM, and MBA.
Sadly, neither lasted.
Me?
Them?
Cant universalise though, there are many that survive n thrive.
Monday, June 23, 2003
Middle class weddings in the middle of summer.
V V V irritating.
The grotesque, sweating men and the badly painted, sweating women ; meaningless rituals followed half heartedly ; a confused DJ and an out of tune band ; forced smiles n garish decorations ; bouquets filled with flowers that cry for help ; lukewarm food and grey water.
Returning home at 1 with a headache.
Coming to office to do crappy things with crappy people.
Nightmare.
V V V irritating.
The grotesque, sweating men and the badly painted, sweating women ; meaningless rituals followed half heartedly ; a confused DJ and an out of tune band ; forced smiles n garish decorations ; bouquets filled with flowers that cry for help ; lukewarm food and grey water.
Returning home at 1 with a headache.
Coming to office to do crappy things with crappy people.
Nightmare.
Mixed feelings. the WORST to deal with.
I can (have) deal with tensions, difficulties, trauma etc etc. As long as one is able to pinpoint what one is feeling and accordingly react.
What happens when there are 2 bubbles.
One that is excited..looking forward...a little confident.
One that is sad....and a little guilty.
I cant bear to see pain on the faces of the people I love - I always claim that. Then how am I able to see mummy;s face? A pain that I know is being caused by me.
Worse, nostalgia is pulling me down. Flashes keep appearing - grandmother's terrace gorging on chocolate biscuits....a walk in Shimla.....the smiles on mummy;s face.....the tears....the talks at IMT....the midmorning tea with pekhna......and now a new chapter.
Its not going to be an easy week.
I can (have) deal with tensions, difficulties, trauma etc etc. As long as one is able to pinpoint what one is feeling and accordingly react.
What happens when there are 2 bubbles.
One that is excited..looking forward...a little confident.
One that is sad....and a little guilty.
I cant bear to see pain on the faces of the people I love - I always claim that. Then how am I able to see mummy;s face? A pain that I know is being caused by me.
Worse, nostalgia is pulling me down. Flashes keep appearing - grandmother's terrace gorging on chocolate biscuits....a walk in Shimla.....the smiles on mummy;s face.....the tears....the talks at IMT....the midmorning tea with pekhna......and now a new chapter.
Its not going to be an easy week.
Mixed feelings. the WORST to deal with.
I can (have) deal with tensions, difficulties, trauma etc etc. As long as one is able to pinpoint what one is feeling and accordingly react.
What happens when there are 2 bubbles.
One that is excited..looking forward...a little confident.
One that is sad....and a little guilty.
I cant bear to see pain on the faces of the people I love - I always claim that. Then how am I able to see mummy;s face? A pain that I know is being caused by me.
Worse, nostalgia is pulling me down. Flashes keep appearing - grandmother's terrace gorging on chocolate biscuits....a walk in Shimla.....the smiles on mummy;s face.....the tears....the talks at IMT....the midmorning tea with pekhna......and now a new chapter.
Its not going to be an easy week.
I can (have) deal with tensions, difficulties, trauma etc etc. As long as one is able to pinpoint what one is feeling and accordingly react.
What happens when there are 2 bubbles.
One that is excited..looking forward...a little confident.
One that is sad....and a little guilty.
I cant bear to see pain on the faces of the people I love - I always claim that. Then how am I able to see mummy;s face? A pain that I know is being caused by me.
Worse, nostalgia is pulling me down. Flashes keep appearing - grandmother's terrace gorging on chocolate biscuits....a walk in Shimla.....the smiles on mummy;s face.....the tears....the talks at IMT....the midmorning tea with pekhna......and now a new chapter.
Its not going to be an easy week.
Mixed feelings. the WORST to deal with.
I can (have) deal with tensions, difficulties, trauma etc etc. As long as one is able to pinpoint what one is feeling and accordingly react.
What happens when there are 2 bubbles.
One that is excited..looking forward...a little confident.
One that is sad....and a little guilty.
I cant bear to see pain on the faces of the people I love - I always claim that. Then how am I able to see mummy;s face? A pain that I know is being caused by me.
Worse, nostalgia is pulling me down. Flashes keep appearing - grandmother's terrace gorging on chocolate biscuits....a walk in Shimla.....the smiles on mummy;s face.....the tears....the talks at IMT....the midmorning tea with pekhna......and now a new chapter.
Its not going to be an easy week.
I can (have) deal with tensions, difficulties, trauma etc etc. As long as one is able to pinpoint what one is feeling and accordingly react.
What happens when there are 2 bubbles.
One that is excited..looking forward...a little confident.
One that is sad....and a little guilty.
I cant bear to see pain on the faces of the people I love - I always claim that. Then how am I able to see mummy;s face? A pain that I know is being caused by me.
Worse, nostalgia is pulling me down. Flashes keep appearing - grandmother's terrace gorging on chocolate biscuits....a walk in Shimla.....the smiles on mummy;s face.....the tears....the talks at IMT....the midmorning tea with pekhna......and now a new chapter.
Its not going to be an easy week.
Wednesday, June 18, 2003
Maughaum.
I have always loved Somerset Maughaum;s books - his writing is intelligent, compassionate, thought provoking, and has a strong narrative, peppered with humor.
Have just finished another one - the merry go around. While it is not so well written, it has its share of insightful, interesting quotes...
(describing a character)
"his deliberate placidity of expression masked a very emotional temperament. In this he recognised a weakness......He kept over himself unceasing watch, as though a dangerous prisoner were in his heart ever on the alert to break his chains. He felt himself the slave of a vivid imagination, and realised it stood against the enjoyment of life which is his philosophy told him was the only end of existence. Yet his passions were of the mind rather than of the body, and his spirit urged his flesh constantly to courses wherein it found nothing but disillusion."
(honest feedback/advice being given)
" Nowadays self sacrifice is a luxury which few have the strength to deny themselves ; people took to it when they left off sugar because it was fattening, and sacrifice themselves wantonly, however worthless the object. In fact, the object scarcely concerns them, they dont care how much harm they cause it as long as they can justify their own selfishness and cowardice".
(gentle conversation)
"People never realise that they have only one life, and mistakes are irreparable. They play with it as though it were a game of chess in which they could try this move and that, and when they get into a muddle, sweep the board clear and begin again.
But life is a game of chess in which one is always beaten. Death sits on the other side of the board, anf for every move he has a counter move"
(conversation on god and after life, bwn an atheist and a realist)
" A :How can a man lead his life uniformly if he is disturbed by the thought of another life to come?God is a force throwing man;s centre of gravity out of his own body
B : Man is a chess player with his definite number of pieces. With these rules, the wise man plays - not to win, for that is impossible, but to make a good fight for it. And if he is wise he will never forget that it is but a game, and therefore not to be taken too seriously.
(conv on truth)
"I think the most valuable thing I have learnt in my life is that there is so much to say on both sides of every question that there is little to choose between them. After all, how can i tell whether Truth has one shape or many?....My art and science is to live."
(stern advice to someone who;s confessions wl make someone else miserable)
"There are three good maxims in the conduct of life " never sin; but if u sin, never repent; and above all, if u repent, never, never confess"
(conv on death, bwn an atheist and a realist)
"After all, even if beliefs of men are childish and untrue, isnt it better to keep them? Surely superstition is a small price to pay for that wonderful support at the last hour, when all else fades to insignificance?
Most of us would give our very souls to believe. Of course we need it, and sometimes need it so intensely that we can hardly help praying to a God we know is not there"
(ref 2nd quote, the character went on with his self sacrifice and ended up causing death n misery)
"In this world we are made to act and think things because others have thought them good. For god's sake, let us be free. Let us do this and that because we want to and we must, not because other people think we ought.....Its because I tried to do my duty that all this misery came about. The world held up an ideal, and I thought they meant one to act up to it; it never occured to me that they would only sneer"
(dinner table conv)
"A common mistake with writers is to make their characters in moments of great emotion express themselves with good taste.....The utterance of violent passion is never artistic, but trite, ridiculous, vulgar and often silly"
(conv bwn 2 best friends)
" I have observed that whenever you're out of humour with yourself, you insult me"
I have always loved Somerset Maughaum;s books - his writing is intelligent, compassionate, thought provoking, and has a strong narrative, peppered with humor.
Have just finished another one - the merry go around. While it is not so well written, it has its share of insightful, interesting quotes...
(describing a character)
"his deliberate placidity of expression masked a very emotional temperament. In this he recognised a weakness......He kept over himself unceasing watch, as though a dangerous prisoner were in his heart ever on the alert to break his chains. He felt himself the slave of a vivid imagination, and realised it stood against the enjoyment of life which is his philosophy told him was the only end of existence. Yet his passions were of the mind rather than of the body, and his spirit urged his flesh constantly to courses wherein it found nothing but disillusion."
(honest feedback/advice being given)
" Nowadays self sacrifice is a luxury which few have the strength to deny themselves ; people took to it when they left off sugar because it was fattening, and sacrifice themselves wantonly, however worthless the object. In fact, the object scarcely concerns them, they dont care how much harm they cause it as long as they can justify their own selfishness and cowardice".
(gentle conversation)
"People never realise that they have only one life, and mistakes are irreparable. They play with it as though it were a game of chess in which they could try this move and that, and when they get into a muddle, sweep the board clear and begin again.
But life is a game of chess in which one is always beaten. Death sits on the other side of the board, anf for every move he has a counter move"
(conversation on god and after life, bwn an atheist and a realist)
" A :How can a man lead his life uniformly if he is disturbed by the thought of another life to come?God is a force throwing man;s centre of gravity out of his own body
B : Man is a chess player with his definite number of pieces. With these rules, the wise man plays - not to win, for that is impossible, but to make a good fight for it. And if he is wise he will never forget that it is but a game, and therefore not to be taken too seriously.
(conv on truth)
"I think the most valuable thing I have learnt in my life is that there is so much to say on both sides of every question that there is little to choose between them. After all, how can i tell whether Truth has one shape or many?....My art and science is to live."
(stern advice to someone who;s confessions wl make someone else miserable)
"There are three good maxims in the conduct of life " never sin; but if u sin, never repent; and above all, if u repent, never, never confess"
(conv on death, bwn an atheist and a realist)
"After all, even if beliefs of men are childish and untrue, isnt it better to keep them? Surely superstition is a small price to pay for that wonderful support at the last hour, when all else fades to insignificance?
Most of us would give our very souls to believe. Of course we need it, and sometimes need it so intensely that we can hardly help praying to a God we know is not there"
(ref 2nd quote, the character went on with his self sacrifice and ended up causing death n misery)
"In this world we are made to act and think things because others have thought them good. For god's sake, let us be free. Let us do this and that because we want to and we must, not because other people think we ought.....Its because I tried to do my duty that all this misery came about. The world held up an ideal, and I thought they meant one to act up to it; it never occured to me that they would only sneer"
(dinner table conv)
"A common mistake with writers is to make their characters in moments of great emotion express themselves with good taste.....The utterance of violent passion is never artistic, but trite, ridiculous, vulgar and often silly"
(conv bwn 2 best friends)
" I have observed that whenever you're out of humour with yourself, you insult me"
Pre monsoon showers, a "cooling off"..and it was time to let go of air conditioned environments and move out.
Met Shalini yest...first went to PVR anupam to buy loads of second hand books...didnt find ANY good books...still, bought abt 14 of them...realised later that i had picked 4 of Daphne du Maurier...do I like her books that much? hmmm...
Then to Dilli Haat...mecca..cldnt resist some shopping..got a smart black n white paper lantern...bamboo mats and holder...ate...hogged...chatted...talked....
As I once told Unni, "As i am sometimes amazed at man's capacity to raise himself and fight all battles (external n internal) and come out on top, i am sometimes depressingly surprised by man;s capacity to drive himself into the ground when he is determined to",
one of the best examples of the former that I have seen is Shalini.
Yest we were discussing a plot of land that she wants to buy into in Coorg, and develop it - first grow stuff that wl bring in money and then build a "back to the basics" weekend retreat there...lovely idea, and , considering circumstances, needs imagination and boldness and a positivity that amazes and delights me.
btw, also met Sidharth for lunch yest. We hogged and chatted, a pleasant chat. After months. And his office is 5 min fr mine. And we were once so close, I was the only one who he cld ever show his weak side to, and vice versa (which, I believe, is the test of strength of intimacy). Sad.
Shalini and Sidharth. Both in one day. Both so different. Both inducing such contrasting thoughts n feelings.
Met Shalini yest...first went to PVR anupam to buy loads of second hand books...didnt find ANY good books...still, bought abt 14 of them...realised later that i had picked 4 of Daphne du Maurier...do I like her books that much? hmmm...
Then to Dilli Haat...mecca..cldnt resist some shopping..got a smart black n white paper lantern...bamboo mats and holder...ate...hogged...chatted...talked....
As I once told Unni, "As i am sometimes amazed at man's capacity to raise himself and fight all battles (external n internal) and come out on top, i am sometimes depressingly surprised by man;s capacity to drive himself into the ground when he is determined to",
one of the best examples of the former that I have seen is Shalini.
Yest we were discussing a plot of land that she wants to buy into in Coorg, and develop it - first grow stuff that wl bring in money and then build a "back to the basics" weekend retreat there...lovely idea, and , considering circumstances, needs imagination and boldness and a positivity that amazes and delights me.
btw, also met Sidharth for lunch yest. We hogged and chatted, a pleasant chat. After months. And his office is 5 min fr mine. And we were once so close, I was the only one who he cld ever show his weak side to, and vice versa (which, I believe, is the test of strength of intimacy). Sad.
Shalini and Sidharth. Both in one day. Both so different. Both inducing such contrasting thoughts n feelings.
Pre monsoon showers, a "cooling off"..and it was time to let go of air conditioned environments and move out.
Met Shalini yest...first went to PVR anupam to buy loads of second hand books...didnt find ANY good books...still, bought abt 14 of them...realised later that i had picked 4 of Daphne du Maurier...do I like her books that much? hmmm...
Then to Dilli Haat...mecca..cldnt resist some shopping..got a smart black n white paper lantern...bamboo mats and holder...ate...hogged...chatted...talked....
As I once told Unni, "As i am sometimes amazed at man's capacity to raise himself and fight all battles (external n internal) and come out on top, i am sometimes depressingly surprised by man;s capacity to drive himself into the ground when he is determined to",
one of the best examples of the former that I have seen is Shalini.
Yest we were discussing a plot of land that she wants to buy into in Coorg, and develop it - first grow stuff that wl bring in money and then build a "back to the basics" weekend retreat there...lovely idea, and , considering circumstances, needs imagination and boldness and a positivity that amazes and delights me.
Met Shalini yest...first went to PVR anupam to buy loads of second hand books...didnt find ANY good books...still, bought abt 14 of them...realised later that i had picked 4 of Daphne du Maurier...do I like her books that much? hmmm...
Then to Dilli Haat...mecca..cldnt resist some shopping..got a smart black n white paper lantern...bamboo mats and holder...ate...hogged...chatted...talked....
As I once told Unni, "As i am sometimes amazed at man's capacity to raise himself and fight all battles (external n internal) and come out on top, i am sometimes depressingly surprised by man;s capacity to drive himself into the ground when he is determined to",
one of the best examples of the former that I have seen is Shalini.
Yest we were discussing a plot of land that she wants to buy into in Coorg, and develop it - first grow stuff that wl bring in money and then build a "back to the basics" weekend retreat there...lovely idea, and , considering circumstances, needs imagination and boldness and a positivity that amazes and delights me.
Tuesday, June 17, 2003
Back again.
Work doesnt seem to stop....2 weeks after handing in my regn, my relieving date has not been decided yet. all because a bitch cldnt handle negative feedback abt the co. and decided to become vindictive (why shd i say she decided? there was no choice, she IS like that)...and of course, all because I cldnt keep my mouth shut, because I tht that my policy of being open and giving feedback wl be appreciated by ppl like her. Dumb me, and Bitch her. explosive combo that has resulted in this mess.
Read abt this girl who had come to Del fr a small vilage, got hoodwinked n gangraped.
Another one- father n son got into a fight with truck drivers..the drivers ganged up and deliberately drove over the father (lying on the road) right in front of his son.
Such nightmarish stories appear every second day, and their regularity n frequency doesnt decrease the impact with which they hit me every single time. Just closing my eyes and putting myself in the place of the victims for a moment induces a depression n rage that, even if for a few moments, leaves me shaken. I shudder to think what these trauma victims go through in the context of harsh realities - corrupt, overworked police force ; social stigmas; absence of support systems; poverty.
News like this appears to tear apart the scenarios of progress n development that surround us. I have to remind myself that there is no question of what is reality/illusion. Both are a reality....gay groups fighting for change in penal code in Bombay ; caste wars in interiors of Bihar - a lower caste woman being forced to eat shit and parade naked, a high caste man getting slaughtered.
It is these contrasting realities that make this country so fascinating and rich. But when such news comes out, the romanticism is shredded. All that remains in my mind is the thought of the 16 year old girl, alone.
Work doesnt seem to stop....2 weeks after handing in my regn, my relieving date has not been decided yet. all because a bitch cldnt handle negative feedback abt the co. and decided to become vindictive (why shd i say she decided? there was no choice, she IS like that)...and of course, all because I cldnt keep my mouth shut, because I tht that my policy of being open and giving feedback wl be appreciated by ppl like her. Dumb me, and Bitch her. explosive combo that has resulted in this mess.
Read abt this girl who had come to Del fr a small vilage, got hoodwinked n gangraped.
Another one- father n son got into a fight with truck drivers..the drivers ganged up and deliberately drove over the father (lying on the road) right in front of his son.
Such nightmarish stories appear every second day, and their regularity n frequency doesnt decrease the impact with which they hit me every single time. Just closing my eyes and putting myself in the place of the victims for a moment induces a depression n rage that, even if for a few moments, leaves me shaken. I shudder to think what these trauma victims go through in the context of harsh realities - corrupt, overworked police force ; social stigmas; absence of support systems; poverty.
News like this appears to tear apart the scenarios of progress n development that surround us. I have to remind myself that there is no question of what is reality/illusion. Both are a reality....gay groups fighting for change in penal code in Bombay ; caste wars in interiors of Bihar - a lower caste woman being forced to eat shit and parade naked, a high caste man getting slaughtered.
It is these contrasting realities that make this country so fascinating and rich. But when such news comes out, the romanticism is shredded. All that remains in my mind is the thought of the 16 year old girl, alone.
Monday, June 16, 2003
Hvnt found time to blog all day.
and i am supposed to be on notice...supposedly "honeymoon" period.
bugger.
am reading Ken Follet's Dangerous Fortune (or something like that)...generally dont read kenfollet but the bookshop owner specially recommended.
and it IS so absorbing - its like a "Dyansty" set in the 19th century, without the allure of Joan Collins (yes, I, in all my adoloscent fantasy, adored her - replete with the 135kg make up!).
I hv realised I hv a real liking for "family dramas" which hv money n politics as background.....wld love to make an elegant, absorbing tele-series like that someday (with genuine designer wear, not glitzy cheap stuff!)
btw, had decent weekend....
i think i wl post tomorrow.
and i am supposed to be on notice...supposedly "honeymoon" period.
bugger.
am reading Ken Follet's Dangerous Fortune (or something like that)...generally dont read kenfollet but the bookshop owner specially recommended.
and it IS so absorbing - its like a "Dyansty" set in the 19th century, without the allure of Joan Collins (yes, I, in all my adoloscent fantasy, adored her - replete with the 135kg make up!).
I hv realised I hv a real liking for "family dramas" which hv money n politics as background.....wld love to make an elegant, absorbing tele-series like that someday (with genuine designer wear, not glitzy cheap stuff!)
btw, had decent weekend....
i think i wl post tomorrow.
Sunday, June 15, 2003
am irritated reading my prev post.
somehow my thoughts on the matter of "god being our purest, perfect core" didnt really come well on paper...i sound more like a teenage girl rehashing ideas which she came across in a prayer meeting.
am so bloody tied up today also. i am supposed to be handing over,yet the current batch of work (most of it crappy) doesnt seem to stop.
Again, I hv entered the bloody realm of uncertainty!! I hate it!!
somehow my thoughts on the matter of "god being our purest, perfect core" didnt really come well on paper...i sound more like a teenage girl rehashing ideas which she came across in a prayer meeting.
am so bloody tied up today also. i am supposed to be handing over,yet the current batch of work (most of it crappy) doesnt seem to stop.
Again, I hv entered the bloody realm of uncertainty!! I hate it!!
Friday, June 13, 2003
Recent posts on religion etc on Eric;s blog prompted me to remind myself what exactly is it that God means to me - after all, I believe in God, yet dont visit temples or participate in any rituals connected to (or supposed to be connected to) worship of Him.
Traced out this mail I had written some time ago to Meet where I had explored this -
I believe Love is God. God is Self. Love and God are both other names for purity and devotion, both found in our absolute Core. As we delve deep in ourselves (as we move along our path of mental and spiritual progress), we discover that Core, which we call God, and whose manifestation we call Love.
This often happens suddenly and instinctively too......a great piece of music, a vision of green valleys tinged with mist, the "high" in the middle of (not the end of) a great sexual experience, the holding of yr baby in yr arms, the sudden feeling that u and he/she are not separate but one. And sometimes it happens at the end of a loner time period.....the result of a massive creative effort, the survival of moments of trauma thro the power of sheer strength, the discovery of faith where we thought none existed, the touching selfless gesture of a stranger .....at all these moments, we "connect" with our core and suddenly discover ourselves. The instinctive statement "i hv attained nirvana" is not an idle claim. At such moments, we have understood the concepts of Love and God, the attendant heady feelings of delight, devotion and purity.
Thus, God and Love is all within ourself.....that purest core of our heart that is sculpted with perfection is the God that we worship, the outward manifestation of that core in our approach and behavior is Love. And the recognition of this is Faith.
Traced out this mail I had written some time ago to Meet where I had explored this -
I believe Love is God. God is Self. Love and God are both other names for purity and devotion, both found in our absolute Core. As we delve deep in ourselves (as we move along our path of mental and spiritual progress), we discover that Core, which we call God, and whose manifestation we call Love.
This often happens suddenly and instinctively too......a great piece of music, a vision of green valleys tinged with mist, the "high" in the middle of (not the end of) a great sexual experience, the holding of yr baby in yr arms, the sudden feeling that u and he/she are not separate but one. And sometimes it happens at the end of a loner time period.....the result of a massive creative effort, the survival of moments of trauma thro the power of sheer strength, the discovery of faith where we thought none existed, the touching selfless gesture of a stranger .....at all these moments, we "connect" with our core and suddenly discover ourselves. The instinctive statement "i hv attained nirvana" is not an idle claim. At such moments, we have understood the concepts of Love and God, the attendant heady feelings of delight, devotion and purity.
Thus, God and Love is all within ourself.....that purest core of our heart that is sculpted with perfection is the God that we worship, the outward manifestation of that core in our approach and behavior is Love. And the recognition of this is Faith.
Thursday, June 12, 2003
'The Wind and the Sea'
I stood by the shore at the death of day,
As the sun sank flaming red;
And the face of the waters that spread away
Was as gray as the face of the dead.
And I heard the cry of the wanton sea
And the moan of the wailing wind;
For love's sweet pain in his heart had he,
But the gray old sea had sinned.
The wind was young and the sea was old,
But their cries went up together;
The wind was warm and the sea was cold,
For age makes wintry weather.
So they cried aloud and they wept amain,
Till the sky grew dark to hear it;
And out of its folds crept the misty rain,
In its shroud, like a troubled spirit.
For the wind was wild with a hopeless love,
And the sea was sad at heart
At many a crime that he wot of,
Wherein he had played his part.
He thought of the gallant ships gone down
By the will of his wicked waves;
And he thought how the churchyard in the town
Held the sea-made widows' graves.
The wild wind thought of the love he had left
Afar in an Eastern land,
And he longed, as long the much bereft,
For the touch of her perfumed hand.
In his winding wail and his deep-heaved sigh
His aching grief found vent;
While the sea looked up at the bending sky
And murmured: "I repent."
But e'en as he spoke, a ship came by,
That bravely ploughed the main,
And a light came into the sea's green eye,
And his heart grew hard again.
Then he spoke to the wind: "Friend, seest thou not
Yon vessel is eastward bound?
Pray speed with it to the happy spot
Where thy loved one may be found."
And the wind rose up in a dear delight,
And after the good ship sped;
But the crafty sea by his wicked might
Kept the vessel ever ahead.
Till the wind grew fierce in his despair,
And white on the brow and lip.
He tore his garments and tore his hair,
And fell on the flying ship.
And the ship went down, for a rock was there,
And the sailless sea loomed black;
While burdened again with dole and care,
The wind came moaning back.
And still he moans from his bosom hot
Where his raging grief lies pent,
And ever when the ships come not,
The sea says: "I repent."
-- Paul Dunbar
Aish sent this poem today....thank god it was easier to understand than most of the modern stuff! ( I am not exactly a poetry-friendly person)
However, found this one extremely....ummmm....satisfying(yes, thats the word).
It was like having Death by Chocolate - cake, fudge, sauce, ice cream....pure, sinful pleasure where all senses are indulged.
This poem was one such indulgence - rich, dramatic, provoking both emotion n imagination.
I wish I cld hv recited this at a recital contest! Hopefully, somelike like Shalini wl do the honors
I stood by the shore at the death of day,
As the sun sank flaming red;
And the face of the waters that spread away
Was as gray as the face of the dead.
And I heard the cry of the wanton sea
And the moan of the wailing wind;
For love's sweet pain in his heart had he,
But the gray old sea had sinned.
The wind was young and the sea was old,
But their cries went up together;
The wind was warm and the sea was cold,
For age makes wintry weather.
So they cried aloud and they wept amain,
Till the sky grew dark to hear it;
And out of its folds crept the misty rain,
In its shroud, like a troubled spirit.
For the wind was wild with a hopeless love,
And the sea was sad at heart
At many a crime that he wot of,
Wherein he had played his part.
He thought of the gallant ships gone down
By the will of his wicked waves;
And he thought how the churchyard in the town
Held the sea-made widows' graves.
The wild wind thought of the love he had left
Afar in an Eastern land,
And he longed, as long the much bereft,
For the touch of her perfumed hand.
In his winding wail and his deep-heaved sigh
His aching grief found vent;
While the sea looked up at the bending sky
And murmured: "I repent."
But e'en as he spoke, a ship came by,
That bravely ploughed the main,
And a light came into the sea's green eye,
And his heart grew hard again.
Then he spoke to the wind: "Friend, seest thou not
Yon vessel is eastward bound?
Pray speed with it to the happy spot
Where thy loved one may be found."
And the wind rose up in a dear delight,
And after the good ship sped;
But the crafty sea by his wicked might
Kept the vessel ever ahead.
Till the wind grew fierce in his despair,
And white on the brow and lip.
He tore his garments and tore his hair,
And fell on the flying ship.
And the ship went down, for a rock was there,
And the sailless sea loomed black;
While burdened again with dole and care,
The wind came moaning back.
And still he moans from his bosom hot
Where his raging grief lies pent,
And ever when the ships come not,
The sea says: "I repent."
-- Paul Dunbar
Aish sent this poem today....thank god it was easier to understand than most of the modern stuff! ( I am not exactly a poetry-friendly person)
However, found this one extremely....ummmm....satisfying(yes, thats the word).
It was like having Death by Chocolate - cake, fudge, sauce, ice cream....pure, sinful pleasure where all senses are indulged.
This poem was one such indulgence - rich, dramatic, provoking both emotion n imagination.
I wish I cld hv recited this at a recital contest! Hopefully, somelike like Shalini wl do the honors
Came across this today on some site.....
ENVOI: WAKING AFTER SNOW
"When did we drift into each other's arms?
Snow, blue as morning, shakes down
in the branches, not a breath among them.
I can't tell if we're one body or two.
As soon as he's settled, the red bird puffs up
his whole heart to the cold. Don't move."
Just took my breath away, particularly the last 2 words.
Such sheer, hopeless romanticism increases my irritation at the plastic romance that seems to abound nowdays. Whether it be the "teen movies" or bestsellers, love is the second most abused word in the dictionary.
(the first being friends.....thats a diff story altogether)
Coming across such writings restores some of the romantic in the increasingly cynical ol' me!!
ENVOI: WAKING AFTER SNOW
"When did we drift into each other's arms?
Snow, blue as morning, shakes down
in the branches, not a breath among them.
I can't tell if we're one body or two.
As soon as he's settled, the red bird puffs up
his whole heart to the cold. Don't move."
Just took my breath away, particularly the last 2 words.
Such sheer, hopeless romanticism increases my irritation at the plastic romance that seems to abound nowdays. Whether it be the "teen movies" or bestsellers, love is the second most abused word in the dictionary.
(the first being friends.....thats a diff story altogether)
Coming across such writings restores some of the romantic in the increasingly cynical ol' me!!
Wednesday, June 11, 2003
Tuesday, June 10, 2003
Shefali sent snaps of her pregnant self yest-
it was nostalgia time once again.
I am breathless at the way time seems to rush past, making near strangers of once-intimately connected people....shef, shekhar, sidharth, ruchika, ashish, geeta, parish......all people with whom i used to have relationships that were "alive"....today they are all far away - literally/metaphorically.
Of course, in some cases there is the occasional "reconnection", like with shekhar.
With others, its all over.
And I remember, and feel, and think.
And suddenly I know I am wrong - what is over is the relationship, but the precious moments of those relationships are alive within me. To be relived, to be thought of with pain and pleasure.
This curiously satisfying, cathartic fusion of pain and pleasure through nostalgia - all the proponents of "I never look back, whats happened is over", do u know what u r missing out on???!!!!!
it was nostalgia time once again.
I am breathless at the way time seems to rush past, making near strangers of once-intimately connected people....shef, shekhar, sidharth, ruchika, ashish, geeta, parish......all people with whom i used to have relationships that were "alive"....today they are all far away - literally/metaphorically.
Of course, in some cases there is the occasional "reconnection", like with shekhar.
With others, its all over.
And I remember, and feel, and think.
And suddenly I know I am wrong - what is over is the relationship, but the precious moments of those relationships are alive within me. To be relived, to be thought of with pain and pleasure.
This curiously satisfying, cathartic fusion of pain and pleasure through nostalgia - all the proponents of "I never look back, whats happened is over", do u know what u r missing out on???!!!!!
Monday, June 09, 2003
Had a decent weekend.
Saturday- Delhi - heat, dust n humidity. I HATE SUMMERS!!!!
Met Dominic in the morning.....my "oldest" friend....most consistent. I am really v fond of him, though he tends to be scatterbrained and as a result, slightly thoughtless sometimes...but still, i remain consistently fond of him.
Spent a pleasant 2 hrs with him...he;s going to US for an onsite assignment again....hv asked him to get a nice camera for me. One of my biggest passions - photography, tho I dont care to develop it professionally at all.
Then, Priyanka (!) n Pekhna met me for lunch - Chinese at Lotus Pond....in Friends colony, where there are so many interesting places./...what a waste!
AND they came late.
Thank god for my habit of always carrying a book with me.
Then it was GK 1....3 of us roaming around in the sizzling heat, sucking on our "chuskis"!!! and finally, i didnt like any floaters (which was the ostensible purpose of the visit)
Then Shalini at Habitat Centre. LOVE the place....the look n the feel. After Dilli Haat (which btw, I know I am going to miss like CRAZY!), this is my fav place. Esp now that it has a food court called Eatopia...decent, cheerful place.
Came back exhausted and as usual, laden with goodies - pastries, kathi rolls etc.
Had a quiet Sunday at home....actually slept in the afternoon......thank god for the AC...
no movies....nothing worth going out for....hate that. I need minimum 2 movie outings/week.
this weekend Matrix reloaded is finally releasing.I am tired of reading reviews n comments.
Saturday- Delhi - heat, dust n humidity. I HATE SUMMERS!!!!
Met Dominic in the morning.....my "oldest" friend....most consistent. I am really v fond of him, though he tends to be scatterbrained and as a result, slightly thoughtless sometimes...but still, i remain consistently fond of him.
Spent a pleasant 2 hrs with him...he;s going to US for an onsite assignment again....hv asked him to get a nice camera for me. One of my biggest passions - photography, tho I dont care to develop it professionally at all.
Then, Priyanka (!) n Pekhna met me for lunch - Chinese at Lotus Pond....in Friends colony, where there are so many interesting places./...what a waste!
AND they came late.
Thank god for my habit of always carrying a book with me.
Then it was GK 1....3 of us roaming around in the sizzling heat, sucking on our "chuskis"!!! and finally, i didnt like any floaters (which was the ostensible purpose of the visit)
Then Shalini at Habitat Centre. LOVE the place....the look n the feel. After Dilli Haat (which btw, I know I am going to miss like CRAZY!), this is my fav place. Esp now that it has a food court called Eatopia...decent, cheerful place.
Came back exhausted and as usual, laden with goodies - pastries, kathi rolls etc.
Had a quiet Sunday at home....actually slept in the afternoon......thank god for the AC...
no movies....nothing worth going out for....hate that. I need minimum 2 movie outings/week.
this weekend Matrix reloaded is finally releasing.I am tired of reading reviews n comments.
Thursday, June 05, 2003
MTV's one tight slap is the BEST concept over.
My personal list - One tight slap to....
- Qualis/Sumo road maniacs who are ready to bump/maim/kill anyone n everyone.
- self appointed custodians of the "great indian culture" - esp sari-clad auntijis who play dirty politics and take out their frustrations by bitching abt young girls' "character"
- BTMs (bhaisaab turned mods) who adopt modernity in every way (clothes, talk, walk, studies) except in their attitude towards women.
- frustrated, lazy secys who use reflected power off their bosses to pretend they are the boss
- govt employees - esp in electricity n telephone boards - whiny, corrupted, lazy, apathetic weasels.
....many more, this list wl remain open for regular additions!
My personal list - One tight slap to....
- Qualis/Sumo road maniacs who are ready to bump/maim/kill anyone n everyone.
- self appointed custodians of the "great indian culture" - esp sari-clad auntijis who play dirty politics and take out their frustrations by bitching abt young girls' "character"
- BTMs (bhaisaab turned mods) who adopt modernity in every way (clothes, talk, walk, studies) except in their attitude towards women.
- frustrated, lazy secys who use reflected power off their bosses to pretend they are the boss
- govt employees - esp in electricity n telephone boards - whiny, corrupted, lazy, apathetic weasels.
....many more, this list wl remain open for regular additions!
Am bored. And its so damn hot outside, else I wld hv gone out...SOMEWHERE.
Going away fr delhi wont be easy. or rather, Gurgaon.
Hv grown to like this place.....most of the things i want are all within 15 min - restaurants, pubs, malls, multiplexes.....most of the things, except friends...people I can connect with. Thats in Blr.
And if i go there n discover that D is going onsite, wl kill him!!!!
dont want to do any work. just want to get away fr here. what purpose wl these people achieve by making an unhappy person stay against his will just to serve the notice period...??doesnt make any sense, not even business sense. No wonder this locn is stagnating. morons.
i want to have ice cream (i am an icecreamoholic). and i have , just HAVE to lose weight and get in shape. i am sure ice cream wl win. it always does. why cant they have no-fat, 1-calorie ice cream? morons too.
everybody;s a moron. i am the sole wise one. yay.
crap.
Going away fr delhi wont be easy. or rather, Gurgaon.
Hv grown to like this place.....most of the things i want are all within 15 min - restaurants, pubs, malls, multiplexes.....most of the things, except friends...people I can connect with. Thats in Blr.
And if i go there n discover that D is going onsite, wl kill him!!!!
dont want to do any work. just want to get away fr here. what purpose wl these people achieve by making an unhappy person stay against his will just to serve the notice period...??doesnt make any sense, not even business sense. No wonder this locn is stagnating. morons.
i want to have ice cream (i am an icecreamoholic). and i have , just HAVE to lose weight and get in shape. i am sure ice cream wl win. it always does. why cant they have no-fat, 1-calorie ice cream? morons too.
everybody;s a moron. i am the sole wise one. yay.
crap.
Wednesday, June 04, 2003
Just had a long discussion with my SEC head, Aruna K.
She starts, "what?"
Me : "I would like to put in my papers. I have a good opp, i think its time i move on"
she :"but why?"
and then, my biggest mistake - i told her.
I, being diplomatic at the same time, tried discussing the environment with her, what I felt was wrong, why it is not conducive to my growth, and why I did not find it useful to discuss this with anyone before. This took 5 min.
The next 40 min she spoke. Her evaluation :
- I am immature, ignorant, presumptuous, arrogant
- I am not a professional. I have cheated my family, by getting an MBA degree, because I lack perspective.
- I dont know how to deal with complexity and challenges. I dont have any skills to analyse the environment.
- I need counselling, which she;s trying to give. More than that, I need therapy sessions with a psychiatrist.
- I am an armchair critic who has no understanding of complexity, and cant appreciate the greatness of this orgn.
- I can only fit into a public sector, bureaucratic orgn where everything is handed to me on a silver platter, where I do personnel work and dont hv to take any decisions or initiatives.
- I think everyone is useless, all of us (the mgmt) are a bunch of jokers and idiots.
and etc etc etc.
At the end of it, the most priceless of statements- "No individual has a right to pass a judgement on another individual. I dont know you, I cant judge you".
Imagine!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Well, my reaction:
During her tirade, I refused to be bowed down, and kept interjecting my comments, which inflamed her more.
Finally I shut up and took the diplomatic middle stand of "maybe my perspective needs to change, I need additional exposure to appreciate the environment" etc etc.
She cooled down then and proceeded to spend the next 20 min on general gyan and on how great Polaris is.
What a BITCH!!!!!!!!!I mean,I cld hv dealt with -
- she getting pissed off that I didnt even speak to her before deciding(even tho i dont report to her) and being indifferent and curt.
- she giving me a genuine feedback on how maybe it is my perspective that needs changing etc.
ha!
instead she proceeds to spew a 1000 litres of smug, defensive, humiliating, judgemental venom. My fault anyways. I know how she is, I dont know why I thought I cld have a decent discussion with her.
One of the worst, useless 90 mins of my life.
God knows whats going to happen to my relieving etc. No one willing to take responsibility....jab kaam dena hai, sab boss. jab kaam karna hai, koi boss nahin. creeps all.
She starts, "what?"
Me : "I would like to put in my papers. I have a good opp, i think its time i move on"
she :"but why?"
and then, my biggest mistake - i told her.
I, being diplomatic at the same time, tried discussing the environment with her, what I felt was wrong, why it is not conducive to my growth, and why I did not find it useful to discuss this with anyone before. This took 5 min.
The next 40 min she spoke. Her evaluation :
- I am immature, ignorant, presumptuous, arrogant
- I am not a professional. I have cheated my family, by getting an MBA degree, because I lack perspective.
- I dont know how to deal with complexity and challenges. I dont have any skills to analyse the environment.
- I need counselling, which she;s trying to give. More than that, I need therapy sessions with a psychiatrist.
- I am an armchair critic who has no understanding of complexity, and cant appreciate the greatness of this orgn.
- I can only fit into a public sector, bureaucratic orgn where everything is handed to me on a silver platter, where I do personnel work and dont hv to take any decisions or initiatives.
- I think everyone is useless, all of us (the mgmt) are a bunch of jokers and idiots.
and etc etc etc.
At the end of it, the most priceless of statements- "No individual has a right to pass a judgement on another individual. I dont know you, I cant judge you".
Imagine!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Well, my reaction:
During her tirade, I refused to be bowed down, and kept interjecting my comments, which inflamed her more.
Finally I shut up and took the diplomatic middle stand of "maybe my perspective needs to change, I need additional exposure to appreciate the environment" etc etc.
She cooled down then and proceeded to spend the next 20 min on general gyan and on how great Polaris is.
What a BITCH!!!!!!!!!I mean,I cld hv dealt with -
- she getting pissed off that I didnt even speak to her before deciding(even tho i dont report to her) and being indifferent and curt.
- she giving me a genuine feedback on how maybe it is my perspective that needs changing etc.
ha!
instead she proceeds to spew a 1000 litres of smug, defensive, humiliating, judgemental venom. My fault anyways. I know how she is, I dont know why I thought I cld have a decent discussion with her.
One of the worst, useless 90 mins of my life.
God knows whats going to happen to my relieving etc. No one willing to take responsibility....jab kaam dena hai, sab boss. jab kaam karna hai, koi boss nahin. creeps all.
Tuesday, June 03, 2003
Came across this line in another blog :
"It is easy, with time, to forgive those who hurt you.
It is much harder, I think, to forgive those who make you hurt them"
Its so so true.
Its the worst feeling in the world - hurting someone u care
for...deliberately,slowly...so that more than the other, it causes pain to u.
why should i hurt someone i love? its that part of romanticism which is the darkest and fascinating
- when u want to get a reaction. when you want to know that u matter to the other......("love to see u cry" by enrique. horrible song, tho)
- when u have been thro so much pain, that u want the other to feel even a part of it, to be able to say "now u know how i felt" (this happens often, but in small measure)
and many other situations.
The height of the dark side of love is reached when u want to punish yrself for being so foolishly, madly, irretrievably in love with the other.
And the best way to punish someone is to cause pain to the one they love.
Skewed, right? yes, it is. and thats why, when this happens, it destroys u.
and thats y u hate the person who made you hurt him.
"It is easy, with time, to forgive those who hurt you.
It is much harder, I think, to forgive those who make you hurt them"
Its so so true.
Its the worst feeling in the world - hurting someone u care
for...deliberately,slowly...so that more than the other, it causes pain to u.
why should i hurt someone i love? its that part of romanticism which is the darkest and fascinating
- when u want to get a reaction. when you want to know that u matter to the other......("love to see u cry" by enrique. horrible song, tho)
- when u have been thro so much pain, that u want the other to feel even a part of it, to be able to say "now u know how i felt" (this happens often, but in small measure)
and many other situations.
The height of the dark side of love is reached when u want to punish yrself for being so foolishly, madly, irretrievably in love with the other.
And the best way to punish someone is to cause pain to the one they love.
Skewed, right? yes, it is. and thats why, when this happens, it destroys u.
and thats y u hate the person who made you hurt him.
Monday, June 02, 2003
I HATE a state of uncertainty. After "unavoidable" delays, this is one of my most irrational peeves. Irrational coz sometimes things DO hang in limbo....sometimes there ARE unavoidable delays.
At such times, I want to rock the earth and shake the heavens. And since I am but a mere, miniscule, insignificant lil mortal, I just have to internalise it and watch my BP shoot for no one's fault but my own.
Bugger.
At such times, I want to rock the earth and shake the heavens. And since I am but a mere, miniscule, insignificant lil mortal, I just have to internalise it and watch my BP shoot for no one's fault but my own.
Bugger.
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