Slaps on the face

L got married. Aside from the emotional impact, there was no other similarity to D's wedding, which I had enjoyed a few months earlier. But this is not about L, will save that for later.

Vicky got engaged. "Her name is Divya, she's from Mumbai, 23 years old" was the introduction. "Met on Saturday, decided on Sunday and got engaged on Monday" was the process."Congratulations" was my response on sms.

I dont really want to analyse why, but this annoucement feels like a violation of self. Its like everything I stood for, everything I felt strongly about, has just been swept aside like a dried leaf from the backyard. Its as if all the other marriages - Shefali, Aish, Venkat etc. - have been a stepping stone to this final nail in the coffin. My coffin.

What this brings to mind is a poem that recently became a favorite of mine -

Dirge without Music

I am not resigned to the shutting away of loving hearts in the hard ground.
So it is, and so it will be, for so it has been, time out of mind:
Into the darkness they go, the wise and the lovely.
CrownedWith lilies and with laurel they go; but I am not resigned.
Lovers and thinkers, into the earth with you.
Be one with the dull, the indiscriminate dust.
A fragment of what you felt, of what you knew,
A formula, a phrase remains,--but the best is lost.
The answers quick and keen, the honest look, the laughter, the love, --
They are gone. They are gone to feed the roses. Elegant and curled
Is the blossom. Fragrant is the blossom. I know. But I do not approve.
More precious was the light in your eyes than all the roses in the world.
Down, down, down into the darkness of the grave,
Gently they go, the beautiful, the tender, the kind;
Quietly they go, the intelligent, the witty, the brave.
I know. But I do not approve. And I am not resigned.

Chaos

I am sure I have posted this title sometime earlier....

What pervades my life right now is a mix of chaos, uncertainty, irritation and steely determination that would make for fascinating observation if I were not the hapless subject!

Mummy's health, doc visit etc.; Shekhar's visit, kiddo etc.; Car troubles, money etc.; L's round-the-corner marriage, work to do, bad back etc.; loads of work in office, no support system etc. --------all converging in this one week spelling MADNESS!!

I am more exhausted, physically and mentally, than I have been for a long, long time.

Strategy - keep my head down and just survive the storm. It will abate, it always does.