Reaction

It's interesting to feel the third-party-observer feeling even in the midst of tragedy, or rather, especially in the midst of tragedy, when emotions - both genuine and farcical - are at full blast and the guard either fully down or fully up.

I shall restrict myself to recording observations about just one person - myself. Even so, laziness and some remnants of inhibition prevent me from a detailed download. What I do instinctively remember, and can pen down, are some snapshots...

The deadcalm on the first day as I reached Delhi..and it continued. I met mami, nanima, betu, ankits...torn inside..yet not a tear was visible. Was I acting on some sort of remote control??

The total breakdown on the second day was unexpected. By then I had assumed that the presence of a large number of "well wishers" made me restricted and unemotional at the surface. But on actually seeing him, my tears didn't stop, just didn't stop.

The recovery was as suprising. How the scorching (literally, I had the feeling that my stomach was burning) pain within me and the smile on my face co-existed I have no clue, but coexist they did. I chatted with family, teased the kids, completed required errands, thought about regular food schedules...occasionally burst into tears, yes, but as quickly went back into the smile mode. But unlike previous phases, this was not instinctive. It was what he had done for us in '97 and this is what I did for his family in 2005.

Post that for the next week or so, I just had one pattern to note - when other people cried, I couldn't; when other people were calm, I could. Of course, this was not always the case, but more or less. It explained a lot of times when I remained apparently unemotional in the midst of explosive moments and others when I apparently unexpectedly broke down.

The return to Blr has been as chaotic (internally) as expected. Work has not been the savior I had expected (hoped) it to be, in fact my disenchantment with work has grown to an alarming level. Part of it is probably this irrational anger at the entity called Work that made me keep postponing my holiday so that I hadn't met him this entire year. My behavior has also been mercurial. I have not demonstrated any significant emotion with close ones but actually ended up with an unexpected outburst with M that left him irritated n confused and me highly angry at my uncharacteristic self destructive inflictment of potentially irreparable damage.

Today was the first day I have spent absolutely alone in the past 3 weeks and I have kept myself occupied with phone conversations n household errands. Nevertheless the heart was kept aching by memories that decided to push themselves in the forefront at the most inopportune moments.

I am going to go for dinner with M, and I have no clue how it will go. Its a loss of control that is again, highly uncharacteristic

land of the living dead

I sit in this small room, check my archived mails and burst into tears every few moments. I call up people just to hear a friendly voice and distract me from the images that keep floating in my head. I hear Mama's voice every so often in my ear and I want to turn around and see him standing there with a wry smile on his face. I also want to suspend my disbelief and internalise the fact that he's gone. I dont want to work, I dont want to talk about people agenda and flyer updates and communication portals. I dont want to be unoccupied either. I dont want to read or watch movies that may make me think or feel. I shudder at the thought of the next few days. I am worrying about the people I left behind in Delhi and how they are dealing with it and what they are thinking. I am worried about mummy getting back to dhaka and sitting alone and then internalising what's happened and then going into depression. i miss L n U, both of whom understand perfectly what I am going through and both of whom are not available, L for a week and U for some months. I dont look forward to putting a plastic smile and telling everyone i am fine, i do look forward to hearing some gossip which no one seems to have. i just want him back. i just want him back.