Had lots to say, but no time to actually write it out.....or maybe things were just so complex that putting it in linear written form would have taken too much effort....hence, dug out the dictaphone and used it after ages. Felt good to put into words all I had been feeling. Will try to return to blog properly, though.
Unni's traced this blog through Aish. Not sure how I feel about it. On one hand, have tried to keep this page only for myself. On the other, ideally there's nothing on my mind that I would actually keep from him (note: I used the word ideally.....whats been happening in reality is another matter!)....this may very well be the forum for resurgence of communication. And that's good. Coz I miss him terribly.
I really wish I could write well....Darshan's persona as he approaches his marriage (6 months away) can be a hilarious (albeit tinged with cynicism) study. However, here the heart rules the mind and I just feel bad at the multitude, often contradictory, thoughts & emotions that envelop him. As usual, the feeling of helplessness is frustrating. All I can do is be there. At least, unlike some others he doesnt push me away to drown alone in sorrow!
One of the common reactions I am experiencing towards people nowdays is anger. Anger at duplicity, at relentless self promotion, at hollowness of promises, at inability to stand up for themselves, at general wimpishness, at the use n throw attitude.........everything, all the time!!!! Honestly speaking, its not as if people have suddenly started displaying these attributes, hence its something within me that's driving this reaction. Not sure what, though. It's not very healthy, either. Either one should do something with the anger and make a genuine difference somewhere, else its just destructive to the self and the relationships.
Strangely, haven't been reading a lot lately either!! This is despite there being a host of interesting books lying at home which I haven't read! Including intricate murder mysteries!! Should pick up a Stephen King....thats always a good kick start into relentless reading.
Am really really worried about Mummy. Dolly too, actually. Its unfair that I make less of her tendency to depression because she's younger, healthier and has a hubby who takes care of her. That doesnt make internal turmoil any lesser.....(this is exactly the kind of trap most people fall into). Hence, am really worried about both Mummy & Dolly. I hope they get occupied soon. Thats the critical first step.