Pleasure trip

Weekend reading -

> The Know it All - an explosion of thoughts and information (both pretty much useless most of the time!) delivered in a series of succint paragraphs and pages that make you rock with laughter and caustically raise your brows in an equal measure. The book is essentially the author's (he is an Esquire editor, to make it even more surreal) journey through the Encyclopaedia Brittanica (did I spell that right?) and the totally lateral thinking he indulges in while doing so. The best thing about this book is that its extremely readable but not gripping as it's not in a "story" form. Hence, its become my coffee shop book - I carry it around in my car and pick it up for reading whenever I go for my regular coffee/tea outings (as I will tonight....its raining and so peaceful)

> Diplomatic Baggage - as hilarious as the book above, but as addictive as QAF! - "where does she go next?" "what happened to her next?" - these questions have driven me to read this book every night for the past five days and hence sleep much later than usual. The book is written by an EC diplomat's wife and is an account of her travels with him. What makes it more than just "funny", are the highly compassionate approach to all situations as well as the vicarious sense of pleasure one gets through a travel book!

Weekend outings -

> Opus - after a horrendously boring alumni dinner/presentation, going to Opus was like stumbling on to an Oasis. I dont know if it was the fact that I was near boredom-death when I reached there, but the place positively sparkled this Saturday! All elements converged somehow - the grey crouds against the palm trees, the twinkling lights in the hatch roof, the DJ belting out Boney M tunes, the purrfect Mojito, the good company (H). What sets this place apart from all other Blr joints is the unpredictability of the entertainment it has to offer. At the same time, it has the that beautiful aspect to it which is common to all good places here - the complete democracy in its clientele, a complete lack of homegeneity. I saw pierced-eyebrow-youngsters next to button-down-yuppies next to long-skirt-aunties, all shaking their booty to Grease Lightning! Loved it.

Weekend movies -

> Dor - to be honest, my first reaction to this movie is "its such a radical departure from Nagesh Kukunoor's style, I am sure he has got someone to ghost direct it". Having said that (not that I am not a fan of his style of movies, I am), this movie is one of the most surprising in a lot of other ways too - the sheer simplicity of its storytelling (I felt I was reading a well written novel), the evocative music, the fine performances, the sheer strength of its message. I thoroughly enjoyed it and it has suitably compensated for my recent disappointments.

Thinking - pause.

The more I think, the more negative the spiral. I don’t know why that should be so…in the past, thinking has often been my route to appreciate the world around me, the people, their characters, their achievements; it been my way of imbibing the impact of the arts, of examining and evolving myself.

For the past few weeks however, thinking has led me to get morose, regretful and much worse, disillusioned and disappointed. A significant contributor to this state of mind is the games that people play, an often recurring observation through the years. Usually they arouse in me amusement and fascination – the lies that people concoct about themselves, the way they use one emotion as an excuse for another, the multiple levels at which they lead their lives, the subversive tactics they employ even on their loved ones to get what they want, the twist that conventional philosophies are given to justify their own lies (e.g.” life is short so live it fully”, translated to “I will do whatever I want, at whatever cost, because life is short and I want to live it fully”!!!). But this amusement/fascination was probably the reaction from my arrogant ivory tower, which was earlier peopled with those I had carefully filtered, sifted through and developed as “close ones” who I “liked and respected”. Thanks to my changing behavior patterns over the years, today my circle is not just about these people…others are now directly touching my life too. And so do their games. And the snob that I am, it irks me, never mind that it’s my own doing.

So today I am caught somewhere in the middle. I don’t want to be cynical – that’s not me, and that’s not where I want to go either. But I don’t dare hope, because that hope is invariably crushed by disappointment.

Switching off is not a solution. As I have seen earlier, switching off did eliminate some of these negatives from my life but affected the positives too. And that’s a risk I am just not willing to take…life is too short and too unpredictable to take these positives for granted. (in positives, I include my relationships that are my anchor as well as my own essence, which is growth oriented and positive)

So what I probably need to do is some reverse filtering. It won’t be very painful because, quite logically, as the breadth of my acquaintance has widened, the depth has decreased. But it will be highly inconvenient, because I would need to give up on a way of life – actions, events, interactions – which I had enjoyed and gotten used to. It will also be cumbersome, taking up effort and mind space during a period when I need my energies and focus more than ever. But it’s something that I need to do, so I will do it.

Back on...

Yes its been ten days since I returned from Delhi and I have not yet been able to post anything. Writing even in its most superfluous forms is demanding and one of its foremost demands is for you to open your mind, if not your heart, to the power of the pen. And that’s something that I could not bring myself to. Not because I couldn’t handle it, but because I didn’t want to. I didn’t want to feel so strongly that something burnt inside; I didn’t want to think so hard that all energy got sapped out of me. I didn’t want to look at areas I was already uncomfortably familiar with and I didn’t want to visit places that I knew didn’t agree with me.

In some strange, ironic way, I seem to have found that release today, 20th Sep, exactly a year from that day. Maybe it’s some perverse sub conscious way of paying homage to the person whose company made me feel comfortable and secure and free. Or maybe it’s because daily affairs have consumed me to such an extent that anything deeper doesn’t seem to matter anymore. But the end result is that I am at least writing again.

I just saw Bas Ek Pal, a movie I had been looking forward to as its director had previously made My Brother Nikhil, one of my all time favorites. I was quite disappointed but I would not like to blame my high expectations for that. Despite an extremely interesting storyline and good performers, the director was just not able to craft it all together into an engaging movie.

But I also realize that, as a very rare occurrence, my current state of mind and mood has also influenced my reaction to the movie. To be very honest, as I grapple with my grief and anger and regret and loss, and the knowledge that I have been grappling with these and will continue to do so for a long time, I find myself more and more unable to bear the cast of loser characters in the movie. I realize it’s an unfair comparison and I will probably change my mind tomorrow, but as of now, I just feel irritation at people who are not content with the pain that life throws at us anyway, and allow their weaknesses to actually create pain where none could have been allowed to exist…how stupid!!! (the reason I say this logic is unfair is because pain created from any source is still painful, and that realization is the basis for compassion)

Off the cuff, I have recently seen some other movies too which had more or less a similar set of characters – KANK, Closer, Match Point. Each movie was cynical (as opposed to compassionate) in its view of human folly, each movie touched unerringly on the inherent ruthlessness and selfishness that seems to increase in direct proportion to the weakness in our character. People use people. People just use love as an excuse to be ruthless. Love rarely exists. And when it does, it’s marred immediately by infidel or unjust acts that destroy the purity it should ideally represent.

This irritation carries over (or maybe is a carry over from) into my personal life as well. I am tired of being “balanced” in my perspective, “holistic” in my judgment, “detached” in my view…or to put it plainly - I am tired of making excuses for people. I genuinely love people and I genuinely love relationships. I want to like people wholeheartedly. And I want to respect people wholeheartedly. This is not an unrealistic expectation. It’s just tough and requires discipline and effort. But then, everything that’s worthwhile does. The easy way is for the losers anyway.

Mama

In the midst of the turbulence, the irritation, the disappointments, the exhaustion, there's one thought that seeps through my body and mind...

Your absence has gone through me
Like a thread through a needle
Everything I do
Is stitched with its color

Just cant tolerate them!!!!!!

Next time someone gives me feedback that I need to improve my tolerance levels, I shall use Naveen's response - "I cant help it if the pace of growth of stupidity is faster than my tolerance levels!"

Seriously...I am generally a nice, reasonable guy who makes (ok, has learnt to make) allowances for imperfections in people (especially since I realise that only then will they make allowances for mine!!) and tries (operative word, unfortunately) to be non judgmental when they do stuff pretty much against my...ahem...morality (ya, ya, I still have some of those)

But...and this is a big but (no pun intended at all)...I will NOT change my tolerance levels for....

> People who tell me I should increase my tolerance levels to accomodate the growing stupidity around me

> People who are genuinely genuinely dumb and make no attempt whatsoever to change that status

> Men who under their tight shirts-trendy haircuts-English speaking-urban persona continue to be staunch MCPs

> People who are clannish - religion/region/sexual orientation/career/language

> People who act very nice with/about people they thoroughly dislike (for their own perverted, often gossipy, motives)

> Parents who force children to pursue a career/marry/produce kids for "my sake"

> People who ignore or mistreat their elderly parents/relatives

> Young women (20/30) who bitch/gossip about teenage and "morality"

> People who quickly declare themselves guilty (of being selfish/weak/not realising their potential/careless etc etc) and think the matter's closed

> People who love to advise others but never extend support/help

> People who try saving on petrol in their car

> People who always, always come late

> People who say (in a very profound way) "relationships are all about give and take"...or even better, "there is a right time for doing everything in life" or similar absurdities

Cant remember any more now, will add to this list later :)

Hip hop of the mind

I am glad I took those 2 days off the previous week else I dont think I w0uld have survived the week that's just gone by. Each day of this week demanded complete immersion and attention of every faculty of my persona in every aspect.

There were the offsite/community events that required me to socialise, smile, be alert, be quick on the draw, observe and understand.

There were the multiple social occasions that got me into a "fun" mode that was exhausting nevertheless, whether it be the firangi paani outing with the team or the dance-for-3-hrs-at-a-stretch at the HR party.

There was the scary, pitiful incident of the girl who attempted suicide right in front of me, and whose life I now closely follow and narrate every day, keeping multiple stakeholders posted, discussing implications, actions etc etc. Through all these discussions, I just keep remembering her face, near-dead to the world.

There were the involved conversations with "friends" (yes, I have again fallen into the trap of using that word more loosely than it deserves to be) who had experiences, thoughts, emotions, events to share. I was sometimes a listener, sometimes a partner, sometimes a distraction....but through them all, I realised two things that haven't changed in me - I can never be completely detached and one thought always leads to another. For example, it wasn't enough that these conversations sometimes challenged me to a dangerous point (for example, what do you say to someone who tells you that if he died today, there would be no one to really really grieve over him?), I had to take them a step further and start figuring out who MY real friends are. And that, needless to say, is a long path.

There was the ever present pressure of work - rising attrition, upcoming compensation issues - that needed me to think, plan, think, plan, act, talk, shout, be calm, think, plan, write, talk.....

There was the upcoming trip to Delhi - planning work (which will be critical - moderations) around it, planning the logistics, deciding how to spend my time, who to meet.

There was the re-opened subject of my career - what to do next? and once I have decided that, where to do it? BPO/IDC/Shared Services? Accenture or outside? BPO or IT or FMCG or Consulting? Blr or Bom or Del? And once that's clearer, HOW????

So, at the cost of sounding like a broken record, I am exhausted - mentally, physically, emotionally. And the next week - Delhi - doesn't look better. And the week after that - moderation meetings - doesn't look restful either.

But, practical boy, that I am, I recharged myself a bit last week by taking 2 days off. I recharged myself a bit this weekend by spending time with D, U. Will think of something for next week too. Ha!

In the meanwhile, I will keep thinking and doing and talking and feeling and doing and thinking and feeling and talking......like I am doing right now...crying for some strange stupid reason.

I am glad I took those 2 days off the previous week else I dont think I w0uld have survived the week that's just gone by. Each day of this week demanded complete immersion and attention of every faculty of my persona in every aspect.

There were the offsite/community events that required me to socialise, smile, be alert, be quick on the draw, observe and understand.

There were the multiple social occasions that got me into a "fun" mode that was exhausting nevertheless, whether it be the firangi paani outing with the team or the dance-for-3-hrs-at-a-stretch at the HR party.

There was the scary, pitiful incident of the girl who attempted suicide right in front of me, and whose life I now closely follow and narrate every day, keeping multiple stakeholders posted, discussing implications, actions etc etc. Through all these discussions, I just keep remembering her face, near-dead to the world.

There were the involved conversations with "friends" (yes, I have again fallen into the trap of using that word more loosely than it deserves to be) who had experiences, thoughts, emotions, events to share. I was sometimes a listener, sometimes a partner, sometimes a distraction....but through them all, I realised two things that haven't changed in me - I can never be completely detached and one thought always leads to another. For example, it wasn't enough that these conversations sometimes challenged me to a dangerous point (for example, what do you say to someone who tells you that if he died today, there would be no one to really really grieve over him?), I had to take them a step further and start figuring out who MY real friends are. And that, needless to say, is a long path.

There was the ever present pressure of work - rising attrition, upcoming compensation issues - that needed me to think, plan, think, plan, act, talk, shout, be calm, think, plan, write, talk.....

There was the upcoming trip to Delhi - planning work (which will be critical - moderations) around it, planning the logistics, deciding how to spend my time, who to meet.

There was the re-opened subject of my career - what to do next? and once I have decided that, where to do it? BPO/IDC/Shared Services? Accenture or outside? BPO or IT or FMCG or Consulting? Blr or Bom or Del? And once that's clearer, HOW????

So, at the cost of sounding like a broken record, I am exhausted - mentally, physically, emotionally. And the next week - Delhi - doesn't look better. And the week after that - moderation meetings - doesn't look restful either.

But, practical boy, that I am, I recharged myself a bit last week by taking 2 days off. I recharged myself a bit this weekend by spending time with D, U. Will think of something for next week too. Ha!

In the meanwhile, I will keep thinking and doing and talking and feeling and doing and thinking and feeling and talking......like I am doing right now...crying for some strange stupid reason.