Each year, my birthday brings with it its own share of reflections, ruminations and resolutions. Somehow the period around it is always active, always rich with fodder for thought and emotion, that I usually chew on for days, turning it over and over until the sharpness of taste is distilled into a more acceptable evenness.
This week too, there's a lot to think about, and I suspect some of it will remain for a long time to come. Like the passing of Anjan's nani. Even in her death, she has preserved that nobility and dignity of spirit that I had come to symbolize with her. For the last few months, she had been quietly letting go of all her possessions, distributing them to the people around her. During her last moments, she clearly expressed her wish that everything should proceed as it was, including Arav's birthday celebration. And she donated her body to research, a commitment she had way back in 1988. I remember the gentility of her soul and the strength of character, the artist in her. In that one meeting during the wedding, I had been deeply affected by her, and shall continue to be so.
And then there's the other extreme in ages. During our trip to Wonderla, I was so impressed by Naveen's children and the generosity of spirit they displayed towards Arav. They meet him not more than a couple of times a year, yet the affection and care they bestow on him is unparalleled even by the standards of the closest of siblings. As Arav would put his in theirs and look up at them with a trusting smile, and then follow them into the most daring (and for him, most unlikely) of places, my heart would melt and swell with an unnatural mix of wonder, pride and gratitude. Maybe that's why one always equates the very young and the very old - their purity of intent.
But life maintains a balance and it's been painful to see the turmoil and heartbreak that Sonali is going through and the serious depression in Unni. Sonali's situation also forces me to acknowledge uncomfortable parallels with mine, that make me think again, what am I doing? And she...she doesn't deserve it...so much intelligence, so much character, so much style...and yet something like this has changed life for her, at least for now.
Unni's another matter. My weird, umbilical connection with him has ensured that I feel that I am perpetually on a see-saw where he is concerned. I can sense the downward spiral he's getting into, and I know from past experience that there's nothing much I can do except hold the net out and pray. Especially when I am thousands of miles away.
Speaking of umbilical cords, I don't know where things are with V today. I know that one day the rollercoaster will get to me, and I will get tired of the dance of intimacy and retreat. And that one day the negatives for him will win over the positives. But, surprisingly, its survived. Every time I feel that it's over or about to get over (like the last ten days), suddenly arrives a day when the connect and intimacy is restored. Until next time. So I dont know...continue to take each day as it comes, starting afresh.
Same with career actually. Dont know where it's going or even supposed to go. Being a little fatalistic, adopting the attitude of "I have done my bit, now the rest is up to..." ...Fate? God? I don't know...but I still believe that ultimately things that are meant to happen will happen, and everything happens for a reason. So whether it be my career...or V...I shall just try and remain true to myself, and trust in the higher order.
This week too, there's a lot to think about, and I suspect some of it will remain for a long time to come. Like the passing of Anjan's nani. Even in her death, she has preserved that nobility and dignity of spirit that I had come to symbolize with her. For the last few months, she had been quietly letting go of all her possessions, distributing them to the people around her. During her last moments, she clearly expressed her wish that everything should proceed as it was, including Arav's birthday celebration. And she donated her body to research, a commitment she had way back in 1988. I remember the gentility of her soul and the strength of character, the artist in her. In that one meeting during the wedding, I had been deeply affected by her, and shall continue to be so.
And then there's the other extreme in ages. During our trip to Wonderla, I was so impressed by Naveen's children and the generosity of spirit they displayed towards Arav. They meet him not more than a couple of times a year, yet the affection and care they bestow on him is unparalleled even by the standards of the closest of siblings. As Arav would put his in theirs and look up at them with a trusting smile, and then follow them into the most daring (and for him, most unlikely) of places, my heart would melt and swell with an unnatural mix of wonder, pride and gratitude. Maybe that's why one always equates the very young and the very old - their purity of intent.
But life maintains a balance and it's been painful to see the turmoil and heartbreak that Sonali is going through and the serious depression in Unni. Sonali's situation also forces me to acknowledge uncomfortable parallels with mine, that make me think again, what am I doing? And she...she doesn't deserve it...so much intelligence, so much character, so much style...and yet something like this has changed life for her, at least for now.
Unni's another matter. My weird, umbilical connection with him has ensured that I feel that I am perpetually on a see-saw where he is concerned. I can sense the downward spiral he's getting into, and I know from past experience that there's nothing much I can do except hold the net out and pray. Especially when I am thousands of miles away.
Speaking of umbilical cords, I don't know where things are with V today. I know that one day the rollercoaster will get to me, and I will get tired of the dance of intimacy and retreat. And that one day the negatives for him will win over the positives. But, surprisingly, its survived. Every time I feel that it's over or about to get over (like the last ten days), suddenly arrives a day when the connect and intimacy is restored. Until next time. So I dont know...continue to take each day as it comes, starting afresh.
Same with career actually. Dont know where it's going or even supposed to go. Being a little fatalistic, adopting the attitude of "I have done my bit, now the rest is up to..." ...Fate? God? I don't know...but I still believe that ultimately things that are meant to happen will happen, and everything happens for a reason. So whether it be my career...or V...I shall just try and remain true to myself, and trust in the higher order.