Met someone last week who reminded me of....Me!!!
It was only when I met him and spoke to him, that I realised why I felt such a strong sense of connection & emotion at the same time....it was because I recognised in him what I used to be.
I knew I had changed over the years, especially over the past 2 years, but not to this extent! Its scary...its like something was happening within me,,,and though I was dimly aware, I didn't realise the sharpness. Me....who has spent unholy amounts of time scrambling & meticuluously examining the truth within. And now its as if I hv been caught sleeping!!! It would be funny if it weren;t so tragic. Black humor enters my life again.
But what was it that prompted this realisation? I think it was the sheer romanticism that shone from him, the "goofiness", the straight-from-the-heart conversation. In my reaction to him I recognised the reactions of others to me, till a few years ago - Shekhar, Avijit, Amit, Meet - all people who had the same expression on their faces that I had when I met Vicky.
And where & when did this change happen? I think it was like a slow but steady erosion of rock by strong, salty waves (I certainly havent lost my zest for yucky romantic similies!).
And why?? The answer lies partly in the past..partly in the future. Today, I am what I am because of certain things that happened...the grief, the disillusionments, the loss of trust, the sense of disbelief, that forced me to withdraw back into myself.
Also, I am what I am because I am preparing for the future - a future very different, a future I can nevertheless see the genesis of, right now.
In fact, the strongest example of this is reflected in my social life. I used to be a person v v clear abt who I wanted to be with, who I got intimate with. Hence, had many pleasant simple social relationships, had a few very strong, intimate relationships, used to go out often only with the people I am close to, liked to spend time at home if that wasnt possible.
Now, I have many friends, none of whom I am intimate with. Once in a while a conversation with Unni/L/Darshan...and rarely, Shekhar...thats the extent of my intimacy. And the ratio of my social contact with them is barely 10-20% in comparison to the rest of my hectic, "fun oriented" socialising.
And finally...do I regret it? Wellll....to be v v honest, Yes.
I liked myself, genuinely did. Now I dont know even know whether I know myself, so where;s the question of liking.
And if I can't say I like myself, will I ever see the intimacy, the affection, the loyalty that I have known from others in the past? Certainly wont.
But perhaps that was a foregone conclusion that I had made about the future. And changed myself to suit that vision. Deep workings of the mind that even the self isn't aware of.
In the middle of this chaotic, muddy world, I create a small space where I hope inspite of everything....basically, i blabber on all and sundry and hope that somewhere i contribute something. To myself, at least.
Monday, October 27, 2003
Monday, October 20, 2003
Bloody hell, its been a month since I blogged!!!!!!!!!! What the hell is the point of life if you cant even spare for yourself a few moments of introspection/rambling......?!!!
I feel like stamping my feet and crying loudly...!! There's so bloody much to think, think, think, worry, worry, work out, work out, plan,plan.......ALL the time......projects, people, workplans, PPTs, unread mails, un-returned phone calls, updates, timings, cold, cough, dolly, mummy, plan, finances, abn amro, shares, laundry, bookcase, sarees, shopping, relatives, friends, relationships.....in short, mental n physical exhaustion.
And at the end, do I have a smug satisfied look on my face? No, I dont...the harried, circle under the eyes, totally confidence unispiring look continues. I look like a weak idiot. And my performance review barely a month away.
Just spoke to Unni....his father's not well, he;s running around docs n clinics, he;s got a job opportunity at Oracle which he;s not sure abt pursuing because of most convoluted, contradictory, unconvincing reasons. So, whats new.
I can't make it to chennai/pondicherry this weekend. Hell - its better if I just stay in Del. There when I miss him, I can at least console myself with the 3000km distance between us. Now, 300km away, its frustrating - so near, yet still so far. He's a self desructive fool. And I hv become like him. My time in Chennai was so painful because of this itself - the experience of being so close to the person who could take me to the highest heights, yet the actual reality of being at the lowest point most of the time. And, once in a while, I wld ask him - what are we doing??? We know each other, care for each other, understand each other, and are nearby each other. Yet both of us wrapped up in our own miseries, not reaching out to the other.
After eons, went for a play yesterday, or rather a series of one-act plays. Rather an amateurish production (though you wldnt have thought it looking at the prices!), 2 of the plays were really good, 2 were all right, and 2 were bad.
The good ones :
"The Rut" by some Russian playwright.
An old couple sitting in the dark, conversing. They are sitting in the dark because the husband forgot to bring candles. And so begins the acidic conversation that brims with biting witticims, delivered with perfect timing by two seasoned actors. They had to hold up the act twice because of the applause n laughter that followed every second line!
"The Philadelphia" by.....god knows! (my memory remains as good as ever!)
While the Rut played upon words, the strength of this one came from its characters - a flirtatious, good natured charlie who loves giving advice; a bored, pretty, hardened waitress; and an earnest buffoon who is in "the philadelphia", a state of life where you get exactly the opposite of what you ask for. Extremely enjoyable because of effective casting....in fact, I mean to trace the mail id of the main actor and send him my compliments. Sigh! another "to do" for my list!
The bad ones were basically sophisticated topics, marred by the lack of depth in collegians.
Which brings me to Baghban - a typical "family" movie, about an old couple and their children etc etc etc. Yes, it was overdone; yes, it was a little exagerrated. But the core was true. And that core of strong, pure emotion was brought out by the excellent performances of the 2 lead actors. My companions, on the other hand, couldn't stop screaming "yuck" most of the time. They are the same 2 women who love picking up stray puppies in sympathy, who can't stop their tears when their boyfriends say a harsh word to them, claiming that they are "sensitive". But they couldn;t bring themselves to step into the shoes of a different generation, 2 of whom went through heart wrenching period of disillusionment & grief.
As I am sometimes amazed by the purity in people;s hearts, I am sometimes taken aback by the lack of imagination & sensitivity that exists in so many of these so-called well-eductaed, well-brought up people.
The movie also brought back horrific memories of people I have known and the suffering they have gone through. Made me all the more determined to spend lesser time thinking of my convoluted life, and more trying to genuinely look after the people that I love. Hence, the call with Unni, which ended in me getting upset. Great!!
Everything quiet on the US front....not much of war rhetoric etc.....oh yes! how cld I forget..it branded Dawood Ibrahim an international terrorist. Cool - one good thing it did. If only the other actions were consistent.
Outlook's latest cover story is what I have been dreaming of for years "Why Indians hate their politicians". Finally!! A reliable survey puts politicians just above pimps. But what I am feeling gleeful about? As if these bastards don't know what the people think of them. They do. It doesn't matter. Why are only the wrong people assassinated??? But then, who am I to decide who the "right" people are? Maybe the right people don't always do the right things. This ties in with my earlier theory of good people creating evil around them. I think the ways things evolve is just ok. Lot of things wrong, of course, but things are taking their own path, bringing times with them that bring their own dimensions of good n evil. Case in point: the IT boom. All magazines keep writing abt the "new life", the high flying professionals, the dominance of Indians etc etc - who;s going to write about the toil behind this life, the slave mentality that we refuse to let go of, the "factories" where men are machines.....? Outlook - I call to you!!
On that rambling call, let me end what was a satisfying blog. Of course, by now I am sleepy n tired, and have a huge bunch of documents to go through for tomorrow morning;s meeting.
Yippee.
I feel like stamping my feet and crying loudly...!! There's so bloody much to think, think, think, worry, worry, work out, work out, plan,plan.......ALL the time......projects, people, workplans, PPTs, unread mails, un-returned phone calls, updates, timings, cold, cough, dolly, mummy, plan, finances, abn amro, shares, laundry, bookcase, sarees, shopping, relatives, friends, relationships.....in short, mental n physical exhaustion.
And at the end, do I have a smug satisfied look on my face? No, I dont...the harried, circle under the eyes, totally confidence unispiring look continues. I look like a weak idiot. And my performance review barely a month away.
Just spoke to Unni....his father's not well, he;s running around docs n clinics, he;s got a job opportunity at Oracle which he;s not sure abt pursuing because of most convoluted, contradictory, unconvincing reasons. So, whats new.
I can't make it to chennai/pondicherry this weekend. Hell - its better if I just stay in Del. There when I miss him, I can at least console myself with the 3000km distance between us. Now, 300km away, its frustrating - so near, yet still so far. He's a self desructive fool. And I hv become like him. My time in Chennai was so painful because of this itself - the experience of being so close to the person who could take me to the highest heights, yet the actual reality of being at the lowest point most of the time. And, once in a while, I wld ask him - what are we doing??? We know each other, care for each other, understand each other, and are nearby each other. Yet both of us wrapped up in our own miseries, not reaching out to the other.
After eons, went for a play yesterday, or rather a series of one-act plays. Rather an amateurish production (though you wldnt have thought it looking at the prices!), 2 of the plays were really good, 2 were all right, and 2 were bad.
The good ones :
"The Rut" by some Russian playwright.
An old couple sitting in the dark, conversing. They are sitting in the dark because the husband forgot to bring candles. And so begins the acidic conversation that brims with biting witticims, delivered with perfect timing by two seasoned actors. They had to hold up the act twice because of the applause n laughter that followed every second line!
"The Philadelphia" by.....god knows! (my memory remains as good as ever!)
While the Rut played upon words, the strength of this one came from its characters - a flirtatious, good natured charlie who loves giving advice; a bored, pretty, hardened waitress; and an earnest buffoon who is in "the philadelphia", a state of life where you get exactly the opposite of what you ask for. Extremely enjoyable because of effective casting....in fact, I mean to trace the mail id of the main actor and send him my compliments. Sigh! another "to do" for my list!
The bad ones were basically sophisticated topics, marred by the lack of depth in collegians.
Which brings me to Baghban - a typical "family" movie, about an old couple and their children etc etc etc. Yes, it was overdone; yes, it was a little exagerrated. But the core was true. And that core of strong, pure emotion was brought out by the excellent performances of the 2 lead actors. My companions, on the other hand, couldn't stop screaming "yuck" most of the time. They are the same 2 women who love picking up stray puppies in sympathy, who can't stop their tears when their boyfriends say a harsh word to them, claiming that they are "sensitive". But they couldn;t bring themselves to step into the shoes of a different generation, 2 of whom went through heart wrenching period of disillusionment & grief.
As I am sometimes amazed by the purity in people;s hearts, I am sometimes taken aback by the lack of imagination & sensitivity that exists in so many of these so-called well-eductaed, well-brought up people.
The movie also brought back horrific memories of people I have known and the suffering they have gone through. Made me all the more determined to spend lesser time thinking of my convoluted life, and more trying to genuinely look after the people that I love. Hence, the call with Unni, which ended in me getting upset. Great!!
Everything quiet on the US front....not much of war rhetoric etc.....oh yes! how cld I forget..it branded Dawood Ibrahim an international terrorist. Cool - one good thing it did. If only the other actions were consistent.
Outlook's latest cover story is what I have been dreaming of for years "Why Indians hate their politicians". Finally!! A reliable survey puts politicians just above pimps. But what I am feeling gleeful about? As if these bastards don't know what the people think of them. They do. It doesn't matter. Why are only the wrong people assassinated??? But then, who am I to decide who the "right" people are? Maybe the right people don't always do the right things. This ties in with my earlier theory of good people creating evil around them. I think the ways things evolve is just ok. Lot of things wrong, of course, but things are taking their own path, bringing times with them that bring their own dimensions of good n evil. Case in point: the IT boom. All magazines keep writing abt the "new life", the high flying professionals, the dominance of Indians etc etc - who;s going to write about the toil behind this life, the slave mentality that we refuse to let go of, the "factories" where men are machines.....? Outlook - I call to you!!
On that rambling call, let me end what was a satisfying blog. Of course, by now I am sleepy n tired, and have a huge bunch of documents to go through for tomorrow morning;s meeting.
Yippee.
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