The re occurence of the old nightmare has against infused a tension into me that will not go away easily. As usual, it is not the event itself but the sense of helplessness and the lack of solution that causes the tension.
I know I have said this before and I will probably say this a thousand times till I die, but there's nothing more painful to me than the suffering of loved ones. This reminds of something that I read yesterday - it is the strong who suffer the most. To my shock, I realise this is one of the truest statements I have ever come across in all senses.
I dont know if its my disgusting (hallucinatory) positivity or the reality that life is beautiful (!), but I continue to be glad about the fact that for all these tensions, I have ways and means of dealing with it as well, whether it be my own common sense or the affection of loved ones.
That still doesnt take away the gut wrenching pain I feel when I know a loved one has slept with a disturbed mind....or is spending the day in a haze of suffering....and I stand by the side.
How am I going get out of this cycle and whether its in me to even try to do this, I dont know. For now, I live with it.
In the middle of this chaotic, muddy world, I create a small space where I hope inspite of everything....basically, i blabber on all and sundry and hope that somewhere i contribute something. To myself, at least.
Tuesday, December 26, 2006
Thursday, December 21, 2006
Painful ironies
There was so much wrong. And yet my mind just ignored it and focused on my attention on what could be right. Made me look beyond the surface, beyond the conventionalities of judgment, on the possibilities, the potential. In a way, I surrendered my will to a deeper, wiser instinct that guided me to where I am today.
Today, there is so much right. And yet my mind refuses to rest easy and keeps visiting the areas that could be wrong. Bitter irony it might be, it is also irritating and destructive. I strongly believe in self fulfilling prophecies and I DON’T want this one to be like that. As I keep saying, I can fight against the whole world but cant fight inwards.
But I don’t know what to do – the “could be wrong” areas are based on a maze of assumptions, possibly over-intellectualized thought, imagination, over reactive tendencies….or could be based on rational thought disguised as instinct, patterns that are below the surface and my understanding of people.
The thing is – I don’t know. And the best thing to do about such situations is to leave them alone. Yet those nagging fears and apprehensions don’t listen to such logic. They gnaw at me, snipe at me and at best, circle me warily if I react strongly.
Today, there is so much right. And yet my mind refuses to rest easy and keeps visiting the areas that could be wrong. Bitter irony it might be, it is also irritating and destructive. I strongly believe in self fulfilling prophecies and I DON’T want this one to be like that. As I keep saying, I can fight against the whole world but cant fight inwards.
But I don’t know what to do – the “could be wrong” areas are based on a maze of assumptions, possibly over-intellectualized thought, imagination, over reactive tendencies….or could be based on rational thought disguised as instinct, patterns that are below the surface and my understanding of people.
The thing is – I don’t know. And the best thing to do about such situations is to leave them alone. Yet those nagging fears and apprehensions don’t listen to such logic. They gnaw at me, snipe at me and at best, circle me warily if I react strongly.
Sunday, December 17, 2006
Looking inwards to predict
One doesn't write just to record, right? I write because it helps me articulate and define my internal thoughts and emotions, clarify ambiguity (as far as possible) with the final outcome of understanding what's happening to/around me and then figuring out the map - internal and external - for the future. My blog especially plays the role of a navigator through my life.
And the reason I am saying all of this is to get to the bottom of why I have not blogged recently. Even though I seem to be perpetually racing against time, I have always found the space to capture those reams of thought and emotion at signifcant times of my life. And the past one month certainly comes in that category.
Transition out from current role, Unni's wedding, DB.....all these have translated into a surprisingly complex mix of emotions...complex because at a time, i was operating at multiple levels, often trying to reconcile "good" and "bad" at the same time. Not that that's something new for me, but it usually is blog worthy as well.
Yet I have sensed an internal resistance to capturing it in words. Maybe its just laziness or exhaustion, but I thnk it's probably my sense of the pointlessness of doing so - after all, none of what i am feeling or going through right now will have a bearing on what I will feel or go through tomorrow. Its a very very unusual situation to be in, but probably for the first time in my life, I am more interested in looking ahead than looking back.
More on that front in my "end of 2006-beginning of 2007" post.
And the reason I am saying all of this is to get to the bottom of why I have not blogged recently. Even though I seem to be perpetually racing against time, I have always found the space to capture those reams of thought and emotion at signifcant times of my life. And the past one month certainly comes in that category.
Transition out from current role, Unni's wedding, DB.....all these have translated into a surprisingly complex mix of emotions...complex because at a time, i was operating at multiple levels, often trying to reconcile "good" and "bad" at the same time. Not that that's something new for me, but it usually is blog worthy as well.
Yet I have sensed an internal resistance to capturing it in words. Maybe its just laziness or exhaustion, but I thnk it's probably my sense of the pointlessness of doing so - after all, none of what i am feeling or going through right now will have a bearing on what I will feel or go through tomorrow. Its a very very unusual situation to be in, but probably for the first time in my life, I am more interested in looking ahead than looking back.
More on that front in my "end of 2006-beginning of 2007" post.
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