Do we really know what we want? Or rather, do we have the courage to accept what we want? Even the ones who confidently demand what they want, do they just project the confidence or do they feel it? Or is the show of confidence because of the lack of it?
Is what we want a reflection of our desire? Or is it a reflection of what we want to be? And is that why is we never seem to get what we want? Because our wants and desires diverge? And man, being the rational animal he is, is secretly rooting for his desires?
In the middle of this chaotic, muddy world, I create a small space where I hope inspite of everything....basically, i blabber on all and sundry and hope that somewhere i contribute something. To myself, at least.
Tuesday, February 28, 2006
Monday, February 20, 2006
Look behind, look ahead
I remember commenting to someone recently that I spend most of my time either looking behind or looking ahead. Even the demons that haunt us are relics of the past or fears into the future.
On my weekend trip to Chennai (side note - one of the most "fun" weekends I have had), I was again struck by an idea when going through Dakshin Chitra. And then struck by another thought - I am struck by an idea practically every second day nowdays! Is my subconscious trying to send me a message here??!! Well, it is true that I am getting tired of this kind of environment...I still love my work, but this large building-modular furniture-crisp language-excel sheet-power point life is getting to me. Have been tossing around ideas in my head for quite some time, but the thought of translating them into action is coming into serious play now. But that requires a lot of work - planning and prep for the idea itself combined with building financial security (which as of now is ZERO). More importantly, it demands a slight recklessness of the spirit and a push out of the current state of inertia. I think thats going to come soon (it has to come, it cant be "developed" much as my HR mind would like to believe so..)
Today I came across an old diary that I occasionally maintained. Despite knowing the consequences, I couldn't resist re-reading the sprawling scrawl that marked my transition to adulthood. There was anguish over the pain of loved ones, and a humorous look at my own; a need to dissect relationships and the desire to ignore practical worries; flights of fancy followed by ground reality checks; consistent obsession with people and the true nature of emotions and a disregard for the fashionable conversation points of the day.
I went through the expected routine of ripping up old wounds and examining reality as I understood it then and now. And I arrived at the cliche that always supports me in ambiguous times - the more things change, the more they remain the same.
On my weekend trip to Chennai (side note - one of the most "fun" weekends I have had), I was again struck by an idea when going through Dakshin Chitra. And then struck by another thought - I am struck by an idea practically every second day nowdays! Is my subconscious trying to send me a message here??!! Well, it is true that I am getting tired of this kind of environment...I still love my work, but this large building-modular furniture-crisp language-excel sheet-power point life is getting to me. Have been tossing around ideas in my head for quite some time, but the thought of translating them into action is coming into serious play now. But that requires a lot of work - planning and prep for the idea itself combined with building financial security (which as of now is ZERO). More importantly, it demands a slight recklessness of the spirit and a push out of the current state of inertia. I think thats going to come soon (it has to come, it cant be "developed" much as my HR mind would like to believe so..)
Today I came across an old diary that I occasionally maintained. Despite knowing the consequences, I couldn't resist re-reading the sprawling scrawl that marked my transition to adulthood. There was anguish over the pain of loved ones, and a humorous look at my own; a need to dissect relationships and the desire to ignore practical worries; flights of fancy followed by ground reality checks; consistent obsession with people and the true nature of emotions and a disregard for the fashionable conversation points of the day.
I went through the expected routine of ripping up old wounds and examining reality as I understood it then and now. And I arrived at the cliche that always supports me in ambiguous times - the more things change, the more they remain the same.
Saturday, February 11, 2006
Recoveries and Relapses
For all my resolve to maintain an even equilibrium and focus this year, I have been doing a pretty decent imitation of an emotional yo yo for the past month or so.
Considering that I do not have the time or the inclination for self indulgence to describe the preceding weeks in detail, I will let my office-like "summary" instincts take over...
> A spate of bad news from people I am close to rocked the hell out of me...ranging from divorce (after a month of marriage...), to death/illness of loved ones, to accidents, to losing one's job. I will resist the temptation to invoke Kafka but a nightmarish scenario it certainly was, not without its share of black humor as I caricaturised myself in the hapless avatar of a jinx who turns to dust all the lives he touches.
> Continuing the breathless pace was my Delhi trip which turned out to be one long shopping-dining-drinking-driving trip. Naturally that translated into a significant dent (or one can call use the term cleaning out) in my wallet but at the end of the day, it was worth it (as spending money usually is). I am glad I was able to provide the kids with a genuinely good time, the first they had had after September...also glad I was able to spend some time with Shk n Shal beyond the standard 2 hrs assigned for a lunch/dinner. With Shal esp, I think our relationship moved a little forward after having been in a cold freeze for years. Regretted are the less than adequate time spent with Nan, and the inability to meet up with Dom...I wonder why he withdrew to such a great extent.
> Also keeping me on my toes have been the "online friends" I have accumulated. Status check:
* Vik - met, not-so-great chemistry, settled into occasional chatting, combo of fun n serious
* Kit - met, had already become good friend so no hiccups, settled into regular conversations, growing
* A - constant sms touch (approx. 1500 sms over a week I think), good chemistry so far, highly unpredictable future esp considering age diff
* Amit (Sun) - met, decent meeting yet something was not right, a conflict of my charitable instincts and harsher moral fabric. Should not and will not move fwd unless something drastic happens (connected is also my changing thoughts on M in relation to this....)
* Lord - THE most intriguing of the lot and the most slippery to catch (one is probably a function of the other) and hence here the future is totally out of my hands. This lack of control is a pleasant change and irritating at the same time.
What I have realised is that this has been a good experiment and provided me with yet another facet of relationships that I hadnt explored (for example, the fact that all of the above are gay is an interesting comment by itself). However, the reason I have met 3 of the five and want to meet the other two as well is because I have realised something important about myself - I am not as laissez faire and compartmentalized about relationships as I had thought I had become. Online relationships can never be an end by themselves for me.
So this is me. From 15 Jan to 12 Feb. Summarised neatly, packaged, trimmed, edited and presented. The recoveries and relapses can be read in the fine print.
Considering that I do not have the time or the inclination for self indulgence to describe the preceding weeks in detail, I will let my office-like "summary" instincts take over...
> A spate of bad news from people I am close to rocked the hell out of me...ranging from divorce (after a month of marriage...), to death/illness of loved ones, to accidents, to losing one's job. I will resist the temptation to invoke Kafka but a nightmarish scenario it certainly was, not without its share of black humor as I caricaturised myself in the hapless avatar of a jinx who turns to dust all the lives he touches.
> Continuing the breathless pace was my Delhi trip which turned out to be one long shopping-dining-drinking-driving trip. Naturally that translated into a significant dent (or one can call use the term cleaning out) in my wallet but at the end of the day, it was worth it (as spending money usually is). I am glad I was able to provide the kids with a genuinely good time, the first they had had after September...also glad I was able to spend some time with Shk n Shal beyond the standard 2 hrs assigned for a lunch/dinner. With Shal esp, I think our relationship moved a little forward after having been in a cold freeze for years. Regretted are the less than adequate time spent with Nan, and the inability to meet up with Dom...I wonder why he withdrew to such a great extent.
> Also keeping me on my toes have been the "online friends" I have accumulated. Status check:
* Vik - met, not-so-great chemistry, settled into occasional chatting, combo of fun n serious
* Kit - met, had already become good friend so no hiccups, settled into regular conversations, growing
* A - constant sms touch (approx. 1500 sms over a week I think), good chemistry so far, highly unpredictable future esp considering age diff
* Amit (Sun) - met, decent meeting yet something was not right, a conflict of my charitable instincts and harsher moral fabric. Should not and will not move fwd unless something drastic happens (connected is also my changing thoughts on M in relation to this....)
* Lord - THE most intriguing of the lot and the most slippery to catch (one is probably a function of the other) and hence here the future is totally out of my hands. This lack of control is a pleasant change and irritating at the same time.
What I have realised is that this has been a good experiment and provided me with yet another facet of relationships that I hadnt explored (for example, the fact that all of the above are gay is an interesting comment by itself). However, the reason I have met 3 of the five and want to meet the other two as well is because I have realised something important about myself - I am not as laissez faire and compartmentalized about relationships as I had thought I had become. Online relationships can never be an end by themselves for me.
So this is me. From 15 Jan to 12 Feb. Summarised neatly, packaged, trimmed, edited and presented. The recoveries and relapses can be read in the fine print.
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