24th Jan, 15th March, 3rd May - well timed punches to my stomach, taking the wind out of me, leaving me gasping for breath, reaching out for support that didnt exist, asking myself how I ended up here...all the cliches of a lovelorn idiot.
The reaction detailed above aside, I am not really sure how I feel about all this. As usual, there's no clear overriding emotion. Some anger (but why?? Its not as if its a secret)...some sadness (but why? wasnt it expected?)...some frustration (but why? u r gonna get it anyway)...some feeling-foolish (but why? yr stupid ego is hurt?)...some fear (but why? u heard what he said, didnt u?)...some sense of loss....
Ya, this sense of loss. I think (though I am not sure) everything else I have been feeling is just an addendum to this core. If I hadnt been feeling this sense of loss, I would probably have been able to handle the rest. But this sense of change, of having lost something that I had allowed to become so integral to me - the companionship and communication, of witnessing a dramatic change in behavior - this is what has killed me.
But the worse I get within, the less I will allow it to show. The least I can maintain somehow is my dignity.
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