I do what I think is right, what comes naturally to me. I act and I react impulsively, and I pretty much am myself most of the time. I rarely think about cost/benefit analysis on a day to day basis and I never hold others accountable for what I am doing or what I am responsible for. I express my likes/dislikes, pleasure/irritation points openly and usually let the flow of my thoughts and emotions be governed by the flow of the relationship and the other’s behavior. A lot of times I am told “you do a lot for me/him/her”. I don’t know…I just do what I feel like doing and I am usually willing to lay down my life for the people I love.
All this implies trust. And one trusts on the assumption that that trust wont be abused or broken. What really really gets my goat (as in, gets me genuinely angry as opposed to merely irritated) is when people push the limits on this front – taking my reactions for granted (for example, creating issues that they know are important enough to affect me but small enough for me not to act churlish); manipulating my activities to suit their convenience; physically or mentally exacting a lot from me when they know I cant afford that; making me compromise on what I believe/want, all the while knowing that if I refuse to compromise, I will be forced to make choices which they know I wont.
What they DON’T understand is that even if I am allowing this trust to be abused, my mind may forget but my heart wont. Cracks within always develop into cracks outside sooner or later, and you may think that “I will make up for it tomorrow” but honey, tomorrow cant mend the past, it can only soothe. Another thing – somewhere I would lose that respect for you, and a bit of respect for myself as well; and respect is very very very important to me, the day I feel a sense of loss on that front, I will end any relationship, no matter what the cost.
Naturally, my boiling points are different for different people. And so are my final reactions (for example, with U once, I reached that point after a LOT and even then, I just changed my tactic, I didn’t give up). But it would heed to remember that are LIMITS.
For the past few days, I have been thinking of that. Because a LOT of people, at work and outside, have been behaving this way. Unfortunately most of these people are those who have entered my life recently (i.e. in the past 1-1.5 yrs), making me question my judgment of people.
And the people I am closest to – Mum, U, D, L – continue to be the ones who set the benchmark for being impeccable guardians of my trust.
That’s what keeps me sane. The thought of these wonderful people – whose souls I love, whose characters I respect, whose lives bring me positive – keep the increasing cynicism at bay, the cynicism at the numerous people I find around me who are cheating, lying, manipulating, confusing, avoiding……yes I know this is unnecessarily dramatic, but SERIOUSLY. There is just TOO much negativity!!!! And its making me pissed because I DON’T want to be negative. I DON’T want to think twice before acting. I DON’T want to indulge in psychological warfare. I DON’T want to be careful about what I express. I DON’T want to think about give/take in relationships. I DON’T want to go in with the basic assumption that everyone is out to screw me.
But its becoming an increasingly difficult battle to fight.
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