Betu

He grew up in front of me. Played "sabzi le lo". Teased me relentlessly, laughing at his own silliness and my over dramatized reactions. Sometimes I coached him, sometimes I reprimanded him, other times I clutched my head in frustration. I held him in my arms as we both wailed with grief, I made an internal promise that from this day I am responsible for him.

And today he's cocooned in pain. Limited by average intelligence, handicapped by emotional baggage, he's being driven further to insanity by the sheer cruelty of his own mother. We can just support him from afar, assure him of love, clarify his demons, ensure financial smoothness, push him to do better....but at the end of the day, he has to live there, live his own life, and manage to survive.

I wont spend time on how I feel. Terrible, is the best word.

But....what right do I have to expect anything from the DBs of the world, who havent even made a commitment, when I myself have not been able to live up to one of the strongest emotional commitments I have made in my life? I have enough common sense to realise the constraints, but even with those, Mummy, Dolly have been doing more than I am. I have always believed that one reaps as one sows. And its usually been true of my life. I may not have consciously given pain or changed, but I HAVE been negligent of people I truly love and am also sort of responsible for (not that I believe anyone is really responsible for anyone, but still...) and I guess I am just paying for that.

But can I ensure the reverse? Nope. Flaw in my "logic" as usual.