I have just finished watching The Squid and the Whale. Though I liked it, I am not sure why it’s been so acclaimed. I am sitting in a heated room under a green blanket with a blank white wall in front of me – the sheer lack of taste, good or bad, is itself depressing. The temperature outside is somewhere in the range of 1 to 5, and that cheers me. Its twelve on the night of the first of January 2007, and for some unfathomable reason I have been avoiding writing about it.
Is it the past?
2006 has had its fair share of ups and downs, but the one thing I am glad about is that, for the first time, I took not one but two leaps of faith and didn’t falter. The year had started with me getting settled into a role that was a significant distance from my responsibilities earlier. I was nervous, tense and yet, thanks to the kind of support being given to me, strangely confident as well. I didn’t think too much about it and just threw myself into work, waking up a few months later to realize that I had passed the litmus test somewhere on the way. I fought another battle with my insecure, cynical self in the second half of the year, when, out of the blue, I was faced with a prospect I had believed pretty much impossible till then. Once again I responded to someone else’s faith and took that leap, consciously avoided thinking about what I was doing and before I knew it, I was in the most wondrous experience of my life.
So why have I been avoiding writing?
Is it the present?
The ‘new year’ is always significant for me because my two most important objectives are to be at peace with myself (so I can think and feel clearly) and have a pleasant Day1 (that sets the tone for the year).
The turn of the year from 2006 to 2007 will symbolize many things for me – love, pain, thought, winter, fog, cold, food, love, activity, laughter, beauty, winter, food, walks, drives, pain.
The experience of being in Simla (and now Narkanda) with the people I am closest to has been great. The biting cold, the constant hunger, the silly laughter, the quiet companionship, the exhausting drives, the beautiful mountains…all have been equally welcome and equally enriching.
So why have I been avoiding writing?
Because of the future?
Well…there are no doubt some tensions. I continue to be worried about Mum’s health (and for that matter my own). My finances are yet to get in order and its high time they did, so that’s something I somehow need to achieve. But there’s a lot positive as well – including the upcoming event in the family and DB. So the overall balance is not too bad (though that too is marred by the anger of distant locations)
I finally arrive at the inevitable - the basic reason for avoidance is what has traditionally been the reason for avoiding anything – fear.
Never before in my life has the future looked so grey, so uncertain, so ambiguous and so marred with conflict. I have no clue what’s going to happen at work – which location or locations will I be in, what role or roles will I do, what my career path is going to be. I have no clue how my family role will pan out – how will mum’s health shape up, what will D & A’s plans work out, what locations we all will be in. I have no clue where I am going with DB or will this stand the test of time and conflicting priorities. And these three priorities….no, let me call them something else….these three parts of my soul may end up conflicting with each other. That’s something I have faced earlier too in my life but have worked hard (very hard) to ensure none suffered. For the first time, I sense a loss of control, a sense of being swept with tides that may dash me against the rocks and break my soul into three distinct parts, thus effectively killing it.
That is what I am scared of. Fundamentally, feverishly scared of.
In the meanwhile, I shall enjoy the balance 3 days of my holiday and start working out the broad “resolutions” for the coming year.
Que sera sera.
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