24th Jan will always be counted as the “sms” day for me. An sms that brought be right back to the basic – How far am I willing to go to save what I cherish? And to what extent will I compromise on my beliefs to do so? Do all such decisions ultimately come down to a cost benefit analysis? How far can I compartmentalize my life? And can I believe that someone else can compartmentalize me to the extent that I am always safe, no matter what happens in the other “compartments”? Can I really view a potentially explosive emotional situation (for me) with a detached eye and take a decision by brain, not heart? When confronted with a conflict between my instincts and my brain, who will I listen to, in a crunch? And, despite my outwardly calm demeanor, a crunch it is.
Yesterday was probably one of the most exhausting days of my life. I was fire fighting and coordinating from 8 in the morning onwards (after having closed the ppt at 2 am and slept at 3 am). I was talking, listening through the day. I was planning minutes/hours in advance. I hardly ate anything normal, mainly survived on cookies and muffins and coffee. I finally ended the day at 11:30 and slept under the influence of a few drinks. All this while, I was thinking….about the changes soon to come, about the possibility of a reunion in the coming week, about the plans that I need to make…..and then, from 4 pm onwards, of all of the questions/thoughts listed above….my brain was whizzing with thoughts I didn’t have time to structure, my heart was wrenched with emotions I didn’t have time classify, and all this while I was this smiling, efficient machine that ensured that the day was smooth and productive for the people I was taking care of.
Today, I will find the silence I need to absorb all of yesterday’s produce. And then I will respond. Yes, respond. Not react.
No comments:
Post a Comment