Budday

I am struggling to keep awake as I write this. I am not even sure why I am writing this, considering that I have no concrete or comprehensive thoughts or feelings to record. Or maybe that's why I am here...trying to peer through the blur that has surrounded this day and make firmer shapes of the softer thoughts and memories that have clouded my mind.....what did I do today?

I felt the same sadness that has become a part of me for the past year or so. Despite control, despite catharsis, it continues to be alive, sending out painful feelers every few moments/days in the most unexpected times. Like today.

I got irritated at myself for getting irritated with things in people that I knew would irritate me but I had thought I had steeled myself against in advance. (Yes, that sentence does make sense to me)

I just dissolved into tears everytime someone said or did something sweet. A had "happy birthday sudeep" on all his chat ids...LC spoke to me about how she has seen me grow and evolve...D handed me a jacket and apologised for the time 2 years when he had tried to find me a suede jacket in China (which I had been looking for)but couldn't...Unni called twice, trying to create touch where none had existed for months...Mum sent a card that had the simplest, nicest words on it...

I vaguely felt that I should look at my resolutions for the year and figure out where I stand...and then I realised that that may not be such a good picture, so may as well let it be...but the seed had been planted and I thought about it and thought a little more...

I wore a bright pink shirt with striped grey trousers and a crisp smile that got me compliments of a nature I am certainly not used to.

I answered a lot more calls today than I remember doing last year (The day started with a conversation with Ank, ended with Sej. What a contrast!). So I guess the resolution of having lesser people in my life has not really worked out. However, I did restrain on going out. Last year I had met 6 different people. Today I went for a quiet dinner with D. Naturally the view for the next week doesn't look good.

So anyway, why am I making a big deal of this? It was a blurred day, it was a blurred day. BFD.

But. I dont like blurs. Unfortunate experience tells me blurs are usually our way of cutting out pain or avoiding decisive reality. Since there is no reason why I should feeling too much pain, I can only imagine the latter objective. In that case, I am determined to pierce out the exact thoughts that are lurking in this fog and face whatever I have to face, even if it is the harshest of realities. Bloody hell, my mind is trying to play games with me...doesn't it know what I made of!!!!