A few weeks ago I was going through some archives in this blog and realized that a significant change, amongst others, was the increasing frequency of posts around specific themes as opposed to generic updates when I started blogging! I guess its something to do with the fact that I refined my writing to a point where I wrote only when I felt I had something really substantial to share with myself.
Anyway, today I just want to take a quick snapshot of my life, especially this month!
More than anything else, its been mentally exhausting (there I go with my theme again!). But seriously, this month I have been thinking on all fronts possible!
Despite claiming to be completely switched off at work, I am still affected by the issues here, whether it be my business or my team. After all, I have been associated with both for so long and its certainly not possible to just detach myself and move on. Hence, concentrated thought has gone into team’s individual issues and points around coaching, development, promotions, transition and so on. More than thought, heartburn actually! At the fact that potential has still not been realized and long term growth is still not being taken into account. Mixed with the heartburn is some degree of guilt, because after all I am the supervisor and hence responsible. Maybe I haven’t done enough?? More thought, more introspection.
Similarly issues in the business continue to affect me – attrition, leadership, new initiatives, blah blah blah. This is not just thought but extensive meetings/discussions around these areas where I have been forced to think and articulate and in some cases, commit. More than the team, it is this area that has also caused some degree of emotional exhaustion because this is my baby that is being discussed and planned for. Its part of me.
Which is why the ongoing transition is critical to me – to ensure there are no slippages, no discontinuities and maybe, somewhere, I leave a legacy that’s remembered. Sigh.
Speaking of parts, there’s a new part of me which has surfaced which I never knew existed, a very demonstrative part. Forget about others who have known me for a long time, even I get slightly freaked out when I think about it or observe it from a distance. But then, why should I think or observe? When I am “in” it, I am perfectly comfortable and feel perfectly natural. Which is why I don’t say I have changed, its just that a part has come out with a catalyst called DB. Dealing with it, of course, has taken time, and yes, that’s part of the mental exhaustion thingy.
This also seems to be the time of the year for practically everyone to face upheavals/changes in their lives – Dolly, Sau, Ven, Nik, Rku, Ank, Arj, Mum, U, Dar – the past 3 weeks have had in depth conversations with ALL of them! And I constantly feel guilty about the ones who I know are going through a lot but haven’t reached out to me and so have not got attention – Shal, Shk, Betu. In addition, I am not practicing what I preach – that just because someone hasn’t got issues doesn’t mean they get neglected – Hin, Jas, L, Shw etc etc etc. All these above thoughts have been occupying a significant amount of mindspace.
Not that I have completely recovered from the emotional rigors of the previous few weeks - job, K, Mum etc etc. Every now and then, there's the sudden knot in stomach, a rush of recent memory drawing me into momentary pain and confusion.
Plans for the future – next 1 month, next 3 months, and next 1 year – are another focus area (yuck yuck yuck, I am fed up of my language!). First, Dec – trips to Bbay, Kerala, Hyd and Delhi – all in a space of 1 month!!!!!!!!!! Then the onsite thing –how, when and for how long….god knows. Then the next year – I need to make some decisions here, am just thinking the ratio of heart/mind that I should use. Or maybe I should use my basic principle – using the heart as a decision making tool is ultimately using the mind!!!
Thankfully, all this “thinking” - past, present and future - has ensured that I haven’t “felt” too much, especially the feelings of the negative variety!
Considering that the thinking is soon going to be accompanied by hectic physical activity as well, I hope that the emotional roller coaster is stable enough and doesn’t start moving too fast!!!!! Else I am surely headed for a breakdown.
Which will bring me back to one of the recurring themes of this blog! Ha! Ha! Ha!
But yes, in the middle of this constant "exhaustion", there's peace.
The morning sms and the night chat, the sense of peace and love.
The tea, the laughter, the bitching, the comfort.
The online chat with Mum, the connect, the familiarity, the depth.
The drive home, the clarity, the space, the music.
Its these crucial moments that make my day.
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