where do i go?

The incident on Monday with Ven n Nav shook me up completely. I can argue with myself that I am over reacting to a relatively not-so-big ussue or that it wasnt unexpected knowing the history, but the point is not about the incident or about them.

The point is, quite simply, about me. My focus on relationships, my emphasis on trust, my reliance on people, my role in others' lives.

And they are not isolated incidents or feelings - the anger at the unexpected betrayal, the stress due to incompetent professionals at work, the pain at seeing Mum off and knowing she's not with me for another few months. They are all part of the same story within one week, giving rise to questions that force me out of my comfort (blind?) zone every few months or so. Most of these questions are repeated and I have recorded several of them in various notes/tapes/posts over the past decade.

Why does my locus of control continue to be heavily external, despite me being my own best friend? Have I really come a long way from where I was a few years ago or have I just convinced myself I have? How much is the gap between what I feel and what I think I feel and what I want others to think I feel and what I show I feel? For how many people am I a "compartment", a part of the convenient slotting that I find so abhorrent? What's more me - to retreat when in pain or to confront?

Mum believes that I dont share myself with anyone, but I just want to cry and ask - what do I share when I have nothing to give? why should I share when I know there's pain at the end of the road? how should I share when I cant even trust? who should i share with, knowing that hardly anyone really cares or understands?

I sit in the early morning chill and express these questions and thoughts that revolve in my head, knowing that there are no answers, at least not definitive ones. Knowing that I will soon be immersed in a maelstrom of activity at work and outside. Knowing that the sharpness of this internal typhoon will get dulled with the bombardment of action. Knowing that a few days later, I will be in the flow again, and will maybe come back to this post to figure out what exactly it was that was killing me a week ago.

Until next time.