Switched on

I was tired, really really tired. Of what, I am not too sure. I was working long hours, sure, but had worked much harder for much longer earlier. No catastrophic events had shaken up my life recently, neither had any of the relationships become too complex. Nevertheless, I was exhausted - mentally, emotionally, physically. Instead of trying to arrive at root causes, I decided to take some time off. And this time actually translated the decision into action, at the cost of getting into the wrong books of the right people at the wrong time, i.e. the HR offsite.

Not only did I take time off, but I switched off as well, just vegetating for two days in a row, avoiding any form of art/conversation that made me think or feel...reading chick lits, watching QAF, indulging in mindless banter. The following weekend was nothing earth shattering either. People interactions ranged from polite social (H, D) to mildly complex (K) to thoroughly pleasant (U, Sau)...activities were a safe mix of shopping, salon, movies. So I remained switched off, and didnt think. Not at all.

Didnt think of the strange connection that we have with loved ones..that till date Nan just starts feeling funny and calls me/Mum up when we are not well...the episodes with Mum and Ashu....me and Ban, Amit. This connection that seems to operate at a different level that rationality finds difficult to explain and yet is not so unbelievable either.

Didnt think of the unexpected places where relationships land up. They start with some constants - your own self; some variables - the events; some assumptions - the other's personality, what he/she can do, will do. And using all this you form some sort of chart for the future, and yet deviations take you to places that could be unexpected, and not always inviting. This is happening more and more with me recently (and is probably due to the less-thought-more-passive approach that Shk pointed out today) - the emotional land mine (Lord), the emotional stability card (Sau), the sense of failure (K), the big brother perspective (A)....its happening with "older" people too...the sense of security (U), the sense of distance (L) for example. Yes, all unexpected places, leaving me amused at myself for thinking I am smarter and trying to hit moving targets. Also leaving me a little wide eyed as I wonder about the mysterious routes charted despite our best intentions...maybe God is ensuring our health by ensuring we DONT get what we want?

Didnt think of the sudden blurs surrounding my life, the several loose ends that currently sway loosely in the wind, while I watch and think that I must hold them tight and yet my hand doesnt move. Life, roles, career...and the numerous small activities that must add up to these larger decisions...conversations with boss, sending CVs, closing certs issue, talking to colleges...all hanging. Maybe I need this time off to get my energy back to do such stuff.

Nope. Didnt think at all. Just switched off.