Yes, this feeling of "the body n soul re-awakening" described in my previous blog, continued. I know that for a fact because I have felt low/depressed/in turmoil several times over the past 2 weeks. Welcome back to the rollercoaster.
The weekend was great - a total orgy of eating and drinking. The momentum picked up slowly through Saturday - bowls of watermelon, mugs of beer. The evening, our quartet gathered at the latest watering hole (aptly titled Oblivion!) and made merry till the wee hours of the night, downing everything from rum to vodka to wine, dancing to everything from rock to bhangra to techno. Action moves to my place - long chats on everything under the sun (or moon!), a long drive on the highway, an early morning snack at the airport cafe and back to end when the oldies start coming out for their walks. 3 hours of sleep and I am up, reading the papers and sipping tea. The crowd awakens, a new addition to the orgy team. And we are off again - this time its a champagne brunch at the Leela Palace. 3 hours of gossip n laughter, 7 loaded plates of food - cheeses, salads, soup, rice n curry, desserts, accompanied by live music and pink champagne, spent in a lovely large room filled with a good crowd, looking out on landscaped gardens. Sleepy, happy, we congregated near the garden, lying quietly in the breeze, sipping coffee. The momentum was dying down. The evening was alone at home, with a good book, sipping tomato juice, feeling sick and happy.
And now its Monday and I am in office, clenching my fists as I read irritating mails or listen to nagging commands.
Sigh.
In the middle of this chaotic, muddy world, I create a small space where I hope inspite of everything....basically, i blabber on all and sundry and hope that somewhere i contribute something. To myself, at least.
Monday, March 22, 2004
Sunday, March 07, 2004
The old self peeped out
On Friday evening, at the end of a conversation (something which I haven't had for a long time), L told me "Wake up".
A little startled by this sharp, incisive, accurate comment of his, I spent the weekend observing how I had been sleeping.
Saturday was idyllic. Shopping with Venkat, then a long, leisurely lunch (Italian), then window shopping again....then dinner at Sameer's with the gang (and the crowd).
But then, the plan was to party through the night. And that didnt happen because Pooja wasnt well and Shweta said she was too tired. First disappointment, Venkat a little angry. Finally, the three of us just sat in the enclosed park under Sameer's apartment and had a gala time doing a post mortem of the party, plus sundry other topics! At the end of it, I felt like going for coffee, but no takers. Shweta sleepy n Venkat irritated.
But inspite of the overall good day, I reached home (at 2 am) feeling restless and vaguely unhappy. Didn't torture myself further that night, all under-the-surface thoughts n emotions were parked for the next day.
Sunday was a day of reflection. Had a lazy afternoon at Barrista. Read (and finished) "Ripley's Game". Lounged in the comfy chair, felt the wind, looked at the landscaped gardens & the waterfalls...and thought.
Sleep. "How" is one asleep and at the same time active??
By never remaining alone with one person for more than 2/3 hrs at a time. Because its difficult to keep up a charade after that time, its easier to lose a bit of control and let your self - your thoughts, your reactions - leak through the pancake.
By conditioning yourself not to depend/expect/demand. And if by any chance, you actually end up in a normal relationship, condition yourself not to show that you depend/expect/demand.
I slipped up on both on Saturday. I treated Venkat, Shweta like friends. And hence, the restlessness, the imminent hurt.
The theory (so to speak) was tested on Sunday evening, during an hour long conversation by Shekhar (our longest in 2/3 yrs, I think!). L's words ringing in my mind (wake up), I dispassionately dissected the conversation as it happened, comparing my responses and his impressions, with what I remembered 3/4 years ago. The drastic difference was not so suprising. As I have constantly noted in these blogs, the undercurrents of change have been swift, effective and not unnoticed.
But what was different now was that I was actually waking up. I actually wanted to scream, and explain and talk and cry. I didn't want to lie ; or pretend ; or present a controlled picture. I wanted to be myself.
Thankfully, I checked myself in time.
And today I am back. Back to being the self I have conditioned myself to be. With remembrances of the weekend when someone else peeked out.
Do I want to wake up?
Its scary.
A little startled by this sharp, incisive, accurate comment of his, I spent the weekend observing how I had been sleeping.
Saturday was idyllic. Shopping with Venkat, then a long, leisurely lunch (Italian), then window shopping again....then dinner at Sameer's with the gang (and the crowd).
But then, the plan was to party through the night. And that didnt happen because Pooja wasnt well and Shweta said she was too tired. First disappointment, Venkat a little angry. Finally, the three of us just sat in the enclosed park under Sameer's apartment and had a gala time doing a post mortem of the party, plus sundry other topics! At the end of it, I felt like going for coffee, but no takers. Shweta sleepy n Venkat irritated.
But inspite of the overall good day, I reached home (at 2 am) feeling restless and vaguely unhappy. Didn't torture myself further that night, all under-the-surface thoughts n emotions were parked for the next day.
Sunday was a day of reflection. Had a lazy afternoon at Barrista. Read (and finished) "Ripley's Game". Lounged in the comfy chair, felt the wind, looked at the landscaped gardens & the waterfalls...and thought.
Sleep. "How" is one asleep and at the same time active??
By never remaining alone with one person for more than 2/3 hrs at a time. Because its difficult to keep up a charade after that time, its easier to lose a bit of control and let your self - your thoughts, your reactions - leak through the pancake.
By conditioning yourself not to depend/expect/demand. And if by any chance, you actually end up in a normal relationship, condition yourself not to show that you depend/expect/demand.
I slipped up on both on Saturday. I treated Venkat, Shweta like friends. And hence, the restlessness, the imminent hurt.
The theory (so to speak) was tested on Sunday evening, during an hour long conversation by Shekhar (our longest in 2/3 yrs, I think!). L's words ringing in my mind (wake up), I dispassionately dissected the conversation as it happened, comparing my responses and his impressions, with what I remembered 3/4 years ago. The drastic difference was not so suprising. As I have constantly noted in these blogs, the undercurrents of change have been swift, effective and not unnoticed.
But what was different now was that I was actually waking up. I actually wanted to scream, and explain and talk and cry. I didn't want to lie ; or pretend ; or present a controlled picture. I wanted to be myself.
Thankfully, I checked myself in time.
And today I am back. Back to being the self I have conditioned myself to be. With remembrances of the weekend when someone else peeked out.
Do I want to wake up?
Its scary.
Thursday, March 04, 2004
Chewed up.
The wedding was a "milestone" sort of event, on which I would have a lot to say,think....record. No time.
At night, I say to the taxi driver "Induction" instead of my destination Indiranagar. This has happened thrice.
Yesterday, as I left the house in a zombie like state, I locked my flatmate in. Got called when I had reached office.
And today, I forgot Unni's birthday. More than anything else, this shook me.
My life has really got chewed up.
At night, I say to the taxi driver "Induction" instead of my destination Indiranagar. This has happened thrice.
Yesterday, as I left the house in a zombie like state, I locked my flatmate in. Got called when I had reached office.
And today, I forgot Unni's birthday. More than anything else, this shook me.
My life has really got chewed up.
Took a pysch test after ages!!!
Big 30 Test Results
Sociability ||||||||||||||| 46%
Aggressiveness |||||||||||||||||| 54%
Assertiveness ||||||||||||||||||||| 66%
Activity Level ||||||||||||||||||||| 66%
Excitement-Seeking ||||||||||||||| 50%
Enthusiasm ||||||||||||||||||||| 70%
Extroversion |||||||||||||||||| 58%
Trust ||||||||||||||| 50%
Morality |||||||||||||||||||||||| 74%
Altruism ||||||||||||||||||||| 70%
Cooperation ||||||||||||||||||||| 66%
Modesty ||||||||||||||| 50%
Sympathy |||||||||||||||||||||||||||| 86%
Friendliness ||||||||||||||||||||| 66%
Confidence ||||||||||||||||||||| 70%
Neatness |||||||||||||||||| 58%
Dutifulness |||||||||||||||||||||||| 74%
Achievement ||||||||||||||||||||| 70%
Self-Discipline |||||||||||||||||| 54%
Cautiousness |||||||||||| 38%
Orderliness |||||||||||||||||| 60%
Anxiety |||||||||||||||||| 58%
Volatility ||||||||||||||| 50%
Depression ||||||||||||||| 46%
Self-Consciousness ||||||||||||||||||||| 62%
Impulsiveness |||||||||||||||||||||||| 74%
Vulnerability ||||||||||||||| 50%
Emotional Stability ||||||||||||||| 44%
Imagination ||||||||||||||||||||| 70%
Artistic Interests |||||||||||||||||| 58%
Introspection |||||||||||||||||||||||| 78%
Adventurousness ||||||||||||||||||||| 70%
Intellect ||||||||||||||||||||| 66%
Liberalism ||||||||||||||| 50%
Openmindedness ||||||||||||||||||||| 65%
Accuracy: - 5 high 4 3 2 1 low
Big 30 Key
Sociability ||||||||||||||| 46%
Aggressiveness |||||||||||||||||| 54%
Assertiveness ||||||||||||||||||||| 66%
Activity Level ||||||||||||||||||||| 66%
Excitement-Seeking ||||||||||||||| 50%
Enthusiasm ||||||||||||||||||||| 70%
Extroversion |||||||||||||||||| 58%
Trust ||||||||||||||| 50%
Morality |||||||||||||||||||||||| 74%
Altruism ||||||||||||||||||||| 70%
Cooperation ||||||||||||||||||||| 66%
Modesty ||||||||||||||| 50%
Sympathy |||||||||||||||||||||||||||| 86%
Friendliness ||||||||||||||||||||| 66%
Confidence ||||||||||||||||||||| 70%
Neatness |||||||||||||||||| 58%
Dutifulness |||||||||||||||||||||||| 74%
Achievement ||||||||||||||||||||| 70%
Self-Discipline |||||||||||||||||| 54%
Cautiousness |||||||||||| 38%
Orderliness |||||||||||||||||| 60%
Anxiety |||||||||||||||||| 58%
Volatility ||||||||||||||| 50%
Depression ||||||||||||||| 46%
Self-Consciousness ||||||||||||||||||||| 62%
Impulsiveness |||||||||||||||||||||||| 74%
Vulnerability ||||||||||||||| 50%
Emotional Stability ||||||||||||||| 44%
Imagination ||||||||||||||||||||| 70%
Artistic Interests |||||||||||||||||| 58%
Introspection |||||||||||||||||||||||| 78%
Adventurousness ||||||||||||||||||||| 70%
Intellect ||||||||||||||||||||| 66%
Liberalism ||||||||||||||| 50%
Openmindedness ||||||||||||||||||||| 65%
Accuracy: - 5 high 4 3 2 1 low
Big 30 Key
Tuesday, March 02, 2004
A poem that Darshan sent me. Startling.
Why do I write
Is it because I have to
Is it because I love to
Is it because I am really good at it
Am I good at it
No I'm not
Yes I am
Not you're not
Yes you are
Who's that?
That was me
Talking to myself?
Was I
Am I neurotic
Or do I just pretend to be
To convince myself that
I have an interesting
personality Do I
Am I
Am I
Not I'm not
Yes I am
No you're not
Yes you are
Does it come naturally
Or is it just a stream of consiousness
One more of my fundas If you will
Is it because I have to
Is it because I love to
Is it because I am really good at it
Am I good at it
No I'm not
Yes I am
Not you're not
Yes you are
Who's that?
That was me
Talking to myself?
Was I
Am I neurotic
Or do I just pretend to be
To convince myself that
I have an interesting
personality Do I
Am I
Am I
Not I'm not
Yes I am
No you're not
Yes you are
Does it come naturally
Or is it just a stream of consiousness
One more of my fundas If you will
Tuesday, February 24, 2004
Snapshots
The mind does not rest. Scared to be alone, it immerses itself in long dinners conducted over numerous drinks, vicarious laughter. Loud conversations soaked in gossip, carefully avoiding a touch of the personal. Silly jokes, long drives, the smell of smoke, the frustrations of others.
Blackness lurks. Life goes on as usual.
Talented Mr. Ripley. One of my favorite movies, turns out that its adapted from a book. And as I read the book, I am awestruck. Not just by the clear, engrossing flow of the story, by the sharp, unemotional dissection of the characters....but by the sheer magic (or so it seems) by which the book got faithfully recreated on film. Either the book is superlative or Matt Damon, Jude Law are brilliant actors. Probably a bit of both.
Mindless data entry on the Satruday. Very inappropriate. Very soothing. The pleasure of actually completing a bit of work and seeing the effort translated into filled up data fields.
Warm Sunday afternoon. For once, I don't shy away from the sun. I let it fall on my face, body, warming me, bringing back memories.....sweat - drenched summers in Delhi, the slap of the hot dusty wind when you move it, the sudden relief of the coling airconditioner.....warm, endless summer holidays in Bangalore, "chilling out" with Darshan, English movies on VCR, Hindi movies in stuffy theatres....
Lord of the Rings. The few human touches in the middle of the overwhelming adventure strike the right (wrong?) note. Lump in the throat....thoughts of Mummy, Nanima, Unni....memories take over. So does imagination. The lurking blackness envelops me in an unsuspecting, unexpected moment.
And its back to office. I want to get up and go. Can't. Won't. Even if I make my cv right now and circulate it tomorrow, it will be at least 2 months before I can be out of here. That means the nightmares ahead look unavoidable. At least, they will keep the mind occupied. Disgusting optimist.
And of course, as I sit at 12 pm typing this, people around me look at me strangely. What the fuck is this guy upto? After all, what does he do??
I wonder.
Blackness lurks. Life goes on as usual.
Talented Mr. Ripley. One of my favorite movies, turns out that its adapted from a book. And as I read the book, I am awestruck. Not just by the clear, engrossing flow of the story, by the sharp, unemotional dissection of the characters....but by the sheer magic (or so it seems) by which the book got faithfully recreated on film. Either the book is superlative or Matt Damon, Jude Law are brilliant actors. Probably a bit of both.
Mindless data entry on the Satruday. Very inappropriate. Very soothing. The pleasure of actually completing a bit of work and seeing the effort translated into filled up data fields.
Warm Sunday afternoon. For once, I don't shy away from the sun. I let it fall on my face, body, warming me, bringing back memories.....sweat - drenched summers in Delhi, the slap of the hot dusty wind when you move it, the sudden relief of the coling airconditioner.....warm, endless summer holidays in Bangalore, "chilling out" with Darshan, English movies on VCR, Hindi movies in stuffy theatres....
Lord of the Rings. The few human touches in the middle of the overwhelming adventure strike the right (wrong?) note. Lump in the throat....thoughts of Mummy, Nanima, Unni....memories take over. So does imagination. The lurking blackness envelops me in an unsuspecting, unexpected moment.
And its back to office. I want to get up and go. Can't. Won't. Even if I make my cv right now and circulate it tomorrow, it will be at least 2 months before I can be out of here. That means the nightmares ahead look unavoidable. At least, they will keep the mind occupied. Disgusting optimist.
And of course, as I sit at 12 pm typing this, people around me look at me strangely. What the fuck is this guy upto? After all, what does he do??
I wonder.
Wednesday, February 18, 2004
Crest n trough
The pace indicated in the prev blog quickened as D-Day - 14 Feb - drew closer.
The week preceding it was MAD!.....frenetic shopping, cross-city drives for personal invites, intense discussions on the action plan for events, last minute reminders n checks with vendors...coupled with Anjan's exhaustion n depression; Dolly' anger and Mummy's tension. Just in case the point wasnt clear - I went MAD!
Of course, the wedding took the cake. The mandap etc was supposed to be ready by 12:30 pm, and Anjan's family were to arrive at 3 pm. I reached venue at 11:15 to check on progress - there was nothing to check. Unshaven, hair oiled, the next 1 and a half hrs were spent screaming on the phone and getting hyper. Finally, Anjan's friend arrived who took over and I managed to go home to bathe and change.
Back at 2:15 pm, things still being set up. To give me company, dearest Bua arrived right on time at 2pm, sneer in full display, disparaging comments flowing like water. Hysteria intensified as the priest kept getting delayed, and the bride herself was far from ready. The main relatives stuck in a traffic jam, as Anjan kept calling me to check when his family could leave and come to the venue (matter of minutes for them, it was so close).
To cut a long story short (yes, it IS short - the tension I was feeling and thoughts flowing through my head could fill a hundred lines) Anjan finally arrived at 4 pm, and from then on, things went off well.
Next day's party was also great.
(More details on both the events hopefully in the next few blogs)
And then the next week arrived. The pace suddenly slowed, and one faced the prospect of getting back to a life that was as startlingly different from this heady, positive time as possible.
And now, am back here. Even more exhausted than I was when I left. Nothing to really look forward to unlike the previous few weeks. Thinking of Mummy who is alone for the next few days. Thinking of Nanima who is unwell and depressed herself. Getting back to a grind that offers "great exposure, great brand name" with a miserable day to day existence. Going back to a home which doesn't feel like one.
Solid, serious depression. And the thought that this was more or less expected does nothing to dilute it.
The week preceding it was MAD!.....frenetic shopping, cross-city drives for personal invites, intense discussions on the action plan for events, last minute reminders n checks with vendors...coupled with Anjan's exhaustion n depression; Dolly' anger and Mummy's tension. Just in case the point wasnt clear - I went MAD!
Of course, the wedding took the cake. The mandap etc was supposed to be ready by 12:30 pm, and Anjan's family were to arrive at 3 pm. I reached venue at 11:15 to check on progress - there was nothing to check. Unshaven, hair oiled, the next 1 and a half hrs were spent screaming on the phone and getting hyper. Finally, Anjan's friend arrived who took over and I managed to go home to bathe and change.
Back at 2:15 pm, things still being set up. To give me company, dearest Bua arrived right on time at 2pm, sneer in full display, disparaging comments flowing like water. Hysteria intensified as the priest kept getting delayed, and the bride herself was far from ready. The main relatives stuck in a traffic jam, as Anjan kept calling me to check when his family could leave and come to the venue (matter of minutes for them, it was so close).
To cut a long story short (yes, it IS short - the tension I was feeling and thoughts flowing through my head could fill a hundred lines) Anjan finally arrived at 4 pm, and from then on, things went off well.
Next day's party was also great.
(More details on both the events hopefully in the next few blogs)
And then the next week arrived. The pace suddenly slowed, and one faced the prospect of getting back to a life that was as startlingly different from this heady, positive time as possible.
And now, am back here. Even more exhausted than I was when I left. Nothing to really look forward to unlike the previous few weeks. Thinking of Mummy who is alone for the next few days. Thinking of Nanima who is unwell and depressed herself. Getting back to a grind that offers "great exposure, great brand name" with a miserable day to day existence. Going back to a home which doesn't feel like one.
Solid, serious depression. And the thought that this was more or less expected does nothing to dilute it.
Wednesday, February 04, 2004
Energy n exhaustion
Intensive shopping (to the extent that the credit card ppl called me to check on my "unusually high activity"!!).....going out...meeting friends....fires in office....massive inflow, peak load.....I could actually make a movie on this chaotic 2/3 weeks and title it HIGH ACTIVITY !!!! (except that the movie itself will need to have a chaotic feel, will not be understood by most ppl, and go into the arty-farty category!)
I am dreading list post-18th Feb when I return from Delhi. Sudden halt to the pace of personal life, sudden chaos all over the professional life. Yuck! Since I don't really have too many friends left, may as well ask God to help me through that time!!!
I am dreading list post-18th Feb when I return from Delhi. Sudden halt to the pace of personal life, sudden chaos all over the professional life. Yuck! Since I don't really have too many friends left, may as well ask God to help me through that time!!!
Tuesday, January 20, 2004
Grey
Grey...defines my internal state of mind and soul....defines the environment.....for the past 2 weeks (since my prev post).
That sharp surge of thought and emotion remained that - a surge. With no sustenance.
Basically, I got upset again, and thought to myself - "what the hell am I letting myself in for"? So went into a grey mood.
Mood further dampened after I heard of Nanaji's death and the details of the events 2/3 days after it. Such a long, rich, full life and such an undignified, sad exit. That lovely house filled with artifacts, mementos from all over the world; filled with bundles of "things" - clothes, equipment; filled with so so so many warm memories - the house now ransacked by greedy, insensitive nephews n nieces, the items that now grace the rooms of unpleasant wimps, or have been thrown off as useless.
Breaks my heart. And brings back memories, memories kept in that dark corner of the mind. Brings to the fore fears, fears best relegated to the corner of the heart.
Can I share with this anyone? These low, dark moments? I can - with the same people who I am running away from.
QED - I am grey.
That sharp surge of thought and emotion remained that - a surge. With no sustenance.
Basically, I got upset again, and thought to myself - "what the hell am I letting myself in for"? So went into a grey mood.
Mood further dampened after I heard of Nanaji's death and the details of the events 2/3 days after it. Such a long, rich, full life and such an undignified, sad exit. That lovely house filled with artifacts, mementos from all over the world; filled with bundles of "things" - clothes, equipment; filled with so so so many warm memories - the house now ransacked by greedy, insensitive nephews n nieces, the items that now grace the rooms of unpleasant wimps, or have been thrown off as useless.
Breaks my heart. And brings back memories, memories kept in that dark corner of the mind. Brings to the fore fears, fears best relegated to the corner of the heart.
Can I share with this anyone? These low, dark moments? I can - with the same people who I am running away from.
QED - I am grey.
Saturday, January 03, 2004
New Year?
Why do so many of my blogs start with questions? Probably because questions are the first step to examination and then to expression. Duh!
I tend to attach a certain amount of significance to the concept of the new year. For one, it allows me to detect and form a pattern to life - experiences, attitudes, approach. For another, it is my superstitious self that reinforces the theme of the year following the pattern of the start.
To elaborate :
Just going back a few years, each year seemed to have a theme that flowed from the experiences at the end of the previous year and the consequent resolutions.....
I began 2001 crying. I was hurt, confused. Unni. I was apprehensive, insecure. Placements. Hence, the theme for the rest of the year - insecurities, apprehensions, turmoil - job (even though I got a good one easily) and Unni (even though he remained with me in Chennai)
I began 2002 alone. A little numb, tired from always thinking, always feeling. And thus started the process of distancing, detachment from people who used to be close to me, from work which I was passionate about. It started with Parish, and picked up momentum through the year. Mid way, I took one of my hardest decisions, and moved away from Chennai (yes, thats the right way to put it) and back to Delhi. Tore my guts out, but it had to be done.
2003 started pleasantly, chilled out at Manoshi's party. There was a lot to think about, there was a lot to feel....after all, I was shedding ppl left, right & centre! But then, there was also work. A career which I knew I had to make. Hence - systems shutdown. Did as much decent work at Polaris as I could....concentrated on getting into a better place. Again, the mid-year change - Accenture. Moved into overdrive - a pace that didnt allow me to think or feel or make any effort, thus sparing me the associated guilt and questions. The pace intensified, the shedding too. Approaches I earlier held dear, vanished, as I spent free time having a "good time", with "friends" with whom I shared hardly one decent conversation.
But now, 2004 is here. And I am forced to pause, to question.
Am I doing the right thing??? This deliberate hardening of the shield - the "it doesn't affect me", "I don't need you" approach - who is it hurting?
But do I have an option??? I have seen the direction the world, and the people, around me are moving. To spare myself too much pain, disillusionment in the future, isn't this what I have to do??
The year didn't start off too well anyways! 31st was office, a measly dinner, and then home. 1st was a pleasant lunch with old friends, followed by an irritating, tense drive to ISKON and back, followed by a broken dinner appointment, followed by a v pleasant evening reading & eating....all in all, a mix. Is that what the year's going to be? No common thread- just a mix?
Mix of what? As Unni said to me, a mix of approaches, not a standardised extremist approach?? (is the tendency to draw parallels becoming too strong?!) Maybe. For a change, I cant focus on what the theme for the year would be - and maybe thats the indication itself.
One resolution is clear - I have to focus more on myself and my health. Have really let myself go last year, with no thought on what I am eating & drinking. From now on, I will regain my old sense of always having a good mix of indulgence and caution!!
Cheers!
I tend to attach a certain amount of significance to the concept of the new year. For one, it allows me to detect and form a pattern to life - experiences, attitudes, approach. For another, it is my superstitious self that reinforces the theme of the year following the pattern of the start.
To elaborate :
Just going back a few years, each year seemed to have a theme that flowed from the experiences at the end of the previous year and the consequent resolutions.....
I began 2001 crying. I was hurt, confused. Unni. I was apprehensive, insecure. Placements. Hence, the theme for the rest of the year - insecurities, apprehensions, turmoil - job (even though I got a good one easily) and Unni (even though he remained with me in Chennai)
I began 2002 alone. A little numb, tired from always thinking, always feeling. And thus started the process of distancing, detachment from people who used to be close to me, from work which I was passionate about. It started with Parish, and picked up momentum through the year. Mid way, I took one of my hardest decisions, and moved away from Chennai (yes, thats the right way to put it) and back to Delhi. Tore my guts out, but it had to be done.
2003 started pleasantly, chilled out at Manoshi's party. There was a lot to think about, there was a lot to feel....after all, I was shedding ppl left, right & centre! But then, there was also work. A career which I knew I had to make. Hence - systems shutdown. Did as much decent work at Polaris as I could....concentrated on getting into a better place. Again, the mid-year change - Accenture. Moved into overdrive - a pace that didnt allow me to think or feel or make any effort, thus sparing me the associated guilt and questions. The pace intensified, the shedding too. Approaches I earlier held dear, vanished, as I spent free time having a "good time", with "friends" with whom I shared hardly one decent conversation.
But now, 2004 is here. And I am forced to pause, to question.
Am I doing the right thing??? This deliberate hardening of the shield - the "it doesn't affect me", "I don't need you" approach - who is it hurting?
But do I have an option??? I have seen the direction the world, and the people, around me are moving. To spare myself too much pain, disillusionment in the future, isn't this what I have to do??
The year didn't start off too well anyways! 31st was office, a measly dinner, and then home. 1st was a pleasant lunch with old friends, followed by an irritating, tense drive to ISKON and back, followed by a broken dinner appointment, followed by a v pleasant evening reading & eating....all in all, a mix. Is that what the year's going to be? No common thread- just a mix?
Mix of what? As Unni said to me, a mix of approaches, not a standardised extremist approach?? (is the tendency to draw parallels becoming too strong?!) Maybe. For a change, I cant focus on what the theme for the year would be - and maybe thats the indication itself.
One resolution is clear - I have to focus more on myself and my health. Have really let myself go last year, with no thought on what I am eating & drinking. From now on, I will regain my old sense of always having a good mix of indulgence and caution!!
Cheers!
Friday, December 26, 2003
meaningful conversations?
A winter shock came in the form of Unni dear calling up and asking how my year was!
Well, we had a near meaningful conversation after that...albeit a shortish one. This was the second one after the one we had a few weeks ago, on that fight with his cousin etc.
Does this signal the change of tides...? This has been a significantly Unni-less (in fact, intimacy-less) year.....is the theme for next year going to be different?
More on this "year...theme...change..." thing next week
Well, we had a near meaningful conversation after that...albeit a shortish one. This was the second one after the one we had a few weeks ago, on that fight with his cousin etc.
Does this signal the change of tides...? This has been a significantly Unni-less (in fact, intimacy-less) year.....is the theme for next year going to be different?
More on this "year...theme...change..." thing next week
Saturday, December 20, 2003
Poem
Went to a few blogs after a looooooong time today..!
Eric had posted a blog asking for poems....made me suddenly remember a poem which had really affected me. Posted it in his comments section (tho I know he probably wont like it)....copying it below. Love the words, they are an elegant reflections of my feelings.
(sigh!)
A Wistful Thought
I am wanting for a friend
whose nature is akin to mine
and likes the paths I wander in
of tall black forest trees
and ocean beaches combed by wind,
with rocks of drying seaweed
for a seat, to rest and talk.
We'd walk amongst the sandpipers
and speak of lonesome times,
of how, when mixed with
family or neighbor kind, we
each had often felt
most singular and set apart;
and how, though separate
and still unmet, the two of us
had shared a wish to be
in conversations, glad and free,
with one who'd feed the growing trust
of the other's pilgrim heart.
Eric had posted a blog asking for poems....made me suddenly remember a poem which had really affected me. Posted it in his comments section (tho I know he probably wont like it)....copying it below. Love the words, they are an elegant reflections of my feelings.
(sigh!)
A Wistful Thought
I am wanting for a friend
whose nature is akin to mine
and likes the paths I wander in
of tall black forest trees
and ocean beaches combed by wind,
with rocks of drying seaweed
for a seat, to rest and talk.
We'd walk amongst the sandpipers
and speak of lonesome times,
of how, when mixed with
family or neighbor kind, we
each had often felt
most singular and set apart;
and how, though separate
and still unmet, the two of us
had shared a wish to be
in conversations, glad and free,
with one who'd feed the growing trust
of the other's pilgrim heart.
Friday, December 19, 2003
On the verge
Suddenly......yes, suddenly....all the energy seems to have been sapped out of me. '
I drag myself out of bed each day, sleepwalk through the rest of day, a fixed smile on my face (that often slips, prompting the explanation "I am not well"), barely managing to get some work done, to keep the gaadi going...always on the verge just giving up, just sitting down and not getting up again.
Books dont thrill me, comedies don't make me laugh...the troubles of loved ones leave me with a sense of regret and a faint memory that I used to get affected more...in some lifetime.
Maybe this is my subconscious self reacting to the forced high levels of energy/positivity that I have sustained for several months now. Maybe its a reaction against the "dont think,dont feel" stance, which has resulted in an accumulation of sludge. Or then, it could be my self-preservation instinct kicking in, preparing for the onslaught of work and tension that is certain over the next 3-4 weeks.
Maybe. Who knows? I am certainly not thinking it through. And I certainly dont have people left who can help me think it through.
I drag myself out of bed each day, sleepwalk through the rest of day, a fixed smile on my face (that often slips, prompting the explanation "I am not well"), barely managing to get some work done, to keep the gaadi going...always on the verge just giving up, just sitting down and not getting up again.
Books dont thrill me, comedies don't make me laugh...the troubles of loved ones leave me with a sense of regret and a faint memory that I used to get affected more...in some lifetime.
Maybe this is my subconscious self reacting to the forced high levels of energy/positivity that I have sustained for several months now. Maybe its a reaction against the "dont think,dont feel" stance, which has resulted in an accumulation of sludge. Or then, it could be my self-preservation instinct kicking in, preparing for the onslaught of work and tension that is certain over the next 3-4 weeks.
Maybe. Who knows? I am certainly not thinking it through. And I certainly dont have people left who can help me think it through.
Thursday, December 18, 2003
When will I get free?
Drifting....shitty feeling....this is what my prev blogs were about.
I have no change to report, the feelings intensify with the added ingredient of a bit of confusion n regret thrown in.
First - it is a stranger (relatively...Vicky) who makes me realise the change in me...the automatic suppresion of feelings, the negation of involvement.
Second - it is a stranger (kpmg auditor) who makes me realise how less I think now.
Third - it is my best friend who makes me realise why this is so - why I have stopped thinking n feeling.
I have no change to report, the feelings intensify with the added ingredient of a bit of confusion n regret thrown in.
First - it is a stranger (relatively...Vicky) who makes me realise the change in me...the automatic suppresion of feelings, the negation of involvement.
Second - it is a stranger (kpmg auditor) who makes me realise how less I think now.
Third - it is my best friend who makes me realise why this is so - why I have stopped thinking n feeling.
Tuesday, December 02, 2003
welcome break and a shitty feeling
Rushed off to Ooty for the weekend with Darshan. Beautiful, relaxing. Chilly, misty weather. Chocolates and walks.
Now back to office - Irritation, exhaustion. No time for the rest of my life. No conversations. No thoughts, no ideas.
Shit.
Now back to office - Irritation, exhaustion. No time for the rest of my life. No conversations. No thoughts, no ideas.
Shit.
Tuesday, November 18, 2003
Drifting
The prev blog, posted more than 10 days ago, ended with me wanting to know and like myself again.
How?
You need to be in peace with yourself. You need to have silence within and without. (thats why the word "holy" is associated with silence).
And that silence is obvously missing from my life. Daily chaos - a host of crap cluttering up the mind - thats what life is all about right now.
And under the garb of this madness n pace, the boat is slowly drfiting. I am afraid that the boat will drfit too far to be retrievable. I need to catch the boat before that happens. I need to find that peace, and in that peace, connect with myself again.
That was the purpose behind running off to Chennai on the weekend. Bad decision. Had fun, all right.....but no peace. In fact, another element got added to the cauldron - strong emotion.
Maybe I will go somewhere quiet by myself next weekend.
Easier said than done.
How?
You need to be in peace with yourself. You need to have silence within and without. (thats why the word "holy" is associated with silence).
And that silence is obvously missing from my life. Daily chaos - a host of crap cluttering up the mind - thats what life is all about right now.
And under the garb of this madness n pace, the boat is slowly drfiting. I am afraid that the boat will drfit too far to be retrievable. I need to catch the boat before that happens. I need to find that peace, and in that peace, connect with myself again.
That was the purpose behind running off to Chennai on the weekend. Bad decision. Had fun, all right.....but no peace. In fact, another element got added to the cauldron - strong emotion.
Maybe I will go somewhere quiet by myself next weekend.
Easier said than done.
Monday, October 27, 2003
A new face in the mirror
Met someone last week who reminded me of....Me!!!
It was only when I met him and spoke to him, that I realised why I felt such a strong sense of connection & emotion at the same time....it was because I recognised in him what I used to be.
I knew I had changed over the years, especially over the past 2 years, but not to this extent! Its scary...its like something was happening within me,,,and though I was dimly aware, I didn't realise the sharpness. Me....who has spent unholy amounts of time scrambling & meticuluously examining the truth within. And now its as if I hv been caught sleeping!!! It would be funny if it weren;t so tragic. Black humor enters my life again.
But what was it that prompted this realisation? I think it was the sheer romanticism that shone from him, the "goofiness", the straight-from-the-heart conversation. In my reaction to him I recognised the reactions of others to me, till a few years ago - Shekhar, Avijit, Amit, Meet - all people who had the same expression on their faces that I had when I met Vicky.
And where & when did this change happen? I think it was like a slow but steady erosion of rock by strong, salty waves (I certainly havent lost my zest for yucky romantic similies!).
And why?? The answer lies partly in the past..partly in the future. Today, I am what I am because of certain things that happened...the grief, the disillusionments, the loss of trust, the sense of disbelief, that forced me to withdraw back into myself.
Also, I am what I am because I am preparing for the future - a future very different, a future I can nevertheless see the genesis of, right now.
In fact, the strongest example of this is reflected in my social life. I used to be a person v v clear abt who I wanted to be with, who I got intimate with. Hence, had many pleasant simple social relationships, had a few very strong, intimate relationships, used to go out often only with the people I am close to, liked to spend time at home if that wasnt possible.
Now, I have many friends, none of whom I am intimate with. Once in a while a conversation with Unni/L/Darshan...and rarely, Shekhar...thats the extent of my intimacy. And the ratio of my social contact with them is barely 10-20% in comparison to the rest of my hectic, "fun oriented" socialising.
And finally...do I regret it? Wellll....to be v v honest, Yes.
I liked myself, genuinely did. Now I dont know even know whether I know myself, so where;s the question of liking.
And if I can't say I like myself, will I ever see the intimacy, the affection, the loyalty that I have known from others in the past? Certainly wont.
But perhaps that was a foregone conclusion that I had made about the future. And changed myself to suit that vision. Deep workings of the mind that even the self isn't aware of.
It was only when I met him and spoke to him, that I realised why I felt such a strong sense of connection & emotion at the same time....it was because I recognised in him what I used to be.
I knew I had changed over the years, especially over the past 2 years, but not to this extent! Its scary...its like something was happening within me,,,and though I was dimly aware, I didn't realise the sharpness. Me....who has spent unholy amounts of time scrambling & meticuluously examining the truth within. And now its as if I hv been caught sleeping!!! It would be funny if it weren;t so tragic. Black humor enters my life again.
But what was it that prompted this realisation? I think it was the sheer romanticism that shone from him, the "goofiness", the straight-from-the-heart conversation. In my reaction to him I recognised the reactions of others to me, till a few years ago - Shekhar, Avijit, Amit, Meet - all people who had the same expression on their faces that I had when I met Vicky.
And where & when did this change happen? I think it was like a slow but steady erosion of rock by strong, salty waves (I certainly havent lost my zest for yucky romantic similies!).
And why?? The answer lies partly in the past..partly in the future. Today, I am what I am because of certain things that happened...the grief, the disillusionments, the loss of trust, the sense of disbelief, that forced me to withdraw back into myself.
Also, I am what I am because I am preparing for the future - a future very different, a future I can nevertheless see the genesis of, right now.
In fact, the strongest example of this is reflected in my social life. I used to be a person v v clear abt who I wanted to be with, who I got intimate with. Hence, had many pleasant simple social relationships, had a few very strong, intimate relationships, used to go out often only with the people I am close to, liked to spend time at home if that wasnt possible.
Now, I have many friends, none of whom I am intimate with. Once in a while a conversation with Unni/L/Darshan...and rarely, Shekhar...thats the extent of my intimacy. And the ratio of my social contact with them is barely 10-20% in comparison to the rest of my hectic, "fun oriented" socialising.
And finally...do I regret it? Wellll....to be v v honest, Yes.
I liked myself, genuinely did. Now I dont know even know whether I know myself, so where;s the question of liking.
And if I can't say I like myself, will I ever see the intimacy, the affection, the loyalty that I have known from others in the past? Certainly wont.
But perhaps that was a foregone conclusion that I had made about the future. And changed myself to suit that vision. Deep workings of the mind that even the self isn't aware of.
Monday, October 20, 2003
Bloody hell, its been a month since I blogged!!!!!!!!!! What the hell is the point of life if you cant even spare for yourself a few moments of introspection/rambling......?!!!
I feel like stamping my feet and crying loudly...!! There's so bloody much to think, think, think, worry, worry, work out, work out, plan,plan.......ALL the time......projects, people, workplans, PPTs, unread mails, un-returned phone calls, updates, timings, cold, cough, dolly, mummy, plan, finances, abn amro, shares, laundry, bookcase, sarees, shopping, relatives, friends, relationships.....in short, mental n physical exhaustion.
And at the end, do I have a smug satisfied look on my face? No, I dont...the harried, circle under the eyes, totally confidence unispiring look continues. I look like a weak idiot. And my performance review barely a month away.
Just spoke to Unni....his father's not well, he;s running around docs n clinics, he;s got a job opportunity at Oracle which he;s not sure abt pursuing because of most convoluted, contradictory, unconvincing reasons. So, whats new.
I can't make it to chennai/pondicherry this weekend. Hell - its better if I just stay in Del. There when I miss him, I can at least console myself with the 3000km distance between us. Now, 300km away, its frustrating - so near, yet still so far. He's a self desructive fool. And I hv become like him. My time in Chennai was so painful because of this itself - the experience of being so close to the person who could take me to the highest heights, yet the actual reality of being at the lowest point most of the time. And, once in a while, I wld ask him - what are we doing??? We know each other, care for each other, understand each other, and are nearby each other. Yet both of us wrapped up in our own miseries, not reaching out to the other.
After eons, went for a play yesterday, or rather a series of one-act plays. Rather an amateurish production (though you wldnt have thought it looking at the prices!), 2 of the plays were really good, 2 were all right, and 2 were bad.
The good ones :
"The Rut" by some Russian playwright.
An old couple sitting in the dark, conversing. They are sitting in the dark because the husband forgot to bring candles. And so begins the acidic conversation that brims with biting witticims, delivered with perfect timing by two seasoned actors. They had to hold up the act twice because of the applause n laughter that followed every second line!
"The Philadelphia" by.....god knows! (my memory remains as good as ever!)
While the Rut played upon words, the strength of this one came from its characters - a flirtatious, good natured charlie who loves giving advice; a bored, pretty, hardened waitress; and an earnest buffoon who is in "the philadelphia", a state of life where you get exactly the opposite of what you ask for. Extremely enjoyable because of effective casting....in fact, I mean to trace the mail id of the main actor and send him my compliments. Sigh! another "to do" for my list!
The bad ones were basically sophisticated topics, marred by the lack of depth in collegians.
Which brings me to Baghban - a typical "family" movie, about an old couple and their children etc etc etc. Yes, it was overdone; yes, it was a little exagerrated. But the core was true. And that core of strong, pure emotion was brought out by the excellent performances of the 2 lead actors. My companions, on the other hand, couldn't stop screaming "yuck" most of the time. They are the same 2 women who love picking up stray puppies in sympathy, who can't stop their tears when their boyfriends say a harsh word to them, claiming that they are "sensitive". But they couldn;t bring themselves to step into the shoes of a different generation, 2 of whom went through heart wrenching period of disillusionment & grief.
As I am sometimes amazed by the purity in people;s hearts, I am sometimes taken aback by the lack of imagination & sensitivity that exists in so many of these so-called well-eductaed, well-brought up people.
The movie also brought back horrific memories of people I have known and the suffering they have gone through. Made me all the more determined to spend lesser time thinking of my convoluted life, and more trying to genuinely look after the people that I love. Hence, the call with Unni, which ended in me getting upset. Great!!
Everything quiet on the US front....not much of war rhetoric etc.....oh yes! how cld I forget..it branded Dawood Ibrahim an international terrorist. Cool - one good thing it did. If only the other actions were consistent.
Outlook's latest cover story is what I have been dreaming of for years "Why Indians hate their politicians". Finally!! A reliable survey puts politicians just above pimps. But what I am feeling gleeful about? As if these bastards don't know what the people think of them. They do. It doesn't matter. Why are only the wrong people assassinated??? But then, who am I to decide who the "right" people are? Maybe the right people don't always do the right things. This ties in with my earlier theory of good people creating evil around them. I think the ways things evolve is just ok. Lot of things wrong, of course, but things are taking their own path, bringing times with them that bring their own dimensions of good n evil. Case in point: the IT boom. All magazines keep writing abt the "new life", the high flying professionals, the dominance of Indians etc etc - who;s going to write about the toil behind this life, the slave mentality that we refuse to let go of, the "factories" where men are machines.....? Outlook - I call to you!!
On that rambling call, let me end what was a satisfying blog. Of course, by now I am sleepy n tired, and have a huge bunch of documents to go through for tomorrow morning;s meeting.
Yippee.
I feel like stamping my feet and crying loudly...!! There's so bloody much to think, think, think, worry, worry, work out, work out, plan,plan.......ALL the time......projects, people, workplans, PPTs, unread mails, un-returned phone calls, updates, timings, cold, cough, dolly, mummy, plan, finances, abn amro, shares, laundry, bookcase, sarees, shopping, relatives, friends, relationships.....in short, mental n physical exhaustion.
And at the end, do I have a smug satisfied look on my face? No, I dont...the harried, circle under the eyes, totally confidence unispiring look continues. I look like a weak idiot. And my performance review barely a month away.
Just spoke to Unni....his father's not well, he;s running around docs n clinics, he;s got a job opportunity at Oracle which he;s not sure abt pursuing because of most convoluted, contradictory, unconvincing reasons. So, whats new.
I can't make it to chennai/pondicherry this weekend. Hell - its better if I just stay in Del. There when I miss him, I can at least console myself with the 3000km distance between us. Now, 300km away, its frustrating - so near, yet still so far. He's a self desructive fool. And I hv become like him. My time in Chennai was so painful because of this itself - the experience of being so close to the person who could take me to the highest heights, yet the actual reality of being at the lowest point most of the time. And, once in a while, I wld ask him - what are we doing??? We know each other, care for each other, understand each other, and are nearby each other. Yet both of us wrapped up in our own miseries, not reaching out to the other.
After eons, went for a play yesterday, or rather a series of one-act plays. Rather an amateurish production (though you wldnt have thought it looking at the prices!), 2 of the plays were really good, 2 were all right, and 2 were bad.
The good ones :
"The Rut" by some Russian playwright.
An old couple sitting in the dark, conversing. They are sitting in the dark because the husband forgot to bring candles. And so begins the acidic conversation that brims with biting witticims, delivered with perfect timing by two seasoned actors. They had to hold up the act twice because of the applause n laughter that followed every second line!
"The Philadelphia" by.....god knows! (my memory remains as good as ever!)
While the Rut played upon words, the strength of this one came from its characters - a flirtatious, good natured charlie who loves giving advice; a bored, pretty, hardened waitress; and an earnest buffoon who is in "the philadelphia", a state of life where you get exactly the opposite of what you ask for. Extremely enjoyable because of effective casting....in fact, I mean to trace the mail id of the main actor and send him my compliments. Sigh! another "to do" for my list!
The bad ones were basically sophisticated topics, marred by the lack of depth in collegians.
Which brings me to Baghban - a typical "family" movie, about an old couple and their children etc etc etc. Yes, it was overdone; yes, it was a little exagerrated. But the core was true. And that core of strong, pure emotion was brought out by the excellent performances of the 2 lead actors. My companions, on the other hand, couldn't stop screaming "yuck" most of the time. They are the same 2 women who love picking up stray puppies in sympathy, who can't stop their tears when their boyfriends say a harsh word to them, claiming that they are "sensitive". But they couldn;t bring themselves to step into the shoes of a different generation, 2 of whom went through heart wrenching period of disillusionment & grief.
As I am sometimes amazed by the purity in people;s hearts, I am sometimes taken aback by the lack of imagination & sensitivity that exists in so many of these so-called well-eductaed, well-brought up people.
The movie also brought back horrific memories of people I have known and the suffering they have gone through. Made me all the more determined to spend lesser time thinking of my convoluted life, and more trying to genuinely look after the people that I love. Hence, the call with Unni, which ended in me getting upset. Great!!
Everything quiet on the US front....not much of war rhetoric etc.....oh yes! how cld I forget..it branded Dawood Ibrahim an international terrorist. Cool - one good thing it did. If only the other actions were consistent.
Outlook's latest cover story is what I have been dreaming of for years "Why Indians hate their politicians". Finally!! A reliable survey puts politicians just above pimps. But what I am feeling gleeful about? As if these bastards don't know what the people think of them. They do. It doesn't matter. Why are only the wrong people assassinated??? But then, who am I to decide who the "right" people are? Maybe the right people don't always do the right things. This ties in with my earlier theory of good people creating evil around them. I think the ways things evolve is just ok. Lot of things wrong, of course, but things are taking their own path, bringing times with them that bring their own dimensions of good n evil. Case in point: the IT boom. All magazines keep writing abt the "new life", the high flying professionals, the dominance of Indians etc etc - who;s going to write about the toil behind this life, the slave mentality that we refuse to let go of, the "factories" where men are machines.....? Outlook - I call to you!!
On that rambling call, let me end what was a satisfying blog. Of course, by now I am sleepy n tired, and have a huge bunch of documents to go through for tomorrow morning;s meeting.
Yippee.
Thursday, September 25, 2003
bloody hell...i hv to keep motivating myself
In the beginning, life is all about "positive experiences".....when I think of all positive feelings - security, sense of belonging, undiluted love, achievement, clear headedness - I realise that I got acquainted with all these in my childhood itself.
And then, slowly...quietly, life kept throwing the negatives my way. There was grief ....heartbreak.....disillusionment....insecurity.....confusion.....lack of achievement.......as life goes on, I keep getting acquainted with these feelings one by one. During these times, the pain is immense, but then as I emerge out of the cloud, I realise it is an "experience", it is something that takes me further along my goal of being a better, stronger person.
Am I again rationalising the negative? Doesnt matter. What matters is the end result - that I remain positive.
What if this process had been reversed? Would I have been able to hold on to a positive value system? I am very thankful to God/fate/destiny etc etc, that I dont have to answer this question.
And then, slowly...quietly, life kept throwing the negatives my way. There was grief ....heartbreak.....disillusionment....insecurity.....confusion.....lack of achievement.......as life goes on, I keep getting acquainted with these feelings one by one. During these times, the pain is immense, but then as I emerge out of the cloud, I realise it is an "experience", it is something that takes me further along my goal of being a better, stronger person.
Am I again rationalising the negative? Doesnt matter. What matters is the end result - that I remain positive.
What if this process had been reversed? Would I have been able to hold on to a positive value system? I am very thankful to God/fate/destiny etc etc, that I dont have to answer this question.
Friday, September 19, 2003
Ramblings
This is Friday night of undoubtedly one of the worst weeks ever (work wise)...hectic workschedules, a hyper boss, a sarcastic super boss, lack of sleep, and bad eating habits, and absence of support systems like unni....all contributed.
As i am too exhausted, will just post extracts from one or two mails I wrote this week:
"This week is getting steadily worse.....yesterday, I nearly blew up at my hysterical boss......am giving it one more chance today....am really in a mood to just blow up, but i keep calming myself down......the worst part is, nothing I do is appreciated....for so many weeks, I was wracked with so many questions n self - doubt, to which I had no answers....and hence spent many days in agony........but yest, after 2/3 harsh incidents, came to the conclusion that I cant blame myself for everything.....
As it is, I am hardly communicating nowdays (except with you)......thank god i am not married etc, else I wld really have a real problem on my hands! I dont think I am made for marriage....for one, I want to do too many things in life and dont want to be constantly taking into consideration a "life partner", neither am i the type of person who wld just go ahead and live the way i want to, let the relatioship suffer.......i believe in making things work, and that goes for relationships......if I put it in typical "office style" terms - I dont have the bandwidth to take on critical things....I dont believe in doing things for the sake of doing it, and I wont take on things I cant do justice to"
"i am so sleepy.....left at 12 last night and came back at 9.....but whats the piont of working hard if it is still thought that i dont? I might as well prove them right. but somehow, am unable to bring myself to reach that point. my tenure here is a struggle to hold on to my sense of self, and the values n beliefs I have. I think thats essentially the struggle of life. I hope I hv been successful so far. I hope I wl continue to be."
Whats to look forward to? MOVIES!!!! 4 of them.......hallelujah!
As i am too exhausted, will just post extracts from one or two mails I wrote this week:
"This week is getting steadily worse.....yesterday, I nearly blew up at my hysterical boss......am giving it one more chance today....am really in a mood to just blow up, but i keep calming myself down......the worst part is, nothing I do is appreciated....for so many weeks, I was wracked with so many questions n self - doubt, to which I had no answers....and hence spent many days in agony........but yest, after 2/3 harsh incidents, came to the conclusion that I cant blame myself for everything.....
As it is, I am hardly communicating nowdays (except with you)......thank god i am not married etc, else I wld really have a real problem on my hands! I dont think I am made for marriage....for one, I want to do too many things in life and dont want to be constantly taking into consideration a "life partner", neither am i the type of person who wld just go ahead and live the way i want to, let the relatioship suffer.......i believe in making things work, and that goes for relationships......if I put it in typical "office style" terms - I dont have the bandwidth to take on critical things....I dont believe in doing things for the sake of doing it, and I wont take on things I cant do justice to"
"i am so sleepy.....left at 12 last night and came back at 9.....but whats the piont of working hard if it is still thought that i dont? I might as well prove them right. but somehow, am unable to bring myself to reach that point. my tenure here is a struggle to hold on to my sense of self, and the values n beliefs I have. I think thats essentially the struggle of life. I hope I hv been successful so far. I hope I wl continue to be."
Whats to look forward to? MOVIES!!!! 4 of them.......hallelujah!
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