The old self peeped out

On Friday evening, at the end of a conversation (something which I haven't had for a long time), L told me "Wake up".
A little startled by this sharp, incisive, accurate comment of his, I spent the weekend observing how I had been sleeping.

Saturday was idyllic. Shopping with Venkat, then a long, leisurely lunch (Italian), then window shopping again....then dinner at Sameer's with the gang (and the crowd).
But then, the plan was to party through the night. And that didnt happen because Pooja wasnt well and Shweta said she was too tired. First disappointment, Venkat a little angry. Finally, the three of us just sat in the enclosed park under Sameer's apartment and had a gala time doing a post mortem of the party, plus sundry other topics! At the end of it, I felt like going for coffee, but no takers. Shweta sleepy n Venkat irritated.

But inspite of the overall good day, I reached home (at 2 am) feeling restless and vaguely unhappy. Didn't torture myself further that night, all under-the-surface thoughts n emotions were parked for the next day.

Sunday was a day of reflection. Had a lazy afternoon at Barrista. Read (and finished) "Ripley's Game". Lounged in the comfy chair, felt the wind, looked at the landscaped gardens & the waterfalls...and thought.

Sleep. "How" is one asleep and at the same time active??

By never remaining alone with one person for more than 2/3 hrs at a time. Because its difficult to keep up a charade after that time, its easier to lose a bit of control and let your self - your thoughts, your reactions - leak through the pancake.

By conditioning yourself not to depend/expect/demand. And if by any chance, you actually end up in a normal relationship, condition yourself not to show that you depend/expect/demand.

I slipped up on both on Saturday. I treated Venkat, Shweta like friends. And hence, the restlessness, the imminent hurt.

The theory (so to speak) was tested on Sunday evening, during an hour long conversation by Shekhar (our longest in 2/3 yrs, I think!). L's words ringing in my mind (wake up), I dispassionately dissected the conversation as it happened, comparing my responses and his impressions, with what I remembered 3/4 years ago. The drastic difference was not so suprising. As I have constantly noted in these blogs, the undercurrents of change have been swift, effective and not unnoticed.

But what was different now was that I was actually waking up. I actually wanted to scream, and explain and talk and cry. I didn't want to lie ; or pretend ; or present a controlled picture. I wanted to be myself.

Thankfully, I checked myself in time.

And today I am back. Back to being the self I have conditioned myself to be. With remembrances of the weekend when someone else peeked out.

Do I want to wake up?

Its scary.