Change - again

The concept of change - especially within oneself - keeps coming back to haunt me.

Yesterday, it hit me again. Bad.

The sound of rain, the sight of trees....and it hit me. Thoughts, emotions. One moment I am sitting coolly and thinking about when to wake up Shweta and the next moment I am ready to put a bullet through my head.

I have put in a tremendous effort in terms of control & conditioning over the past 12 to 18 months. And have seen evidence of requisite success - not only from my own, but from others' perspective - e.g.shweta, venkat etc. who would never associate the term 'emotional extremity' with me, unlike anyone else who knows me.

But such incidents cast shadows - Vicky's messages ; Mummy's shifting ; Shweta' s movement ; Darshan's behavior - all culminating in yesterday's afternoon turmoil, casting doubt over whether the supposed change is synthetic or fundamental.

Spoke to L, who says its the result of me trying to negate my own personality. But then, its something I have to live with. My previous way of life is not sustainable. Dont know whether this one is, but its inevitable, I dont think its a choice any more.