It's 1:40 am on a Saturday night and I must admit, I am tired. It's been my usual Saturday - a mix of time spent with myself and with close friends...some at home, some out...some drinks, some food, some shopping. Deepa is staying over; we saw an episode of project runway and she has now retired to her room. But I decided to linger a few moments more and capture some of the thoughts that have been running under the surface for a while.
Once again, I find myself in that place where a lot seems to be happening all at once, most of it not very pleasant. Some of the people closest to me, both family and friends, are going through a tough time, to the point that I am reminded of what was possibly the worst time of my life, mummy's first breakdown (which to me symbolised the worst that could happen to a loved one). There's my own emotional state I am trying to deal with, trying to strike a balance between being honest and kind with myself...and sometimes I feel its kinder to leave it ambiguous, the clarity I would normally aspire for can be a little too sharp. As I try to find that balance and act according to it, I remain on a roller coaster. And then there are the more banal, but equally significant, topics to not just deal with but act on, career & finances. One way or the other, there's a lot to think, a lot to feel.
Not that I am unfamiliar with this state of affairs; in fact it's got the eerie familiarity of an old illness. And not that I am overwhelmed by it; as I grow older, I realize that my measure of self control is actually improving and its not a myth! I am able to get a larger perspective more easily and my "external face" is not as much of a yo-yo as it used to be earlier.
No...what I am more interested in this time is how and why this comes together in such a way. To truly seek answers to this, one must be reasonably well versed in areas of philosophy, theology and possibly spirituality. But then, unlike Shw, I am not one to dig dig dig. I would rather ask the question and have a response, rather than an answer.
So are there are powers that control us? And what are the powers that we control? Are they one and the same?
I would try and find some responses through the situation I am in right now. Yes, there's a lot going on, within and around me. Is what's happening to me unique? No. Many people worry for their loved ones; people grieve; people fall in and out of relationships; people plan their careers; people think about their finances. What is unique though, are two things.
One, that all these threads (a word I am using more and more often) seem to come together and get all knotted up at the same time; this does point towards a larger power (for want of a better word) controlling the movement of events and emotions in such a direction. And the word movement brings me to our favorite pastime - guessing the actions of planets and stars that allegedly control the events in our life. And that honestly doesnt sound very weird to me at all. I believe life, whether it be on a day to day basis or at an aggregate level, is all about energy and our struggle to compensate the negative with the positive. And what are planetary movements all about? Energy right...and the generation of it? So it's natural that our lives react to that constant, powerful field of energy surrounding the earth and our solar system and our galaxy and be influenced by it. Thus impacting moods, behaviors and inner systems that in turn determine many of the events that we seem happening "to" us. And whenever there's a rush of negative energy, the course of events would reflect that. But as an inherent system, the negative does get compensated by the positive, and that's where my hope lies. That no negativity can survive forever, it will have to be replaced by something positive, even if it be through a catalytic change, which in itself can be painful. Easier understood than absorbed though...if I think about a true tragedy, then this just sounds like a consolation theory.
The other thing that's unique about this is me. My reaction. My response. That's something only I determine, using my own resources - my basic values, my pride, my principles, even the advice or energy or support of my loved ones. And that's what gives me an incredible feeling of power. Many times, people tell me they feel awed or humbled before a symbol of what they feel is a stronger, larger power. I feel it too. Especially at the most elemental level, like when looking upon the sea. But as I feel that power, I often feel this surge of an answering call within me, the one that says "do with me what you can, but I decide how I feel, not you". If this is foolish pride, then so be it - it's what saves me from feeling disempowered, helpless.
But I dont think this response is one of foolish pride or anything flippant - I think it's a manifestation of the fundamental concept that lies at the root of many of the oldest religions, what we refer to as parmatama. The consciousness of the individual is just one part of a much larger, universal consciousness, and they are always connected to each other. This flow of energy is what shapes us...and what I need to remember is that the flow of energy is not always from the large collective to the individual; our own spirit and our actions also shape and influence what happens collectively.
Whether it be in dealing with personal conflict and pain, or driving social change, or responding to cataclysmic events, I wish to keep that message resonating with myself - that I have the power. In the wee hours of the night, when I just feel tired from the physical and mental exertions of the day, it's a good message to think about as I hope for sleep.
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