I am possibly the only person that Dolly has been able to speak with on an off-and-on basis over the last year or so. Speak honestly, with some objectivity. And that's because I am also able to respond with some degree of compassionate objectivity, trying to maintain a balance between what I need to say and what she needs to hear.
But that doesn't take away the seriousness or the inherent painful content of the issues. Like today, I have returned with a heavy heart; at one level, thinking about the spiral of destruction we as human beings are capable of getting mired in, causing pain to themselves and the world around them; at another level, feeling that pain myself.
I also cant stop thinking about what I could have done to have prevented it from getting here. When thinking about my various roles (as distinct from my "self") I have always believed that I am a good friend, a good uncle, a reasonably good son and a middling-to-average brother and lover. But sometimes I feel that I am being too kind and this assessment is probably based on the efforts and the ongoing relationship. But if I just look at a current state and call it an "outcome" as it were, then I have probably been quite a failure in many ways, especially as a brother. Have I let Dad & Mama down?
Anyway, this is not about me. And the past is past. Right now, I just cant help but worry and feel for the pain, confusion and destructive ringlets that mar, or may potentially mar, the lives of many of my loved ones. Can I count on myself to be sane, supportive, firm, focused and all that's required for me to be?
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