Watching the season finale of Project Runway last evening, I was struck by how emotional the finalists appeared to be. And even though one has to remember that this is a TV reality show and demands a higher level of drama than banal reality, the individual stories of how these guys faced tough circumstances and choices and still pursued their dream struck a true note. And they were all in the age zone of 29 to 33….the same as mine.
Which really led me to the question of what I have really achieved till date. Surprisingly enough, this question doesn’t really bother me as often as it seems to plague most of my friends and acquaintances. I am not sure why. It can’t be a lack of thinking capacity (though the lack of depth is evident)…as my perusal of this blog showed, there’s plenty and more of thinking going on about several areas and topics, related to myself and the world around me. Maybe it’s my usual denial strategy – I know this is a potentially thorny topic so I have locked it up, along with many others, in that little black trunk at the back of my mind, just not having the energy and inclination to deal with it. Or maybe I am just a little smug, with some bit of tunnel vision – chugging happily (and sometimes not so happily) along in this relatively stable life, achieving less than my potential, earning less than my potential, but disregarding the world roaring past. Or maybe I am just too rooted in my past – there is so much gratitude for what I have today, compared to the nightmare it could have been, that I am superstitious about questioning it at all.
Whatever the reason, the point is I don’t really think much about the question of achievement. Whenever I get asked a question about it, my response is pretty simple, and pretty true at the surface as well – I have my physical and mental faculties, I love what I do, I am able to enjoy more creature comforts than seemed possible 15 years ago, I have a lot of people that I love and who love me. Is there really anything more to life?
So I won’t think about that achievement bit right now either. What I do want to think a little more about is risk, and how much risk I have truly taken to get where I am today. And the answer is – negligible.
For someone who believes that his life takes on the character of a roller coaster ever so often, and who willingly gets on it, it’s a little bit of a surprise to realize that when it came to working, to chasing professional dreams, I didn’t really take that much of a risk.
When I think back to my teenage years, there were some things I was passionate about, especially books, movies, fashion, dance. And I had a reasonable amount of professional understanding about the art behind these fields – writing, critiquing, creating, directing, designing, choreography – to have made a serious try at one of them. Fashion seemed the most accessible and the most likely to yield a living, and I, along with my parents, did give serious consideration to pursuing an education on those lines.
I am not sure when, but somewhere along the line, that desire just seemed to dissolve away. And got replaced by a more fundamental need to secure the future of myself and to an extent my family. The very specific objective of doing an MBA came from there. And so did all the determination of getting there – fighting with well meaning relatives (who wanted me to do the more immediate, safer thing of getting a “computer education”), securing a personal loan and getting the support of Mum and Dolly to spend 2 years doing that. So I guess that was a bit of a risk. Again, when I decided to specialize in HR and chase placement in that field, I was told, by another group of well wishers, that I was taking a large risk. Therefore, within that relatively stable field and option that I chose, I did decide to do exactly what I wanted to do and took some risks to ensure that I could chase my own dreams.
But I wonder how it would have been if I had remained stuck to my original options. I say this to a lot of people now and I do believe in it – everything is possible. It might cause some pain initially and there would be some change management involved, but instead of giving up, it is possible to chase your dreams, personally or professionally. And yet I didn’t. Dulled by grief, fueled by a desire for security, missing any inspirational and knowledgeable figure around, I muddled my way through my thoughts and desires and did what I felt was right. And it was right in a way – like I said; I genuinely love what I do.
But that shouldn’t have stopped me from building a deeper level of knowledge or expertise in these areas over the years. I know so many people around me, wonderful people who truly inspire me, who have now let their “hobbies” take over their lives and found a different level of fulfillment at a stage of life when financial concerns are lesser and the spiritual hunger is more. I observe, accompany, support and encourage these friends to find that higher level of fulfillment and sometimes this change of direction is sustained and sometimes it isn’t. Both ways, a risk is taken and one is more a man for having taken it. So to speak.
And I? Except for the occasional vomit through this blog, there’s been no serious attempt at developing the craft of writing. Except for movie marathons, there’s been no attempt at taking advantage of multiple opportunities to actually visit the insides of the movie business and get inspired there. Have pretty much stopped following fashion, except a monthly GQ read. And never bothered to enroll at the thousands of classes that would have helped my natural talent for dance be built further through some technique.
Basically – no discipline, no depth, no follow through. The last 11 years of work life have been spent working, shopping, eating, drinking, reading, watching movies…and yes, loving and being loved. Not a bad deal. But where’s the risk?
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